Grow Up

by Craig Anderson

  THIS IS NOT WHAT I AGREED TO! Frag yelled as loudly as he could. THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A QUICK FAVOUR TO HELP A FRIEND OUT! I’M NOT READY TO BE MORTAL OR A PARENT!

  “THAT is your concern?” Josh said, wishing he could take back the last five minutes of his life and live in blissful ignorance of what was currently happening inside his head. “Ali, how long until we know which outcome is the likely one?”

  “Several months at least. The merging process is a slow one.”

  “Ok, so just to clarify, I’m now on my way back to Earth with a frigging ALIEN GHOST in my head that has impregnated my brain?”

  “Technically incorrect, Frag is not the undead spirit of an…”

  “Now is not the time, Ali!” Josh paced back and forth, trying to find a solution, but he couldn’t see one. What he needed was somewhere to think. “We need to get out of here. Set a course for Earth. Hop as close as you can.”

  “You should be warned that a hop of that length will be extremely expensive, and the Blurgons are no longer picking up the bill.”

  “Pop it on my tab,” Josh said. “I’m good for it.”

  There was a blur in the viewer, and then the black-and-white nothingness of space was replaced with a small blue-and-green dot. Earth.

  Josh instantly felt a little better. This was just another problem that he would have to solve, but first he wanted a decent meal and a hot shower.

  “Is this the closest we can get?”

  “Yes. I do not know if the Galactic Corp scout ship is still here. It will be better to approach quietly.”

  “Ok fine. Can you get in touch with your guy Gargle, and let him know we are almost home? I’d like him to be ready for us to switch.”

  “Affirmative. I believe I can reach him from here if I focus the signal. That will also help to evade detection. I shall contact him on your communicator.”

  ***

  Gargle was busy pacing around the bushes when he felt his pocket vibrate. He assumed it was his Dad finally discovering his absence, but instead it was a number he didn’t recognize. He answered it and said, “Hello?”

  “Is that Gargle?” said an oddly familiar female voice. It took him a moment to realize someone had used his actual name. Panic was his first reaction. “Nope, no-one by that name here. Goodbye.”

  He hung up the phone. What did it mean?

  There was only one thing it could mean. Josh had failed. Either the tests, or the bar, or any of the many other steps along the way. The chances of him becoming a successful lawyer was infinitesimal, so why had Gargle pinned all his hopes on the assumption that Josh wouldn’t be back for years? He’d let this shell get the better of him, he had dared to imagine a better future for himself, and now it would be snatched away from him.

  One thing was certain, he couldn’t return to Blurgon. Back to a world where his every action was measured and controlled. Even the thought made his chest ache. Would he be able to readjust? What was the alternative, an eternity floating around in the great collective? He’d go crazy within a week.

  That was the only choice though. There was no way he could stay here. Josh would want his life back. It wasn’t exactly how he had left it. Gargle had hoped to have more time, more time to clean up the problems, and to make everything right. He was so close to making everything right. It wasn’t fair. He just needed a little longer.

  He squashed down the anger. Now was not the time. He had enough to worry about. There was only one more problem for him to solve. He had to rescue Caitlin. He would do whatever it took, he had nothing to lose now, except his life.

  That was it.

  He knew exactly what needed to happen.

  He picked up his phone and redialled the number. As soon as the Ship’s Computer answered it he said, “I need to talk to Josh.”

  ***

  Bill was posted outside the casino in the biting cold wind, with only a thin purple jacket for warmth. He stood as straight as he could, not daring to slouch even a little. He was still very much in the dog house, and he expected to stay there until the boss forgave him. Based on what he knew of her that would be sometime between infinity and eternity.

  He cursed under his breath as the wind picked up. How was he supposed to know that the runty teen was the guy that took down Mr. Brick?

  Speaking of which, it didn’t help that Mr. Brick hadn’t shown up for work today. Bill had been hoping he could at least share his boss’s wrath with the big guy, but no-one had been able to get hold of him. One of the other guards swore that when they had revived Mr. Brick he had sat bolt upright and started screaming about ghosts. It had taken three of them to restrain him. He had taken a pretty serious blow to the head, and his head was thicker than most. The only thing Bill could imagine being tough enough to knock out Mr. Brick was Mr. Brick.

  Now Bill was questioning everything. What if that little old lady was secretly a covert member of the S.A.S? What if that cute tourist girl was a high-end assassin? He no longer felt safe. If a kid could take down Mr. Brick, then anything was possible, and not in the cheesy motivational poster kind of way.

  He felt a tap on his shoulder and broke out of his trance. He turned around and then had to blink twice to make sure he wasn’t hallucinating. The kid from yesterday was standing right in front of him. Had he come to finish off what he started? Was Bill the next Mr. Brick?

  The scream was loud enough to be heard from Samantha’s office. She checked the security feed in time to see Bill running through the main floor at full speed, but there was no sign of anyone or anything chasing him. Several patrons stopped gambling to see what the noise was all about, which only infuriated her more. This was the last straw; she was going to have to let him go for this. It wasn’t easy finding reliable guards, and she was already struggling without Mr. Brick holding everything together.

  She was about to make a phone call when she saw the small ginger teen standing patiently by the front entrance. He was staring directly at the security camera, as if goading her. Her first instinct was that this must be some kind of trap. She grabbed her radio. “All available guards to the front entrance. There is a suspicious teen loitering. Please apprehend him for questioning.”

  “Affirmative,” came the prompt response, and she watched as several guards moved into position, surrounding the target. If he noticed them, he made no indication that he did.

  As they slowly closed in she overheard him talking on one of their radios. “I’d like to speak to Samantha please.”

  After a few seconds a guard radioed through to her. “He wants to talk to you boss. What do you want us to do?”

  ***

  Gargle followed the guards as they led him through the casino to a small office at the back. There he found Samantha behind a large wooden desk. She looked formidable and imposing, and for a second he wasn’t sure he could do this, but then he reminded himself what was at stake. He would only get one chance to pull this off. He forced himself to smile and said, “Samantha, so nice to meet you again.”

  She stared at him quizzically, then waved away the guards that had lingered. She kept her hands under her desk, no doubt on a silent alarm, or possibly a weapon. She smiled back, like a lion smiling at the antelope. “Consider me surprised. I did not expect you to simply walk in the same door I watched you flee through yesterday. You are either extremely smart or extremely stupid, and I have not yet made my mind up which.”

  “I assure you it is the former. Before we get down to business, can I ask you to please release my associate? She was nothing but a pawn in this game, and I would hate for her to be harmed in the process of me assessing your credentials.”

  “Oh yes, of course, I will let her go right now, simply because you asked.”

  Gargle was immensely proud of himself for detecting the sarcasm, but he couldn’t let that show. “She is of no value to you. She knows nothing of my business, nor my techniques. I simply hired her as a local associate. Her job was to be seen with me, to determine if you were c
apable of connecting the dots. I’m pleased to say you passed that particular test. I was unsure if you would have the nerve to snatch a member of the public in broad daylight, but I see now that your reputation is well-deserved.”

  Samantha’s features crunched up in confusion. She said, “I’m tired of you talking in riddles. Tell me now why you are here, or you shall see just how well-deserved my reputation is.”

  “Of course. Just as soon as you release my associate. You clearly have no use for her. You were using her to try and find me, and here I am.”

  Samantha hesitated, and Gargle pushed his luck. “You likely know her better than I do, does she strike you as someone that is a master of advanced memory techniques, or is it more likely that she was simply my hired help?” Gargle fought back the guilt, hoping that it wasn’t showing on his face.

  Samantha picked up her radio. This was it, the moment of truth. Had Gargle’s deception been detected?

  “Release our guest from the back room and make sure she gets home safely.”

  “No,” Gargle said, sternly. “You let her go and leave her be. I have associates that will make sure of it, and if they indicate you have done otherwise then our deal is off.”

  “You had better pray that what you have to say is worth my time, or this will be the last conversation you ever have.”

  “I believe it to be the case,” Gargle said carefully.

  “Just let her go,” Samantha said into the radio.

  “I shall need assurances,” Gargle said. Samantha turned the screen and he watched the security camera feed as Caitlin was gently escorted to her car. Gargle waited, hoping the next phase of the plan would work, and he breathed a sigh of relief as he saw Caitlin check her phone and then hop in her car and speed away.

  He smiled. The plan had worked. He had even managed to improvise a few parts of it. All he had to do now was finish his performance.

  “Excellent, let’s talk business. Have one of your flunkies bring me six packs of cards please, all unopened. You may select the decks from anywhere in your casino.”

  Samantha relayed the request via the radio and shortly after, the cards were delivered.

  Gargle opened all six packs and handed them to Samantha. “Please shuffle these. I do not wish for you to think there is trickery involved.”

  Samantha didn’t take her eyes off him as she expertly shuffled the cards together. She was about to hand them over when Gargle shook his head. “I won’t touch them. Please turn them over one at a time, as quickly as you wish.”

  She did, far quicker than should be possible. She was clearly someone who knew her way around a deck of cards. As she turned the last card over she said, “You better be getting to the point.”

  “Actually I am.” He proceeded to call out each card in the deck. At first Samantha was unimpressed, but as he kept going she said, “There must be a trick. A hidden camera perhaps.”

  “No hidden camera, just a simple memory technique that I invented. As you have just seen, it is more than capable of dealing with six packs of cards. If carefully practiced, it will actually work for thousands of cards. This is how I beat your blackjack table. There really is a flaw in the shuffling machine, and I am the only person on Earth that knows how to exploit it.”

  “Let’s say I believe you. Why are you telling me this?”

  “Because I don’t have the scale or the resources to fully exploit this loophole. That same shuffling machine is used in hundreds of other casinos, but the gap could get closed with a simple software update. Sure, I could hit up a few casinos before anyone figured it out, and probably make a few hundred grand, but that’s not the kind of money I am interested in. I need this to be my big score, the one that sets me up for life. To do that I need an army, someone who knows the casino business better than anyone. That’s why I chose you.”

  “Chose me for what exactly?”

  “I can teach these techniques to anyone in an afternoon. We can train up dozens of people, hundreds even, and set them loose on your competition simultaneously. You get double the benefit, all the winnings we make we will split, and better yet, you’re stealing it directly from your competitors. Sure, a few will get caught, but that’s why I need someone they will be afraid of ratting out.”

  Samantha leaned over her desk. “If what you say is true, what is to stop me learning this technique and then killing you on the spot?”

  “Nothing, but I’m a dead man walking anyway. I’ve already attracted the attention of the wrong kinds of people. The kind that make people disappear. It’s why I’m also going to need your protection. If I am working for you, no-one would dare touch me. Hence why I cared so much about your reputation.”

  Samantha regarded the young man in front of her and the large pile of cards on the desk. She said, “Can you really teach me how to do that?”

  “I can. Do we have a deal?”

  She held out her hand, and the smile was back. She was the lioness again, and she had spotted a tasty meal standing all alone in a large clearing. As soon as he had taught her everything he knew he would cease to be useful, and then she could decide whether or not to dispose of him herself or just quietly let it be known that her protection no longer applied. If there really were bad people after this kid, then maybe they would do her dirty work for her.

  “Show me!” she said.

  “Well, it’s simple. First thing you do is construct a memory palace. Then you simply have to…” Gargle stopped talking and clutched at his throat. He made every terrible sound he could think of, before moving his hands down to his chest.

  Samantha watched him, unimpressed. “Please, do you really expect me to believe that…”

  Gargle fell to the ground and convulsed. He might have overdone it a little, but he might as well enjoy his last few moments on Earth as a human.

  Samantha pushed the buzzer under her desk and said, “Get the doc in here, NOW!”

  Gargle writhed on the ground, making funny noises, just waiting for the right moment. It had to be perfect. The doctor burst into the room with a small machine that he placed on Gargle’s fingertip. It beeped rhythmically and the doctor said, “Everything looks fine to me.”

  “That’s what I thought,” Samantha said. “He’s just going to wish he was dead.”

  Perfect.

  Gargle stopped his heart.

  ***

  The ship pulled up over Josh’s house. It hovered silently above the rooftops. Josh said, “Ali, aren’t you worried we’ll be spotted?”

  “No. I have engaged stealth mode, the ship will remain quite invisible to human technology.”

  He looked down at the roof of his house and said, “What are your plans now?”

  “After I have delivered Gargle to Blurgon I wish to return to Earth, to monitor your situation with Frag. I am also happy to maintain possession of my gift to you, until you can find a suitable location for it.”

  “Works for me. Any news from Gargle?”

  “According to the microphone in your communicator, everything went according to plan. As predicted, Samantha is currently arranging to have the body disposed of discreetly, which will avoid any awkward conversations with the authorities.”

  “Do we know how he got himself into this mess?” Josh asked.

  “No, but he promised he will explain as soon as he gets here.”

  The ship lowered down slowly, until Josh was at his bedroom window. It was currently open, and he went to jump across, when his legs locked up suddenly.

  This seems like an unwise course of action. There must be a safer alternative.

  “Frag, we need to establish some ground rules if you are going to be my mental roommate for a while. Rule number 1, never take control of my body without warning.”

  Our body, Frag corrected.

  “Fine, our body.”

  Why should you get to control it all the time? We should have shared custody. Perhaps you can have the body on odd days, and I will get it on evens.

 
“I’m not turning my body into a bloody timeshare!”

  Our body!

  Josh stopped arguing and instead jumped, narrowly making it through the bedroom window. He landed hard, sending pain shooting through his ankle. A voice from below said, “What’s going on up there?”

  His dad. Josh felt a pang of relief. He threw open his door and tripped right over Pickle, who was curled up outside. She licked his face and he ignored Frag’s cries of distress. “Did you miss me, girl?”

  He carried her down the stairs, limping slightly on his now throbbing ankle, to find his dad sitting on the couch, his eyes red and puffy. He was about to ask what he could do when there was a sound at the door, and then just like that his mum was in the room. She ran over to his Dad and said, “I’m sorry! They grabbed me, but…” Before she could explain, his dad kissed her.

  “What on Earth is going on?” Josh said out loud. A muffled sound from above made him look up and he saw a blue mist peeking through the ceiling. He ran back up to his bedroom to find Gargle floating above his bed.

  “Explain!” Josh said. “Why are my parents kissing?”

  “I believe because they love each other,” said Gargle.

  “No they don’t! They have the divorce papers to prove it.”

  “Recent traumatic events have led them to rekindle their feelings for one another.”

  “Traumatic events? You were supposed to be keeping a low profile! What have you done?”

  Gargle provided a detailed account of his recent adventures and Josh slumped onto his bed. “You got me fired, declared a math genius, punched out the biggest kid in my year, spent the night in jail, and attracted the attention of the local crime lord, who you then faked my death for? Did I miss anything?”