The Waiting List (Strong Women Book 5)

by Sarah Till

  Johnny leaned back in his chair and ran his fingers through his hair.

  “Are you sure, Clem? I mean, there are lots of people who could look like you. Did you get a good look at her?”

  “Well, he had a bloody big poster on his bedroom wall of her. So, yeah.” I fumbled in my bag. “And these.”

  I threw the bundle of photographs on the table. Jenni and Johnny grabbed at them, scrutinising them closely then swapping. Jenni eventually looked up.

  “The bedroom wall? You didn't, did you?”

  “No. No. He passed out then I found this sort of shrine room, filled with all Caroline's stuff. Weird.”

  Johnny winced.

  “Fucking hell. You'd never know to look at him. What sort of stuff?”

  “Photos, clothes, hair.”

  “Hair?”

  “Yes, a lock of hair in a bag.”

  “Fucking hell.”

  Jenni placed the pictures back on the table.

  Well, she sure looks like you, girl. But having never seen your sister, I'm struggling with that.”

  Johnny nodded.

  “Same. Are you sure, Clem? Are you sure it's Charlotte?”

  I thought for a moment. What was it that made me so sure?

  “My mother had some digitally enhanced pictures done of her. There were a few versions, sorts of different combinations of what she could be like now, hair, build. She was just a teenager then. People change. I've never been convinced that she would look like the picture, as we were quite similar looking back then and the enhanced picture looked more like Mum. In fact, she's had all this surgery to look more like the picture. But that's another story. I just think she's so much like me that it could be her. And Tim obviously thinks so.”

  Johnny laughed.

  “This gets weirder and fucking weirder. He thinks you look like this girl so he tries to get off with you, to sort of replace her is some crazy way? Right? But working it backwards, he must have seen the close similarity between you and the girl he knows. Yes. I can see what you mean.”

  I folded my arms and yawned.

  “I had no bloody sleep, though. His mum sat up all night with the telly on. And he's practically an alcoholic. Turned up pissed.”

  Jenni laughed.

  “Ironic. I didn't miss anything then?”

  Jenni sitting here at my table in her jim jams didn't match with sexy, gyrating Jenni in the club. Her mask had slipped and I was seeing Jenni for who she really was. I liked her before and now my heart melted. By her own admission, she had put up with my trivialities for so long that I felt like I at least owed her a roof over her head.

  “No. You missed nothing. Come on, you go back to bed. I'm going to get some sleep as well.” Johnny stood up and averted his eyes again as Jenni brushed past him.

  “Thanks, Johnny. Thanks for doing this. I guess I didn't really know either of you before today.”

  Johnny laughed.

  “You're the dark horse as well with your disappearing sister. Look, I'll get going. I'll call you later to see if you are OK?”

  I nodded, gathered up the photographs and put them into my bag. Jenni was already shutting the back-bedroom door.

  Chapter Ten

  Sunshine. Lollipops. Somewhere in the bottom of my heart, the song dredged itself into my consciousness. Tim's face was the first thing I thought of, and my lucky penny. There was an ignition spark of happiness hearing the first bars of the song, then the needle scratched across the record. It left me with an uncertain feeling that even though I now knew Tim better and that it was disturbing knowledge, something in me had become minutely attached to him.

  I dreamt of my teenage sister as the daughter of Caroline, both of them having my mother's implants and hair extensions. I woke around four o'clock in the afternoon and wondered if I'd dreamt that Jenni had moved her children into my house, too. Or that Johnny was my new best friend, friend being the operative word. I could hear noises downstairs and Jenni's booming laughter. It struck me as strange that someone in such a desperate situation as hers could still laugh. Hadn't she told me she had been evicted? Hadn't she told me her ex-husband’s girlfriend hated her children? I jumped out of bed and grabbed my bag. I needed to get some coffee and take another look at the photographs of Caroline now that sleep had refreshed me.

  I reached my dining room just in time to see Jenni serve spaghetti hoops and chips to the children. My hung-over stomach lurched at the thought of food but I sat down at the table. The girl was like a mini-Jenni, all braided hair and attitude. She scowled at me as she pushed a partially orange chip into her mouth and chewed slowly. The boy looked slightly more promising. After looking me up and down, he got straight to the point.

  “Who are you?”

  His question came with a smile and he made me want to giggle. He had a light brown afro hairstyle, obviously well-kept and a beautiful semi-toothless grin.

  “I'm Clementine. Mummy's friend.”

  He laughed loudly and covered his mouth.

  “Like Sandra Davey's mummy's friend who’s a lady?”

  Jenni laughed loudly again.

  “No, Jacob. Not like that. This is Clementine's house and we'll be staying here for a while, until we get somewhere else to live.” She turned to the little girl. “And this is Samantha. Or Sam for short. Come on, Sam, give Clem a special smile.”

  Samantha continued to chew and stare while Jacob ate as fast as he could. I walked around the table to click on the kettle and Jenni's eyes followed me.

  “What?” I queried the look on her face, another in the range of the Jenni I didn't know. “What?” I reached over to Jacob and didn't resist the urge to tousle his hair. It was so soft and inviting and my hand sunk right into it. He giggled through a mouthful of food and turned to face me. Jenni visibly relaxed.

  “What? I'm not a child-catcher, you know. I can cope.” I turned to wash a cup and surveyed the mess on the kitchen counter. It occurred to me that if Lenny had been here he would have fainted. It also occurred to me that Jenny thought I was about to. “Look, Jenn, make yourself at home. Really. I'm sure it won't be long until you get somewhere. Not that I'm rushing you.”

  Samantha spoke for the first time. She was still staring at me and I felt a little self-conscious.

  “I want my daddy. Daddy.”

  Her words sounded calculated and I saw Jenni's face crumble. A prick of anger went through me and I started to remember what annoyed me about young children. Jenni rushed around the table to her daughter who was now crying. I felt guilty that I'd momentarily accused Samantha of intentionally upsetting Jenni.

  “Oh, Sam, Daddy isn't around today.”

  “I want Daddy.”

  “OK, I'll ring him later. But he's busy.”

  “Daddy. I want Daddy.”

  Jenni looked at me as a loud howl escaped from Samantha. I got up and walked into the lounge, clutching my bag to my chest. I shut the door gently and savoured the solitude. I could still hear Samantha's cries and Jenni's reassurances, but somehow they were detached from me. Taking the pictures from my bag, I looked at them again in the cold light of day. Without the enhancement of alcohol. Was this my sister? Had she been living in the same town as me all this time with her daughter? She certainly looked a lot like Charlotte. A lot like me. I studied each one carefully. How could I find out for sure? I wanted to rush round to Mum and Dad and show them the photographs, explain what had happened and race round to Tim's. But what if it wasn't her? And what if he wouldn't tell us where she was? No, I needed to be sure. I needed to find out all the facts before I presented the evidence to Mum. And Dad.

  I took my mobile phone out of my bag. Two missed calls announced themselves. My fingers clicked the keys and it emerged that both calls were from Tim. He had left a voicemail. I shuddered at the thought of his house, his mother sitting up all night in front of the television with her fixed grin, the flicker shadowing her face. It was the stuff of nightmares. And the contents of the back bedroom. I abso
lutely knew that this wasn't normal and I began to feel a little sorry for Tim. It was as if there was a line that divided psychotic stalker from deluded ex-lover and I didn't exactly know which side of the line he occupied as I veered from one to the other.

  I clicked on voicemail and listened.

  “Hi. Hi. Look, Clem, it's Tim. Look, I'm sorry about last night. Can I speak to you to explain? Please. It's a mess and you shouldn't have been involved. I'll call back later. Around five.”

  He sounded sincere enough but I couldn't help but think of the huge poster in his bedroom, how he had kissed my breasts and imagined I was someone else. I wondered if he had brought anyone else back to his bed, slept with them and pretended he was making love to Caroline. He said that he didn't usually bring people back to his place, but he was hardly going to admit it after my experience with him. It was bad enough that he was so obsessed with Caroline, without her being Charlotte. I sighed and put the pictures away. Samantha had stopped crying now and they were laughing and singing 'if you're happy and you know it, clap your hands.' I didn't clap. I took out my crumpled list and straightened it on the arm of the chair.

  I knew it was time to unite this list with the reams of other unticked lists in the 'unsuitable' folder. I smoothed it and smoothed it. Tim certainly ticked all the appearance boxes. I'd gone home with him despite him treating me despicably and then I'd almost had sex with him even though I felt uncomfortable around him. I stared at the list and began a detailed critique. On the bad side, he lived with his mother and had even told me that it had come between him and Caroline moving in together.

  On the good side, he was more than OK in the trouser department, something that definitely hadn't escaped my notice before it all went pear-shaped. I had seen an acoustic guitar in his bedroom, so maybe he did play guitar. I scanned the list for anything else positive about Tim. A little bit dangerous? Of course, obsessions can be a little bit dangerous. Dangerous for me, though. I ticked this box. Precise? Well, if cutting out pictures and making a room-sized collage counted as precise, he certainly was that. I adjusted the list for the guitar, his precision and the manly attributes and reassessed. I'd tried to avoid two other boxes until now, but my gaze drifted up the list. I could hear Jenni and Samantha laugh as Jacob recounted his unique version of Frosty the Snowman. It sounded like fun. Opening the door slightly, I saw Jacob standing on his chair with my white shawl around him, shouting the song rather than singing. Jenni sat on a dining chair with Samantha on her knee, her eyes streaming with tears of laughter. I felt my mouth turn upwards and wanted to join in. But it seemed private, removed from me.

  I quietly shut the door again and picked up the list, smoothing it gently. Taking my pen, I put a line through 'no children' and 'no ex-wife'. I'd been so wrong about the baggage. Seeing Jenni with her children had shocked me into scratching the surface of the superficial 'no-children' veneer. After all, at thirty-two it was a little unreasonable for someone not to have had serious relationships and possibly children. Or stepchildren. In place of the baggage clause I wrote, 'must be faithful'. I chewed the end of my pen and reasoned that this was very important if I was ever going to find the right person. I reviewed the amended list and smiled.

  Just four boxes left to tick. Of course, I was no longer interested in Tim. I just wanted to find out where Caroline lives then that would be the end of it. I would never have to see him or his silent, grinning mother again. Part of me thought it was a shame, and I still wanted to fix poor, sad Timmy, to hold him and tell him that everything would be all right. To replace Caroline and to hope that, in time, he would grow to love me. I shrugged and shivered at the thought of it. How he caressed my body and felt her shape.

  My mobile rang and I grabbed it in excitement. What was wrong with me? He was clearly a psycho and I was becoming as obsessed as him. The number was withheld, so it was irrelevant, but somehow I knew it was going to be Tim. I took the call.

  “Hi. Clementine Clooney.”

  I sounded overtly business-like so there could be no mistaking my intentions.

  “Hi, Clem. It's Tim. Look. I'm sorry about last night. It was a disaster.”

  “Hmm. Understatement of the year, Tim.”

  Silence.

  “I just wondered if there was any way I could make it up to you.”

  I paused for a moment.

  “But you're still in love with your ex.” I remembered that he knew nothing of my visit to the back bedroom. “I mean, you have a big poster of her on your wall and you called me by her name. How could you make that up to me? Why would you want to?”

  “It's over between me and Caroline.” Somehow her name bit into me and I felt his breath in my ear again. “There is no going back. I can see how you feel, Clem. It was a total nightmare last night. I was a total nightmare. But I like you. A lot. C’mon, Clem. Take a chance.”

  I thought for a moment. I needed to see him again to find out more about Caroline.

  “I'm not sure, Tim. I look an awful lot like your ex. Is that why you like me?”

  “No. no. Well, I suppose that's how I came to notice you. But you're different. A lot different. Please, Clem. Give me a chance. What have you got to lose?”

  I looked at the list and knew immediately what I had to lose. I should be filing Tim's list in the undesirable folder, along with a longer list of disqualified men.

  “OK. I'll meet with you tomorrow. What about in the park? A nice walk in the park on a Sunday. We can talk.”

  “Yeah. OK. Around ten?”

  Normally I would never have agreed to a ten o'clock walk on a Sunday morning but this was an exception. I was on a mission to find my sister.

  “Great. Meet you at the gates. Bye.”

  The call ended and I felt strangely excited. I folded up the list and pushed it to the bottom of my bag. I'd get around to getting rid of it later on. The door handle jangled and I saw Jacob's hair before he burst into the room.

  “Mummy says we have to say goodnight.”

  Samantha stood sulkily beside him sucking her finger.

  “Night then.”

  Both of them stared at me as I pretended to search for something in my bag. Eventually, Jacob stepped forward and launched himself at me. His arms gripped my neck and he pressed his warm cheek against my face.

  “Night night, Aunty Clem. Night night. Mind the bed bugs don't bite.”

  It reminded me all at once of my father and his clichés, the way Charlotte and I used to stand on a foot each as he walked up the landing to bed. Samantha snuggled up beside me and closed her eyes. So, this was what it was like to have a family. I was definitely starting to see the attraction.

  Chapter Eleven

  Jenni and I had carried the sleeping children up to bed at nine o'clock. I'd been so tired from, the previous night's exploits that I'd slept on the sofa with them for a while. We watched a film, Jenni had a couple of glasses of wine and made a few telephone calls and I just stared at the television, wishing for the next morning.

  When it came, I heard Jenni open the door and speak to a friend. The children went outside and got onto a car. Her friend drove off and I came downstairs to find her sitting at the dining table with her head in her hands. When she heard me, she slowly raised her head.

  “I've sent them off for the day with my cousin. She's bringing them back at six so I can get them in bed for school.”

  I was shocked. She looked so tired.

  “Are you OK?”

  “Yes. Yes. I'll be fine. I'm sorry about this. I had nowhere else to go. I knew where you kept your spare key and your alarm code. Sorry.”

  “It's fine. What will you do now?”

  “I'll have to find a privately rented house and a deposit. Maybe the bar will keep my job open. I just don't know, girl. I just don't know.”

  I thought for a minute. My limited knowledge of looking after children wasn't too well informed and I offered my first thought.

  “Can't social services do anything for you?” />
  Jenni laughed.

  “Oh, yes. Social services can do a lot for me. They can take Jose and Sam into care and leave me in a hostel. They see it as my fault for not paying my rent. Which of course it is. I'll give you rent by the way. If he would have paid my maintenance and looked after the children so I could work then I could have paid the rent. But life's a bitch, you know.”

  She rolled a cigarette and I still didn't have the heart to tell her not to smoke. My eyes sought the air freshener to console myself. I wanted to ask her more about her husband and this woman he had taken up with, find out more about the children but she seemed quiet and I decided to just chat.

  “Well, like I said, you didn't miss much last night. Although Arthur Becks was waiting for you.”

  Jenni's eyes twinkled and I began to see the woman I'd befriended all those years ago.

  “Yeah, man, I knew it! I knew he liked it last week. What did he say?”

  She leaned forwards, staring at me.

  “It all started when Tim phoned me. He asked if you would come as Arthur Becks liked you. When I turned up on my own, he asked after you.”

  “So, you went to the club on your own? Fucking hell, girl, you must like this boy.”

  “Yeah. I saw Carrie Booth there and waited with her. They turned up and Tim was drunk. He was a bit leery all night then when we got back to his. Well,”

  Jenni looked down. “Hmm. Shouldn't have done that Clem. If you knew there was something wrong with him. Anything could have happened.”

  “It fucking did, Jenni! His mum’s is a bit strange, just grinning all the time. She gave me what was obviously the ex’s nightdress and slippers. Weird.”

  “So, you won't be seeing him again?”

  Jenni laughed but I was deadly serious.

  “Oh, yes. I'm meeting him in Cooper Park at ten.”

  “No, Clem, you're fucking joking. I'll come with you. I'm coming with you. He's a nutter.”

  “No, I'm going alone. Or he will guess something's wrong. I just want to find out more about Caroline, where she lives, other stuff, find out a bit more before I go to show these pictures to Mum and Dad.”