The Waiting List (Strong Women Book 5)

by Sarah Till

  It all fitted. Charlotte had been dating older boys and there was one in particular that I'd seen her with behind the bushes, months earlier. He was blond and good-looking; just her type. Nothing like Tim. He looked about twenty. My mind played over the names of her boyfriends and nothing came to me. She had been eight months pregnant. I pictured her on that last day, laughing and smiling, lying back on her bed, clutching a pillow. Applying her makeup carefully. I thought I knew her. She could have told me.

  “Oh, my fucking God. She was eight months pregnant and none of us noticed.”

  I stared at Tim in shock. How could that have happened? How could none of us have noticed that she was eight months pregnant? Why hadn't she said something? There had been a few problems just before she went, a few arguments that I only heard an echo of from my room. A cousin had died in a car crash and Mum had been upset for weeks. Then grandma had an operation and Mum was put out by all the visiting. Mum and Dad's life had revolved around work in those days and any spare time was spent socialising with the neighbours. Mum had been one for gossip and tittle-tattle back then. She spent hours in Sheila Clarkson’s lounge comparing stories about the wayward single parent two doors up. Dad was so exhausted from the day's work he would often fall fast asleep in the armchair, only waking when it was time for us to go to bed. Was that how they had failed to notice that their daughter was pregnant?

  Tim held my hand tightly, looking at me in a strange, confused way and I suddenly felt an urge to kiss him. Before I could move, he spoke.

  “I know it's wrong, Clem, but I still want you. I really, really want you. When I found out you were her sister, it seemed wrong for a while and I didn't know how I could have, but I need you.”

  He was right, it was wrong. He was practically living with my sister who hated me. What I felt sure was going to happen next wasn't going to help. I leaned forward and kissed him full on the mouth. It wasn't like we had kissed before. That had been a physical, sex-laden kiss complete with wriggly tongues and urgency. The kiss was different. It was slow and soft, our lips caressing each other. My hand went to his and we kissed and held each other for what seemed an age. When we finally parted, he still firmly held my hand.

  “I wonder if you could orgasm through kissing.”

  His voice sounded husky from his tears and I suddenly felt vulnerable.

  “Do you really want to do this, Tim? Are you sure you won’t hate yourself afterwards?”

  He smiled a little and nodded.

  “Clem, I'm falling for you. Hard. I don't want to be with her anymore. It’s as if she's got some hold over me that I can’t resist. It's not love; it's more like obsession.”

  I began to feel uncomfortable. It sounded like he was trying to restart our relationship and I wasn't sure I could go back into that particular roller-coaster ride.

  “Get you, Professor! You’ve analysed this thoroughly, haven't you?”

  “I've thought of nothing else. It doesn't make sense. Every time I'm with you, I'm free. But as soon as you leave, she's there again. It's worse when I've had a drink. She keeps telling me she's not sure that she wants me but I just can't accept it. It's like I'm stuck in limbo. But I have to get out. Help me, Clem. Help me.”

  He leaned in to kiss me again but I stopped him.

  “I can’t, Tim. I can’t.”

  Chapter Thirty

  We sat and chatted for an hour. It was Saturday afternoon and I had no need to feel guilty about the time. In fact, it was the first time since Jenni had left that I felt happy in the house. It was the first time I'd felt happy for a long time. A certain tightness in my soul had dropped away as the cogs clicked over double and changed my life’s direction. Today I'd found my sister alive and well. Doing an impression of an angry rottweiler, but alive. I never needed to wonder again what had happened to her. I didn't have to look subconsciously for her now. I knew where she was and I knew she was reasonably OK.

  I'd also found another reason to relax. Tim was here. If I hadn't known him before, I was definitely getting an insight into who he really was. Just a mixed-up little boy playing at grown-up love games. If what he said about Caroline was true, then she had messed him about for a long time and cheated on him. It sounded like she wanted him at her beck and call. For a moment I hated her, then I remembered that she was Charlotte and she had run away to have a baby that no one noticed was about to arrive. Tim stared at me. I breathed in for a moment. I knew what I was going to do.

  “What are we going to do, Clem?”

  I'd already given him some thought. He clearly didn't want to be with her. He had said as much. She didn't want to be with him. But he found it hard to resist her. Plus, how did I know, once we got together, that he wouldn't turn all psycho on me? Would he build a shrine to me? Would he have a photograph of me blown up to poster size? Would he cut off some of my hair in my sleep and put it in a bag? I shuddered.

  “You OK?”

  “Yes, fine. Just fine. Just thinking. What do you think we should do, Tim?”

  He took my face in his hands and traced my nose from top to tip.

  “I'd like to start again. Just you and me. No Caroline. We could make it work.”

  I sighed.

  “But as soon as you're out of my sight, you'd be running back to her. I don't know if I'd be able to trust you. I know it's difficult for you but I honestly don't think you're over her.” I remembered Jenni's break-up calculation. “It would take months for you to properly recover. Months.”

  “But I don't want to give this up. You up.”

  “You can't have your cake and eat it.”

  It was probably the second most inappropriate moment I'd thought of Dad and quoted one of his sayings. Tim's face crumpled with laughter.

  “Oh, Clem, you say the funniest things. I can't wait to tell Arthur that one.”

  “You wouldn't. Don't tell him. You're teasing me.”

  “Yes. Yes, I am. Look I have to go. Mum's been on her own a lot lately and I don't want her to get lonely. Will you think about what I said?”

  He was pulling on his socks now and I nodded.

  “I'll think about it. But don’t forget I've got a lot on my plate now, too.”

  “Yep. A lot of baggage?”

  “Stop it.”

  He leaned over to kiss me but backed away.

  “I'll call you tomorrow, if that's OK?”

  “Yes. Call me.”

  He left and a strange tingle told me that it would be the last time I would see Tim as my soul whispered goodbye. My heart strained and stretched after him, but my head answered silently that I was in denial. I knew that he would never be mine really but it was nice to dream. I quickly showered and pulled on clean clothes. My next task was to go round removing the dead flowers from the vases. They hung like scentless skeletons amongst the still vibrant blooms, a reminder that beautiful things always come to an end. I'd dead-headed about half of them when there was a knock at the door. My heart leapt as I imagined it was Tim, come back to ask. I smoothed down my sweater and my hair and pinched my cheeks, just in case. It wasn't Tim. It was Liam. He stood on my doorstep, hat in hand, smiling widely.

  “Hi, Clem. Can I have a word?”

  I hoped I didn't look too rough and invited him in. He admired the flowers and sat down in the lounge. I sat opposite him and hugged my knees.

  “So. What can I do for you?”

  “I feel bad. Really bad. I shouldn't have left you on your own in the bar. Really rude.”

  “It's OK, Liam. In fact, I found out some fascinating information when you left.”

  “Good good good. The thing is, I've been thinking about you. Not voluntarily, just things we were talking about keep popping into my head. Like your sister. And the list.”

  Fuck! I forgot about my tantrum. I forgot I had told him about the list. I’d never, ever told a man about it before. I kept my calm.

  “Right. The list. It's just a list, really. Sort of a list of attributes.”

 
“Oh. Have you seen Tim? That's his name, isn't it?”

  My mind filled with Tim's face, moving in for the kiss.

  “Not really. Well I have. He's back with my sister. We all went round there and she doesn't want to know. He was there with her.”

  Liam cheered up.

  “Good. I mean for him. Really good.”

  “Not wanting to be rude, Liam, but is there a point to this? I've got a lot to do and to be fair I've just had a big shock.”

  “Shock? I thought that finding your runaway sister would have been a good thing. At least you know she's OK?”

  “Hmm. I wouldn't say OK was the word for her. She's a bit of a bitch. But there you go. A bitch who always gets what she wants. Sort of the opposite of me.”

  I was doing it again. Moving into freaky mode in front of Liam. He seemed like the perfect audience for me to verbally reveal my inner workings to. It was uncanny. Now he just sat there clutching his hat.

  “Look, Clem. I really like you. Really. I wondered if we could have another try. Maybe go out on another date. When you're feeling up to it.”

  It really was my lucky day. Two men in one day wanting another try. One practically married to my Cruella Deville sister and one who doesn't tick my boxes. Except I changed my boxes, so he does. Even remembering that I'd just almost kissed the first one, I relented. What harm could it do?

  “Could you give me a few days? I need a bit of time to sort myself out over all this Charlotte business.”

  “Sure. You say the word, I'll be there. With a bunch of flowers.”

  I laughed and he leaned forward to kiss me lightly on the mouth. Liam looked misty eyed.

  “I'll call you. Ok?”

  “Yes.”

  “Start over?”

  “Yes. Start over.”

  We walked to the door and he hugged me. I was still full to the brim with Tim-induced hormones and I almost failed to respond. I imagined my face to be like one of the characters on a soap opera where they shoot an over the shoulder shot and one person in the clinch looks worried. But what could possibly go wrong? I smiled as he drew away from me.

  “Tomorrow, then. You know, Liam, I'm looking forward to it.”

  “Good. I wouldn’t be very happy if you were dreading it!”

  “No, no, not dreading it. But I've had a hard time recently, so be gentle with me.”

  He took my hand and kissed it. Our eyes met and suddenly all my pheromones went pop. Sunshine and lollipops indeed! It was happening! I was finally falling for someone who didn’t tick my boxes. It was possible!

  He walked slowly up the pathway and I remembered him in his uniform that day in the park. He disappeared around the corner and I was just about to shut the door when Jenni appeared.

  “Hiya, girl. Put the kettle on.”

  We ran towards each other and hugged like best friends. Well, we were best friends.

  “How've you been? And how's it going with lover boy?”

  She laughed loudly.

  “Good, girl, good. He's quite the stud.”

  “Eew. Johnny's practically my brother. Don't talk about him like that.”

  “Like it or not, girl, he's got it going on.” She shook her head and made an O with her hands. “Anyway. Talking of siblings, how was the visit? Was it her?”

  I made the tea in silence and tried to think how I could explain the situation to Jenni. She wouldn't understand my connection with Tim. I decided to put her off the scent.

  “Did you see that guy then, the one walking along the road as you came in?”

  “Yeah.”

  “That's Liam.”

  “Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh my God. You're seeing him?”

  “Yes. It started off badly with me turning into a mad woman the minute I met him but he's given me another chance.”

  Jenni laughed and sipped the tea I placed in front of her.

  “What happened? Did you find out he's really a brown-eyes brunette in disguise? I have to say, he's got a really nice body.”

  “Oh, yeah. He's really fit. Fireman and all that. But he is blond, as you rightly point out! I've amended the list to just take in the emotional stuff. Let’s just hope he's not a tight-arsed, lying bigamist, eh? Then I've only got you to blame, Jenni. Oh. By the way, he's got three children and an ex-wife. Just so you’d approve. In fact, why don’t you go out with him?”

  Jenni laughed even harder.

  “Fucking hell. Fuck. Ing. Hell. I don't believe it. You've actually listened to someone else and got rid of that stupid list.”

  “Not completely. I've still got half of it to tick off. I'm weaning myself off it.”

  “Maybe there's a support group. LA. Lists Anonymous.” We giggled a little and sipped the hot tea. “So, about your sister. Was it her?”

  “Yep.”

  “Oh. You don't seem so excited.”

  “I'm not. She doesn’t want to know. Wouldn't even speak to Mum and Dad. I spoke to Tim about her and it's all very confusing. I think I need to distance myself a bit to get used to the idea of it.”

  “Mmm. Good idea. A night out with Liam and his hose might take your mind off it!”

  I could still feel the abrasion of Tim's bristles on my thighs, stinging now as the euphoria wore off.

  “Yes, I imagine I would benefit from a good seeing to off Fireman Sam.”

  Actually, it did sound tempting and I stopped myself before my life turned into a continuous porn film.

  “The children were asking after you. And your mum? How is she? Did she take it badly?”

  “Well, if you call hysteria taking it badly, then yes. I'm going round to see her later on. I suppose someone will have to see her through this. It’s like starting from scratch with her.”

  Jenni donned her pensive face.

  “You know, they didn’t seem anything like you described them. They didn’t seem cold at all. They were, well, lovely.”

  I pictured them now, the house on fast-freeze, a light frost gathering in the corners and Mum turned back to ice.

  “That was then. To be honest, I don't know what’s going to happen now. She might get even worse, you know. With all this about Charlotte.”

  “Samantha quite took to her.”

  “That was when she thought she was gaining a granddaughter. Getting a bit of practice in. Believe me, she'd walk past you on the street now sooner than look at you. Only interested in herself.”

  “But you can’t blame her, Clem. She's had a shock.”

  “I know. But so have I. And who thinks about me? No one. It's all about her. Even Dad's fed up. He'll stand by her, but he's got no life.”

  We stared at the kitchen table in silence. It seemed to me like we were right back where we started. Suddenly, there was a loud knocking on the door.

  “I bet that's Liam coming back!”

  “Oooo. He's keen! I wonder if he's brought some friends.”

  “Hey, you’ve got Johnny!”

  I rushed though the lounge and pulled the door open, smiling widely.

  “Have you forgot...”

  My eyes met a very similar pair of eyes on a very similar face. Charlotte pushed past me and stood in the kitchen staring at Jenni, her arms folded.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Jenni stared back, open-mouthed, at Charlotte.

  “Fucking hell! She's your double.”

  I rushed in hoping that Jenni wouldn’t give the game away about me and Tim. But it seemed it was too late. Charlotte slammed the damp photos and letters that had been recently rescued from my freezer onto the table.

  “You're a fucking psycho.” She pointed at me. “Talk about going beyond the call of duty. I can see how fucking desperate you were to find me, but did you have to fuck my boyfriend to get to me?”

  Jenni’s eyebrows shot to the top of her forehead.

  “You didn’t, did you, Clem?”

  Charlotte moved closer to me and pushed my shoulders until I stepped backwards.

  “Abou
t an hour ago, by all accounts. That’s just the last time. They've been at it like fucking knives.” She spun to face Jenni. “Looks so sweet, doesn’t she? Except she couldn't just walk up to me and ask me if I was her long-lost sister who was practically invisible. No. She had to go via Timmy.”

  Jenni laughed.

  “Timmy?”

  I intervened.

  “It wasn’t like that. And Jenni can back me up. She was there when we met. Arthur made a beeline for Jenni here and Timmy picked me. And I didn’t fuck him. Even though he wanted to.”

  I knew it sounded bitchy but I couldn't help myself. She had a self-satisfied manner that rubbed me up the wrong way. Jenni was nodding. She lit a cigarette and looked at Charlotte for a response.

  “OK, so maybe you didn’t set it up. But as soon as you knew, you took things from the house. My things. Mine and Timmy’s things. We've been all round the world you know. Oh, you would, wouldn’t you? Coz you've been going through my things.”

  “Yes, but in actual fact, you mad bitch, I was going through Tim's ex's things. How the flying fuck did I know it was you? Believe me, there's been much deliberations about if it was you or not. Because, you see, we couldn’t believe that you could be living so near for so long without contacting us.”

  She folded her arms and stared at me.

  “I see. So, you’d rather have me dead, would you? Or living on the street? Make you feel better, would it?”

  “No. No. I'm glad you're alive. But all this with Tim. I honestly didn’t know it was you beforehand.”

  “Right. But for your information, Arthur told me about your little near miss. How he called you by my name. How you tried again but didn't have any condoms. So, you obliged him anyway, didn’t you? And all that penny stuff. He told me. You sound just like Dad and his stupid weak-assed sayings. When you can't think of anything else to say, say the first half-baked fucking cliché that comes into your head. Am I right?”