Demon Disgrace

by M. J. Haag

  Tor’s torn expression had me sighing.

  “If I don’t go, you can’t go. Am I right?” I asked.

  “I promised Merdon I would watch you at night. Shax and Emily are keeping watch during the day.”

  Of course they were.

  “Come on, Tor,” I said, not having the heart to deny him the company he craved so much. “You can study us as we have a girls’ night. Maybe you’ll learn something useful.”

  I woke with a start, smothering my scream. It didn’t matter that I knew I was inside Tolerance’s walls or safely in my house surrounded by wandering fey. I still looked around my room, searching the shadows for infected, or worse, my sister.

  My gaze landed on the chair beside my bed. Impulse had me pulling back the covers. I needed comfort, but there was none to be found in a vacant seat. I curled into a ball and remembered I was alone. Merdon had left me. Why, just when I’d started to need him so much?

  Listening to the thunderous beat of my racing pulse, I tried to tell myself it would be okay. Empty shadows couldn’t hurt me. Yet, the dark corners of my room weren’t the only thing I feared. How long would the chair beside my bed remain unoccupied? What would I do if he never came back?

  I closed my eyes and tried to think of something else. Anything else.

  The evening I’d spent with Brenna and Tasha rose to my mind. We’d watched a movie and enjoyed some popcorn and soft drinks. It’d been so normal, something I would have done with my own sister, and it hadn’t hurt. Instead, I’d watched the occasional flicker of devastation that flashed in Tasha’s eyes between her smiles. Unlike me, her smiles weren’t faked moments of joy. She was finding what happiness she could. But, like the rest of us, she was hurting from all that she’d suffered. Her grandfather had been killed by the men who’d tried to take her twice, according to the fey rumor mill. Would that have been Katie’s fate if I’d died in her place? I shuddered to think it.

  Unable to go back to sleep with those thoughts circling in my head, I got up and went downstairs to watch another movie. By the time it ended, the sun kissed the horizon, and scuffles of noise from upstairs told me Emily was awake.

  She didn’t seem surprised to see me on the couch when she came down.

  “Rough night?” she asked.

  “Yeah. As usual. When do you think Merdon will be back?”

  She paused in her process of pulling out ingredients for something and gave me an odd look.

  “Missing him?” she asked.

  “Yeah. I don’t get it myself, but I’m missing him like crazy. Staying busy is the only thing keeping me sane.”

  She was quiet for a moment.

  “Do you think you love him?”

  “Love him?” My tone said the idea was crazy, but the way my heart raced and the wave of heat that engulfed me from head to toe made me stop and think.

  “I don’t know,” I said after a moment. “Everything is still so confusing. My dreams. Being alive. It doesn’t make sense to fall for someone right now, you know?”

  “If he were a human, I might agree. But he’s fey. When he leaves these walls, you don’t have to worry about whether he’s coming back or not. Why wouldn’t you want to fall for someone who’s that stable?”

  “If he’s so stable, why’d he leave?”

  And I knew that was only part of the issue.

  “Why, when I’d just started to feel things for him?” I asked softly.

  “I don’t know, but the hurt on your face makes me want to kick him in the nuts. I don’t regret letting him in, though. I haven’t agreed with most of his decisions when it came to you, but he’s been so good for you, Hannah. Let’s be patient and see what he says when he comes back. And if a nut-kicking is in order, I’m your girl.”

  I snorted a laugh and helped her throw together a quick oatmeal bake.

  “What are we going to do if he is the one for me?” I asked, leaning against the counter. “Does that mean you and I need to stop being roommates?” Most of the single fey had their own houses in preparation for the females they hoped to have one day. Merdon didn’t, and I had a feeling that meant he planned to stay here.

  “I think Merdon won’t care, either way. I mean, you remember how they dropped their pants in front of us all by the lake, right? And how they tell each other everything? They don’t hold to modesty and privacy like we do.”

  “What about you?” I asked. “Would you want to stay here?” I didn’t quite manage to keep my feelings out of my tone.

  “Yes, I want to stay,” Emily said, coming around the counter to hug me tightly. “I’m not ready to leave you, and I’m glad you’re not ready either. But when you are, you can tell me to take a hike, and I won’t mind at all because that’ll mean you’re happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for you.”

  I could feel that pre-cry tingle in my nose and quickly pulled away from her.

  “Good. It’s settled. Merdon can move in, but he gets to sleep on the couch until we decide how hard to kick him in the balls.”

  She let me escape to practice and promised to have lunch ready when I got home.

  Outside, the air had turned colder again, but I didn’t mind. Two warmer days in a row had been enough to melt the snow from almost everything. Avoiding a cow pie in the middle of the street, I made my way to the practice lot and waved to the girls already waiting for me.

  I smiled at Tasha’s tired yawn.

  “How late did you guys stay up?” I asked.

  “Brog saw you and Tor leave last night and knocked on the door to ask if he could watch a movie with us, too,” Brenna said.

  “Then one fey multiplied into twenty,” Tasha said.

  “Heard you introduced them to some zombie movies,” Eden said.

  “Yep. Only the comedy ones.”

  “Because she thought I’d be scared. Like the movies are any scarier than real life,” Tasha said, rolling her eyes.

  “Hey, girls!” Angel called from Shax’s arms as he jogged toward us. “Heard you all had a party last night.”

  “Yep,” Brenna said. “Party at your house tonight.”

  Shax said no as Angel said yes, and we all laughed.

  Brenna didn’t let us stand around for long, though. We stretched and settled into what was becoming our morning routine. We paired off for archery and hand to hand. I was with Eden, and Tasha paired with Brenna while Angel sat on the side and ate her first snack of the day.

  I couldn’t say I was getting any better at anything, but given it’d only been a little over a week since my first archery lesson, my progress seemed reasonable. I still missed about fifty percent of the time when it came to the bow, and hand to hand saw me on the ground just as often as the other girls. But I was getting smarter with my moves. And I was reacting faster without having to think things through. So that was something.

  I was already thinking of a nice long soak in Emily’s tub when Brenna called for the first break of the morning.

  “Thank God,” Angel said. “I’m starving.”

  “You just ate an hour ago and barely did anything,” Eden said.

  “You try growing a baby. It’s hard work.”

  While we rolled our eyes, the fey who’d slowly gathered all shouted out offers to get her something to eat.

  “Whoever said licorice sticks, I want those,” Tasha said.

  A fey jogged off, happy to oblige her.

  “Is he really going to get me some?” she asked Brenna hopefully.

  “Yep.” The way Brenna looked at Tasha with a sad tenderness had me turning away from the pair.

  Both Brenna and I had normal childhoods filled with holidays, family gatherings, and whatever food we wanted. Tasha would never have that. She’d never have a normal first kiss or senior prom. She’d never graduate from high school or go off to college. That she was so excited over the possibility of what should have been a simple sweet treat broke my heart for her, and Katie...for the innocence of the lives they’d both lost even though one sti
ll lived.

  “I wouldn’t even care if it was a little dirty,” the girl said.

  “It won’t be,” Brenna said, wrapping her arm around the girl’s shoulders. “These guys find the good stuff.”

  Tasha grinned, her anticipation-filled gaze remaining fixed on the direction the fey had run.

  “Do you want anything to eat, Eden?” Ghua asked from his place on the sidelines.

  “Nope. I’ll be fine until lunch.”

  When she glanced at me, I caught a hint of something more to that conversation in her eyes but knew better than to ask. Not right then, anyway.

  “Want to do a girls’ lunch at my house?” I asked.

  “Yes.” Her quick answer confirmed that something was up. I knew Emily wouldn’t mind the extra company especially if it involved a story. I wouldn’t quite call her a gossip, but she sure liked to know what was going on in people’s lives. That’s why she and I got along so well.

  Tasha let out a happy noise then a groan.

  “That’s not him, is it?” she said.

  Brenna’s smile grew.

  “Nope.”

  I looked and saw two fey jogging our way. Their silhouettes were unmistakable.

  Thallirin and Merdon were home.

  My heart leapt, and I hungrily watched for the first glimpse of Merdon’s face as he neared. His gaze locked on mine. I smiled, and unable to hold still, took a step in his direction. The closed expression on his face shifted a little, and I could have sworn his lips tipped at the corners ever so slightly before the hint of happiness disappeared again.

  I wasn’t sure if that glimpse was enough to save his balls.

  Brenna let out a little squeal and jumped up into Thallirin’s arms when he reached her.

  My greeting for Merdon was more subdued.

  “You’re back,” I said when he stopped before me.

  “I am.”

  “I think I’m mad at you for leaving in the first place.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I missed you, you idiot. There was no one there for me at night.”

  “I was there,” Tor said. “We went jogging, remember?” He focused on Merdon, who still watched me. “You are right that she forgets things.”

  “I didn’t forget,” I said. I looked at Merdon. “But it wasn’t the same. The chair was empty. What was so important that you had to leave?”

  A terrifying sound reached my ears before he could respond.

  A soft mewl.

  I stepped back as he withdrew a small kitten from inside his shirt and held it out to me. It couldn’t be more than a few weeks old.

  “You left to find a cat?” I asked.

  “I left to find you hope.”

  I stared at the small puff of grey fur and recalled our conversation about cows and chickens. He’d left to find me a reason to live because I was his new reason to keep going. Lifting my gaze to meet his, I felt myself melt a little further for the man.

  “It’s yours,” he said, still holding it out. “And there are more animals where this one was. We couldn’t carry them all, but we will get them for you.”

  “I’d trade my candy for a cat,” I heard Tasha whisper.

  I looked at the young girl.

  “You can have mine,” I said.

  Her mouth dropped open. She looked equal parts excited and guilty.

  “Every kid needs a pet,” I said, assuring her. Then I looked at Merdon. “I’m having all the feelings right now because of this gift, but I can’t accept it. I’m allergic to that kind of animal. Like throat-closing, red, watery-eyes, gasping for breath kind of allergic. Thank you so much for finding it, but it needs to go to someone else. And you need to take a shower so I can give you the hug you deserve.”

  He looked down at the cat, at me, then passed it off to Tasha.

  “I’ll take a raincheck for lunch,” Eden said. “Go help him clean up.”

  I nodded, not taking my eyes from Merdon, and grabbed my bow.

  “We will leave at first light,” Thallirin said. “There are many animals. We spoke to Drav. He will send Ryan and trucks so we can get the creatures quickly and return the same day. We will need thirty volunteers.”

  “Can I go?” Tasha asked Brenna while already snuggling the cat to her face. If I tried that, my face would look like a marshmallow within a minute.

  “We don’t have any cat supplies here, and I’m betting there are some where they found it,” Tasha added.

  “We’ll talk to Mom, but I’m sure she won’t stop you from going if that’s what you really want,” Brenna said.

  “I do,” Tasha said, kissing the top of the kitten’s head.

  “Are you serious?” I asked. Mine wasn’t the only shocked face. Eden looked equally concerned.

  “This is the world we live in,” Brenna said. “Hiding from it won’t help us survive it. Besides, there will be thirty fey to keep us safe.”

  “Us?” Thallirin echoed.

  “I’d rather be with you than home alone, waiting,” she said. “It sucked being left behind.”

  He pressed his lips to her forehead. That was it. End of discussion. The fey were going to let those two go with them? Out there beyond the wall where anything could happen?

  My gaze locked on Tasha. I could feel the tightness in my chest growing.

  “Come,” Merdon said. The command in his voice cut through my growing panic.

  “She can’t go,” I said. “You know she can’t. It’s not safe.”

  “Hannah, what do you think we’re doing here? An apocalyptic version of aerobics class? We’re learning skills to survive an increasing threat. It doesn’t matter where we are. Out there? In here? The risk follows us because the infected are after us. Don’t let yourself believe for a minute that these walls are what’s keeping us alive.”

  I could feel it, the panic from the woods the moment I’d realized Katie and I would die. Brenna’s words echoed what I’d said to James over two weeks ago. Only then, I hadn’t been sure I wanted to live when I’d realized my imminent death. Things had changed, though.

  “Hannah,” Merdon said sharply.

  I turned on him.

  “I’m not a dog. Stop trying to command me.”

  “And I just held a cat that will make you not breathe if I touch you.”

  “I don’t see how the two are related,” I said.

  “You’re upset, and I cannot physically remove you from what’s upsetting you. Let’s go home.”

  I stared at him a moment, then glanced at Brenna.

  “Let your mom know I want to talk to her before she makes up her mind.”

  Brenna nodded. I could see she was worried, but not for Tasha. For me. She’d seen my breakdown. She knew I had some kind of baggage. And she’d obviously connected Tasha’s desire to go outside the wall with that baggage. How could she not? I’d been close to freaking out again.

  “How do you always know?” I asked Merdon as we walked away.

  “Because I know you.”

  I believed he did. And I thought, just maybe, I was starting to understand him.

  “Thank you for going out to look for animals, but you didn’t need to do that. You’ve been giving me hope all along. Little bits that I don’t think either of us noticed.”

  He grunted and glanced at me like he wasn’t sure what my angle was.

  “What do I need to do for you to start believing I mean what I’m saying? That it’s not some game or ploy to manipulate you into getting my way? Because I don’t like how those speculative looks of yours make me feel. It’s annoying, and I have enough crap on my plate to deal with. I thought I’ve always been real with you.”

  He was quiet for a moment.

  “You have. But is it because I won’t allow you to treat me as you have the others or because you don’t want to?”

  It was my turn for silence. He asked a good question that led to deeper self-reflection. Was I just being real because he wasn’t letting me get away with anything
else? What would I do if I thought I could pull something over on him. The little devil in me got excited by the idea. Not because I wanted to get away with something but because I wanted him to stop me.

  His spankings had warped me. That was the only explanation for it.

  The remainder of the walk to the house was quiet.

  When I opened the door and called out that we were home, Emily’s response was immediate.

  “Nuts or no nuts?” she asked, popping up from behind the island.

  “I hate when you do that, you weirdo,” I said. “And nutting isn’t necessary. He left to find animals for me.”

  Her expression lit up as she looked at Merdon.

  “Did you find any?”

  “Yeah. A cat,” I said.

  “Ooh.” She made the oh-no face to go with the sound. “You better go shower. Hannah’s allergic.”

  “How did you know?” I asked.

  “One of the many rounds of spin the bottle. I asked what hurt you. You said cats.”

  “Ah.” She had probably hoped for a far different answer when she’d asked that question. Maybe, someday soon, I’d talk to her about it. But I wasn’t there yet.

  Merdon started for the guest bathroom downstairs, and I watched him leave.

  “Glad he’s back?” Emily asked.

  “Yeah.”

  “Did you tell him he gets the couch?”

  “I’m thinking about offering the other side of my bed.”

  “Mmm,” she said, the non-committal noise giving me no clue what she was thinking.

  “Are you being judgy? Because if you are, I’m going to tell Mary that you’re desperate for a man in your life.”

  “Ha. I’m not judging. I’m wondering what reason he gave for going out to find an animal for you, especially a cat, that has you protecting his nuts after all those spankings. It must be something good to upgrade him from the couch to the bed.”

  “When I first saw the cows after I sobered, it gave me hope. Hope that we weren’t just sitting inside these walls, waiting for our turns to die. Hope that there was a possible future and a purpose to keep going. I think he went out to find more reasons for me to live.”

  “Wow,” she said softly.

  “Yeah. Wow.”