One Night at the Call Center

by Chetan Bhagat

  “Kolkata.”

  “Oh, the land of sweets, excellent. Anyway, Anuj, you get to send a dozen red roses, with your message, to anyone in India. This service is brought to you by Interflora, one of the world's largest flower delivery companies.”

  Vroom was like a pro, I must admit.

  “And I don't pay anything? Thanks, Interflora,” Anuj said with suitable gratitude.

  All of us had our mouths shut tight and the headset mouthpiece covered with our hands.

  “No, my friend, no payment at all. So do you have the name and address of your special person?”

  “Yes, sure. I'd like to send it to my girlfriend, Payal.”

  I think the earth shook beneath us. I looked at Vroom's face: His mouth was wide open and he was waving a hand in confusion.

  “Payal?” Vroom said, his speech slowing to a more normal pace as he dropped the exuberant hyperactive DJ act.

  “Yes, she's my girlfriend. She lives in Delhi. She's a modern type of girl, so please make the bouquet fashionable.”

  Radhika couldn't stay silent any longer.

  “Payal? What did you just say, Anuj? Your girlfriend, Payal?” Radhika said.

  “Who's that… ? Radhika … ?”

  “Yes, Radhika. Your fucking wife, Radhika.”

  “What's going on here? Who is this Max guy, hey, Max?” Anuj said.

  I think the Max guy just died. Vroom put his hand on his head, wondering what to say next.

  “You talk to me, you asshole,” Radhika said, probably cursing for the first time since she'd got married. “What message were you going to send this Payal?”

  “Radhika, honey, listen, this is a prank. Max? Max?”

  “There is no Max. It's Vroom here,” Vroom said in a blank voice.

  “You bastar—” Anuj began before Radhika stood up and cut the line. She sat back down on her chair, stunned. A few seconds later she broke down in tears.

  Vroom looked at Radhika. “Damn, Radhika, I am so sorry,” he said.

  Radhika didn't answer, she just cried and cried. In between, she lifted the half-knitted scarf to wipe away her tears. Something told me Radhika would never finish the scarf.

  Esha held Radhika's hand tightly. Maybe the tear bug passed through their hands because soon Esha started crying as well. Priyanka went to fetch some water, then Radhika cried a glassful of tears, and drank the glass of water.

  “Take it easy. It's probably a misunderstanding,” Priyanka said. She looked at Esha, puzzled as to why she was so upset about Payal. I guess Esha's “real pain” was back.

  Radhika rifled through her bag looking for her headache pills. She could only find an empty blister pack, cursed silently and threw it aside.

  “Radhika?” Priyanka said.

  “Just leave me alone for a few minutes,” Radhika said.

  “Girls, I really need to talk,” Esha said as she wiped her tears away.

  “What's up?” Priyanka said as she looked at Esha. They exchanged glances: Esha used the female telepathic network to ask Priyanka to come to the toilet. Priyanka tapped Radhika's shoulder and the girls stood up.

  “Now where are you girls going?” Vroom said. “I created this situation. Can't you talk here?”

  “We have our private stuff to discuss,” Priyanka said firmly to Vroom and left the desk.

  “What's up? What's the deal with Esha?” Vroom said to me after the girls were out of sight.

  “Nothing,” I said.

  “Come on, tell me, she must have told you in the conference room.”

  “I can't tell you,” I said and looked at my screen. I tried to change the topic. “Do you think Bakshi expects us to prepare for his team meeting?”

  “I think Esha is feeling sorry for having said no to me,” Vroom said.

  I smirked.

  “Then what is it?” Vroom said. I shrugged my shoulders.

  “Fine. I'll use our earlier technique. I'm going to the toilet to find out,” Vroom said.

  “No, Vroom, no,” I said, trying to grab his shirt, but he pulled away and went to the men's room.

  I didn't chase after him. I didn't care if he found out. I figured he ought to know what his love interest was up to anyway. I called systems and told them the calls had still not resumed. They promised to come to my desk with the new cable in “five minutes maximum.” They must be busy. Computers are supposed to help men, but computers need help from men, too.

  With no one at the desk and the systems down, I decided to take a walk around the room. I passed by Military Uncle's station and noticed him slouched at his desk. This was typical of him. I went closer. His head was resting on the desk.

  “Everything OK?” I said. There were already enough problems tonight. Military Uncle raised his head. I looked at his face: his wrinkles seemed more pronounced, making him look older.

  “My son replied to the e-mail I sent,” he said. “I think the file was too big.”

  “Really? What did he say?” I said. Military Uncle shook his head and put it back on the desk. The message on his screen caught my eye.

  Dad, You have cluttered my life enough, now stop cluttering my mailbox. I do not know what came over me that I allowed communication between you and my son. I don't want your shadow on him. Please stay away and do not send him any more e-mails.

  “It's nothing,” Uncle said, as he closed all the windows on his screen. “I should get back to work. What's happened? Your systems are down again?”

  “A lot is down tonight, not just the systems,” I said and returned to my seat.

  Chapter 22

  2:25 a.m.

  DID YOU KNOW? ”Vroom whispered to me as he returned from the men's toilet.

  “What?” I said.

  “Esha's big bad story.”

  “I'd rather not discuss it. It's her private matter.”

  “No wonder she won't go out with me. She needs to romp her way to the ramp, doesn't she? Bitch.”

  “Mind your language,” I said, “and where are the girls?”

  “Coming back soon. Your chick was consoling Radhika when I left.”

  “Priyanka is not my chick, Vroom. Will you just shut up?” I said.

  “OK, I'll shut up. That is what a good call-center agent does, right? Crap happens around him and he just smiles and says, ‘How can I help you?’ Like someone's just slept with the one girl I care for, but it's OK, right? Pass me the next dumb customer.”

  I saw the girls on their way back to the desk. “The girls are coming. Pretend you know nothing about Esha.”

  The desk was silent as the girls took their seats. Vroom was about to say something, but I signaled for him to be quiet. The systems guy finally showed up with new kick-proof wires and reinstalled our systems. I was relieved as calls began to trickle in. Sorting Americans' oven and fridge problems was easier than solving our life problems.

  I looked over at Priyanka once; she was busy with a caller. “My chick.” I smirked to myself at Vroom's comment. She was no longer my chick. She was going to marry a rich, successful guy—someone who was no competition for a loser like me. Certainly not after Bakshi backstabbed me with his website, I thought. But had I given up? Did I still feel for her? I shook my head at the irrelevant questions. What did it matter if I still felt something for her? I didn't deserve her and I wasn't going to have her. That was reality and, as is often the case with me, reality sucks.

  Esha was still subdued after returning from the toilet. Priyanka was trying to cheer her up.

  “Get a flowing lehnga for the engagement. But what will you wear for the wedding? A sari?” Priyanka asked Esha between calls.

  “My navel ring will show,” Esha said.

  I'm constantly amazed at the ability of women to calm down. All they need to do is talk, hug and cry it out for ten minutes, and then they can face any of life's crap. Esha's “real pain” was obviously much better, or she was at least distracted from it, given that she could discuss her dress plans for Priyanka's big day.
>
  “Don't do anything elaborate,” Priyanka said, “I'm going to tell my mother I want a simple sari. Of course, she will freak out. Hey, Radhika, are you OK?” Priyanka said as she noticed Radhika massaging her forehead.

  “I'll be fine. I'm just out of migraine pills,” Radhika said as she picked up a call. “Western Appliances, Regina speaking. How may I help you?”

  The landline telephone's ring caught everyone's attention.

  “This is my call. Guys, I know the system is live, but can I take this call?” Priyanka said.

  “Sure. The call flow is so light anyway,” Vroom said as the landline continued to ring.

  Priyanka's hand reached for the telephone. I casually switched the option on my screen to listen in to the conversation.

  “By the way, dark blue mica is also a good color,” Vroom said as Priyanka lifted the receiver.

  “What?” Priyanka said.

  “I saw the Lexus website, dark blue mica is their best color,” Vroom said.

  I threw Vroom a disgusted glance.

  “At least that's what I think,” Vroom's voice dropped as he intercepted my look.

  “Hello, my center of attention,” Ganesh's beaming voice came over Priyanka's and my phones.

  “Hi, Ganesh,” Priyanka said sedately.

  “What's up, Priya? You sound serious,” Ganesh said.

  Priyanka hates it when people shorten her name to Priya. This moron had yet to learn that.

  “Nothing. Just having a rough day… sorry, night. And please call me Priyanka,” she said.

  “Well, I'm having a rocking day here. Everyone in the office is so excited for me. They keep asking me, ‘So when is the date?’ and ‘Where is the honeymoon?’”

  “Yeah, Ganesh, about the date,” Priyanka said, “my mum's just called.”

  “She did. Oh no. I thought I'd give you the good news myself.”

  “What good news?”

  “That I'm coming to India next month. We should get married then. How about having our honeymoon straight from there? People say the Bahamas is amazing, but I've always wanted to go to Paris, because what could be more romantic than Paris?”

  “Ganesh,” Priyanka said, her voice frantic.

  “What?”

  “Can I say something?”

  “Sure. But first tell me, Paris or the Bahamas?”

  “Ganesh.”

  “Please tell me where you'd rather go.”

  “Paris. Now can I say something?” Priyanka said.

  Esha and Radhika raised their eyebrows when they heard the word Paris. It wasn't difficult to guess that honeymoon planning was in progress.

  “Sure. What do you want to say?” Ganesh said.

  “Don't you think it's a little rushed?”

  “What?”

  “Our marriage. We've only talked to each other for a week. I know we've spoken quite a bit, but still.”

  “You've said yes to me, right?” Ganesh said.

  “Yes, but…”

  “Then why wait? I don't get much leave here, and considering I now spend my every living moment thinking about you, I'd rather bring you over at the earliest opportunity.”

  “But this is marriage, Ganesh, not just a vacation. We have to give each other time to prepare,” Priyanka said and twirled a strand of hair with her finger. I used to love playing with her hair when we were together.

  “But,” Ganesh said, “you've spoken to your mother, right? You heard how happy she is about us getting married next month. My family is excited as well. Marriage is a family occasion, too, isn't it?”

  “I know. Listen, maybe I'm just having a rough night. Let me sleep on it.”

  “Sure. Take your time. But have you thought of a color?”

  “For what? The car?”

  “Yeah, I'm going to pay the deposit tomorrow so it's here when you arrive, assuming you agree to next month, of course.”

  “I can't say. Wait, I heard dark blue mica is nice.”

  “Really? I kind of like black,” Ganesh said.

  “Well then, take black. Don't let me—” Priyanka said.

  “No, dark blue mica it is. I like that color. I'll tell the dealer it's my wife's choice.”

  The words “my wife” sizzled my insides the way they fry French fries at McDonald's. I closed my eyes for a few seconds. I couldn't bear to hear another man talk like this to Priyanka.

  “Hey, Ganesh, it's 2:25 a.m. here. I have to get ready for a 2:30 meeting with the boss. Can we talk later?” Priyanka said.

  “Sure. I might leave work early today. Maybe look at some tiles for the pool. But I'll call you when I get home, OK?”

  “Pool?” Priyanka said as she took the bait.

  “Yes, we have a small swimming pool in our house.”

  “Our house? You mean you have a private pool?”

  “Of course. Can you swim?”

  “I have never been in a pool in my life,” Priyanka said.

  “Well I can teach you. I'm sure there are many interesting possibilities in the pool.”

  The French fries were burned charcoal black from being over-fried.

  “Bye, Ganesh.” Priyanka smiled and shook her head. “You guys are all the same.”

  She hung up.

  “What's the matter?” Esha said as she filed her nails.

  “Nothing, same stuff. First tell me, are you OK?” Priyanka said.

  “I'm fine. Please keep me distracted. I heard Paris.”

  “Yes, as a honeymoon destination. And, of course, more pressure to get married next month. I don't want to, but I just might have to give in.”

  “Well, if it means seeing Paris sooner rather than later …,” Esha said and looked over at us. “Right, guys?”

  “Sure,” Vroom said. “What do you think, Shyam?”

  Stupid ass, I hate Vroom.

  “Me?” I said as everyone looked round. Esha stared at me for five seconds nonstop. I didn't want to come across as a sulker—or childish, my new tag for the night—so I responded.

  “Sure, might as well get it done. Then go to Paris or the Bahamas or whatever.”

  Damn. I kicked myself as the words left my mouth. Priyanka looked at me and her nose twitched as she thought hard.

  “What did you just say, Shyam?” Priyanka said slowly, looking straight at me, her nostrils flaring big-time.

  “Nothing,” I said, avoiding eye contact. “I just said get married and go to Paris sooner.”

  “No, you also said the Bahamas. How did you know Ganesh mentioned the Bahamas?” she asked.

  I kept quiet.

  “Answer me, Shyam. Ganesh also suggested the Bahamas, but I didn't tell that to you guys. How did you know what he said?”

  “I don't know anything. I just randomly said it,” I replied, my shaking voice giving me away.

  “Were you … listening to my conversation? Shyam, have you played around with the phone?” Priyanka said and got up. She lifted the landline phone and pulled it away from the table. The wire followed her. She looked down under the table and tugged at the wires again. A little wire tensed up all the way back to my seat. Damn, busted, I thought.

  “Shyam!” Priyanka screamed at the top of her voice and banged the landline instrument on the table.

  “Yes,” I said as calmly as possible.

  “What is going on here? I cannot believe you could sink so low. This is the height of indecency,” she said.

  At least I'd achieved the heights in something, I thought.

  Radhika and Esha looked at me. I threw up my hands, pretending to be ignorant of the situation.

  Vroom stood and went up to Priyanka. He put his arm around her shoulder, “C'mon, Priyanka, take it easy. We're all having a rough night.”

  “Shut up. This is insane,” she said and turned to me. “How could you tap into my personal calls? I could report this and get you fired.”

  “Then do it,” I said. “What are you waiting for? Get me fired. Do whatever.”

  Vroom
looked at Priyanka and then at me. Realizing there wasn't much he could do to help, he returned to his seat.

  Esha pulled Priyanka's hand, making her sit down again.

  “What the … he …,” Priyanka said, anger and impending tears showing in her voice. “Can't one expect just a little decency from our colleagues?”

  I guess I was just a colleague now. An indecent colleague at that.

  “Say something,” Priyanka said to me.

  I stayed silent and disconnected the tapped wire. I showed her the unhooked cable and threw it on the table.

  Our eyes met. Even though we were silent, our eyes communicated.

  My eyes asked, Why are you humiliating me?

  Her eyes said, Why are you doing this, Shyam?

  I think eye-talk is more effective than word-talk. But Priyanka was in no mood to be silent.

  “Why, Shyam, why? Why do you do such childish, immature things? I thought we were going to make this amicable. We agreed to some terms and conditions, didn't we?”

  I didn't want to discuss our terms and conditions in public. I wanted her to shut up, so I could scream. “We said we would continue to work together, and that just because we'd ended our relationship, it didn't mean we had to end our friendship. But this … ?” she said and lifted the wire on the table, then threw it down again.

  “Sorry,” I said, or rather whispered.

  “What?” she said.

  “Sorry,” I said, this time loud and clear. I hate it when she does this to humiliate me. Fuck it, if you've heard an apology, just accept it.

  “Do me a huge favor. Stay out of my life, please. Will you?” Priyanka said, her voice heavy with the sarcasm she had picked up from me.

  I looked up at her and nodded. I felt like putting her and Ganesh in their dark blue mica Lexus, wrapping it with the landline and drowning it in Ganesh's new pool.

  Vroom sniggered, even as he continued clicking his mouse. A smile rippled over Esha and Radhika as well.

  “What's so funny?” Priyanka said, her face still red.

  “It's OK, Priyanka. C'mon, can't you take it in a bit of good humor?” Vroom said.

  “Your humor,” Priyanka said and paused, “has a tumor. It isn't funny to me at all.”

  “It's 2:30, guys,” Esha said and clapped her hands, “time to go to Bakshi's office.”