One Night at the Call Center

by Chetan Bhagat

  “There are four things a person needs for success. I will tell you the two most obvious things first. One, a medium amount of intelligence, and two, a bit of imagination. Agreed?”

  “Agreed,” everyone said.

  “And all of you have those qualities,” God said.

  “What are the third and fourth qualities?” Vroom said.

  “The third is what Shyam has lost,” God said.

  “What's that?” I said.

  “Self-confidence. The third thing you need for success is self-confidence. But Shyam has lost it. He is 100 percent convinced he is good for nothing.”

  I hung my head.

  “You know how you became convinced?” God said.

  “How?” I said.

  “Because of Bakshi. A bad boss is like a disease of the soul. If you have one for long enough, you will become convinced something is wrong with you. Even when you know Bakshi is the real loser, you start doubting yourself, and that is when your confidence evaporates.”

  God's words shook my insides like the vibrating Qualis had a few minutes earlier.

  “God, I would like to get my confidence back,” I said.

  “Good. Don't be scared and you will get it back, and then there'll be no stopping you.”

  I felt the blood rush to my ears. My heart was beating hard and all I wanted was to be back at the call center. Anger surged in me when I pictured Bakshi. I wanted to get even with the man who had killed a part of me, who had put everyone's job on the line, who had ruined the call center.

  “What's the fourth ingredient for success?” Vroom said.

  “The fourth ingredient is the most painful. It is something all of you still need to learn. Because it is often the most important thing,” God said.

  “What?” I said.

  “Failure,” God said.

  “But I thought you were talking about success,” Vroom said.

  “Yes, but to be really successful, you must first face failure. You have to experience it, feel it, taste it, suffer it. Only then can you shine,” God said.

  “Why?” Priyanka said. She was obviously focused on my character analysis, too. I tell you, Ganesh may have the Lexus, but she will never find a more interesting psycho case than me.

  “Once you've tasted failure, you will have no more fear. You'll be able to take risks more easily, you will no longer want to snuggle in your comfort zone, you will be ready to fly. And success is about flying, not snuggling,” God said.

  “Good point,” Priyanka said.

  “So, here is a secret. Never be afraid of failure. If it has already come your way, it really means I would like to give you a proper chance later,” God said.

  “Cool,” Priyanka said.

  “Thank you,” God said.

  “If only you had given as much to India as America,” Vroom said.

  “Why, don't you like India?” God said.

  “Of course. Just because India is poor doesn't mean you stop loving it. It belongs to me. But even so, America has so much more,” Vroom said.

  “Well, don't be so high on America. Americans may have many things, but they are not the happiest people on earth by any stretch. Any country obsessed with war can't be happy,” God said.

  “And what exactly lies behind all this war sentiment?” God said.

  “Fear. It's obvious, they are the most easily scared and paranoid people on earth,” I said.

  “We'll scare them into calling us. Yes, that's how to retrieve our call volume,” Vroom said, his voice excited.

  “Now you're thinking. In fact, you can figure out a way to get even with Bakshi too. Not completely fair and square, but I think you deserve to be able to bend a few of the rules,” God said, and I thought I heard a chuckle.

  We all smiled.

  “Really, do you think we could teach Bakshi a lesson?” I said.

  “Sure, remember Bakshi is not your boss; your ultimate boss is me. And I am with you. So what are you afraid of?” God said.

  “Excuse me, but you are not always there with us, otherwise how did we end up here?” Radhika said.

  God sighed. “I think you need to understand how my system works. You see, I have a contract with all human beings. You do your best, and every now and then I will come and give you a supporting push. But it has to start with you, otherwise how can I distinguish who most needs my help?”

  “Good point,” Vroom said.

  “So if I listen to my inner call and promise to do my best, will you be there for me?” I said.

  “Absolutely. But I have to go now. Someone else is trying to reach me,” God said.

  “Wait! Help us get out of this pit first,” Esha said.

  “Oh yes, of course,” God said. “OK, Vroom, you're balancing on a few rods now. There are two tricks to get out of such a situation.”

  “What are they?”

  “One, remember the reverse gear. And two, make friends with the rods—do not fight them. Use the rods as rail tracks and they will guide you out. Shake things around and you will fall right through.”

  Vroom stuck his neck out of the window. “But these steel construction rods are as thin as my fingers. How can we bunch them up?”

  “Tie them,” God said.

  “How?” Vroom said.

  “Do I need to tell you everything?” God said.

  “Dupatta. Use my dupatta,” Priyanka said.

  “Here, I have this half-knitted scarf in my handbag,” Radhika said.

  “I think you can take it from here. Bye now. Remember, I am inside you when you need me,” God said.

  “Huh?” Vroom said and looked at the phone.

  “Bye, God,” the girls said one after the other.

  “Bye, everyone,” God said and disconnected the call. I waved the phone good-bye. Silence fell.

  “What… was … that?” Priyanka said.

  “I don't know. Can I have the dupattas, please?” Vroom said. “Military Uncle, can you open the rear door and tie up the rods under the wheel? Tear up the dupatta if you want to.”

  Priyanka flinched for a second at the last line, but that was the last we saw of her dupatta and Radhika's half-knitted scarf. Vroom and Military Uncle tied up the rods right under the wheel for the Qualis to do its ten-foot journey to firm ground. Several times they had to bend over and look deep into the pit. I was glad I wasn't the one doing it—I would have died just from the view.

  “OK, people.” Vroom sat back on the seat, wiping his hands. “Hold tight.”

  Vroom started the ignition and the Qualis vibrated as the rods below us started quivering again.

  “Vroom … I am … si… ipping,” Esha said, trying to grip the handle of the glove box.

  In a nanosecond, Vroom put the Qualis in reverse and drove backward. We all ducked down, partially so Vroom could see, but mostly in fear.

  The Qualis shook as if it was motoring down a hill. But we didn't fall. My upper and lower jaws chattered so hard I thought a couple of teeth would break loose.

  In six seconds, it was all over and we were out of the pit and on the slushy mud road again.

  “It's over. I think I'm alive,” Vroom said with a grin of relief. He turned around, “Are you still there?”

  Chapter 31

  4:40 a.m.

  WE ALL RELEASED OUR BREATHS TOGETHER. The girls hugged, and Vroom reached out and backslapped me so hard I thought I'd broken my back.

  He did a U-turn and drove back slowly in first gear until we reached the highway.

  “We made it,” Esha said and wiped away her tears. Priyanka folded her hands and prayed a few times.

  “I thought we were going to die,” Radhika said.

  “What was that call?” Esha said.

  “Something very strange—can we make a pact not to talk about it?” I said. Everyone nodded, as if I had said exactly what was on all their minds. It was true. The call felt so personal I didn't want to discuss it any more.

  “Whatever it was, we're OK now. And we'
ll be back in the office soon,” Priyanka said.

  “It's still only 4:40. We're just two kilometers away,” Vroom said. He soon regained his confidence and began driving at sixty kilometers an hour.

  “I feel lucky to be alive, I don't care when we get there,” Esha said.

  “I don't want to get back to find out about the layoffs. I'm leaving in any case,” Vroom said.

  “You are?” Esha said.

  “Yes, enough's enough,” Vroom said.

  “What are you going to do?” Priyanka said.

  “I don't know long-term—maybe get back into journalism. But as an immediate short-term goal, I'm going to try to save the call center,” Vroom said.

  “Hey, d'you want to open a web design company with me?” I said.

  “With you?” Vroom said, looking back at me.

  “I'm leaving, too,” I said.

  “Really?” Priyanka's eyes popped open. She looked at me as if a seven-year-old had just announced his decision to climb Mount Everest.

  “Yes, I came close to death in that pit. I could have died there without ever having taken a risk in my life. I am tired of soft, comfortable options. It's time to face the real world, even if it's harder and more painful. I'd rather fly and crash than just snuggle and sleep.”

  Everyone nodded. I was taken aback; it seemed people were really listening to me for the first time.

  “Plus, I've made one more promise to myself,” I said.

  “What?” Vroom and Priyanka said together.

  “I'm not going to work for an idiot any more, anywhere. Even if it means less money. I could skip a meal a day and sleep hungry, but I can't spend my life working for a moron.”

  “Not bad,” Vroom said, “looks like our team leader-in-waiting has just wised up.”

  “I don't know if I'm wise or not, but at least I've made a choice. We'll see what happens. For now I have a short-term goal, too.”

  “Like what?” Vroom said, as he drove with utmost concentration.

  “I have to take care of Bakshi too. Since we have nothing to lose, let's teach him a lesson,” I said.

  Vroom screeched the Qualis to a halt and we all fell forward.

  “Now what?” I said.

  “Wait, I've just had a eureka moment. I have an idea for fixing Bakshi and the call center at the same time,” Vroom said.

  “What?”

  “Aha, I like it,” Vroom said and smiled to himself.

  “What, damn it?” I said.

  He leaned back and whispered something in my ear.

  “No way, I mean how?” I said.

  “I'll tell you how when we get back. Let's meet in the WASG conference room,” he said and pressed the accelerator hard as we drove the final stretch to the center. We entered the Connections main gate at 4:45 a.m., passing Bakshi's car again.

  “Shall we bump it? Should we give it a nasty dent?” I said to Vroom.

  “The thought did cross my mind,” Vroom said and let out a sigh, “but I love cars too much to hurt them. Don't worry, we'll deal with him inside.”

  Vroom drove the Qualis into the parking lot. Our driver was sleeping in another vehicle, so we parked quietly next to him. We wanted to give him a few more hours of rest before he woke to find his mud-coated vehicle.

  “People, let's go—4:46,” Vroom said and jumped out of the car.

  Back at our bay there was an A4-sized sheet stuck to my monitor with big bold letters scrawled on it.

  “Check this out,” I said. It was Bakshi's writing.

  WHERE IS EVERYONE? PLEASE CALL/REPORT TO MY OFFICE ASAP. WHERE ARE THE COPIES OF THE AGENDA FOR MY BOARD MEETING? WHAT HAPPENED TO THE PHOTOCOPIER? AND AGENT VICTOR'S MONITOR?

  Vroom looked at the notice and laughed. “Whatever. He'll get his answers. But first he'll answer us. Guys, conference room first,” Vroom said.

  We filed inside the conference room and Vroom bolted the door.

  “Guys, sorry to sound like an MBA type, but I think for the next few hours we have a three-point agenda to consider. One, to save this call center, and two, to teach Bakshi a lesson. Agreed?”

  “What's the third point?” Radhika said.

  “That's between me and Shyam. It's private. OK, listen…”

  And that is where Vroom revealed his plan. We jumped in our seats when we first heard it, but slowly Vroom convinced us. Between laughter and intense concentration, everyone joined in to refine the plan further. At 5:10 a.m., we concluded our meeting and left the WASG conference room.

  “All set?” Vroom said.

  “Of course,” we said.

  “Good. Step 1: Bringing Bakshi out of his office,” Vroom said. “Esha, are you ready?”

  “Yes,” Esha said and winked at us.

  She picked up the phone, dialed Bakshi's number, and put on the voice of an older woman.

  “Sir, this is Elina calling from the main bay. There's a call for you from Boston, I think,” Esha said in a dumb-but-conscientious secretarial tone.

  “No, sir, I can't seem to transfer it… Sir, I've already tried, but the line doesn't seem to hold … Sir, I'm a new assistant here, so I'm still not sure how the phones work… Sir, sorry, but can you come down, sir… Yes, sir,” Esha said and hung up the phone.

  “Did it work?” I said.

  “He's a total sucker for anything to do with Boston. He's coming right now. But he'll only be out for a few minutes, so let's rush.”

  Chapter 32

  5:00 a.m.

  As PLANNED, BAKSHI'S OFFICE was empty when we arrived.

  Vroom went straight to Bakshi's computer and opened his e-mail.

  Radhika, Priyanka, and I sat at his conference table.

  “Hurry,” Radhika said, keeping one eye on the door.

  “Just one more minute,” Vroom said as he typed furiously on Bakshi's keyboard.

  I knew what we were doing was wrong, but somehow it wasn't associated with “real, hard, painful guilt,” as Esha had put it. In fact, it felt good. Once he'd finished, Vroom printed several copies on Bakshi's printer.

  “Five copies,” he said, “one for each of us. Fold it and keep it safe.”

  I folded my copy and put it in my shirt pocket.

  Bakshi came in twenty seconds later.

  “I can't believe we have such outdated telephone

  Systems,” Bakshi was talking to himself as he came into his office, then he noticed us at the conference table.

  “There you all are. Where were you? And what happened to the photocopier and agent Victor's monitor?” Bakshi said. He wrapped his arms around his middle and looked at each of us in quick succession.

  “Sit down for a second, will you, Bakshi?” Vroom said, patting a chair next to him.

  “What?” Bakshi said, shocked at Vroom referring to him by his name. “You should learn how to address seniors—”

  “Whatever, Bakshi,” Vroom said and put his feet up on Bakshi's meeting table.

  “Agent Victor, what did you say and what exactly do you think you are doing?” Bakshi said, still standing.

  “Ahh,” Vroom said, “this is so much more comfortable. Why don't people always sit like this?” Vroom crossed his skinny legs on the table.

  “I can't believe you are misbehaving at a time when I have to recommend rightsizing—” Bakshi said as Vroom interrupted him again.

  “You are mega fucked, Bakshi—” Vroom interrupted him.

  “Excuse me? What did you just say, Agent Victor?”

  “So you're not only dumb, but deaf, too. Didn't you hear him?” Esha said, trying hard to suppress a smile.

  “What the hell is going on here?” Bakshi said and looked at me blankly, as if I was a renowned interpreter of nonsense.

  Vroom pushed a printout toward Bakshi.

  “What's this?” Bakshi said.

  “Read it. They taught you how to read in your MBA course, didn't they?” Vroom said. The e-mail read as follows:

  From: Subhash Bakshi

  To: Esha S
ingh

  Sent: 05.04 a.m.

  Subject: Just one night

  Dear Esha,

  Don't be upset. My offer is very simple-just spend one night with me. You make me happy—I'll protect you from the right-sizing operation. My pleasure for your security, I think it's a fair deal. And who knows, you might even enjoy it, too. Let me know your decision soon. Your admirer, Bakshi.

  Bakshi's face turned white. His mouth opened five inches wide as he re-read the e-mail several times.

  “What is this? What the hell is this?” Bakshi said, his hands shaking as much as his voice. His mouth was open and vibrated as if it was battery operated.

  “You tell us. It's an e-mail from your inbox,” Vroom said.

  “But I didn't write it,” Bakshi said, unable to hide a note of desperation in his voice, “I did not write this.”

  “Really?” Vroom said as he lit a cigarette. “Now how can you prove you didn't write it? Can you prove to the people in the Boston office that you didn't write it?”

  “What are you talking about? How is this connected to Boston?” Bakshi said, his face spouting droplets of sweat through the oilfields.

  “Let's see. What if we forward Boston a copy of this e-mail? The same people who received a copy of the website manual, say. I'm sure they love employees who do, how did you put it? ‘fair deals’,” I said.

  “I did not write it,” Bakshi said, unable to think of a better line.

  “Or we could send a copy to the police,” Vroom said as he blew a huge puff of smoke in Bakshi's face, “and to some of my reporter friends. You want to be in the papers tomorrow, Bakshi? Here's your chance.” Vroom took out his phone, “Oh wait, maybe I could even get you on TV.”

  “TV?” Bakshi said.

  “Yes, imagine the headline: CALL CENTER BOSS ASKS GIRL FOR SEXUAL FAVORS IN EXCHANGE FOR JOB. New Delhi TV could live on that for a week. Damn, I'd make a good journalist,” Vroom said and laughed.

  “But what did I do?” Bakshi said and ran to his desk. He opened his e-mail and checked the “Sent Items” folder.

  “Who wrote this?” Bakshi said as he saw the same e-mail on his screen.

  “You didn't?” Priyanka said as if in genuine confusion.

  “Mr. Bakshi, I held you in such high esteem. Today my faith in my role model is shattered,” Esha said and put her hands to her face. She was good—I thought she should try for an acting career.