I smile to myself, longingly imagining myself being a part of this conversation. The baby would have been a few months old by now. It’d have a name and Jonathan and I would have first-time parent stories to tell…
Swallowing down my emotions, I push my thoughts away, observing the conversation as the light-hearted banter continues around me. This group seems to have known each other for quite some time, and when I ask how they all met, I’m told that Elliott and Paige met Naomi when they all travelled to the UK and rented a flat together. When they returned home, they've all kept in contact, so they’ve been with Naomi through every step of her music career.
Then there’s David and Katrina. They became a part of the group because Katrina and Elliott's mothers are good friends. From what I can gather, Katrina and Elliot dated once, but it was brief and they have since become friends with each other and their spouses.
Then of course, there is Naomi and Theo, who are the reason Lisa and Marcus are involved in this friendly bunch. Marcus and Theo are brothers who both went to school with Naomi and enticed her to join their band a few years ago. After Marcus left the band it caused a bit of a rift in the family, but they’ve since mended fences and everyone is married and talking children like any group of young married couples.
"So, do all of you have kids?" I ask, forcing myself to join in.
“We have one boy,” Katrina says.. “I’m not sure if I’m cut out for more than one kid. But Paige and Elliot have two and another on the way.” Paige smiles and holds up her bottle of water as if it’s evidence of her pregnancy. My heart squeezes with jealousy.
“And I’m getting ready to announce my first,” Naomi explains with a smile. “I’m about four months along.”
“Oh wow, congratulations,” I say, my voice strained. “That’s, ah, really wonderful.”
“Thanks,” Theo says. “Knocking her up was tough, but someone had to do it.” I’m grateful for his joke, but it earns him an elbow in his side from his wife.
“And as far as kids go for me and Marcus, well, we have Perry,” Lisa says with a wink, although I already know that she isn’t ready for kids, it’s something we’ve spoken about before. So I think she’s saying it more for the group’s benefit than mine.
“I love Perry,” Naomi says. “Every time we look after him, I don’t want to give him back.”
And from there the conversation gratefully shifts from kids to dogs, to jobs then memories. They’re all lovely and they include me as much as they can, but their happiness is a little hard to be around, and when I notice my wine glass is empty again, I excuse myself to go and get another drink, checking my phone on the way to the bar to make sure Mum hasn’t called. It’s only ten o’clock.
“What will it be?” the barman asks and I once again ask for the house wine.
"I know you," a blond-haired man says, as I turn away from the bar with my drink in hand. I know him too, it’s Lachlan Hurst, the bass player in Matiari. I haven’t had much to do with him besides a few interview questions back in the day. He spends a lot of time enjoying the female company that many musicians are privy to from all accounts. "You’re a reporter or something, aren't you?"
"I am.” I smile, taking a sip from my wine. "But I'm not here reporting tonight. I’m just here enjoying the show, which was really great by the way.”
A big grin crosses his boyish face as his eyes travel down my body. "Well, we do our best to put on a good show for beautiful women like you.”
I step away, reading the interest in his body language before he finishes complimenting me. It’s not that I find him creepy or sleazy, I’m just not ready for this. The moment his tone becomes flirtatious, it causes my stomach to twist uncomfortably. He’s not Jonathan.
“Well, you’re all very talented. Excuse me though, I’m actually here with friends.”
He smiles and looks over to where I was standing. “You don’t want to hang around with the married couples do you? They get boring sometimes, talking about their home renovations and holiday plans. Why don’t you hang out over here, we’re more fun.”
“I’m sure you are. I’m just—”
“She’s with me, actually.” To my surprise, Joel slips his arm around my shoulder in a brilliantly timed rescue.
“Sorry, mate.” Lachlan holds his hands up. “No harm intended, we were just chatting.”
“No worries,” Joel says, steering me away. “We’ll see you around.”
“Thanks for the save,” I say as he leads me away.
“Just protecting my best mate’s girl. It’s what we do.”
Then he deposits me back at my group and returns to Jayden and Cooper without further conversation. No one seems to notice I was gone, so I just stand there, missing Jonathan even more than I did before I got here.
I need to tell him to stop waiting for me.
The thought makes my heart weep in the cavity it once filled in my chest. It was bursting then. Now it’s shrivelled, weeping on the floor, missing the life it could have had.
“I think I’m going to head home,” I say to Lisa when I manage to grab her attention for a moment.
She gives me a wry smile. “You’re not having fun, are you?”
“It’s OK. I’m just tired. I’ll get a cab and call you tomorrow.”
She gives me a hug. “Text me when you get home.”
“You’re leaving?” Marcus asks from beside her.
“Yeah. Headache.”
“Shouldn’t we drive her?” He looks at Lisa.
“I’m fine, honestly. Stay and have fun.”
“OK. Well, tell your mum hi from us,” he says.
“I’ll do that. She’ll get a kick out of Marcus Bailey saying hi to her.”
“Well, next time Lisa comes to visit with Perry, I’ll come too, give her a big shock then.” He grins, leaning down to give me a kiss on the cheek. I still haven’t asked him if he remembers me from that weekend a couple of years ago, but seeing how happy he and Lisa are now, I don’t think I want to bring it up. Besides, I have zero feelings for him now. When his lips brush my cheek, it’s like being kissed by a cousin. I feel nothing.
“Let me walk you out,” Joel says, falling into step beside me as I head for the door.
“There’s no need. Stay with your friends.”
“They’re my brothers.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean anything by it.”
“I know.” He flashes me a smile as he tucks his hands into his pockets and bows his head, walking beside me quietly, opening doors until we step out into the cool night. “Car’s this way.”
“I don’t need a lift. I’m fine getting a cab.”
He laughs. “Yeah. Not gonna happen.” He holds out his keys and hits the fob, making a midnight blue BMW beep and light up. “This way.” He opens the passenger door and I slide into the curved leather seat without any further argument. When he closes me in, I have a moment where I’m enveloped in silence. It’s pure bliss after the noise in the club.
“Clubs aren’t your thing anymore?” he asks when he gets behind the wheel.
“I don’t know. I used to love them. Especially this place. But, I don’t know…”
“Things change?”
“Yeah. Things change.”
For a while we drive in quiet, listening to the radio as he focuses on the road and I watch the illuminated streets as they flick past the window, wondering what Jonathan is doing now and if he thinks about me as often as I think about him. I’m both elated and devastated that he’s still waiting on me. I think if I could figure out a way to make things work with him, I’d be on that phone in an instant. But when I imagine us together, all I can do is think about the reasons we’re apart.
“Thanks for saving me from that guy earlier,” I say after a while.
“Don’t mention it.” He shrugs. “You needed a save, I was there. Besides, every man in his right mind should be able to tell you’re not available.”
“How do you get that?”<
br />
“It’s the way you are around people. It’s like you’re looking for someone.”
“Maybe it’s just because I’ve been grieving for my father.”
“Nah, it’s more than that. It’s like you’re looking for your light.”
“My light?”
“Yeah, you know, the person who makes you light up when you’re around them. You have it when you’re around him.”
“I appreciate what you’re trying to do, Joel. I really do. But Jonathan and I, we’re from different worlds. I can’t leave mine for his, and I won’t let him leave his for mine,” I say, even though it probably makes little sense to him. “My mum needs me.”
“I think it speaks for your character how devoted to your family you are, but you need to understand that Jonathan is the same. You’re his family, the moment he found out you were pregnant that’s what you became for him.”
“But I lost the baby, Joel. There’s no reason for him to think of me like that. I genuinely want him to move on with his life.”
“Then why are you still wearing grandma’s ring?”
I clutch my hand to my chest protectively. “Because it’s all I have left. But I’ll give it back if you think that’s what I should do.”
He shakes his head. “No. I think you should call him and tell him how you feel, one way or another. This limbo isn’t fair to either of you, but Jon-o will keep waiting because he’s loyal as fuck when he loves you. I know that more than anyone.” He glances at me a moment before his hands tighten on the wheel. “When I was sixteen, my brother killed himself.”
“Oh my god, I had no idea. I’m sorry.”
“It is what it is. I’ve come to terms with it now, but when I was still a kid, I didn’t handle it well. Neither did my parents. They became so volatile, I was almost sent to live in a group home, but the Masters stepped up and took me in. They treated me like family even though I was so angry I made life a living hell for the first two years. And Jonathan, no matter how hard I pushed him away, no matter how awful I was taking my pain out on him, he never stopped being there for me. Not once.”
“Sounds like you’re very close.”
“We are. But that’s not what I’m telling you.”
“I know. You’re telling me Jonathan isn’t going to give up on me.” I release a heavy breath.
“Yeah. But the big part of what I’m saying is, get your head out of your arse. You love each other. You’re meant for each other. Stop being so bloody dramatic and call him so you can figure out your shit.”
“But—”
“No buts. Do it. Now, here’s your house. Get in there and make a bloody phone call.”
“I…um…”
“Good night, Sandra. I hope I’ll see you soon.”
“Er…ah…thanks for the lift.” Feeling like I’ve been slapped in the face, I exit the car and head to the front door, turning around to offer a wave as I step inside the house since he’s waiting to make sure I get inside safely.
Everyone makes out like contacting Jonathan again will be so easy. It’s been months. And while my feelings haven’t changed, our circumstances have. I am a daughter first.
It’s only eleven, so I expect to find my mother awake, but she’s fast asleep on the couch with the TV still on, playing some weird YouTube funny video show. I laugh when it shows a man running scared when a kitten jumps out at him, then I pick up the remote and turn the sound right down and cover mum with a blanket.
Gently, I smooth my hand over her hair. “’Night, Mum,” I whisper. Then I tiptoe into the bathroom to wash off my makeup and get ready for bed. And for the life of me, I can’t manage to fall asleep. I can’t stop thinking about Jonathan.
Thirty-Eight
Sandra
I want him. I miss him. That much is true. I’ve been trying to ignore my feelings beneath the justification for why I pushed him away. I’ve tried to reason with my emotions that it was all for the best and that we couldn’t have made it. We couldn’t have survived. Our relationship was too young for the strain of grief and guilt.
But I can’t deny it anymore. At least not to myself, anyway.
I am still in love with Jonathan Masters. Hopelessly. Desperately. Despite the time and distance between us, he’s never far from my thoughts. And after the conversations I had last night, I think it might be the same for him.
Doesn’t it already hurt? This not being together. It hurts, don’t you think?
After spending the night around so many happy couples, I find myself confronted by what I’ve done to us. I spend the night wide-awake, re-running every detail of our time together. And there’s one thing I can’t stop seeing; the look on his face when I told him to go. The look when I took away the last of his hope. Every time I see that look in my mind, a deep pang resounds in my stomach. I know that feeling well now, it’s the pang of regret.
I have wished for a time machine so many times since my father died, and now I wish again, wanting to turn back the clock and somehow undo pushing Jonathan away. Is there a way we can overcome this? Is there a way we can still be together?
Strange noises come from the lounge room and pull me from my bed. The sun has barely been up for an hour but I still haven’t slept. There’s too much on my mind.
“What in the world?” I stop at the entrance to the living area, finding my mother sitting in the middle of the room with all the cupboards open and piles of vinyl records, music CDs and DVDs surrounding her as well as three large boxes labelled ‘keep’, ‘store’ and ‘charity’.
“Good morning,” she chirps, flipping through a few vinyls and placing them in the ‘charity’ box. “I didn’t wake you did I?”
“What are you doing?” I ask with a frown, confused as to why she’s throwing Dad’s things away.
“I watched a show about organising and downsizing last night. It’s prompted me to go through the whole house and pack things away. I think it’s time to sell the house and get something small for me. I might even get a dog or a cat or something.”
“Aren’t you allergic to pet hair?”
“Oh, I’ll manage. They have pills for that sort of thing, you know.” She picks up a big stack of records and drops them in the ‘charity’ box.
“Stop. You can’t give that away,” I cry, reaching out to stop her throwing away Dad’s collection of Beatles vinyls that he painstakingly collected over the years because he thought their music didn’t sound right on CD.
“Well, what am I supposed to do with it, Sandra? Make a vigil? Mourn him as terribly as I did in the beginning for the rest of my life? He wouldn’t want that.”
I take the albums from her hands. “Well, he wouldn’t want this either.”
“Then I’ll tell you what, you keep the ones you think are important and we’ll give the rest to charity, okay? They’re just gathering dust here, sweetheart, better to go to a collector who would actually use them.”
Nodding, I hug the albums to my chest and then slide them into the box marked ‘storage’, feeling that was the best compromise for now.
Then I sit on the ground beside her and begin sorting through each pile one by one.
“Are you sure you want to move? This has been your home for so long,” I ask.
“I know. But your father has been gone for almost a year now. I’ve mourned here, and come to realise that staying here is like living with his ghost. I can’t stop feeling sad here, and he wouldn’t want this for me. I need to find a way to move on and live for the both of us,” she explains, flipping through another stack of old vinyl album covers that haven’t seen the light of day since I was a kid. “He had wonderful plans for us to travel when he retired. So, I think I owe it to him to see everything he wanted us to see together. I think, wherever he is now, he’d be happy if I did that.” She nods, sliding the records into the box marked ‘charity’. I wince a little, seeing them go, but I’m beginning to understand why this is important to her, so I put my own feelings aside and try to understan
d. I may have lost my father, but she lost her soul mate, and I need to do whatever I can to ease the burden on her heart.
“Yeah, I think he would be happy if you did that,” I agree, beginning to flip through our massive CD collection and remembering each album being played in this house over the years. “Oh god, remember this one?” I say, holding up The Best of Cat Stevens. “I remember Dad bringing it home and then blasting ‘Wild World’ and ‘Cats in the Cradle’ all the time.”
Reaching out, she takes it from my hand and looks at it smiling. “You know, this was his favourite album. He always said that it told the story of life.” Opening it up, I see her brow furrow as she finds a DVD inside. “What’s this?” she says, holding it up to show me.
On it, it says ‘Play this only if I’m gone’ in my dad’s writing.
“Oh my God,” I gasp, reaching out and taking it from her hand and racing to the DVD player to insert it, my hands shaking as I wonder what it could possibly be. As I step back from the TV with the remote in hand, I look over at mum who is wiping her hands on her pants repeatedly as a worried look sets upon her face. “Do you want me to play it?” I ask, and she nods, glancing at me quickly but keeping her gaze glued to the screen.
Aiming the remote, I hit the play button and within a few seconds, my dad’s face appears on the screen, causing my mother to gasp with a quick intake of breath.
As large as life, he’s there in front of us, smiling as he runs his hands over his thick head of hair before he speaks. “Geez, I feel a bit silly right now. But I’m hoping that both of my girls are sitting together, watching this right now, and I hope that you weren’t cheeky and found this too early and are watching it while I’m at work or something. But I guess that’s the risk you take when you do this sort of thing… Anyway, the purpose of this video is supposed to be because I’ve died, and I wanted to leave something behind for you to find when you felt strong enough to start going through my things.” He clears his throat and adjusts slightly on his chair before he continues.
Star (Beautiful Book 5) Page 23
