by Sue MacKay
‘You got nothing better to do than make up stuff?’ Molly asked around the longing that wasn’t in a hurry to go away.
‘Better than thinking about my own problems.’
‘You heard from Cole today?’
‘Four times. They’re heading back to Randwick late Saturday.’
Molly smiled as she opened her locker to retrieve her supper. ‘That’s good news.’
‘It is.’
That’s it? Not sure whether to press for more, Molly stayed quiet. As her soup heated in the microwave she threw out, ‘You know where I am. Come round for coffee any time.’
‘What time are we going to look at that apartment?’
‘Eleven tomorrow morning.’
‘I might watch your basketball game too.’ Vicki wasn’t getting her nails done, or sprucing up the apartment for Cole? There was definitely something wrong.
Molly shivered. She and her new friend made a right sorry pair.
* * *
Nathan held his breath. What apartment? Where? Molly was moving? His flat was still available.
Yes, but she doesn’t want you in her life outside here.
He should be glad Vicki was going with her to check out the new place, but all he could think was, Why didn’t you ask me to go along?
Making an abrupt turn, he headed for the lift to go downstairs to the cafeteria. Sitting in the same small room with Molly, hearing her talking and laughing with others, was too much.
She didn’t ignore him at work, did her best to remain friendly and approachable without expecting any special attention, which he’d had to back off from giving or risk upsetting her further. Yet it was as though she was a stranger. Wound up in plastic wrap, visible yet unavailable, nothing changing. His life was on hold. His head spun.
Life could be horrid, throw up the worst of bad deals, and Molly had had more than her fair share. He hurt with missing her. But he also had to sort out what it was he wanted in life. For all Molly had said, she was right about one thing. He did want a family. But he wanted it with her. Which it seemed was an impossibility, for now at least.
Then again, the day would probably come when Molly was ready, and then what? If he’d walked away as she was trying to make him do then they’d have missed out on the wonderful, loving relationship that he believed was possible. The question he’d been asking himself for the past weeks was, Do I want to miss out on love so I can have children?
The only answer that made its way into his skull was no. Yet he hesitated to try and persuade Molly to take a chance on them. Something in the pain that had bored into him from her desperate eyes when she’d told him she might be making a mistake held him back. He didn’t want to cause her any more pain.
His phone rang. ‘You’re lucky I’m taking a break,’ he told his sister. ‘You working late?’ It was after midnight.
‘Only time it’s quiet around here.’
‘The joy of having those brats.’
‘We’re not coming up for the weekend,’ Allie said. ‘Russ has pulled a murder inquiry.’
‘You and the kids can still come down.’
‘Or you and Molly could come here for the weekend.’
It was like a punch in the gut. His sister thought Molly was a serious part of his life. ‘She’s got other things on.’
‘Nathan, you’ve let her get away, haven’t you?’
‘You’ve read too much into our relationship.’
‘We all think she’s wonderful. She fitted in with everyone, and that’s saying something.’
How true. ‘You’re right on that score.’ Why did Allie automatically think he was at fault for Molly no longer being on the scene?
Ever consider Molly might have dumped me?
‘I’m going now. I need to eat before I get hauled back to the department for someone who had nothing better to do on a Friday night than get into a scrap somewhere.’
‘Nathan.’
‘If I didn’t know better, I’d say that was Mum talking to me.’
Allie chuckled. ‘Believe it, brother. Now, tell me what’s going on.’
‘I’m at work, Allie.’
‘Having a break. You wouldn’t be worrying what Rosie would have to say about you finding someone else, by any chance?’
‘Hardly. She told me to move on and not live on my own for ever.’ So why the hesitation on his part? He couldn’t put it all on Molly. Was trying to save her pain an excuse for his own insecurities? Talk about mixed up. At some point they both had to take a step into the unknown, whether it was together or with other people. He wanted to do it with Molly. So was he worried about letting Rosie’s memory down?
‘Are you sure?’ His sister echoed his doubts.
No, he wasn’t sure about any damned thing. ‘Got to go. Talk later in the week.’ He ended the call before Allie said anything else disruptive to his thinking. Not that it was hard to do, he thought as he bit into the chicken roll he’d bought at his favourite bakery. Today they’d failed him. The roll was tasteless, the bread dry, and there wasn’t enough mayo. Tipping the lukewarm coffee down the sink, he went back to work in search of a distraction. One that didn’t have red curls and sad eyes.
* * *
Saturday morning found Nathan charging up and down the lawn with the mower as if a swarm of bees was after him. How was Molly’s apartment viewing going? The place was closer to Bondi Beach than Bondi Junction. She’d shown no reticence about filling him in on the scant details she’d obtained from the agency when he’d asked. He hadn’t asked what had happened to the idea of purchasing a property. Could be she wasn’t as ready for something permanent after all. It’s what she’d said about a relationship with him.
Nathan ran out of lawn to do battle with. Now what? If there were some waves he’d go surfing, but the sea couldn’t be calmer. If only the kids had turned up. He was in his happy zone with them. Family was what it was all about.
There’s more to family than just the children. You need the right woman first. Not only as the mother but for you, your partner, lover, holder of your heart.
He shook his head. When he’d finally found the woman he wanted to be with, a woman he’d started letting into his heart, it had all gone wrong.
Did I scare her off?
Nathan sank down on one of the outdoor stools and stared unseeingly out to sea. Was that why she’d pulled out? The only thing wrong with that idea was that she’d sounded so genuine about not being sure of herself, of needing more time to become comfortable with herself. A lot more comfortable. Molly didn’t lie or exaggerate. She’d meant every word, so he could relax on that score. He hadn’t frightened her away. But there had been more to what she’d said. He’d seen it flicker through her eyes as she’d turned to leave that night.
Could it be his need to have children that was the problem? That she was afraid of letting him down? Because she would be nervous about not getting everything right with the man she finally gave her heart to. That was a given, after what her ex had done to her.
This was getting too complicated. Overthinking everything in an attempt to find answers that only Molly could give him.
Tugging his phone from his pocket, he called Molly on speed dial, and listened to the ringing go on and on until voice mail picked up. Hearing her message to leave a number and name made his heart slow and his stomach tighten. Damn it. After Rosie had died he’d often rung her phone just to hear her voice. He hit ‘end’. This was spooky. Molly was out there somewhere. He’d see her on Monday if not before. She hadn’t gone away for ever. Comparing the situation with that of Rosie was desperate.
He rang Molly’s number again. ‘Hey, Molly, it’s Nathan. Give me a buzz when you get a moment. Nothing urgent.’
She must’ve got that because he didn’t hear back from her.
Finally, unable to focus on any of the
chores that needed doing, he went for a drive. It wasn’t until he was driving over the Harbour Bridge that he realised where he was going. A calm settled over him. Yes, he needed to do this, to find out if he was ready to move forward.
The house was small, tired, and didn’t touch him in any way. Rosie’s immaculate gardens were a riot of weeds and kids’ toys, and he felt a moment of sadness for what had been. A dog lay on the front porch, too lazy to lift its head when he stopped at the front gate. He and Rosie had intended getting a dog one day when there was time to look after it properly, but seeing the setter sprawled over the spot Rosie had used to sit in the sun didn’t raise any feeling other than nostalgia.
‘I miss you, darling, but you’ve gone. As has the house with all our hopes and dreams. It’s someone else’s paradise now.’ Like Rosie, it had morphed into something different, freeing him to get on with his life, to make a new future with Molly. He’d always miss Rosie, love her quietly, but to spend for ever mourning her was to waste the life he’d been given. As Rosie had told him in that last hideous week, ‘Life’s precious, Nat. Grab it and make the most of what you get. Don’t spend it all thinking about what might’ve been. Do it for me, if not yourself.’
‘Actually, Rosie, I am going to do this for me. And Molly.’ There was a spring in his step as he walked away from the past.
* * *
The band was so loud her eardrums were bursting. It was also out of tune and the guy at the microphone couldn’t have sung his way out of a paper bag if he’d tried.
‘That’s terrible.’ Molly grimaced, and took a sip of her vodka. The second in one night. Turning into a lush, girl.
Vicki raised her glass in salute. ‘At least he’s still upright, unlike the drummer.’
They were at a bar in Randwick, close to the army base. Needing to be busy, Molly had offered to drive Vicki out here to meet Cole when his unit got into town early in the morning. After checking into a motel down the road, they’d come along to the pub for a meal, though Molly had barely touched her food, her stomach permanently tied in knots. Her clothes were a little looser too. Funny how once she’d have been thrilled about that, and now thought she looked better with a little weight on her hips to fill out her gorgeous trousers and skirts.
Molly looked around at the crowd and wished she’d stayed in the city. She didn’t belong here. Standing up, she set her half-full glass aside. ‘Let’s go. I can’t take any more of this.’
‘Spoilsport.’ But Vicki was quick to follow her. Outside they both checked their phones. Vicki scowled. ‘Nothing. Where’s Cole?’
Molly stared at her screen. ‘One missed call.’ She knew the number off by heart. ‘Nathan.’ They still talked, although not in a relaxed way as before. He hadn’t phoned her since they’d gone their separate ways. If he hadn’t said it wasn’t urgent, she’d be starting to worry.
‘What did he want?’
Molly shrugged. ‘No idea.’ She’d love to talk to him, to touch his hand, and feel his lips on her cheek. It wasn’t going to happen. She’d left him. It was over.
‘Here we are.’ Vicki gestured to the bright neon lights flickering on and off. ‘Why are we staying in a motel when I could be at home in my big comfy bed, watching TV?’
‘Because Cole is about to ride into town, looking for you,’ Molly said. ‘Plus I don’t drive after drinking.’ Neither did she want to go home to her empty apartment. It echoed of Nathan. Fingers crossed, she’d be moving very soon. The owner of the place she’d inspected that morning was getting back to her tomorrow after he’d checked exactly when the current tenants were moving out. She hadn’t found the strength to go looking for somewhere to buy. Seemed she wasn’t as far ahead in her new life as she’d hoped.
Right then Vicki got a text. ‘Cole says he’ll be knocking down the door at six.’
‘I’ll get out of the way by a quarter to.’ Molly set the alarm on her phone.
‘Don’t rush off on my account. Damned time of the month. The army never gets it right.’
She grinned. ‘Some things we can’t control. But I still don’t want to be here for the reunion.’ Molly stripped down to her underwear and slid under the covers of the nearest bed. ‘Get some sleep so you’re not dozing off on your husband.’
Molly fell asleep immediately, only to sit bolt upright some time later, her head thumping along with her heart. Time of the month. No. Not possible. Can’t be. Picking up her phone, she brought up the calendar.
Closing her eyes, she drew air into her lungs, and tried again. It had been due last week. Her periods were never reliable. This would be another example of nature rubbing her loss in her face. But—what if... No. She tossed the duvet aside and clambered out of bed to sit on the hard chair, her legs tucked under her, her body trembling. Sleep would be impossible. At least until she found out if she was pregnant.
She couldn’t be.
She showered, dressed, and crept out of the unit at five thirty, leaving a note saying, ‘Have a great couple of days. See you at work.’
In the car with the engine running she blew on her cold hands. Now what? It was too early for any shops to be open to buy a test kit. But she wanted to be at home when she found out the result so headed for Bondi Junction, concentrating on driving and not what she’d do if the test was positive. Go knock on Nathan’s door and apologise for walking away from him so quickly?
What had to happen was that she did not make any rushed, emotionally driven decisions that she’d come to regret.
Damn it. Her hand hurt where she’d hit the steering wheel. This was crazy. Here she was already thinking the test would be positive when in all reality there’d be no blue line. Her stomach sank. The gynaecologist had been clear about her slight chance of having a baby.
In Bondi Junction she sat outside the shopping centre, feeling ill, until it opened. With her purchase finally in her hand, she headed for home and privacy, afraid of the outcome, almost too scared to find out. Almost.
* * *
‘Answer your damned phone, Molly O’Keefe,’ Nathan shouted, dropping his on the bench with a clatter. ‘I need to talk to you,’ he added in a lower tone. ‘Please.’
He paced the kitchen. Think of another way to get her attention. Climb the Harbour Bridge and threaten to jump off? Then she’d really believe he was mad. Mad for her might not work in the circumstances.
The phone rang. Hope soared. Allie’s name blinked at him. Not in the mood for her wisecracks or helpful suggestions, he ignored her. She’d told him the family thought Molly was the bee’s knees. His gut had been telling him the same for weeks now. If only he’d listened earlier he might not be feeling so sore and uptight.
He did need to talk to someone, just not his sister. Molly. Snatching up the keys to his four-wheel drive, he headed for the garage, where he paused. If she wasn’t taking his calls then what were the chances she’d let him into her apartment? His gaze fell on the monster car, the sparkling paintwork reminding him it hadn’t been out for a run in weeks. Not since the day he’d brought Molly home for the first time. The day he’d suggested a fast ride out of the city. The first time he’d seen how excitement turned her eyes to emeralds and brought tenderness to her face.
Now he knew what to do. His finger zipped across the keys on his phone.
Hey, Molly, feel up to that ride in the red machine I promised weeks ago? I’m heading for the Blue Mountains and would like some company.
He pushed Send before he had time to overthink things. Now what? Stand here waiting for a reply that most likely wasn’t coming? Nope. He’d pack a picnic, find a blanket to spread on the grass, and put a bottle of wine in a chiller pack. Then he’d change into something less manky and head for Bondi Junction.
* * *
Midmorning, Molly gave up on her walk and let herself into the apartment, automatically reaching for the kettle to make tea. Her stomach told her it
was not taking tea or anything else right at the moment. But she needed to eat. She had a baby on board to look out for. She also needed sleep, but that was probably asking too much when she felt wired. And with her mind throwing up so many questions and doubts—all to do with Nathan. The father of her baby. He had to be told, and soon. She wouldn’t hold out on him. This new version of herself—still tinged with the old one but getting past that—would not hold back on the truth. All of it this time.
Her phone pinged. Nathan again.
Hey, Molly, feel up to that ride in the red machine I promised weeks ago? I’m heading for the Blue Mountains and would like some company.
So would I. Yours especially.
But would Nathan still be talking to her after she gave him her news? Or would he say she’d only told him to get back with him for all the wrong reasons? Only one way to find out. Shirking this was what the old Molly would’ve done. She was going to be a mother; she had to be tougher than she’d ever been. Starting with talking straight to Nathan.
Sinking onto a chair, she stared at the phone in her shaky hand. Do it.
Yes, please. Then she dug deeper. Do I get to drive?
I promised, didn’t I? Ten minutes away.
Ten minutes? What was she going to wear? The most important date of her life and she had to look good. Sensational even. She was going to blow Nathan out of the water with her news and—and he wouldn’t care about what she was wearing. Her shoulders dropped.
This is being tough?
The green floral dress was too loose, the black trousers and orange shirt didn’t go with the new boots, the red blouse and cream trousers looked good and felt all wrong. The pile on the floor grew as her wardrobe emptied.
‘What will you think of me when I tell you the rest of why I had to leave you, eh, Nathan?’
Ding-dong.
She was about to find out. Unless—No, she was not going to chicken out.
Ding-dong.
Molly ran through the apartment in her underwear and stabbed the button by the door. ‘You can’t come up. I’ll be with you shortly.’ Not waiting for his reply, she raced back to her bedroom and tugged on jeans and pulled a cream jersey over her head. But when her curls refused to be contained she stopped to stare at herself in the mirror.
