by Sue MacKay
Nathan rushed to fill the eerie silence before Molly could ruin the warm fuzzy feeling he got when he was with her. ‘Thanks for all you did tonight.’ She’d been a trouper, setting out food, clearing up after everyone, making sure no one went without a drink while barely touching one herself. ‘You were taught how to be the hostess with the mostest?’
Her chin jerked down once. ‘Yes. Part of being my mother’s daughter was the social training that went on every day, no matter what else was happening.’
Had Molly ever been herself, doing what she wanted, how she wanted? Or had the basketball, the nursing degree and whatever other things she’d achieved been done because she’d been put under pressure? Had she spent all her life trying to please others? He wouldn’t expect that of her. Ever. ‘Now you can do whatever you want. You could even have tipped Carry’s drink over his face when he started making rude suggestions to you and Myra.’
‘I came close, believe me.’ She shrugged. ‘It’s all right. He’d had too much to drink and will probably fall over backwards apologising on Monday.’
‘True. It’s not the first time, and won’t be the last. I’d like to not invite him to these dos, but he’s one of the team, one of the best, and everyone has their issues.’
So what’s yours tonight, Molly?
‘He’ll pay you back for the taxi you organised. You’re right, he is one of the best—when he’s sober.’ Worry was in her gaze, making her nibble her lip and turning those knuckles whiter than ever.
‘Talk to me.’
Her eyebrows lifted, fell back into place. ‘Too clever for your own good, you are.’
The foreboding increased. This was about him. He’d swear on his next breakfast Molly was about to dump on him. Or walk away for ever. His gut tightened as nausea rose. They weren’t an item so how could she drop him? This called for something stronger than a beer that had gone flat over the hour since he’d opened the bottle. Standing, he reached around Molly for the wine bottle.
She flinched.
Slowly withdrawing his hand without touching the bottle, he backed off two steps. ‘I’d never hurt you,’ he ground out through clenched jaws. ‘Never.’ It hurt for her to think differently.
‘I know.’
‘So what was that about?’ They’d come far, or so he’d thought. Guess it wasn’t easy to get over what had been done to her.
‘I’m sorry.’
He hated that word coming from Molly. It came loaded with the need to please, to be safe, and she did not have to do that around him. ‘You don’t owe me an apology for anything. But I would like an explanation.’
Her breath intake was ragged. ‘You’re right. You’re owed one.’ She was being too compliant.
He wanted to shake her gently, make her stop being that person and return to being the Molly he was getting to know, but instead he poured a small wine and returned to sit down, giving her space, wishing he could wrap her in a big hug and hold her until she never, ever felt afraid again. He should be able to without worrying he was making her uncomfortable. ‘I thought we were getting close enough to talk about most things.’
Especially since you told me about your ex.
‘I think I will have a drink after all.’
He started to get up to get it for her but she put up a hand in the stop signal.
When she sloshed as much wine on the bench as into her glass Nathan knew he was in trouble.
Putting his drink aside, he sat straighter, needing to focus on Molly and whatever was worrying her. He waited. His gut churned. His heart thumped hard and heavy. And he waited.
Perching on a stool, she sipped her drink and put the glass aside to jam her shaking hands between her knees. Then finally she raised her head and eyeballed him.
He wished she hadn’t. He would far prefer her not to say a word, to carry on with the silent treatment. There was something in her look that said his world as it had become was about to disintegrate. Rushing in, he said, ‘You can trust me not to hurt you that way.’
You’re repeating yourself.
‘Not in any way, if I can help it.’
‘Nathan. I get that. In spades. Otherwise we wouldn’t have been spending as much time together as we have. Even though it’s only been a short time, I trust you. It’s me who hasn’t been up-front about everything.’ Her breasts rose and the last drop of colour drained from her face. ‘I don’t see me having babies any time soon. If at all. And they’re important to you.’
His heart slowed, his lungs seized, his head spun, yet his eyes never left hers as he tried to figure out where this was going. ‘You said you wanted kids.’
‘Yes. One day, maybe. Right now I’m getting back on my feet after the horror that was my marriage. I don’t know what I want for the future. I don’t trust myself to get it right straight away. It’s too soon.’
‘I understand that.’ As much as he could, because it was a bit like him falling in love with her after the wonderful relationship he’d had with Rosie. But he hadn’t known fear like Molly had. Hadn’t had his belief in Rosie undermined. Hadn’t seen those she should’ve been able to trust not back her until later on, by which time her heart had already been broken. So, really, he knew nothing about where Molly was coming from.
Suddenly she was right in front of him, hands gripping hips, her eyes flashing. ‘No, you don’t,’ she yelled.
Nathan waited, not wanting to risk upsetting her further.
She breathed deeply, said in a quieter voice, ‘I know you’ve tried, but I’m still working at understanding myself, so how can you?’
He began to rise, to scoop her into his arms and hold her safe.
Her hand shot up in the stop sign again. ‘No. Please, no.’
He stilled, waited.
‘Sit down. Please,’ she added quietly, and he knew she hadn’t finished. In fact, she started before he’d taken a step, like it was a force that had to be set free. ‘Watching you with your family brought it home to me that I’m being unfair to expect you to spend time with me when I can’t guarantee I’ll ever be ready to want to settle down, let alone have a family. If we could guarantee we’d have some fun and walk away happy then...’
She swallowed hard. ‘I’m screwed up, Nathan, and while I might have stopped looking over my shoulder at every turn, I still have nightmares about being strong enough to cope with what’s ahead.’
‘You’re stronger than anyone I know,’ he ground out through the anger filling him for the man who’d done this to sweet, beautiful Molly.
‘It’s skin deep,’ she whispered. ‘Those steps I talk about taking—a toddler could do better.’
‘You’re taking them. That’s all that matters.’ Still he wanted to haul her into his arms and never let her go, to make her feel better, and stop the ache that was expanding in his chest. But the stop sign was still in her eyes, in the tight way she held herself, as though if she relaxed even a fraction she’d shatter. He also wanted, needed, to fight her gremlins for her, but Molly would never let him do that. She fought her own battles. All he could do was be there for her. ‘You need more time. We don’t have to stop seeing each other.’
‘And if I still don’t feel I can have a permanent relationship after we’ve spent a lot of time together?’ Her curls shook as she talked. ‘No, Nathan. You deserve better than that. You can love again, and have the life you want. You’ve been honest about your love of family and the children you want one day. I will not risk taking that opportunity away from you.’
Yeah, the news was starting to seep in around the edges of the haze in his mind, and making him begin to understand the full impact of what Molly was telling him. He had always wanted children. Growing up in a large, happy family, it had been a given he’d add to the clan, as his sisters had. Not once, not even when Rosie had died, had he given up on that dream completely. But did he want them at
the cost of love? He was half in love with Molly already. Half? Now was not the time to think about it. He’d finally let a woman close for the first time since Rosie. Yeah, and look where that was getting him.
His heart was on the way to taking another battering. He didn’t want to lose Molly, he wanted them to make this journey together. If at the end of it she still wasn’t ready for him then he’d have to take it on the chin. But he wanted the opportunity to give it all he had. ‘Why haven’t you said any of this earlier?’ It might’ve saved him falling for her. Except he’d thought that had begun the day she’d started in the department. ‘You’ve told me so much about what happened, it would’ve been simple to finish it with this. I’d at least have been warned.’ Anger was beginning to simmer. At her for not trusting him enough, at himself for falling for her, for finally letting go the restraints Rosie’s death had put on his heart.
‘At first I didn’t see what was happening. I do want love and family. One day. If I can get past all that’s happened. I’m afraid I might be reading too much into my feelings for you. You’re everything Paul wasn’t. I want that. What I don’t want is to make you into someone you’re not, and I could be unwittingly doing that. I need time, and getting out and about with people, before I’m ready for a commitment. It’s essential to know I’m not making another horrendous mistake—for everyone’s sake.’
Pain sifted through his tight chest muscles. This was not how he’d seen the night finishing. But life loved throwing curveballs. He already knew that, had dealt with it and had thought he was coming out the other side.
‘I’ll always be here for you, Molly. I care a lot about you.’ Damn it. He wanted to say he’d move on and be grateful she’d thought of him when trying to sort her life out, but he couldn’t. It wasn’t true. Neither was telling her he was falling in love with her a wise idea. It’d be putting everything back on her, and it was obvious she already felt terrible about this. He also had to own some of it for rushing in.
‘You sure we can’t continue as we are, and see how it turns out?’ He wouldn’t get down on bended knee. Only because he already knew it wouldn’t work and he had to have some pride left when she walked out.
Knuckling her eyes, she took her time answering him. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t know if we were having a couple of dates and then getting back to life as it used to be, though a lot friendlier, or we’d end up disliking each other.’
‘Stop saying sorry. You’re being truthful.’
‘And that includes being sorry.’ She shook her head, those blasted curls flicking in every direction. ‘I wanted another week with you before I said what was bothering me.’ She swallowed. ‘I once believed in love so much I thought it could overcome everything, now it’s hard to accept I was wrong.’
So she’d been happy with him. That put the final wedge in the situation. Molly O’Keefe had wanted to spend more time with him and she’d just made absolutely certain it wasn’t going to happen.
* * *
Molly staggered into her apartment and sank to the floor. She’d lied to Nathan—again by omission, but she’d been untruthful all the same. He deserved better. Through what Paul had done to her, she’d become someone else, a person she barely recognised at times. Honesty was of paramount importance now. On the other hand, telling Nathan about the small chance she’d ever get pregnant wasn’t ever going to happen. If he’d said he’d take the risk, she’d have to live with the hurt caused if it didn’t happen. She was not prepared to do that. He’d thank her one day.
Her heart was shredding, her head throwing so many accusations at her about dumping Nathan, it was a wonder she’d managed to drive home safely from Coogee. But she had. There wasn’t anywhere else for her to be. This was her home—small, lonely, but hers. She did not belong in Nathan’s house, or in his flat.
How had she fallen in love so quickly? The answer didn’t matter. She did love Nathan. Though what she’d told him was also true. It might only be a step in getting her life back. A temporary one, though judging by the agony in her chest that was complete and utter nonsense. With Paul she’d believed love would win the day. How wrong could she have been? That was the reason she was struggling to believe in herself now.
Yet, deep inside, a kernel of hope and longing and that love said this was for real. That Nathan was the right man for her. He’d always look out for her, come what may.
‘I did the right thing. Especially for Nathan.’
Didn’t I?
‘Yes.’
She had to believe this was the right way to go or she’d never get up in the morning. But, hell, she hurt. Everywhere. Who’d have thought she’d feel like this after such a short time with Nathan? Truthfully? She’d never expected to fall in love again when Paul had blotted her thoughts of what love was meant to be. But she had. And thereby done the right thing by Nathan in walking away before they got in too deep. Except she’d already done that. Deep, then deeper, her heart was tied up in knots for him.
Her phone lit up as a text came in. You get home all right? Nathan. Caring to the end.
A waterfall cascaded down her cheeks. Something special and wonderful had ended. She had to be that strong woman he mistakenly believed she was. Fake it till she made it.
Tap, tap on the phone. Yes. Sorry. Molly paused. Stop saying sorry. She deleted the word, typed, Thanks, and pushed Send. Fake it.
Her bed was cold—and lonely.
Her head ached. The pillow was soon soaked.
Her heart went through the act of giving her life, all excitement and happiness gone, just a regular pumping.
So much for finally joining in on the work social scene. She’d been afraid of trusting people and had been the one to dump on Nathan’s trust. Now she had to continue working with him because running away was not an option. She’d stand tall and take the knocks. And be strong, even if she had to fake it in the beginning.
Until now she’d believed of all the things Paul had done, taking away her baby and leaving her with only one damaged Fallopian tube was the hardest thing to deal with. Now she knew different. Walking away from Nathan was worse. He’d lost Rosie; he didn’t need to lose his chance of having children with someone in the future. His nieces and nephews adored him, and the youngsters he dealt with in the ED were always in awe of him. He’d be an amazing father.
Snatching the box of tissues, she scrubbed her face, but still the tears flowed. Never before had the knowledge of not being able to have a child been quite so devastating. No children, no Nathan.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
‘CAN YOU LOOK at two-year-old Lucy Charles?’ Molly asked Nathan. ‘She’s got a plastic top from a small tube stuck in her ear. She’s a right little cutie, even if she is screaming the place down.’
‘You’ve tried oil to get the top out?’ Nathan asked, ever the professional with her, though there were times he’d ask how she was doing at basketball or in the op shop.
Over the past month she’d become so used to the thudding in her chest whenever she was near him that she could answer without hesitation now. ‘No. She’s not letting anyone near her head, let alone the offending ear.’ Maybe Nathan could charm the wee dot into letting him make her better.
‘It’s never easy with a toddler.’ Nathan swung open the curtain to the cubicle from which shrieks emanated. ‘Hello, Mrs Charles. I’m Nathan, a doctor.’ He crouched down to be face to face with the little girl. ‘Hey, Lucy. What’s that on your shirt?’ He pointed to the rabbit.
Lucy stared at him, hiccupping through her tears.
‘Is it a cat?’
A headshake.
‘Is it a horse?’
Another shake.
Nathan put his finger to his lips. ‘I don’t know, then. You’ll have to tell me.’
‘Wabbit.’
‘So it is. Have you named it?’
‘Wobby.’
‘Can I look at his ear? It’s so big.’
Lucy stared at him, then looked at her mother.
‘Go on, show the doctor Robby’s ear.’
Without touching her T-shirt, Nathan pointed to the rabbit’s ear. ‘Look, there’s something stuck in there. I’m going to have to pull it out.’ Clenching his hand tight, still without touching the shirt, he made a pulling motion and then looked into his palm. ‘Yes, I’ve got it. Wobby didn’t feel a thing. Now can I see your ear?’
Lucy shook her head.
‘Not easily tricked, are you, little one?’ To Lucy’s mother, he said, ‘I’m going to give her something to quieten her down enough so I can remove the obstruction. She’ll be sleepy for an hour or two afterwards but there won’t be any side effects.’ Then he said to Molly, ‘Can you get the drugs? I don’t want to leave Lucy while she’s comfortable with me.’
‘Sure.’ Nathan was so good with kids. Her heart skittered. She knew that. It was why she’d walked away from him, but it wasn’t getting any easier to accept. Seeing him every day in the department, she was constantly questioning her ability to carry on working here. But she had to. She’d vowed not to weaken, to be that strong woman Nathan believed she was.
Once Lucy accepted the syrup she began to calm down almost immediately and the button was soon removed, then she was on her way home with her mother, and Molly went looking for someone else to help.
‘Molly, ready for a break?’ Vicki appeared around a corner.
‘Is it time already?’ She had no appetite for the soup she’d brought from the local deli but she’d go through the motions. Changing direction, she headed for her locker.
‘Sure is. You were miles away. Or maybe only three cubicles down, where a certain doctor is about to examine an abscess.’
