Girl in an Empty Cage
Page 16
Chapter 13 - Return to London
Anne found the return flight to London to be like a poignant time warp. She was leaving a place of heat, humidity and relentless anxiety, the watching of her best friend’s life as it disintegrated, the trying not to get drawn into another relationship, the anxiety about keeping her job and how to deal with her increasing pile of undone work in London. Now she was leaving all that behind, returning to her home, her flat, her network of friends, her family, and the ability to rescue her job and create order in all that undone work.
She should be feeling relief and excitement at her return. Instead she felt strangely let down and empty, as if she had now moved her centre of existence to the other side of the world; so that London had become the unreal artefact and the Darwin hotel room was permanency.
It was not that she was not looking forward to seeing her family and friends again, or having her own things in her own place, or even creating order from the chaos she knew would await her at work. She was, and yet. And yet it was as if the centre of gravity in her world had shifted to a previously unknown and unimagined place.
It was not just David and Susan and their lives there, though that was definitely part of it. It was that a part of her, a part that she did not know existed before, had been captured by the spirit of the place. It was about identification. She, the quintessentially English girl now felt that part of her soul lived across the sea in that other strange harsh land. It was a far less pleasant place to live in than her home, but it was there, and it was in her now, a sort of ambush and capture.
However she must park this nostalgia for now and knuckle down to do all the things that her life in London demanded of her. She had made a promise to ring David at least once each week and she suspected it may be even more often.
It was midday Sunday before she cleared the airport, then came back to her flat for a couple hours of recreating order before dinner with her family out in Reading. They were not quite neighbours to Susan’s family, but near enough; that was where the friendship at school had begun. She did not stay late after dinner but headed back to town, knowing she must be up early for work in the morning. Her jet lag was not too bad thanks to the business class seat that David had bought her.
A week flew by; it was so full on that she barely knew where the time went. The second week she started to catch up with social friends, all of them anxious for news, both of her and Susan. It was hard to tell them much but she soon realised that their interest and understanding were superficial; they were busy with their own lives here.
She and David had taken to calling each other in alternate turns, mostly every second or third day. It was wonderful to hear his voice and she always felt like she was walking on air after she put down the phone; they both had plenty and nothing in particular to talk about, but what both most wanted was to hear the other’s voice.
While neither quite said it, since Sydney they had transitioned into something more than friends. One day, in the second week after she was back, she had expected him to call and he did not. She slept fitfully that night and finally next morning, early, she rang, knowing it was evening now in Australia. He picked up immediately and she asked if he was okay; she could feel something in his voice that said otherwise.
He told her about his visit to see Susan the previous day, and how she had broken off the engagement. He told her the full story, including Susan forcing his agreement, that it be a joint decision to end it. He said, “It is funny, I have known since before Christmas it was inevitable, I even told my Mum that and she agreed. And yet, when she said it and made me agree, I felt so gutted.
“It was as if I was finally forced to confront what I should have always known, that despite my dream of perfection with her, it would never be, perhaps could never have been. It is like we are souls who at one level were pulled together, but at another level were never quite fashioned to fit together. That does not mean that I did not love her, a part of me will always be a bit captured by something in her, but yet I have had to face the fact that it could never be and it was somehow bad for us both to try and make it so.
“So today I can look at it with something approaching equanimity, but yesterday it was far too raw even to say it to you. I needed time to grieve alone; today I can talk of it.”
Anne replied, “When I saw her that week in Darwin Susan told me something similar. She said that deep inside she knew from the outset that it was not meant to work, but yet there was a pull of attraction that drew you together, at least for a time. With her, too, she said it seemed like an idea of perfection, but it was a dream of perfection that was not real. But it still hurt a lot to break it for her too.
“So I am glad you have both reached a similar place. She is still my best friend. I hope you and she can stay friends too.”
David said, “Of course, we will always be more than best friends; far too much has passed between us to ever be less. But now I can see clearly that the other is over and we can both move on with separate lives. That is a good thing for us both.
“Speaking of which, how soon can you come back out to Australia, I can’t wait to see you again.”
She replied, “David I am not yet back in London for a fortnight, I have almost caught up on my work by working until ten most nights. I have just broached the need to be back in Australia in just over a month for Susan’s trial, and my work has reluctantly agreed to give me a fortnight for that. So that is the best I can do. But, like you, I find myself impatient even though that fortnight is hardly likely to be a bundle of joy.”
He said, “OK, tell me your dates, I will book your flights and be there to meet you as you step off the plane.”