by Kelly, A. S.
Coach Madigan slumps defeatedly onto an armchair, his gaze tired and worried; I know that the only thing that can worry the coach is his daughter.
“I don’t like that doctor.”
“Surgeon…” Ryan corrects him.
“Whatever. He’s not right for her.”
“And Nick would be better?” Jamie exclaims in shock.
“Whose fucking side are you on?” Ian shoots at him.
“It was just an observation.”
“Then don’t observe anything.”
“Don’t flatter yourself, O’Connor. None of you in this room – not even you, champion – would ever be worthy of my daughter.”
“I agree,” I say suddenly. “No one would ever be enough for Casey.”
Coach Madigan looks at me for a few moments, then sighs; the weight of the years spreads across his face.
“That’s why I let you in,” he says, addressing everyone but fixing his gaze on me. “Because, as much as you’re a dickhead, you know that you’re not enough. And the fact that you can admit that makes me think that, maybe, in the end, you’re the lesser of all the evils.”
Wow. I definitely never expected that from the coach.
“And besides,” he continues, picking at the label on his beer bottle. “When you were around, she was…happy.”
I think he’d have hurt me less if he’d shot me square in the chest.
“And I just want her to go back to being happy.”
31
Casey
Luke pulls up at the side of the road, without going into the driveway. He switches off the engine and turns to me.
“Are you tired?”
“What do you mean?”
“You seem distant tonight.”
“No, I’m not.”
“I’m sorry about yesterday. I don’t know what happened. Someone must’ve been playing a trick on me.”
Someone.
“It doesn’t matter. We made up for it, right?”
He smiles. “I know we haven’t seen each other much, and maybe things are going a little slower than you’d like, but I like you, Casey.”
“O-Okay,” I say, panic-stricken.
“I just want to make sure that’s clear.”
“Extremely clear.”
“Actually,” he says, taking my hand. “I like you a lot. And I want to prove it to you.”
Oh, fuck. Tonight? Really?
“Maybe I could come upstairs?”
“U-upstairs?”
“We’re outside your house.”
“I’d love to, but I have work tomorrow, and I’m tired. Really tired. Another time, okay? Thanks for tonight.”
I open the door and jump out of the car, walking quickly up the driveway without looking back. I can’t face this conversation. Not tonight; not after seeing Nick, after he kissed me like that, stripping me of my ability to kiss anyone else ever again.
I head towards the door to my apartment and dig around in my bag for the keys.
“Casey,” Luke says, catching up with me and stopping just behind me.
Really? Now he decides to push it?
I turn slowly, meeting his gaze. He approaches me, taking my chin in his fingers and lightly pressing his lips against mine. He closes his eyes, but mine are startled, open in shock.
He kisses me slowly, respectfully, and inside me I feel a nausea creep up my throat. I feel anger, a deep, painful hatred; because I’m kissing Luke, but I’m thinking of someone else. Because he came back to ruin my life. Because I can’t get him out of my head. And because I wish he was the one I was kissing.
I pull away brusquely and Luke’s eyes snap open.
“What’s wrong, Casey?” he asks, almost angry now.
“I…I don’t know.”
He takes a few steps back.
“I’m sorry.”
Luke nods, deep in thought. “There’s someone else.”
“What? No!” I respond, overly enthusiastic.
He smiles tightly and shakes his head. “I might be busy, but I’m not stupid. And I definitely don’t want to be second-best. Do you get what I mean?”
I nod, embarrassed.
“Goodnight, Casey,” he says, before turning his back to me and walking to his car. He turns on the ignition and drives off, leaving me alone in front of my own door, slamming my head against the wood to try and knock some sense into myself.
A rustling in the bushes next to me makes me jump out of my skin and delve into my bag for the pepper spray Dad bought me; but a pair of eyes as blue as a summer sky greet me in the moonlight.
“Nick.”
His name escapes my lips quietly, as if my body were giving in to some sort of virus. First my muscles, my nerves, my bones. Then my blood, carrying the infection to every corner of my being. My organs fail: kidneys, liver, lungs. And, last to go is my heart.
It’s a flame, licking at my body, but stopping before it reaches my mind. For now, it’s still intact, but soon it’ll join the rest; it’s lost the strength to fight alone.
There’s no vaccine. There’s no cure.
And I’m not immune.
Sometimes, you just have to accept what’s happening to you, and hope that it hurts as little as possible.
There’s no way of surviving Nick O’Connor.
He always wins.
He approaches me, his hands in his pockets. His guilty expression tells me that he’s been spying on me.
“What were you doing in the hedge?”
“I just wanted to make sure you got home safely.”
“How did you know I…? Actually, no. Don’t tell me.”
Nick shrugs.
“What are you trying to do?”
“He kissed you,” he says, ignoring my question. “He kissed you, Casey.”
“He…I…”
He steps dangerously close to me. “You let him kiss you.”
“I didn’t let him do anything, Nick. He’s the guy I’m going out with, he has every right to kiss me. Unlike you.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure about that.”
“Jesus, Nick! You’re…impossible!”
“Impossible to forget?”
“Impossible not to wrap my hands around your neck!” I lift my hands, to show him what they’re capable of, but Nick grabs my wrists and pulls me towards him.
“Do you know what’s really impossible?”
I shake my head.
“It’s impossible not to imagine how good you’d look in my bed, with me on top of you.”
A shiver runs along my spine.
“Don’t you ever think about it?”
“Absolutely not,” I say, but the shakiness of my voice betrays me.
Nick slowly loosens his grip on my wrists, and I lower my arms. He steps away, but I still can’t breathe: his heat is suffocating, sitting heavily on my chest.
He’s running through my veins. I can feel it.
I’ve already been contaminated, and there’s no way of saving myself.
“Oh, Casey,” he says, smiling. “I never give up. You should know that by now.”
“Of course. You’re a guy who doesn’t like to lose. Someone who’ll do anything to make sure his team wins; even if that means making a few fouls, bending the rules. You’re capable of anything, Nick O’Connor.”
“When it comes to you, I’d do anything.”
“Even send the other team off the pitch?”
“Are you talking about that surgeon? He’s already sent himself off, by kissing you and making you think of me.”
“You’re such a bastard, Nick.”
His smile lights up his face. It’s a victory smile, of someone who’s run the entire length of the pitch just to cheer with the crowd. Someone lifting the trophy with both hands. And that’s what I am to him: a trophy.
Nick’s playing his match, and I’m the winning prize. A prize he’ll get bored of as soon as the next challenge comes along.
“I’m not just going to be som
ething to keep you occupied for a while; something for you to win.”
“Fuck, Casey. How have you still not realised yet?”
He steps towards me again, forcing me back against the door. He places his hands either side of my head and leans into my lips. He doesn’t brush against them with his, but tickles me with his breath.
“I’m only playing for you.”
His eyes dig deep into mine, searching for himself. Because he knows that he’s there, inside me, hiding under layers of anger, bitterness and nostalgia. But he’s still in there; and now, he’s desperately seeking out what he left behind.
Unfortunately, I know that he’ll find every single crumb of us.
“And I’m going to keep playing, until you realise that the only thing I want is you.”
He turns away, vanishing back into the bushes. I let myself sink slowly onto the bottom step.
I’ve lost. I was playing the whole time, knowing I could never win.
Some people never truly leave you. The miles, the countries, the continents mean nothing. Neither does your silence, their absence: the pain they’ve caused you.
Some people simply stay; and I always knew that Nick O’Connor would be one of those people. Just as I knew that, for all these years, all I did was sit around and wait for him to come back.
32
Nick
Ian and Ryan are attempting to get the barbecue going out in my parents’ garden, as I make the most of some time alone with the love of my life, who is lying on my chest as I lean back into the sunbed. I breathe slowly, trying not to wake her, as my heart fills with her scent, watching my family get ready for Evan’s end-of-exams party. He’ll get the results to the admission test pretty soon, so everyone is trying to lift his spirits. His dad has also come along to join in the festivities, much to my brother’s delight; he’ll set his own hand on fire if he keeps glancing over at Martin – who is sitting contentedly on our patio, next to Chris – instead of keeping an eye on the barbecue. Evan, on the other hand, is in a terrible mood. If you ask me, it would’ve been better to celebrate after he found out his results, but everyone wanted to cheer him up, show him how much they believe in him, all of that shit. And when Mum gets these ideas, no one is brave enough to go against her: especially not me, given that I’m the most current victim of her watchful eye. It’s best not to give her any more suggestions about how to “get Nick’s life back on track”.
“Hey.” Riley approaches us, perching on the end of my sunbed. I budge up a little to give her more room.
“She’s asleep,” I say, nodding down at Jamie.
“Of course she is. She’s with her Uncle Nick: she feels safe.”
“With me? Seriously?”
Riley smiles at me. “She couldn’t be in better hands.”
“Have you been drinking? Has someone slipped you a beer – or maybe a rum and coke? Or did you steal some of Chris’ wine? Let me see,” I say, pretending to scrutinise her hands, as she laughs. “Nope, still got all your fingers. So I’d say you didn’t even try.”
Riley laughs again, as if I were the clown at this bloody party, which is kind of true. But it’s not like I try to make people laugh – this kind of crap just falls out of my mouth. I think it’s genetic. The genes didn’t quite make it to Ryan, though: his jokes are shit.
“Can I lie down next to you for a bit?”
“Of course, madame. Make yourself comfortable.”
Riley stretches out at my side along the sunbed, leaning her head against my shoulder.
“You’re really comfy.”
“Is that a compliment?”
“Obviously. One day, Nick, you’re going to make some woman very happy.”
I laugh at her joke, even though, inside, my stomach is rebelling. “Do you really think so?”
“Absolutely.”
I sigh, leaning my head onto Riley’s.
“You’ll make her very happy. You just have to believe it. And don’t give up.”
I knew it. Not even Riley is safe from this family. “You spoke to Ian.”
“Chris.”
“Oh, of course. I would never expect Ryan to keep anything quiet. And you two women are always gossiping.”
“Only if we have to.”
“And my life is your hot topic right now?”
“Your life has been the only topic lately.”
“Wow, I’m flattered.”
“You should be. Everyone loves you, Nick. We just want you to be happy.”
“Come here, love, everyone’s out in the garden.”
Mum’s voice makes me and Riley sit up, spinning our heads around.
“I don’t believe it. She didn’t.”
“I had no idea, I promise.”
“Don’t worry, Riley, I believe you. No one’s as sneaky as my mum.”
I get to my feet, keeping Jamie pressed against my chest, without taking my eyes away from Mum and Casey, who are standing on the patio. Casey seems a little lost – I’m sure this has all just been sprung onto her – as Mum swans around, perfectly at ease with her master plan: Sort out all my children’s lives and get them out from under our feet.
Casey says hi to Chris and Martin, stopping to chat with them for a while. Today, she’s wearing a grey vest top with the words Eat your vegetables, bitch emblazoned across the chest; I can’t help but burst out laughing, making little Jamie jump in my arms. And as I feel something inside me swell up, pushing away everything else, I realise that the thought of Casey’s T-shirt that day is my first thought every morning.
I slowly approach them. “Hey,” I say from behind.
Casey whips around, suddenly. Her gaze flickers from me, to Jamie, and then back to me. Her eyes fill up instantly with everything I’d ever want to see, and feel…and have. Her eyes promise me something I’d never thought of, but that, now, I desperately want – and only with her. And I swear I’ll find a way to give us everything we deserve together.
In her eyes, I can see hope; future. My life, taking on a whole new meaning, intertwined with hers.
In her eyes, I see the two of us – and I already know that this beautiful, terrifying image is imprinted onto her heart, projecting onto my own.
“Thank you, little Jamie,” I whisper to my niece. “I knew you’d save my arse one day. Now let’s see if we can worm our way into Aunt Casey’s heart – it might take a little while, but I know that I can do it, with your help.”
“What was that?” Casey asks, raising an eyebrow.
“I was talking to my niece. We have a secret language, you know.”
“Is it a secret language for people under the age of five?” she asks, back to taking the piss out of me.
“We have a special bond. It’s almost telepathic.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Of course. Since the first moment I laid eyes on her.”
“Did you work some of your charm and watch her fall to your feet?”
“Something like that.”
“Nothing changes,” she comments.
“Well, apparently my charm doesn’t work on everyone.”
Casey takes a few steps away from Chris and Martin, who’s pretending – badly – not to be listening to our conversation. She reaches one hand out towards Jamie, stroking her delicately; her lips part, as if she needed a way to pull more air into her lungs just to handle her thoughts, to calm the storm circling her heart.
Go on, Casey: take my air, too. You can take anything you want, as long as you start to accept what’s happening here.
“Maybe some women find it hard to trust. Especially where you’re concerned.”
“Maybe I could try to prove to you that I’m not who you think I am.”
“Maybe you should try that, and see what happens,” she says, lowering her voice.
Thank you, God. Despite all my blasphemy, you still remember me.
“Welcome back.”
“What?”
“Welcome home, Casey,” I tell her, my heart pu
mping furiously in my chest.
She looks at me for a few seconds. Then, her eyes start to smile, and the corners of her mouth begin to lift: and it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
It’s a sign of surrender.
“Welcome back home, Nick,” she says – and I feel as if I’m one step away from falling to the ground and kissing the grass, like a celebration of victory.
33
Casey
Mr O’Connor comes over and sits himself down on the sunbed next to mine.
“Are you having a good time, dear?”
“Yes, thank you.”
“I love days like this. The whole family together again, the sun, the laughter; it feels like I have everything I could ever wish for.”
“I can imagine.”
“I always treasure days like this – as you know, they could disappear at any moment for me.”
I reach over to him and squeeze his hand. He places his other hand on top of mine and smiles affectionately.
“You didn’t invite me here for a physio session, did you?”
“No, love. You’re here for something else.”
“How did I guess?”
“Look,” he says, gesturing out towards the scene unfolding in the garden.
Ian and Riley are lying on the grass, playing with little Jamie. Chris, Ryan, Martin and Evan are a few metres away from them; Martin and Ryan are deep in a heated discussion, making Chris and Evan laugh. Nick is standing next to the barbecue with his mother, trying to uninterruptedly grill burgers and sausages – but she won’t stop interfering. He pretends to lose his patience with her, but in the end, I know he’s just happy to have her there.
I’m stretched out on the lawn, too, my bare feet tickled by the grass. My face is tilted back towards the sun, making the most of this unexpectedly gorgeous day.
“You have a wonderful family, James. You must be so proud.”
“I am, Casey. And now, I’m really happy.” His gaze falls onto me. “Now, our family is complete,” he smiles, gesturing behind me.
I turn again, to see Nick approaching us.
“Hot dog or burger?” he asks.
