NICK: O’Connor Brothers #3

by Kelly, A. S.

“That the two of you slept together. I know that for sure.”

  “Wow, good guess.”

  “And that, maybe, it wasn’t what you expected.”

  I turn sharply towards him.

  “So I’m right, then.”

  “Let’s see how right you are once I dump you head-first in those bins over there.”

  “Getting pissed off at my intelligence isn’t going to help you.”

  I shake my head, frustrated.

  “It was more; much more. And now you don’t think you can handle the rest.”

  “I can handle anything.”

  “Not unless you bring it out into the open, mate.”

  Does that bastard always have to be right?

  “You don’t have to tell me anything. But if something’s bothering you, or stopping you from moving forward, then you have to tell her: before it’s too late.”

  “You make it sound so easy.”

  “It isn’t. But none of the best things in life are easy. That’s why they’re so important to us: because it takes so much strength to grab hold of them in the first place.”

  “I’m trying to take control of this whole thing; to pick up exactly where we left off. But I can’t burden us again, Jamie.”

  “You don’t have to try and recreate the past – you could end up staying exactly where you are, never moving forwards. You have to stop looking over your shoulder; what happened, happened. Now you only have to focus on the future. And you know what’s good about the future? You can try to build something new, learning from the mistakes you made in the past. Give her everything you are now, and make her realise that you’ll stick around tomorrow, too.”

  “Do you reckon that’ll be enough for her?”

  “I don’t know; but if it isn’t enough for her, then she’s not the one, mate.”

  “Mmm…”

  “This time, you actually do want her. This isn’t just another one of your stupid games.”

  “So you spoke to my brothers.”

  Jamie smiles. “Just let go of what you were, and what you did. Stop hiding behind that cocky, smartarse front you put up; behind your muscles and your jokes. Stop hiding yourself away, mate – because the people who really love us understand that we’re not really like that. They work it out. You can’t spend your whole life trying to trick people. If you want them to love you, to stick around, then you just have to be you – even if you’re not sure that it’s enough. Because, one day, they might wake up and realise that the person lying next to them is a stranger; then they’ll be gone. People want to love people, not the masks they hide behind, or the tricks they play. If you want her to love you, you have to let her love Nick – not just the Nick you pretend to be.”

  Holy shit. I think I’m starting to hate him. How the hell does he always get into your head, dig through all the shit, and come out with gold?

  “How can you say I’m pretending? You’ve known me forever. I’ve always been like this.”

  “You just answered your own question, Nick. I’ve known you forever.”

  I smile, despite myself.

  “And I always see something a little too familiar in you.”

  I watch him as he gets to his feet, slipping seamlessly back into the normal Jamie.

  “Come on. They’re about to pass out on the grass over there.” He skips off down the steps.

  I stand up, too, turning his words around in my mind, starting to realise that he’s right. It’s useless trying to remind her of what we were, only ever showing her the Nick that everyone else sees. She has to see me: who I really am, everything I can give to her.

  I don’t need to keep looking back.

  It’s time to move forwards.

  41

  Casey

  After the first few patients of the day, I make a beeline for the coffee machine. I insert my key card, press ‘cappuccino’, and lean against the wall as it pours, waiting. I rub my eyes, hoping that this irritating headache will disappear soon; otherwise I’ll never make it to the end of my shift.

  “Good morning, my dear.”

  Martin’s voice hammers through my already-aching skull.

  “Martin,” I say by way of greeting, taking my cup of coffee and trying to escape.

  “Wait a second. What’s your hurry?”

  “I only have ten minutes for my break and I want to enjoy it.”

  “Did you not get enough enjoyment last night?”

  “What?” I cry, panicked.

  Martin points towards my neck, which I touch, instinctively.

  “Fell for it, Casey. You’re so obvious.”

  “Fuck off, Martin!”

  He laughs, grabbing his coffee and stepping closer to me.

  “It’s written all over your face: you had sex last night. And it’s not just from the bags under your eyes and the knackered look in your eyes. They’re twinkling. And, I have to say, it really suits you.”

  I shake my head, irritated.

  “Ten minutes won’t be long enough for the detailed version, but I’m sure it’s enough for you to give me a brief summary.”

  “I don’t have to tell you anything.”

  “Sure about that? Surely you need to get it off your chest, let it all out…”

  “I got quite enough off my chest last night, thanks.”

  “I knew it!” Martin throws his arm around my shoulders, forcing me to walk next to him. “Come on. We only have nine minutes left, and I want to hear every little detail.”

  * * *

  I sit down on the metal stairs of the fire escape, sipping at my cappuccino. Martin stays standing in front of me, waiting for me to start speaking – but I ignore him, pretending not to have noticed him staring at me, his desperation to know everything about everyone else’s lives.

  “Well?” he says finally, his patience vanishing as he glances at his watch. “We’ve wasted another minute!”

  “I have nothing to tell you.”

  “Casey, don’t make me call around and ask which family members already know the whole story.”

  “Are you threatening me?”

  “You need it, or you’ll never tell me.”

  “What do you want to know?” I ask, buying myself some more time, just to see him squirm.

  “Casey!”

  “Okay, calm down. You need a life, Martin – and soon. Otherwise, you’ll just keep getting involved in everyone else’s business, living through everyone else’s emotions.”

  “Emotions…” he says, sitting himself down next to me. “Are we talking about emotion here? Or excitement…?”

  “Both,” I say quietly.

  “Well, your expression’s telling me that quite a lot has happened in the past few hours.”

  “Maybe something did happen…”

  “Did you fuck?”

  “Martin…”

  He scoffs. “Sorry: did you sleep together?”

  I shrug, turning my attention to my coffee.

  “Oh, Jesus, Casey! Speak, for fuck’s sake!”

  I laugh. “We slept together. Okay? Satisfied?”

  “Of course not! Where? When? How was it? How many times…?”

  “On the beach…and in his car.”

  “Oh my God,” he says, pretending to wipe sweat from his forehead. “Like two horny teenagers!”

  “Not exactly… It was a spur-of-the-moment thing.”

  “Let’s skip all the boring stuff, we only have six minutes left. Please, just tell me it’s as big as I’m imagining.”

  I laugh – it’s impossible to be annoyed with him. “I wouldn’t know: I have no idea how big it is in your head.”

  “Not just in my head!”

  “Can you contain yourself, please? We’re talking about Nick, here.”

  “Oh, right – now that he’s your boyfriend I couldn’t possibly appreciate him. Or fantasize about him…”

  “He’s not my boyfriend,” I say, hesitantly.

  “No? Then what was it? A quick fuck, with n
o strings attached? Thanks, bye, see you later?”

  “Not even.”

  “Oh, fuck. Has he already dumped you?”

  “No!” I straighten my back. “It’s all still pretty confusing.”

  “Didn’t you talk about it?”

  “We didn’t have much time to talk.”

  “I can imagine,” he says, suggestively.

  “He just told me that he wanted to do it again.”

  “So he’s not as big an idiot as I thought. Do you want to do it again?”

  I don’t respond. I think my expression probably says it all.

  “Of course you want to.”

  “I just don’t want to ask myself what’ll happen next time. Or how many ‘next times’ there’ll be, you know?”

  “You want to keep your feet on the ground.”

  “Exactly.”

  “Are you scared of getting hurt?”

  I sigh. “I don’t want to expect him to stay, then wake up one morning and realise that he’s jumped on a flight to the other side of the world. I just want to enjoy now.”

  “Okay, I’ll give you that. That seems mature and rational. But, please, don’t hide yourself behind your logic. You have to live, Casey: you have to enjoy everything that comes your way, with no regrets. No fear.”

  “That’s what I’m planning to do.”

  Martin looks at his watch again. “We only have one minute left. Please, just tell me if those photos are real.”

  I laugh, getting to my feet. “They don’t do him justice. It’s bigger in real life.”

  I leave Martin to his fantasies and go back to work, torn between excitement and fear; but I’m certain that I don’t want to go back, or give this up.

  I’ll play to the end. Then I’ll pick up the pieces of what’s left.

  42

  Nick

  “Why are you just standing at the window like that?” Mum asks, appearing behind me.

  “You know, just checking the weather…”

  “The weather?”

  I tear myself away and sit on the sofa.

  “Nick O’Connor.”

  “What?”

  “You haven’t messed everything up again, have you?”

  “Me? What?”

  “Please, don’t even try it. I’m your mother: I know everything.”

  “You’re my mother and you’re nosey. Besides, I’m sure that Ian, Ryan, Evan and the rest of them will have kept you up-to-date.”

  “Up-to-date with what?” she asks, falsely innocent.

  So that’s where Ryan gets it from.

  The doorbell saves me from interrogation.

  “Can you get that?” she asks, one eyebrow raised.

  “Sure.”

  I get up and head into the hallway; I take a deep breath, trying to keep down everything that’s about to explode inside me, and I slap on one of my best smiles.

  I open the door, and her eyes dive straight into my soul.

  “Nick,” she says, rearranging her bag over her shoulder.

  “Casey.” I try not to stutter. After last night, I can’t show her how much I feel like I’m drowning.

  “Can I come in, then?”

  “Of course,” I say, stepping aside for her to pass.

  Casey walks into the hallway as I close the door behind her. Why does she have to be so calm, so cool, while I’m standing here, panicking like an idiot?

  “Where’s your dad?” she asks, spinning around.

  “He’s in the living room,” I say, almost gasping.

  “I’ll just go through and see him, then…”

  Like fuck, you will.

  I grab her arm and push her against the wall in the hallway. Then I take her face between my hands and I press my mouth against hers. I feel her smile against my lips – but I won’t let her take this lightly. I slide my tongue into her mouth, stopping her from breathing, keeping her face pressed against mine. I hear her moan into me, trying to come up for air, to disentangle her hands from our bodies; but I push harder against her.

  Once I’m satisfied, I pull away from her, and look her right in the eyes. “Don’t ever pretend again.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Never pretend that nothing happened between us. I don’t care if we’re in my parents’ house, or if my family take the piss out of me for this. I don’t care if my brothers do everything in their power to make me look like a total dick.”

  “I don’t think they will…”

  “Maybe you’ve forgotten what happened between us, the things we said. Do you need a reminder?”

  “Apparently I don’t remember everything.”

  “Casey…stop playing games.”

  “Why? I like seeing you struggle.”

  “You could end up in trouble if you don’t stop.”

  “You’d never do anything. Not in your parents’ house.”

  She tries to wriggle out of my grasp, but I trap her between the wall and my body. “Do you want me to prove it right now?”

  “Please, Jesus. Not when I’m standing right here!”

  Oh God. Why, why, why?

  I turn suddenly to face him. “Where the fuck have you come from?”

  “The front door. You’d have realised sooner if you weren’t so busy marking your territory. Are you scared she’s going to escape?”

  “Do you want to fuck off now?”

  “Not until you fuck off first.”

  Casey takes advantage of our pleasant discussion to slip away.

  “Casey,” Ryan steps towards her. “I was just thinking that we should have a little chat.”

  “Why?” Casey responds, amused.

  “In case you decide you’ve had enough of him, or you want to make a quick escape. Or if you need any help, you know, getting your car started.”

  “Ryan,” I warn him, my teeth gritted.

  “I’d be happy to help you get away.”

  “I’m close to ripping your balls off. And I don’t think your other half would be too happy about it.”

  “Just say the word. A code word, you know. Like…holy shit.”

  Casey bursts into laughter, and I’m overcome by a sudden desperation to grab Dad’s chainsaw and aim straight for Ryan’s crotch. That way, he’ll lose his balls and be terrorised for weeks.

  “That would never work.” Chris appears from nowhere.

  “Why not?”

  “Because you say holy shit every other word, Ryan.”

  Ryan thinks about this for a few moments. “True.”

  “As for you, Nick,” she says, turning her attention to me. “Don’t even think about it. He needs those balls: got it?”

  “Nick’s always had a problem with balls.”

  Oh, fantastic. Evan’s turned up, too. The whole family’s here, for absolutely no reason. No, wait, there is a reason: to take the piss out of me.

  “I think it’s subconscious for him,” Evan continues. “It’s almost like it could give him an inferiority complex if he knows there are too many balls around.”

  “Jesus Christ! Don’t you all have a house?”

  “Don’t you?” Ryan shoots back.

  “Don’t you have a life?”

  “Don’t you have somewhere to stick your—”

  “What’s going on out here?” Dad appears at the doorway. “Why are you all out there in the hallway?”

  “We’re just having a little chat.”

  “Ryan. I won’t tolerate any piss-taking in this house.”

  “No?” I ask, irritated.

  “Not when they’re aimed at me.”

  I shake my head, exasperated.

  “You can clear out the garage, for that attitude.”

  “Fuck, please Dad! Not the garage!”

  “Then go and do something useful somewhere else. As for you, Nick,” he says, turning to me. “Please try not to harass my physiotherapist.”

  “What, me?”

  Casey bursts out laughing.

  “Come on. I feel
good today.”

  “I’m glad to hear it,” Casey tells him, taking his arm and accompanying him through to the living room.

  “Nick,” Ryan’s grating voice almost gives me a heart attack. “Dad needs these sessions. If you have to ruin everything, could you at least wait until he’s feeling better? I don’t think we’ll find anyone else like her.”

  I’m close to throwing my fist into his face and ruining that stupid fucking face of his; but, firstly, Chris would throw her fist into my face. And secondly, this time, I think Ryan may be right – and I’m not just talking about the therapy.

  I don’t think there’s anyone on this planet – no, in this galaxy – like Casey. The problem is that there are loads of Nicks – thousands of them, each a bigger arsehole than the next. It wouldn’t even take her two minutes to find another one.

  * * *

  She opens the front door, and I tear my gaze away from the hood of her car.

  “Were you waiting for me?” she asks, laughing.

  “Who else?”

  She slowly approaches me, keys in hand. “I have to go. Dad’s cooking dinner for us and our neighbour. It’s a big occasion.”

  “I can’t imagine your dad dating.”

  “To be honest, she does most of the dating. Sometimes men just have no idea what to do with their hands.”

  “I know where I’d like to put my hands, now,” I tell her, sliding my fingers through the belt loops of her jeans and pulling her against me. She puts her hands on my chest and looks up at me.

  “I think I know where I’d like to put mine, too.”

  “Fuck, Casey. Don’t do this to me.”

  “Or what?”

  “Well, your car’s right here.”

  “You really liked seeing me on top of you, didn’t you?” she says, teasingly.

  “I like most things – as long as you’re involved, and I’m inside you.”

  I tuck a loose strand of hair behind her ear. “I’ll come and pick you up tomorrow at seven.”

  “What are you planning, O’Connor?”

  “I’m not fucking telling you! You’ll have to wait and see.”

  43

  Casey