NICK: O’Connor Brothers #3

by Kelly, A. S.

  I laugh, satisfied.

  “This really is your pièce de résistance, O’Connor.”

  “I thought I’d already showed it to you.”

  “This is way better,” she says, leaning her head back against the side of the bath.

  “Should I be offended?”

  She isn’t listening to me. She lets the bubbles carry her away, as I grab the glass of wine she left on the side and hand it to her.

  “Is there anything you can’t do?” She takes a few sips of wine, then places it back. “I could live in here.”

  “Come here,” I tell her, taking her hand.

  “I’m fine where I am.”

  “I want to give you a massage. Come on.”

  “I’ll come if you tell me something first.”

  “I’m listening…”

  “What was stage four of your plan?”

  I sigh heavily. “Why do you want to know?”

  “I don’t know. I just feel like it’s the most important stage.”

  I lift myself up and move over to her, grabbing her waist and sitting her on top of me. “Actually, it is.”

  She looks at me with her deep eyes, and my tongue starts to melt.

  “Make you fall in love with me.”

  Casey pulls away suddenly, shocked by my honesty – or maybe shocked by the idea that she ever could be in love with me. She sighs: a sigh that sucks away in all the air in the room, taking my heart along with it.

  One single sigh that makes me realise I’m hers.

  “You can actually get rid of that stage.” She smiles at me, embarrassed. “But there is one little change we’d have to make to it.”

  I blink inanely, but I can’t speak. I can’t breathe, either – maybe I’m not even here, holding her in my arms, in my huge bathtub. Maybe I’m still wasting time, wandering around like a useless, brainless dick. Maybe I’ve still been left behind.

  “You couldn’t make me fall in love with you again, because…because I always have been. And I never stopped. Not even when you left.”

  My heart is beating so loudly that I’m scared it could explode into a thousand pieces, disintegrating into dust.

  “And I’ve always been waiting for you to come back.”

  I weave my hand into her hair and pull her towards me. I breathe in her scent, crying and laughing into her lips. I kiss her: and my response is in that kiss. All my guilt, my hope and all my regret is in that kiss.

  All of me is in that kiss, knowing that I don’t deserve her love.

  All the love I want to give her is in that kiss.

  I pull away, leaning my forehead against hers.

  “How long until you’ve finished your plan?”

  “Do you think I give a fuck about any of the other stages?”

  She looks at me, one eyebrow raised.

  “I have everything I’ve ever wanted, Casey. I don’t need anything else.”

  She bites her lip, and I move in to bite it right after, projecting onto her all the words I can never say. Speaking would waste time, and right now, I just want to be inside her. I slide my hands over her arse, lift her up, and place her on top of me, slipping her gently on top of my dick.

  Mine. She has to be mine. Right now. And she has to know that I’m hers – that I always have been, and that nothing and no one could ever take that away from me.

  Casey wraps her arms around my neck and lets herself go, relaxing her legs and letting me push as deeply as I can. I want to feel her, to show her that, in all these years, I was always ready to come back to her.

  She grabs onto my shoulders, pushing herself up and down. Every time I lose myself inside her again, I take a step closer to paradise: my own paradise, that only she is capable of giving me. A paradise I don’t deserve, but one that I want with my whole being; because, deep down, I’m selfish, and I want her to love me. I want her to put me back together again, to straighten out everything that isn’t right in me.

  I want her to save me. I want her to help me live with myself.

  I lift her by the waist and push her gently away. Now, I want everything.

  I lean her back, so her head is resting against the side of the bath. I push her legs back and approach her, circling her pussy with my tongue and sucking it, bringing her with me. Casey moves, agitated, pressing her hands against the side of the tub and throwing her head back. I take her, again and again; I lick the length of her body, eating her. Torturing her.

  My hungry mouth can’t help but bite her, suck at her, filling myself with her and her taste.

  I consume her, until I can feel her trembling beneath me. But before she can reach climax, I pull away from her and pull her into me. I sit her on my dick again, filling her completely.

  And I keep going. Without a pause. Without a breath.

  I fill her with all my lies, all my bullshit, my guilt. I give her my torment, my pain, my anger.

  I give her everything I’ve been holding back. Everything I’ve kept hidden, all my darkest fears.

  I give her my past in exchange for her future.

  I give her everything, and I take everything, unaware of what I’m actually doing. She loves me. She loves my fears, my mistakes; she loves my absence and my return.

  I give her Nick O’Connor, my own personal hell, in exchange for just one corner of her paradise.

  I give her everything I am, everything I have. And I pray that I’m everything she wants.

  59

  Nick

  I knock at my parents’ front door, as Casey complains next to me.

  “I could’ve driven here.”

  “This again? Why?”

  “Because I always do.”

  “You’re not here for physio today. You’re here with me.” I wrap my arm around her shoulders, and I feel her start to relax. “So I wanted to come and pick you up.”

  “Like a couple?” She looks at me, her head tilted.

  “Something like that.”

  The door opens, and Evan is standing there. “Hey, guys!” He steps aside to let us in. Then turns to Casey and bursts out laughing at the sight of her T-shirt.

  “Did you really have to wear that top?” I ask, through my teeth.

  “Mate, come on. It’s perfect.”

  “Fuck you, Evan.”

  “Who’s fucking themselves?” Ryan appears from behind us. He glances at Casey’s top, then bursts out laughing, too.

  “Casey, I love you. You’ve just become my favourite person in this family. After Christine, obviously.”

  Casey laughs, satisfied, and follows them, as I lean against the wall, trying to let Ryan’s words slide off my back.

  “What are you doing out here?” Dad comes over to meet me, his step confident. At least the physio is working.

  “I’ve just got here.”

  He looks at me for a few seconds, then gives me an understanding smile – the kind of smile that snaps your heart in two.

  “It’ll be fine, Nick. You’ll be okay.”

  “Will she be okay?”

  My dad’s smile grows painful. “You’ll both be fine.”

  I really want to believe him, but right now, I can’t believe in anything. Especially not myself.

  “Hey! Why are you still out here?” Casey appears from the kitchen. “Everyone’s in the garden, come on.” She suddenly notices my dad. “Hi, James. You look great!”

  My dad looks at her, then reads the writing on her T-shirt, bursting into laughter just like the others. “Great choice,” he comments, before throwing his arm over her shoulders and guiding her into the kitchen.

  I’d need another five minutes to process the scene, but I can’t. It slips into my heart, clawing at me with its fingernails – but it can’t find anything to grip onto, and falls into the abyss, along with everything else that has ever tried to stay put.

  * * *

  Everyone’s out in the garden. Sundays are a ritual now in my family. Not everyone can be here every week; but today is special. Mum wa
nted to celebrate Evan’s results properly, so no one is missing. Including Dr Dickhead.

  I walk over to Casey, who’s sitting on a blanket on the grass with Riley and Jamie.

  “I want to steal her,” she says, obviously joking. “This baby is just a dream. She’s beautiful, she’s so soft. She smells so good. I love her.”

  She holds Jamie in her arms, looking down at her with dreamy eyes, full of longing and hope. She looks at her like a woman who wants something – something she’s been waiting for. Something she deserves.

  I attempt a smile, but I can’t quite enjoy the scene in front of me. All I can think about is the weight settling on my shoulders, trying to squash me. I close my eyes for a few seconds: when I open them, I see Riley’s eyes locked onto mine.

  Apparently, neither of my dickhead brothers can keep their mouths shut.

  I seem to be the only one who can keep a secret.

  Riley smiles at me, like only she knows how, with all the sweetness she’s capable of. I feel another piece of my heart break away, falling onto the grass.

  “Hey, Uncle Loser,” Evan says from behind me. “Let’s have a kickabout. What do you say?”

  I turn towards him; as soon as he sees my expression, his face falls, suddenly.

  “I just have to go into the garage and…look for something,” I say, improvising with the first bullshit that comes to mind.

  “Sure,” Casey responds without looking at me, still swept up by little Jamie.

  I burst into the house and shoot out the front door, heading straight for the garage. I lift the door and close myself inside, sinking into the darkness.

  Somebody knocks on the metal, and I pretend not to hear, not to be there. I pretend I’ve left, with no intention of turning back.

  “Nick, I know you’re in there.” Ryan’s voice floats in from outside.

  “Go away, Ryan. This has nothing to do with you,” I say, trying to pull myself to my feet.

  By way of response, the metal door slides up, revealing the silhouette of my brother.

  “What the fuck do you want? Don’t you have a family to take care of?”

  “You have no idea how much this is costing me. I haven’t set foot in the garage for at least ten years.”

  “You could carry on that trend, you know. No one asked you to be here.”

  “Nick.” Ian comes in, too, as Ryan stands at the threshold, uncertain. “Please, come back into the garden.”

  “I just need a few minutes.”

  “You need to speak, for fuck’s sake!” Ryan says, his patience disappearing.

  “Look who’s talking. Do you need me to remind you of all the shit you were swimming in up until a few months ago?”

  “And look where not speaking about it got me. Nick! We’re talking about Casey, for fuck’s sake! The one you threw your whole career away for! Do you need me to refresh your memory?”

  “No, I didn’t. I didn’t give up anything.”

  “You gave her up,” Ian says. “You gave up everything.”

  I slump down onto the bonnet of Dad’s car, my knees giving way. I know that these two are right about one thing: I did give up everything. But I did it for one reason, the most important reason of my life.

  I did it for her.

  And I’m ready to do it again.

  60

  Nick

  I finally head back into the garden, followed by my brothers.

  “Where did you get to?” Casey asks, biting into her burger.

  “We were just looking for something in the garage,” I respond evasively, avoiding her gaze.

  “Is everything okay? You seem weird.”

  “It’s nothing. Everything’s fine.”

  “You’re annoyed about my T-shirt, aren’t you?”

  I look at her and smile instinctively at the writing on her top. It reads: I’m with stupid, complete with an arrow that happens to be pointing to me. No T-shirt has ever been more spot-on.

  “I love your top,” I tell her, pulling her in close to me. “I love all your tops.”

  “Just my tops?”

  “And what’s underneath them.”

  Casey smiles.

  “Is there any food left for me, or have you eaten all the enamel off the plates, too?”

  “Your mum saved you some.”

  “Thank God!”

  “But if you don’t hurry up…”

  “Wow, someone’s hungry today.”

  “That’s your fault. You burned off too many of my calories last night.”

  “At least I’m keeping you in shape.”

  “I’m fine as I am. You should think about your arse cheeks, O’Connor, just in case you need them for something.”

  I know that she’s joking, but I can’t help but think about the hint of fear cowering behind her words.

  “Nick, would you mind holding Jamie for a minute?” Riley approaches us. “I have to run upstairs, and everyone else is too busy eating or drinking.”

  “Sure,” I say, taking Jamie from her arms and holding her tightly against my chest. “Come to your handsome uncle.” I rock her back and forward in my arms, completely under her spell. This little girl is capable of repairing anything: even a torn-up, battered old heart like mine.

  “You’re so in love with her,” Casey says, watching us.

  “It was love at first sight. For both of us, obviously.”

  “You look beautiful together,” Casey comments, her gaze full of kindness.

  I glance at her, watching her dreams start to take shape in front of her eyes, as mine paint the most painful, heart-breaking picture I could ever imagine.

  “You have such a wonderful family, Nick. You should be really proud.”

  “I am.”

  “One day, I’d love to have a family like this.”

  I know that she didn’t mean anything by it, that the words came straight from her heart: from an innate desire within her. I know that she didn’t say it because she was expecting anything from me.

  But I can’t bear the weight of her words.

  They’re so painful. So real, alive. It’s an all-consuming pain, that runs you down, rips you apart, one piece at a time.

  It’s an unbearable pain. A pain with no cure.

  A pain I’ve brought upon myself.

  A pain that she doesn’t deserve, and one that I have no right to inflict on her.

  * * *

  Once we’ve said goodbye to my family and climbed into the car, Casey immediately turns on the radio, kicks off her shoes and rests her feet up on the dashboard, humming along to the song floating out through the speakers.

  I drive wordlessly, without even breathing, knowing that we’re both heading for the end; for us, that’s the only outcome.

  I drive, heading for her house. When she realises where we’re going, she pulls her feet down and turns to look at me.

  “I’m tired,” I say. “And you have work tomorrow, right?”

  She doesn’t respond. She just stares at me.

  “It’s not like we have to spend every night together.”

  She stays silent, but I can hear her breathing deepen. Casey’s too smart. She’s not going to let my lies slide.

  “What’s really going on, Nick?”

  There’s already understanding in her voice.

  “Don’t start turning this into one of those arguments that you women love so much, okay? I’m just dropping you home. Then I can go back to mine.”

  There we go. I’m back.

  Nick, the arsehole.

  “You’re doing it again, aren’t you?”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “You’re leaving me behind.”

  Forgive me, Casey. Please, forgive me.

  “Why do you have to make this such a big deal? Just because you’re not getting laid for one night.”

  I can feel the flames of hell licking at my ankles. And this time, no one’s going to save me.

  Casey doesn�
�t respond, but I can feel the disappointment screaming through her silence.

  “I have to leave in two days, and I need to rest up and get ready for the flight.”

  “What…?”

  “I’ve been called out for another shoot.”

  “And when were you planning on telling me?”

  “I didn’t know I had to fill you in on every plan I make.”

  “Of course not.”

  “I’ll be gone for a few weeks,” I say, pulling up on the street outside her driveway.

  “Is ‘a few weeks’ a nice way of saying another eight years?”

  I knew she was too smart for me.

  “What do you want, Casey? What were you expecting?”

  “Nothing, Nick. I wasn’t expecting anything from you.”

  It hurts so much. But I can take it.

  “Good. Then we’re on the same page.”

  I make the biggest mistake I could make: I turn and look at her.

  Her eyes kill me. It’s a slow death: like being stabbed by something sharp, repeatedly, endlessly piercing my flesh. Every jab is right on target, hitting all my vital organs. And I can’t do anything but give in, hoping that I die as soon as possible – because I’m not strong or brave enough to bear the agony.

  I look at her, and I realise that she isn’t looking at me. She’s seeing the wrong Nick. Because the Nick that she wants has never come back; maybe he got lost on one of his adventures, or maybe he simply never existed.

  Do you see, Casey? Do you see what I see? Do you really see me? Because I can’t find him.

  “I thought—”

  “I haven’t changed,” I interrupt her.

  She nods, silent.

  “I’m a nomad, you know that. I can never stay still, tie myself down. I never stay in the same place.”

  “So the game is over, then.”

  God, Casey. Why do I have to drag you down with me?

  “The match is finished.”

  “And you won.”

  I lost. We’ve both lost.

  She takes a deep breath, and with all the pride and strength she can muster, she breaks my heart, kicking it to the kerb.