by Kelly, A. S.
I shrug, feigning indifference. I don’t want them to drag all this up now – they have no right. Am I not already suffering enough? I can’t bear this, too.
“You said that to me, too,” Ryan interjects. “When you asked me to be nice to him, not to leave him out.”
“I don’t remember,” I lie.
Of course I remember. I remember it all.
Ian, sitting there in the rain. He’d been sleeping under the stands of the school rugby pitch for five days, and nobody had noticed – but I had. I saw him. His jeans were always ripped, his T-shirts always too small, his books second-hand, borrowed from other students. Sometimes, in lessons, he didn’t even have a pen to write with. He had that terrified look in his eyes: it was the look of a scared little boy, who wanted to prove to everyone that he was a man.
I didn’t know Ian that well. We only had two lessons together, and we were both on the school rugby team; we chatted every so often, but we weren’t friends. Ian didn’t really have any friends at school, and I only understood why after hearing his story. He was trying to protect himself, not to attract any attention; his home life was really shit, and he was just trying to survive. And when I saw him there, alone… Something inside me clicked. I had a family, I had everything I needed. I was so privileged, so lucky; and everyone deserves a second chance. I couldn’t bear the thought of someone like him with no one to turn to. Ian kept going, despite everything. At school, in training. He was clever, quiet – he liked his own company, but didn’t know how to keep going anymore. He was talented, with such a big heart, and I couldn’t let him waste it all. I’d never have forgiven myself.
“You said it to me, too,” Dad says, turning towards us. “You said: Dad, he’s on his own. And he doesn’t deserve it. No one deserves to be alone.”
Jesus Christ. What is this? An intervention? A way to finally prove that Nick has a heart after all?
“And you were right,” Dad continues. “No one deserves that, Nick. Especially not you.”
“I’m not alone. I have you guys…”
Ian rests his hand on mine.
For fuck’s sake. Now they’re trying to make me cry, too?
“You couldn’t stand the idea of someone suffering, because you’d seen suffering first-hand, Nick.”
I shake my head, trying to shrug his hand away; but Ryan’s suddenly appears on top of ours.
Fuck, no!
“You understood who I was, and what I was going through,” Ian says. “Even though you’ve never admitted it.”
“Bullshit.”
“And that day, you didn’t forget the rugby kit,” Ryan adds.
“Do you ever mind your own fucking business?”
“You came back for me, Nick.”
“So what?!” I say, almost furious now. “I don’t owe you an explanation!”
“We don’t need one,” Dad adds. “We know who you are, even though you try to hide it. We’re your family. We always will be. But Nick, it’s time to think about what you want.”
“I already have everything I want.”
“For fuck’s sake, Nick!” Ryan says, losing his patience. “You don’t have a fucking thing apart from us – and that’s not good. We’ve watched you, let you do your own thing, and maybe we were wrong not to get involved. We should’ve said something sooner; but we guessed that, at some point, you’d work it out on your own. But you’re such an idiot, and…fuck, I want to put my fist through your face!”
My dad smiles, amused by Ryan’s ranting.
“Do something for yourself, Nick,” Ryan says, trying to calm himself down. “Just live your life the way you want to!”
Dad’s hand joins ours. “We’ll always be with you. Even me,” he says, smiling sadly. “And so will your mother, Riley, Chris, Evan, little Jamie – but I know that you need someone who will be there just for you.”
I lower my head, trying to hold back the tears. I don’t want to cry in front of my family.
“I’ve said some stuff. I’ve made a lot of mistakes…”
“You can always make up for it, Nick. Go and find her, and do something that you’ve never done in your life.”
I look at him.
“Tell her the truth.”
“Jesus, were you all planning this?”
“Everyone deserves a family, Nick. And we’re so happy to have you in ours. You’ve…you’ve always given us so much joy. Now it’s time for you to give someone else that joy. Because that’s what you do.”
It sure doesn’t sound like it, from the heaving sobs Ryan’s trying to hold back.
“You’re the joy of this family, Nick O’Connor. That’s what you are. But now it’s time for you to discover that for yourself – and time to prove it to her, too. Find the way home. Find the way to your home: find the place you feel safe, somewhere you always want to go back to.”
“Fuck, Dad!” I complain, drying my eyes on my arm.
Dad smiles. “You’re an O’Connor, and the O’Connors always know when it’s time to face the storm. When it’s time to find somewhere safe to ride it out. And you, Nick, already know where that place is for you. Now you just have to tell her; because she’s not going to wait around to show you the way. And I’m scared that you won’t be able to find it on your own.”
Oh, Dad. I can’t do a fucking thing when I’m not with her. I can’t even breathe.
“Show her who you are, Nick. She won’t be able to resist loving you. Just like we do.”
69
Casey
I put my mug in the sink and go back to the sofa. Tonight, I’ve decided to stay in. I couldn’t even drag myself downstairs to have dinner with Dad and Catherine. I just want to be on my own, trying not to think about my disappointment. I want to spend some time working out what to do with my life now, after I thought I could share it with him.
Instead, I’m alone again, comforted by a dinner of tea and chocolate biscuits; I only have silence, sadness and my memories for company. I miss him so much I can barely breathe. I try to remember what life was like before, when he wasn’t here, when I thought he’d never come back – but I can’t.
The truth is that there’s no before or after with Nick O’Connor. There’s just him. It’s as if nothing else ever existed.
I grab the remote, settling myself in for a night in front of the TV, trying not to break down after another pointless day without him. I curl myself up into the corner of the sofa, sitting on my legs, and clutching a cushion, when I hear a knock at the door. I wait a few seconds for the sound of my dad’s key in the lock, but the knocking continues. I get to my feet, heading downstairs to go and see who’s there. I hope it’s not Martin – I really can’t be bothered to see him tonight – but when I open the door, my world comes crashing down around me.
I stand there, frozen, my hand still clutching the door handle, overwhelmed all at once by a thousand different emotions. Nick is here. After everything I said to him, he’s standing at my front door, wordlessly. Breathlessly. He’s staring at me, his eyes tired from an endless battle against the inferno he’s trapped in.
“Please, let me in.”
I shake my head, but I don’t have the courage to slam the door shut in his face.
“I need to talk to you.”
“We already said everything we needed to say two days ago.”
“You said everything you needed to say. I never even started.”
“Nick…”
“I listened to your lies, in silence. Please. Let me tell you the truth.”
“Why now?”
“Because I have to. Even if you don’t want me, even if you never understand. Even if you stop loving me. I want to do it anyway. You’re the only person I want to tell the truth to, Casey. Please. Listen.”
I’d never slam the door in anyone’s face, especially not his. So I let him come in and close the door behind him, as he climbs the stairs to my apartment. Once we’re both in the living room, I sit on the sofa, while he stays standin
g.
“I don’t know where to start.”
“I’ve heard that before.”
He sighs. “You’re right. So let me tell you something that you’ve never heard.”
He sits on the coffee table opposite me, running his hands nervously through his hair.
“Let me tell you a story about a boy who lost his way, and didn’t know how to come home.”
I bite my lip anxiously.
“It’s a story about a boy who did the only thing he knew how to do: he lied. Because it was easy. It was the only way not to hurt himself – not to hurt others.”
“Nick, I know what you’re trying to do, but I don’t get…”
“Every decision I’ve made has been the wrong one. Including my decision to leave you there that night.”
“We’ve already spoken about that,” she says, shaking her head. “It makes no sense now, to…”
“When I was fifteen, I got ill.”
My gaze snaps up to meet his.
“Leukaemia.” He closes his eyes. “I was sick for so long. I left school to have treatment, to be with my family…” he takes a second to catch his breath. “My family was… Well, you know them. They never give in. Mum was like my shadow, and Dad didn’t sleep, just so that he could watch over me. He was scared that I…” his voice starts to tremble, “…that I wouldn’t wake up. And Ryan,” he shakes his head. “Sweet, little Ryan… He couldn’t do it. He was my little brother and he was so scared for me. Everyone was scared for me. It was like living in a bubble. I was scared for myself – but I was more scared for them. They could never have accepted if… They just couldn’t accept it. I heard Ryan praying every night. I heard Mum crying in the kitchen, heard Dad crying in the living room… I head everyone crying. All the time. And I didn’t want them to cry. I didn’t want them to worry about me, to spend their lives worrying that I wouldn’t be around for much longer. It was so hard, Casey, seeing them like that…”
I get up and kneel down next to him.
“They wanted me to have a transplant. They said that was the only solution…and you know even better than me how these things work. But Ryan, my Ryan…he wasn’t a match. Jesus, Casey; he was only twelve years old, and he was crying because…” He stops again. “Because he couldn’t save my life.”
I bring my hands up to my mouth, trying to stifle a sob.
“There wasn’t much hope… I was living in bed by then, just waiting to…” The first tear starts to slide down his face. “Then there was a miracle, Casey. A donor. They’d told us it would be almost impossible, but then there was hope.”
He stands up, leaving me on the floor, and starts to pace around the living room.
“But nothing was the same again. I lost years of my life, and I’d taken my family’s lives away from them. I was almost eighteen years old, and I’d just started to live again, to go to school, to train… But it was too late. I wasn’t the same person anymore. Physically and… I just wasn’t me. I didn’t know who I was. And I couldn’t decide who to be.”
He turns towards me. “That’s how this version of Nick O’Connor was born. The dickhead that you met, the one that I still am. I didn’t know who else to be: I was failing at school, and at rugby…I was never the best. I was just…nothing. So I became this. I built myself up on lies…”
I get to my feet, too. “Nick, you don’t have to—”
“I decided to be this. Nick, with all his bullshit. Nick, who’s always cheerful. Nick, who never has any problems. Nick, who always makes everyone laugh – because I couldn’t stand the sight of another tear. I never wanted any more sadness, any more suffering. I wanted my life to be light-hearted, with no problems or thoughts or pain. I never wanted anyone to see even a trace of that boy, so scared, so weak. I had to be strong. But the truth is, Casey, that’s not who I am. Not for a second.”
He steps towards me and stops in front of me.
“I’m not strong. I’m not cheerful. I’m not happy. I never have been; not until you…” He takes my hand in his and brings it up to his lips. “You’re the only person who’s ever made me happy, who ever gave my life any meaning. The only one who’s ever made me realise that I wasn’t going anywhere. That I barely existed without you.”
70
Nick
I clutch at her hands as she looks at me with her huge, gentle eyes.
“I tried not to hurt anyone for so long…but I ended up hurting you. And I can never forgive myself.”
“You should’ve told me, I’d have understood…”
“Then what? You’d have felt sorry for me? I didn’t want your pity. I saw it in everyone else’s eyes for so long… I wanted them to believe what they were seeing, what I was seeing. I didn’t want anyone to worry for me, because I couldn’t stand it.”
“If you’re talking about your family…”
“I’m talking about everyone, Casey. Even you.”
She shakes her head, confused.
“Jesus, Casey. I’ve done nothing with my life. I wasn’t good in school, I never got into university, I wasn’t on the team like my brothers… Life gave me a second chance and I haven’t done a fucking thing with it. I played in smaller teams, but I was never any good. I wasn’t in shape, my mind wasn’t in it… They were just about to kick me out when I accepted my first photo shoot. Sportswear. So I did what I knew how to do: I was a dick. But they liked it. They called me out for another one, then another, and then I was Nick: the model. The one who poses naked, makes everyone laugh. The one that women dream about. But also the one who had a huge hole where his heart should’ve been.”
“But you’re not like that. You have so much going for you…”
I laugh bitterly. “I’m a fucking failure. But I pretended not to be. Do you really think I like modelling? Do you really think that was what I wanted?”
“I don’t know, Nick. You never told me.”
“I’m telling you now. I’m telling you that I’m not who you think I am, that the person who hides behind all those jokes, who makes you laugh, doesn’t exist. I’m not strong, I’m not confident, I’m not a devoted son or a brother you can count on. I’m not a man you can love.”
“You just made a few bad decisions, that’s all…”
“No, Casey. I decided to lie.”
“Your family knows who you are, Nick.”
“My family?” I shake my head. “Do you know what I did to my brother? The one who cried every night because he couldn’t save me? I betrayed him.”
Casey drops my hands and steps back.
“I slept with Lauren.”
What I see reflected in her eyes brings down everything that remains of my life.
“And do you want to know the worst part? He forgave me. I can’t even forgive myself, but he forgave me.”
Casey backs away, horrified by my confession.
“That night, in the pool… I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know where to go. But I wanted to stay. Fuck, I really wanted you!” I raise my voice. “I never wanted anything but you.”
She shakes her head, falling limply onto the sofa.
“But I wasn’t a future. You deserved a man. Not someone like me, who could never give you anything.”
I step towards her and deliver my final piece.
“My illness, all the treatment… At that moment, I wasn’t thinking about it. But a few years later, I had a check-up… I finally realised the full extent of everything.”
Casey lifts her eyes to meet mine.
“I can’t have a family of my own, Casey.”
I see her breathing catch in her chest.
“I’m almost infertile.”
I see the realisation spread through her face.
“And I know that everyone always says there are other options, other ways… But I would never want to place this burden on you, because…you’re everything, Casey. You’re my everything.”
Maybe this is all too much at once. But there’s no point in pretending anymo
re that she could ever love me. There’s no point making her believe that she could have a future with me.
I step away from her.
“Here I am, Casey. This is Nick O’Connor. A man who doesn’t know what to do, who has nothing to give. I’m a disappointment. A man who’s only ever been happy once in his life. Do you know when that was?”
She shakes her head.
“When you told me, at my parents’ house, that you knew what my favourite colour was. That was the happiest moment of my life. Because it was the truth, and you knew it. You knew something real about me.”
She closes her eyes, letting the tears tumble freely over her cheeks.
“I wanted to stay that night. I didn’t want to leave. But what could I have given you? You were only nineteen. You wanted to be a doctor, for fuck’s sake! What was I? I had nothing to my name apart from a one-way ticket to New Zealand and a two-year work contract. And then what? What would I have done? What the fuck could I ever have given you? Lies? False hope? What, Casey? What? You deserved everything, and I had nothing.”
She flicks her eyes open again, the pain inside them piercing through me.
“You could’ve let me decide.”
“What would you have chosen? The little kid who never grew up, with a deep-set fucking fear that he wouldn’t even make it to next year?”
She doesn’t respond. She doesn’t know what to say. She just looks at me, a thousand emotions passing in front of her eyes. But I can’t see what I need, what I’d hoped for.
I can’t see forgiveness.
I pull myself to my feet and head towards the stairs, knowing that, as soon as I walk out of that door, I’ll have nowhere to come back to.
71
Casey
I walk my patient to the door and say goodbye, reassuring him about the progress he’s making in his physio sessions. He walks away with his wife, leaning on his crutch, as I check my schedule for my next patient.
