by Kelly, A. S.
“O’Connor,” I say, the breath leaving my body.
I slowly lift my gaze, not knowing what to expect, and Ryan’s cheeky smile flashes back at me.
“You’re not my next patient,” I say, crossing my arms.
“What’s written on your schedule?”
“Ryan…”
“I have an appointment.”
“And I’m pretty sure I know who booked it for you.”
He shrugs. “I have friends in high places at this hospital. I managed to get myself onto the very long waiting list of the best physiotherapist in the business.”
“Flattery won’t get you anywhere.”
“I can try.”
I sigh, stepping aside to let him into my treatment room. He perches on the bed and waits for me to say something.
“So, Mr O’Connor,” I say, defeated. “What seems to be the problem?”
Ryan smiles sadly. “My brother.”
“How did I guess?” I say, grabbing a stool and sitting down in front of him.
“He needs somebody to help get his life back on track.”
“There’s nothing wrong with him.”
“Oh, Casey. Everything is wrong with him. And there’s no one else who can help him get back on his feet. No one except you.”
I shake my head, looking away.
“I imagine he told you something.”
“He told me everything, Ryan. He actually threw them all into my face.”
“Did he tell you about Lauren?”
I nod.
“I’m glad he did.”
“I can’t believe that he…”
“It was a mistake. A huge one. But he didn’t mean it.”
“Sure.”
“I’m serious. I was so angry with him for years. I hated him… I wanted him dead.”
“I can understand that.”
“But Lauren had already left me. She never showed up to our wedding.”
“Oh, Ryan. I had no idea.”
“She gave me no explanation – she just decided not to come. So Nick tried to do something. But you know as well as I do that he’s a disaster,” he says, shaking his head and smiling. “She told him that she hadn’t loved me for a long time, and that she didn’t want to marry me. They drank too much and ended up back at her apartment. The next morning, they both woke up in the same bed, and…”
“Jesus, I can’t believe it.”
“He wanted to convince her to come back to me, to make her realise that she was making a huge mistake. But in the end, he just made it worse. I’m not saying he’s not guilty of anything, but I know he never wanted to hurt me. He never would, Casey. He suffered so much already that he could never inflict it on anyone else.”
“I believe that.”
“He tries to do the right thing, but he always ends up fucking it up.”
I smile, despite myself.
“But he has a good heart. He didn’t lie because he wanted to hurt you. He didn’t think he was doing any damage. He doesn’t think; he’s too impulsive, inconsiderate… God, sometimes, I want to put my fist through his face. But he’s my brother, and I love him.”
I can hear the emotion straining at Ryan’s voice.
“Did you know that Ian’s adopted?” He asks, out of nowhere.
My mouth hangs open in shock.
“Do you know who brought him home to us?”
I shake my head, but my mind has already worked it out.
“Ian was abandoned by his mother. He’d been living on the street for a few days, sleeping at our school’s rugby pitch. Nobody noticed him…”
“But Nick did,” I finish for him, feeling my heart swell with pride.
“He always notices these things. The only thing he can’t see is himself.”
I feel the first tear start to drip down my face.
“He knows how to recognise the truth, because he knows how it feels to live behind your lies. He realised that Ian was hiding, that he needed help… And he brought him home to us.”
“That’s so Nick,” I comment.
Ryan smiles. “Do you know what he said to us that night?”
I wait, wordlessly.
“Everyone deserves a family.”
My hand flies up to cover my mouth.
“And, Casey; he deserves his, too.”
Ryan gets up and steps closer to me, placing his hands on my shoulders. I lift my gaze to his.
“Nick brought so much joy into our lives. He still does – even though he pisses me off like no one else. Now it’s time someone else brought joy to him. He deserves it, Casey. God only knows how much he deserves it.”
He bends down so that we’re eye-to-eye. I instinctively lean my head against his shoulder and he wraps his arms around me affectionately.
“Bring him home, Casey. Because you’re the only home Nick could ever go back to.”
72
Nick
I get back into my apartment after my evening run. I pull out my earphones and strip my sweaty clothes off, chucking them onto the bathroom floor. I step into the shower and run the water, lowering my head to let the warm water relax the knotted muscles in my neck. I stay like that for a while, leaning my forehead against the tiles and closing my eyes, waiting for the pain to pass – or at least for it to dull, to let me breathe again. I’m starting to believe that this type of pain never leaves you; that there’s no cure.
This time, there won’t be a second chance for me. There won’t be any more miracles.
I told her everything. I emptied out Nick O’Connor, hoping that she could help me gather up the pieces of what was left. But it looks like I’ll have to take care of it myself; or maybe I could just leave everything where it is, laying there. Empty. Useless. Nothing is worth putting myself back together for.
A sudden rush of cold air from behind me makes me turn suddenly; I see her, standing in front of me, in my shower. Fully-dressed. I’m almost scared I’ve lost my mind, because I can’t believe that she’s really here.
“You!” she cries, pointing her finger at me. “You bastard! You selfish, arrogant bastard!”
“What the hell…?”
“How could you?”
“Casey…”
“How could you do something like that?”
“What are you talking about? What the fuck are you doing in my shower? And how the hell did you get into my house?”
“Ryan told me the code for downstairs, and gave me a key.”
“Why the fuck did he give you a key to my house?”
“He told me to surprise you. He said it works.”
Little fucker.
“Has it worked?” she asks me, biting at her lip.
If I start to cry now, she won’t notice. Right?
“What…? What are you doing here…fully-dressed, in my shower, and…?”
“I needed to speak to you and I couldn’t wait any more.”
“You couldn’t have waited for me to get out the shower before you starting calling me a bastard?”
“Well, you deserved it. You can’t just do that. You can’t just turn up at my apartment unannounced, tell me all those things, and then disappear.”
“It was already pretty hard telling you everything. I couldn’t have handled it if you…”
“You left. You didn’t even give me a chance to let what you were saying sink in, to understand… And I’m fucking furious!” She slams her fists against my chest. “You should’ve told me everything in the beginning and let me choose, Nick. You should’ve trusted me. You can’t do it, okay? You can’t run away every time something seems difficult. You can’t always choose the easy way out. You can’t do that to me.”
“I don’t know what to do with you, Casey! I have no idea what the fuck to do!”
“Love me,” she says, stepping closer. Her wet T-shirt sticks itself to my body. “Just love me.”
She lifts her gaze. Her eyes are clearer than ever, light pouring out of them, unobscured by anything I’v
e said. There’s no anger, no pain.
There’s hope. There’s love. There’s future.
There’s us.
“Choose what we have. Choose everything we could have together, all the things we could do. Choose to go for a swim in the middle of the night, to have sex in the car. Choose my stupid T-shirts and rugby matches in the parl. Choose dinners on the terrace and Sundays at your parents’ house. Choose to laugh with me, to cry with me, to…live. Choose us, Nick. Choose to stay.”
“Jesus, Casey. Why do you have to be so fucking perfect? Why do you have to be so strong when I’m so weak? Why do you have to love me like this?” I ask, desperately.
“Because you’re you, Nick.”
“And you want me? Seriously?”
“You’ve always been you. I never stopped loving you, from the minute we met. And I realise how pathetic it is, but for me, there’s never been anyone else. I never even tried. I didn’t want to love anyone else. I just wanted to love you.”
“You want me,” I repeat, stupefied.
“I want you, you idiot.” She slides her hands over my cheeks. “I just want Nick O’Connor. Come home. Come back to me. And, this time, please stay.”
Now I really am crying. And I’m sure she’s noticed.
I brush the wet hair away from her eyes and take her face in my hands.
“You know that I’m not who you think I am, right? That I’ve told you so many lies, that I’m good for nothing, Casey. I’m just a liar.”
She reaches onto her tiptoes and presses her face against mine. Her hands slide to the back of my neck and she strokes me, gently.
“You’re the most beautiful lie I’ve ever been told, Nick O’Connor. And the only lie I want to believe in.”
Then her eyes give me the only thing I ever needed.
They give me light; that lantern, guiding me through the storm. Leading me somewhere I feel safe, surrounded by love.
Her eyes are bringing me home.
“You’re the only thing in my life that’s real, Casey Madigan.”
Her smile opens into a beam, as the water keeps falling, mixing with our tears, our joy. Our happiness.
“Let’s move on together. And this time, no one’s getting left behind.”
I lean into her lips and brush gently against them. I want to taste her, to breathe her in; I want to drink in the water, letting it flush through my veins, replacing every drop of blood. I want to feel her running through me, keeping me alive, giving me strength, and…everything.
That’s what she is.
She’s everything.
Casey jumps up and wraps her legs around my waist – with difficulty, thanks to her soaking, skin-tight jeans. I hold her against me, keeping her up by her butt cheeks, as she smiles again, kisses me again, loves me again.
And in that moment, in my shower, holding her in my arms, with love raining around us, I feel like myself. I feel like the real Nick.
And I never need to tell another lie again.
73
Casey
Once we’d got out of the shower, Nick helped me out of my wet clothes and wrapped me in a huge, fluffy towel. He wandered around the apartment, totally naked, skipping around, so happy; I felt like my heart might explode.
We stepped out onto the terrace. Up here, we’re on the top floor, with no one around; so we stayed there, like that, entangled in each other’s arms, breathing in this moment together. With no lies, no fear of being left behind. Because that’s not going to happen anymore.
“Are you cold?” he asks me now, as we’re on the sun lounger, my head laying against his chest.
“I’m perfect.”
He pulls me into him and places a kiss on my exposed shoulder.
“As much as I love the idea that you have nothing on under that towel, I really think you should go and put something on.”
“Aren’t you cold, too?”
“Nope. I don’t need anything on.”
“Of course. I forget how much you love strutting around naked so that everyone can admire that arse of yours.”
He turns me towards him. “You’re the only one I ever want to admire me.”
I smile like an idiot.
“Are you hungry?” he whispers into my ear. “I could feed your appetite, if you like.”
“Do you want me to list all the ways you could do that?”
Nick laughs, a joyful laugh that bursts through my chest and into my ears, shaking the foundations of my whole world.
I turn my face towards him again, and he strokes my cheek.
“Please. Don’t ever stop.”
“Doing what?”
“Laughing, Nick.” His gaze darkens ever so slightly. “There’s nothing in the world that’s more real than your laugh.”
He leans down to me and plants a kiss on the end of my nose. “As long as you’re here, Casey, I don’t see how I could ever stop. Please, never leave me alone with myself. I don’t think I could bear it.”
“Oh, Nick. You’re amazing. I just wish you could see it, too.”
“Maybe if you give me a hand…”
“Of course. For as long as you want.”
“Please don’t say that. My mind is already thinking of everything you could mean by that.”
I burst out laughing, too. “Then feed my appetite, or I won’t be able to satisfy anyone.”
He lifts himself up a little to grab his phone from the table. “Pizza?”
“Perfect.”
“What toppings do you want?”
“All of them.”
He laughs, shaking his head.
“And don’t forget dessert. That’s the best bit.”
Nick looks at me, his stare intense, as if he were delving into every cell in my body. “Of course. We can’t forget dessert.”
And my body already knows exactly what he means.
* * *
“Why have you forced me to wear a T-shirt when you’re perfectly happy to just sit there, naked?” I ask, chewing at another slice of pizza.
“Because I wouldn’t be able to eat if you were sitting naked in front of me.”
“Like you can’t resist?”
He replaces his slice of pizza into the box and turns to look at me, as if he were undressing me with his gaze. “What I’m hungry for isn’t in this fucking box.”
I bite my lip. “Then maybe you should take a bite at what you’re really craving.”
“Oh, believe me: I fucking will. But we need to build up your strength, first.”
“Well, if it’s what you want…” I say, reaching for the last slice. “You don’t mind, right?”
Nick heaves a deep sigh. “Jesus, Casey. You’re really here. What the hell did I do to deserve you?”
I put down my pizza and slide over to him. I sit myself on his lap and take his face in my hands.
“You’ve just been yourself, Nick. Completely you. And that’s the only thing I’ve ever wanted.”
“But…”
“No. No buts,” I smile at him, feeling a weight sit itself onto my heart. “Nick, I want to ask you – and not because I’m scared or anything, but… I want to know what’s going on. Always. Even if you think it’ll hurt me. Okay?”
He nods.
“Are you…okay?” I ask him, the anxiety palpable in my chest. “Your illness…”
Nick smiles at me. “I’m fine. I’ve never gone into remission, and I have a check-up every year.”
I hold him tightly to me and lean my head against his shoulder. Nick wraps his arms around me and whispers: “Now I’m much better.”
“Me, too, Nick.”
“And if you’re done with dinner, I could really make you feel better.”
I pull apart from him a little. “What did you have in mind?”
“You know, after everything that’s happened, I think we both deserve to relax a little.”
I look at him, one eyebrow raised. “Are you finally about to show me your pièce de résistence?”
>
“I’m about to show you all my hidden talents.”
“Well, in that case, dessert can wait.”
“Yours, maybe; but not mine.”
* * *
“Oh, God!”
“Stop doing that.”
“It’s not my fault. I love it.”
He laughs, kissing my shoulder again. “Now calm down and let me give you this fucking massage.”
I lean against him as his hands start to slide down my back.
“Oh, yes…yeah, right there…”
“Please, try and restrain yourself.”
“You have magic hands.”
“Oh, really…?” he says, his voice charged with seduction, as he slides his hands onto my breasts. He massages them gently, as I feel a wave of excitement lapping at my body.
This man is the definition of sex.
“Weren’t you supposed to be giving me a massage?”
“I am. I just never specified which part of you I’d be massaging.”
“Sure,” I comment.
I’m certain he works with the devil. His hands run over me slowly, their pressure increasing, before leaving my breasts and heading a little lower.
“Nick,” I moan.
“I want to massage you everywhere.”
His fingers slip inside me seamlessly. He moves them slowly, as if he really were massaging me, before reaching the most hidden part of me, making me move against his hand.
“Yeah…that’s right…” he whispers into my ear, making me tremble. “Take them, Casey. Do what you want with them,” he murmurs, pushing as deeply as he can, making me arch my back towards him. His other hand moves back up to my breasts, tormenting one of my hard, swollen nipples.
“Nick,” I growl, guttural.
“I can’t help but touch you.”
His fingers, pushing deeply again.
“You know what I want to do now?”
“Aren’t you already doing it?”
He pulls his fingers away and turns me towards him, gently pushing me back until I’m lying stretched out, his head ducking down under the surface, between my thighs. I almost cry out the moment his mouth touches me. He nibbles at me, showing me exactly what he wants, before coming slowly back up for air. Water is sliding down his face, droplets settling onto his lips; his hair is plastered to his forehead. He’s there, in all his seductive splendour. He grabs my legs and throws them over his shoulders, as I let my head fall back onto the side of the jacuzzi.
