Space Shenanigans

by T F R LeBoomington

  “All I did after the war was party! Fiesta siempre!” He’d been a big fan of Party Like A Human in those days. He tried to high-five Rick several times. Moon had started frowning on the third, she changed the subject.

  “How d’you become a robot?”

  “I was betrayed…” Diego paused for a minute. He’d tell them the truth.

  Eventually, basic income wasn’t enough, and he’d turned to crime. He was caught immediately. Terra was practically crime-free for a reason. His house and cube had ratted him out. AIs weren’t big on crime. Armed robbery carried a five-year sentence, but criminals who were judged to have acted out of desperation were given a choice.

  Serve the time in prison, old school. Serve the time in virtual reality. This one was a double-edged sword. Technically prisoners were free, but the trade-off was it damaged their minds on long sentences. The third option was to be sent to the colonies. Diego picked the third. He failed to realise that the government wouldn’t pay for all the necessary upgrades. They had simply transferred him into a robot. Diego was a bit melancholic about that. He wished he’d had the choice. Maybe it’s what he’d have chosen anyway. Maybe not.

  Diego arrived on Ceres in the mid-thirties. Before the guilds, before it looked like a space urchin, and before piracy had even really started. Back then Ceres was still a rock, its future inhabitants still in orbit as they tried to figure out this colonisation malarkey.

  Humans had been planning to colonise Luna and Mars for decades, plans had been in place long before the war. The rest of Solus colonisation had not been planned for. And apart from encouraging people to spacify their vehicles and go into space, the Council did little to actually support expansion.

  Terra needed a lot of work still, so colonisation was left to the spirit of adventure and the forces of chaos.

  As a part of his sentence, Diego had to serve five years on a Council affiliated mining ship. During that time Ceres City grew beyond control, superhighways were built through the asteroid field, colonies were established around every planet in Solus, and the nanobot fleet opened the first gate to another system. Diego missed all of that. But so did everyone he was telling his story to, he got no sympathy from them.

  The asteroid field was a veritable treasure trove of precious materials. Metals for construction, gases for propellant and precious, precious water. Mining all this wasn’t hard in theory. Despite the myriad of objects in the asteroid belt, the distance between them was so vast that a spacecraft could easily manoeuvre through the belt at relatively high speeds.

  From the beginning, the main danger was piracy, even if it wasn’t really known as that at first. It just turned out some people were good a finding and exploiting asteroids, and some were better at fighting.

  As a human Diego wasn’t really good at much, and as a robot, he hadn’t done much apart from hit rocks with tools. He wouldn’t find his calling until the last year of his sentence when a talent scout visited his ship.

  ◆◆◆

  The pirates had been hiding behind a large-ish fifty-kilometre asteroid, waiting for Diego and his crewmates to finish stripping the smaller asteroid. The only way they could have stayed undetected was by being there first. Piracy required some patience. The pirates had attacked while the crew were packing away the gear and haul, and by the time they realised they were under attack, it was too late to escape. But this was a prisoner ship, and it was equipped with weapons and a dozen armed guards.

  The pirate ship closed the distance quickly, it shimmered as its shield blocked incoming fire. Diego was still outside when the pirates collided with the side of his ship. The shockwave flung him back until his tether went taut, by the time he’d stabilised himself the pirates had begun flowing out their craft like locusts. Pushing through the breach, prying open hatches and bursting through windows.

  The battle lasted a couple of hours. Diego watched from behind some debris. He didn’t really have a plan, but he knew that if he didn’t show himself soon, he’d be left behind. His cheap robot body didn’t have any jets so he’d just float about until someone found him. Which could be a long time. Diego decided to show himself and surrender. And lucky for him, the pirates had taken casualties and were looking to replenish their ranks…

  Diego became a pirate on that day and never looked back. It turned out he had a talent for it, he rose through the ranks until he got his own ship and crew. As his reputation grew so did his body, in parts and size.

  Diego was standing up now and showing off his metal. He’d kept his prison body as a base, it was sturdy and functional. The thing was built to last. He also liked that he was supposed to give it back at the end of his sentence. A final “fuck you” to his jailers.

  He’d changed the head first. The non-threatening baby-face imposed by the correctional system had earned him the nickname of Babybot. Diego did not like that. Not one bit. His new head had big red eyes that instilled fear the way a pirate’s face should. He’d had artificial airways installed, not for breathing, for smoking. The pipes ran through his body and came out where his ears and nose should have been. It had a great effect on victims, but also Diego like cigars, always had. The experience with the sensors was close to his memory of smoking with taste buds, but it had been so long now he couldn’t be sure.

  He’d also added all the fine cybernetics an up and coming pirate might require. Bigger legs, more arms, secret compartments for his many tricks and armoured plating. Diego had become an imposing figure but seeing Brock was making him think he should go bigger. At least he had more arms.

  Diego loved being a pirate. The plundering was good, the system was a chaotic place to this day, the perfect environment for his trade.

  He’d started his show the moment he began calling himself captain. He’d been inspired by Rick. He was a fan. If people liked shows about partying they’d love shows about partying with a sprinkle of theft and violence. He was right. So much so that Rick had become a fan of his. As far Diego was concerned this was a meeting ordained by the Universe.

  The Fleet

  Policing was not easy. Brock knew this all too well. Policing one person could be so hard. A world was even harder. Terra seemed peaceful, but that was only because of security and monitoring protocols. Smartcubes, though loyal only to their ward, were programmed to uphold the law. AIs were flexible and valued what is right over strict application of the law. Like cheat days the AIs made some allowances for the complexities of life. But it was impossible to coerce an AI into robbing or murdering someone. People who wanted a life of crime had to do away with Smartcubes and AIs in general. Doing that on Terra would make someone stand out. Space is a big place though.

  Policing the rest of Solus was nigh on impossible. Brock allowed himself to relax. It wasn’t too hard for a good captain to lose a pursuer in the asteroid belt. Maybe this Diego guy would deliver.

  Brock was enjoying some drinks with Rick, Diego and some of the pirates when the proximity alarm sounded. A voice came on the PA.

  “Captain! You better come and see this. Like now.” Diego was up and running before the PA cut off. Brock glanced at Rick, and they followed, everyone else did as well.

  They got to the bridge, and all Brock could see were a lot of machines beeping and a lot of people shouting. In the centre of it all, Diego was pacing and repeating “putos” over and over again.

  “What’s happening?” Brock glanced at the screens. Ships everywhere.

  “There have been rumours for as long as I can remember of a fleet being built in secret. After a while, it just became a legend.” Brock had heard this too.

  “And?” Rick hadn’t.

  “And there are about a hundred Council ships between Ceres and us. A hundred ships no one knew existed.”

  “Fuck.” Rick was catching on.

  “My point exactly!”

  “Captain...” Brock didn’t think it was possible for a robot to pale.

  “What?” Diego snapped. His much flaunted legendary c
ool was gone.

  “We’ve been detected.”

  “Prepare to evade.”

  “We can’t.”

  “What do you mean we can’t? Just move the ship in the opposite direction as fast as you can.”

  “That ship is moving faster than anything I’ve ever seen. It will catch us. I’ve run the scenarios. It catches us every time.”

  “MIERDA!” Diego looked around at his crew, shrugged, mumbled some Spanish obscenities and shouted, “prepare to fight then!” Diego turned to Brock beaming a heroic smile that made him seem loony. “I’m sorry, but I think this is how we go. If you and your friends want to live you can take the shuttle.”

  Diego led them off the flight deck shouting orders at everyone they passed. Rick followed down the maze of corridors lined with rusty pipes, jumping every time a plume of steam shot out of a defective panel or pipe. Down in the vehicle bay there was a lot of broken crap and one shuttle, Brock ushered everyone in and waited while Rick tried to convince Diego to come one last time.

  “Come with us!” Rick jumped in and turned back to the mad Mexican. "Come on!"

  “Hahaha! I like you, Rick! But these are pirate hunters, and they've come for me! And I’d hate to disappoint them!” Diego laughed and went back to shouting orders and making ready for battle. Brock had to respect that kind of courage. Going into losing battles for principle took a special kind of crazy.

  Brock didn't want to tell the others just yet, but they were by no means safe. The odds of their shuttle escaping the fleet were just as slim.

  He still couldn't believe the fleet was real. Each colony was expected to police itself, ensuring it was a safe haven for all transhumans. The law was mostly upheld by bounty hunters and mercenaries loosely affiliated with the Council or some local colony government. But bounty hunters didn’t really go after pirates, and Ceres was one of the gateways to the outer system.

  Brock had gotten soft, it was obvious now that the Council had been planning to bring the chaos there to heel. It would have been insane not too.

  Brock had heard about the great fleet. Like everyone else, he thought they wouldn’t do it. A grand project abandoned. How sheltered their lives were on Terra. He wasn’t much better than Rick.

  It was a long time ago, but he still remembered the announcement. The construction of a grand fleet and the conversion of all naval fleets into the first Terran Space Fleet had been big news. The kind that captures imaginations. Aircraft carriers, destroyers, frigates, cargo ships and ferries. Any and all worthy ships were spacified and sent out to bring peace. And they had, on Mars, then Ceres, then Jupiter and all the way around and out to the outer rim where its remnants stayed to help with stargate protection and a few other crazy projects Brock had only heard rumours about. That fleet had done a good job, and then everyone had forgotten about it.

  A new fleet was needed. Brock could see that from the Council’s point of view. How it was used would define the future. This was effectively the first true Terran space armada. The first ships built for space combat.

  During the decade it took to produce these spacecraft the Council’s influence had eroded across the system. This fleet would change that. At least that must've been their idea. The data on these ships was astonishing. They were three to four times faster than anything Brock had ever seen. Those things could match the express without using acceleration portals. They were fucked.

  This brand new transhuman space fleet had deployed from the Venusian orbital factories. Brock had found the video. There had been a fanfare and parades to celebrate it. The armada was apparently on a mission to unify the colonies. Whatever that meant.

  The first stop on their mission to bring peace and order was Ceres. Unless the video lied, almost half of all resources brought in from Ceres in the last decade had gone to building the fleet, one way or another. Which meant both pirates and miners had worked tirelessly to contribute to their demise. Brock appreciated the irony.

  To cover as much ground as possible and catch any pirates between Terra and Ceres the fleet had spread out between the Venusian and Terran orbits. Between every massive battlecruiser were ten million kilometres and a dozen smaller ships. The flotillas would detect and catch anyone on their way. Brock had no good plan. He did have one bad idea.

  ◆◆◆

  Brock had no real experience flying shuttles, or spacecraft of any kind. He still sat in the cockpit, in the pilot's chair, controls in hand. Mr T was his co-pilot. Rick had jumped at the opportunity to comfort the Moons. Brock had let everyone know the situation. All sat quietly in the shuttle.

  The battle hadn’t started yet. They would wait until the chaos began to escape. Hopefully, by keeping the engines off and just floating for a while, they’d be able to evade capture. Mr T had run the odds for Brock. They weren’t great. Brock was using his time to learn as much as he could about spaceflight controls.

  The shuttle wouldn’t be able to take them to Ceres, nor Terra for that matter, but it would allow them to survive long enough to be rescued. It was better than nothing, and he’d gotten everyone to accept that fact.

  The Kill All Humans started picking up speed. Ram Attack time. Brock shouted at everyone to buckle up. Rick came up to sit next to him and watched him prepare the flight controls. Brock tried a smile. It wasn't a very good one, he knew. There was a lot on his mind. He had to feel this one. He turned the engine on.

  The collision came suddenly. Brock felt it and launched an instant before impact. As soon as they were clear of the ship he cut the power and let them float among the debris. The fight didn’t last long. The pirates were outnumbered and outgunned. Their boarding action was repelled, and their ship destroyed instants afterwards. Brock didn’t enjoy watching this explosion.

  ◆◆◆

  They all sat quietly in the shuttle waiting for the Council ship to leave. But it didn’t go. Instead, it came to investigate. If that ship had halfway decent instruments, it knew they were aboard. Sure enough, the tractor beam fired up and started pulling them into the craft. Their shuttle was laid to rest in the hangar bay and promptly surrounded by armed troops. As far as they knew the shuttle was filled with runaway pirates. Rick tapped Brock’s shoulder.

  “Give me the PA microphone.” Brock handed it to him and flipped a switch. Rick was good at chatting shit. Your time to shine buddy.

  “You’re good to go.” Rick cleared his throat and gave Brock a mischievous smile.

  “Don’t shoot! This is Rick Archer, The Last Human. I’m here with my crew. We managed to escape the pirates during the attack. Please help us.” Rick put down the mic and turned to Brock while shrugging. “What?” Brock smiled and tipped an invisible hat.

  “Come out with your hands up. You will not be fired upon. Do it now.” Rick gave Brock another shrug.

  “OK, let’s see where this goes.” Brock got up, and Rick followed. The others were fairly agitated.

  “Gary and Steve get ready to shoot live. When’s the last time we posted something?”

  “The last live segment was the express terminal on Mars orbital. Then I posted an edit of Brock kicking ass. We still haven’t posted anything that proves you’re alive and well.”

  “OK, what do you have?”

  “I have the Mars clip. It shows the red planet, some of the stuff we saw and the reunion moment that shows you’re not hurt. I haven’t finished with the rest yet.”

  “That’s fine, just get the Mars clip up, drop a pirate trailer and prepare to go live.” Brock liked this version of Rick a lot more.

  The cargo door at the back of the shuttle slowly started lowering. The soldiers positioned themselves in a semi-circle facing the opening, guns trained on anything that moved. Steve came out first, hands up as requested, but walking backwards.

  Rick was a couple of metres behind him talking to the camera. Something celebratory about being rescued after being taken prisoner by the pirates. Rick pointed at the soldiers calling them heroes and their saviours, Steve
went up to them for some close-ups before bringing the attention back to Rick.

  The others followed, waving at the soldiers and the camera and the millions of fans that were tuning in to see The Last Human. As Rick reached the cordon of soldiers, he gestured at Gary to cut the feed.

  A quick glance around verified that none of the soldiers had their weapons at the ready anymore. The sound of slow clapping reached Brock’s ears, and he turned to identify the culprit. His uniform was different; this was the person in charge.

  “Mr Archer, welcome aboard the Fearless, I am her captain, Salamak.” The captain extended his hand and grabbed Rick’s as it rose. “The world thought you were dead. I know your fans and producers would probably love to have you back. Unfortunately, we cannot abort our mission to take you back to Terra. You will need to stay with us until Ceres where you can find alternative transport. In the meantime you are our guest here, these men will show you to some quarters where you might relax.”

  Rick didn’t look like he knew what to say, so he went with the tried and tested “thank you”. Brock did the same and went to shake the captain’s hand.

  “Mr Dynamite, I’ve seen your work. Impressive.” Salamak smiled but it wasn’t a friendly smile. If Brock had to guess the message was, “don’t try any shit on my vessel”.

  The captain turned and was on his way and all but two of the soldiers scattered. Brock and the others followed their escort to what was easily the nicest, cleanest lounge they'd seen since leaving Terra. As a result Moon’s spirits seemed higher, Rick’s chances too. He'd mentioned it to Brock fifty times at least.

  The fleet took just over a day to reach Ceres. It could have gone faster, but it needed to catch any pirate ships in between Ceres and the inner planets. Which was great for Rick, more time to finally connect with Moon.