Space Shenanigans

by T F R LeBoomington

  The AI started back down the way they came beckoning the group to follow. Rick turned back for another look at his father, but the hologram was gone. Mega Prime was taking off. His dad was a giant space robot. Rick definitely had questions. Starting with that name. Mega Fucking Prime.

  Mega’s place was cool. Definitely a bachelor pad, more so even than Rick’s during his heyday. The question counter kept rolling up having yet to settle on a number.

  Mega had greeted them as Robo-Frank. The android had his father’s features when he was in his mid-thirties. Slightly buffed-up obviously. Rick didn’t really remember his father. He remembered the stories he’d told on TV. The character he’d created. He definitely didn’t know this suave version of his dad.

  It turned out Frank had been following his son’s career. Rick didn’t really know what to think about that. A part of him wanted to scream at him for not reaching out. But he wasn’t always this new and improved Rick. He was an apathetic drunk for decades, long before his father left. Hardly a trustworthy person. Even he had to admit it.

  The moment they were seated in the lounge with bubbles in their hands and pleasantries exchanged, the barrage of questions began. Both sides had questions. Many.

  “So what are you doing here?”

  “I was going to ask the same thing. Actually no. I was going to ask about the name first. What were you thinking?”

  “Giant robot, Transformers, cool name, born in the eighties.” Frank stopped there. Rick conceded the point. The thought process was sound.

  “What are you doing here? I thought you died.”

  “I did. The Agency tried to have me killed so many times I had to let them think they succeeded.”

  “Why were they trying to kill you?”

  “It’s old news it doesn’t matter.”

  “No it does matter, they’re trying to kill us. And they’ve already succeeded in killing six of our friends.”

  “What?”

  “Yeah. And when Arnold accosted us, we thought somehow they had found us again.”

  “Ah…”

  “Yeah…”

  “And the show?”

  “We’re doing that to protect ourselves. Filming everything and releasing it to the fans like an insurance policy.”

  “Is it working?”

  “No, not really.”

  “Then why is that guy filming us?”

  Gary was filming them. He was dark and broody now, but still committed to the show. “I’m filming because if I don’t my friends and all these people will have died in vain. I’m going to expose the corruption in the Council.”

  “The problem isn’t the Council, it’s the Agency. It was always the Agency. Just convincing people to do the wrong thing.”

  “What about the resistance? Are they present on Eris? I need to get in touch with them.” Brock's eyes betrayed hope.

  “Resistance is futile!” Frank laughed, “seriously though, what resistance? There is no such thing. Not here anyway.” It was Brock’s turn to fall into a stupor. “Listen, Eris and the rest of the outer rim are scientific experiments for the betterment of all of transhumankind. The mid colonies are fuel and mining meccas that enable the furthering of the civilisation. And the inner system is home. For everyone.”

  “What about the shortage of Mr Food cartridges? You know, this whole thing where Terra controls food production, and the colonies control the fuel. The Council fears losing its control over food production will lead the fuel colonies to emancipate. No? Nothing?” Rick had never heard this tone out of Brock. Unsure almost desperate.

  “Nonsense! People need to stop thinking in terms of systems and planets the way we thought of ourselves as countries in the past. We are one species. Transhumans. The work we are doing here will end all fuel and energy problems for eternity. It will unite people and launch a second interstellar wave of colonists.”

  “Not without food they won’t!”

  “That is annoying. But it is what it is. People will just go for full robotics.”

  “Damn right!” Diego thumped his chest.

  “But it doesn’t have to be that way.” Rick’s tone was unintentionally pleading.

  “What are you going to do? Do you know how to generate the Mr Food AI?”

  “Yes.”

  “What?”

  “I said yes. Are you going deaf in your old age?”

  “I’ll live forever smartass! The concept of age means nothing to me. Now how did you figure how to make Mr Food ? Scientists have spent hundreds of years in virtual research labs trying to reverse engineer that madman’s designs. As far as people can tell it's bloody magic. How’d you do it?”

  “Brock here has data stolen from Mr Food by a deep cover resistance operative.”

  It was Frank’s turn to be dumbfounded. Rick put on his smuggest face. He used the break offered by Frank’s stupefaction to have a look around. The room was nice, tastefully decorated. Comfort had been prioritised, but with a minimalist touch, light colours and measured decor. Massive paintings covered the immaculate walls, Rick loved the style, somewhere between Dali, SPaRK and Banksy.

  Frank had recovered. Everyone listened intently for the conversation to resume.

  “Do you realise what you have?”

  “The plans to making Mr Food stuff.”

  “That is the single most important thing in the Universe. Does anyone know that you have it?”

  “Well, only Brock and I knew. Now all you guys know. Others may have known, but they might all be dead now. Not sure.”

  Rick had told Moon about the resistance a few days ago. They’d had their first fight. She'd been moody for a bit but had come around quickly and expressed her rage during their brutal make-up sex.

  It wasn't too hard to understand why Rick had obeyed Brock, though he should have probably told her about the Mr Food plans then and there. The armour might have to stay on for the next bout of make-up sex.

  Gary had been even more upset at being left out from the secrets. Then again he was mostly angry since the deaths of Steve and Dan, so Rick didn’t pay him any mind. Rick was starting to miss the upbeat optimist. Cynical Gary was a bit of a prick.

  ◆◆◆

  Frank was raving about the ramifications of infinite food and energy. Rick was overwhelmed by everything, he needed some air. On his way to the balcony he passed a Mr Booze next to the bar, he’d sent his neural link order as he approached and collected his whiskey bubble without slowing. Rick slid the balcony door open and took a step outside only to bump into something. The thing shimmered and became visible. It was a person, but it was hard like a wall.

  The soldier had airs of that Guile character from Street Fighter. Only much older and cyborg. The hair was on point though. Others soldiers became visible around the terrace. Their haircuts weren’t as good as Guile’s though. He was probably the leader.

  “Mr Archer?” The soldier extended his hand. “I’m Commander Spickard of the Council Hunters.”

  Rick took the soldier’s hand and resisted wincing at the shake’s grip. Right on queue his suit’s warnings began harassing him.

  “I was hunting pirates and trying to save you, but new information has come to light. May I come in?”

  “This isn’t my place.”

  “He can come in. Just him though.”

  Frank, Brock and the others were all behind Rick gauging their uninvited guests. Moondog growled at the sight of him. Moon snarled at him. They had to go to the next room, neither of them was in a forgiving mood it seemed.

  Spickard left his rifle and pistol outside. This didn’t mean much to Rick, but Brock seemed relieved by the gesture. Frank offered Spickard a drink, and they sat in the lounge. Rick examined the soldier with great curiosity. This was the guy who beat Brock Dynamite to a pulp. He didn’t seem that scary compared to Brock.

  “We captured the other rogue ship and some of the crew. They talked.”

  “What did they say?” Brock’s tone was impatient, un
derstandably he was not the biggest fan of Spickard.

  “They were under orders from a certain Dave Phillik, Agency employee and producer on your show. All descriptions were of a bloodthirsty madman.”

  “That’s about right.” Rick maintained a nonchalant attitude, he wanted to look cool in front of his dad and the badass who kicked Brock's ass.

  “It was he who started the events in Ceres.”

  “You mean the battle?” Rick wanted to say "duh" but found something better to annoy Spickard.

  “After our investigation of the Ceres eve...” Rick interrupted Spickard.

  “Battle. Everyone is calling it the Battle of Ceres. You might as well start now.” Rick grinned, Spickard was not showing amusement, but he did play along, and unfazed, continued.

  “The Battle of Ceres was caused by three rogue Council ships. Can you corroborate the investigation's findings?”

  “What are the findings?”

  “That you are innocent.”

  “Then I corroborate.”

  “Let him share the findings first Rick.” Brock seemed wary.

  “Son, let him speak.” At that Rick’s head spun around and gave his father the stink eye. You'll have to earn that right old man.

  Spickard continued, “of the three rogue ships we understand one was stolen by pirates and one by that Dave character. You and your crew were rescued by the third ship which was unfortunately destroyed. Resulting in your capture by pirates. We assume Brock overpowered them and you’ve been fleeing Dave since.” That was close enough for Rick, he glanced over at Diego who would’ve surely swallowed if that was a thing robots and androids did.

  “Impressive!” Rick caught himself in time and dialled the sarcasm way down. “That’s right. Also I airlocked Dave. You should add that to your report.”

  “What about the Agency?” Brock wasn’t satisfied.

  “They’re the actual problem.” Amy neither.

  “The Council has become aware of the Agency CEO’s manipulations. An investigation into Richard Prunce is underway.” The thought of that maniac lying to everyone and getting away with it crossed Rick’s mind.

  “Where is he?”

  “We don’t know. He’s wanted for questioning.” The idea of Dick on the run brought Rick immense satisfaction. “I should let you know there are bounties on most of your heads. You will be hunted. The bounties are quite high.” Rick went pale, thank fuck Moon isn't in the room.

  “Can’t you fuckin’ take it down?” Brock asked first. Rick would have added a couple of extra "fucks" in there.

  “Unfortunately it is unofficial. We have no control over black market bounties. Only the person who posted it can take it down.”

  “Who posted it?”

  “Richard Prunce. He disappeared after the Battle of Ceres. There is a warrant out for his arrest, and we added a bounty. It seems many of the system’s problems can be traced back to him.”

  “So I’m free?”

  “Apart from the bounty on your head and having the richest person in the system after you. Yes. The Council has no arrest warrants out for you or your crew. We do need to take the ship back though.” Rick’s heart dropped. No not The Last Human.

  “We understand commander. Thank you for the information. We do appreciate it.” Amy said what Rick should have said. She was right, this was a pretty good outcome.

  “Thank you, commander.”

  “If you don’t mind, commander, we’ll need to get our AI and supplies off the ship.” Brock’s tone was civil, but Rick picked up a hint of hostility.

  “That’s fine. I’ll give you the coordinates of our ships, and you bring yours when it’s ready.” Spickard got up signalling to all that he was done.

  “What will you do now?”

  “Part of the fleet is currently on its way here. The rest is continuing with its mission.”

  “What is this mission?” Still that hostility in Brock's voice.

  “It was explained at length during the launch ceremony.”

  “We didn’t watch it,” Amy interjected.

  “Otherwise occupied,” Rick added.

  “The fleet is going from colony to colony bringing order.”

  “But what does that actually mean?” Why is it so hard to get straight answers out of people?

  “Organising elections for the new colony councillors, ensuring the health and safety of transhumans everywhere and cracking down of piracy and crime.” Rick was agape.

  “I told you the Council wasn’t bad.” Frank was right then. The Agency had done such an excellent job of twisting the media that the truth had been lost to everyone. Fake news peddlers.

  “We have become aware of the Agency’s efforts to undermine peace and start a fuel and food war...” Spickard tensed up, and his team out on the terrace began firing. Rick couldn’t see what they were shooting at, but whatever it was returned fire. The balcony was engulfed in a ball a flame. The heat from the explosion rushed inside and darkened the window. They didn’t shatter. That's some good glass.

  “My fucking plants!” Frank was gone. His body fell limp to the ground.

  “What’s going on?” Moon was in the doorway holding an agitated Moon dog by his collar.

  “We have to go!” Brock half-threw Rick towards Moon before shouting at Gary to get a move on. “Spickard… I’m sorry about your team…”

  “They knew the risks when they signed up. They died firing on their enemy like any true soldier should.” Rick couldn’t believe what he’d just heard. Nobody signed up for anything expecting to burn alive. Brock seemed equally disgusted by that remark.

  “We have to go if we don’t want to suffer the same fate.”

  “You go!” Spickard turned away and headed for the terrace.

  Brock shrugged and ran towards them yelling about getting a move on. They boarded the maglevator realising too late that the thing was on the outside of the tower. Great for a panorama of the city. Less so when being shot at from the sky. But they would die watching a grand old show.

  Mega Prime soared through the air brandishing a sword a third his size and unleashing a bus-sized cannon. Rick watched in awe as his father dominated the aerial engagement with a dozen convert ships. More mercs. It had to be.

  Their attention was drawn upwards to the ceiling when an explosion rocked their glass coffin. The top floors of the tower were gone. Spickard. Debris rained on them. A block of super concrete bounced off the roof leaving a scar in the glass. They were nearing the ground but were still at fatal heights. With every impact the cracks grew a little longer spreading like spindly fingers. Every impact sent shivers down Rick’s spine. Then the glass shattered and a thousand little pieces rained on them. A few bigger ones too. They were still going though, it was just windier now.

  Mega Prime was showing the attackers such a good time they hadn’t noticed the arrival of reinforcements. The robots had come and were swarming the ships. Tearing and cutting and destroying all the attackers, within a matter of minutes, it was quiet again. Mega Prime descended towards them, the flames of his jets like fiery wings and for an instant, Rick thought he looked like an angel of death. So cool.

  “What the fuck happened to my apartment?” Mega looked up and back down at the group.

  “It got blown up,” Rick answered more abruptly than he meant to.

  “My fucking body was in there!” The Frank hologram was talking now.

  Rick looked up at the flaming inferno raging at the top of the tower and shrugged. “Bah, we’ll get you a new one.”

  “All I have is this giant body... And that was my backup. If I die now, I don’t have a body to back up to. I die.”

  “I don’t have a backup. I just try to not to die like most people. Wait… Do you all have backups? Am I the only one here who’s not immortal!” Rick’s eyes sought out Moon’s.

  “Calm down Rick. I don’t have a backup.”

  “Neither do I… Neither did Steve… Neither do AIs…” Thanks, Gary...r />
  “They’re very expensive. Few people have them.” Amy’s tone had an unusual patronising quality to it.

  “And I just told you I lost mine.”

  “There can be only one Diego!”

  “So just me then.” Rick knew about Brock’s backup.

  “That’s great. We’ll all die then. Apart from Brock.” He was calm again. Panic over.

  “But what do we do about my body? And my home?”

  “There is nothing we can do.”

  “We have to go!” Brock was antsy.

  “And you have to come with us.” Rick’s tried the matter-of-factly tone.

  “Wait what? I have a life here! We’re trying for the greatest scientific achievements anyone has seen.”

  “They’ll have to get on without you. If you stay here, you jeopardize their work. This guy will never give up, and you're a target now.”

  “Listen, dad, we’re going to travel the stars looking for aliens and shit to blow up. It’ll be fun too.”

  “We have to go.”

  “Yes, Brock we heard you! Dad, what do you say? Little adventure?”

  ◆◆◆

  Rick had to guilt trip his father into coming with them. Just a bit. Brock and the others were already on route to the shuttle. Rick caught a ride on his father’s shoulder. It was fun at first. It very quickly turned into holding on for dear life. He screamed, but his father couldn’t hear him. Rick tried to neural link but couldn’t concentrate enough to work it out. The shaking and the rushing wind blurred his vision and mind. Then came the quiet and the darkness, everything chilled out on his display. The ship was in view now, Rick watched the shuttle enter the spacecraft, and it dawned on him. Mega Prime would never fit. He was half the size of the ship.

  “Rick? Can you hear me?” Frank had come in on the neural link.

  “I can hear you.”

  “I’m never going to fit on your ship.”

  “I just realised that.”

  “What do we do?”

  “Let me add the others to the link.” Rick hadn’t actually done that before, and it took a minute. He eventually got everyone online. “Right, so, Mega Frank isn’t going to fit on the ship.”

  “And you left my body to burn.”