Carry My Heart

by J. S. Cooper

  Jacob

  Jacob,

  Maybe.

  Sage

  Sage,

  Why was your last letter so short again? I know this might sound kind of kooky and feel free to say I told you so, but I really enjoy our letters. Maybe the receiving more than the writing, but they really do mean a lot to me. Just wanted to let you know.

  Jacob

  Chapter Two

  “What are you doing?” I whispered to Jacob as he crept into my room. “It’s after lights out.”

  “I know. I can see the moon shining outside.” He laughed as he continued walking into my room. “I just wanted to come and say hello.”

  “At midnight?” I wiped my eyes quickly so that he couldn’t see that I had been crying.

  “Is there a more appropriate time to slip into your bedroom at night?”

  “You know if Nancy and Karla were here, they would so tell on you.”

  “Then I guess it’s a good thing they are quarantined with the chicken pox then.” He sat at the end of my bed and stared at me. “I didn’t think you would mind me joining you.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah, why would you mind my handsome good looks?” He put his hands up. “I’ve heard I’m a bit of all that.”

  “Heard from who?” I smiled at him and a small giggle escaped me as he pointed to his body in an over-exaggerated way. “You’re a goofball, Jacob.”

  “Thank you, thank you.” He grinned. “I’m your goofball, it seems.”

  “Huh?”

  “I turned your frown upside down.”

  “What frown?”

  “The one you had before I got here. The one that made you cry.”

  “I wasn’t crying.” I shook my head and looked down at the bed, feeling embarrassed. “I wasn’t.”

  “Uh huh.” He bit down on his lower lip and reached over and wiped a stray tear away from my cheek. “I heard you.” His face looked serious then. “I know we’re more like pen pals right now. We don’t really talk in person and I know that’s weird, but it’s what you wanted.” He stared into my eyes, his face earnest. “I don’t really understand, but I want you to know that I respect your wishes. I respect you.”

  “Thank you,” I said, not knowing how to tell him that I didn’t know how to open up in person. I didn’t know how to let someone in close to my heart normally.

  “And while letters are unusual. I still feel like I know you and you know me. And I still feel like you’re my best friend.” He looked slightly embarrassed. “I must sound like a big loser.”

  “No.” I shook my head, my stomach feeling giddy at his words. Was he being serious? Was I really his best friend?

  “I feel like we’ve got this unique connection. I feel like you understand me in ways that no one else does. And I understand you in ways that no one else does as well.”

  “You think a lot of yourself,” I said, not really knowing what to say.

  “I know I come across as arrogant and confident,” he said, his voice slightly unsure. “But right now, right now I kind of need to hear that you feel the same, at least even a little bit . . .” His voice trailed off and as I stared at him, I realized that he was really unsure of himself. Like really unsure of himself. I felt uneasy and unsure of myself for a few seconds as I continued to stare at him. I’d never seen him like this before. I’d never thought he could be so vulnerable, so caught up in the moment. I hadn’t realized that what I thought and felt would mean so much to him.

  “I don’t know what to say.” The words tripped out of my mouth uncomfortably. How did I tell him that I thought about him all day? That I lived for his letters. That I was disappointed on days that I didn’t receive one from him. That there had been so many times that I’d just wanted to go up to him and tell him something. But I was broken, damaged and emotionally scarred. I didn’t know how to communicate. I didn’t know how to tell him the things that I felt inside. I was scared, and I was incapable of finding the right words.

  “Are you going to say anything?” he asked me after a couple of minutes of silence. He gave me a half-smile and I just stared at his handsome, sweet face, and I took a deep breath.

  “You’re my best friend as well.” The words were barely a whisper from my mouth and I could feel my face heating up, turning bright red with shame and embarrassment. I didn’t understand why it was so hard for me to express the way that I felt. But it just felt so uncomfortable. I finally looked up and saw that Jacob was staring at me with a beautiful smile on his face.

  “I can’t believe that you just admitted that.” He grinned at me. “I thought it would be a lot harder to get that out of you.”

  “You looked like you needed it.” I blushed as I stared at him. The moment felt unreal to me. It felt like something in a movie. That picture-perfect moment when two people realize that they both feel the same way about each other. Only this wasn’t a moment where we were expressing our undying love for each other. We were only admitting that we were best friends. However, to me that meant everything. Maybe even more than just love. Best friends were there for life. Best friends were worth more than anything else in the world.

  “We should make a blood pact.” Jacob grinned at me and I stared back at him in shock.

  “What?”

  “I’m joking.” He laughed and ran his fingers across my hair lightly, his fingers getting tangled in my curls. “I don’t drink blood anymore.”

  “Jacob.” I rolled my eyes at him. “You’re such a goof.” I reached up and touched his hand as he pulled his fingers through my curls. Our fingers touched for a few seconds and we both just smiled at each other.

  “I know. You keep telling me that.” He gave me a sly smile and winked at me.

  “What?” I said, wondering why he was winking at me and wondering if he thought he looked cool. I smiled to myself at the thought that he had no idea how goofy he looked.

  “Can I stay here tonight?”

  “What do you mean?” I asked him slightly confused as my heart started racing.

  “I was wondering if I could spend the night in your bed.”

  “Um, what?” My face grew red. “I don’t know what you’re asking.”

  “Nothing dirty, you pervert.” He poked me in the arm. “I just thought it would be nice for us to talk and you know . . .” His voice trailed off and I could have sworn that he looked slightly embarrassed.

  “No, I don’t know?” I giggled. “What?”

  “Maybe we could cuddle?”

  “You want to cuddle?” My jaw dropped, and it was my turn to poke him in the arm. “Really?”

  “Well, not if you don’t want me to.” He sounded unsure of himself. “I don’t want you to if you don’t want to. I’m not a leper or anything though. And I don’t smell. At least I don’t think I do.” And with that, he sniffed under his arms. “Yup, I don’t smell.”

  “Jacob!” I exclaimed as I burst out laughing. “I cannot believe you just smelled yourself.” I wrinkled my nose at him and shook my head. “What are you doing?”

  “I think it was pretty apparent what I was doing.” He wiggled his nose. “Should I smell you as well? Make sure you pass the test?”

  “No thanks.” I rolled my eyes. “You’re really too much. You know that, right?”

  “Sage, you sound like a parrot.”

  “A parrot?”

  “You keep repeating the same things.” He laughed at me as I shook my head at him. “Move over.” He pushed me over slightly as he grabbed the bed sheets.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Getting under the covers.” He grinned as he pulled the covers down and crept under the sheets next to me. He put his arm up around me and turned to gaze at me with a teasing smile.

  “I didn’t say you could stay.” I stared at his perfect white teeth and made a face at him.

  “Oh, I guess I just assumed it would be okay, then.”

  “You assume a lot of things, Jacob.”

  “I gu
ess it’s a good thing that we’re best friends then, isn’t it?”

  “Uh huh,” I said and lay back on the pillow. “I guess so.” I felt content as we lay there side by side, not talking, but enjoying each other’s company. It was such a nice feeling to have the warmth and companionship of someone next to me. I almost felt like I was normal and capable of having a normal relationship. I almost felt as if I belonged to something or someone. It was a nice feeling. It was a feeling I’d never had before. It was a feeling that I never wanted to lose. Before I knew it, Jacob had fallen asleep and was snoring gently. I looked over at him and watched his face. He looked so peaceful and calm while he was sleeping. So innocent and sweet. He no longer looked like the handsome arrogant boy I’d always thought him to be. He now seemed to be so much more than that.

  I knew that my opinion of him had changed because he was now in my heart, but for some reason that didn’t scare me. I felt my eyes closing as my body wanted to drift off to sleep. I was just about to fully give in to everything when I felt his hand reaching over and gripping mine. I looked at his face to see if he had woken up, but he was still asleep. I smiled at him and his unconscious body and held his hand in mine. It felt soft and warm and my fingers interlocked with his firmly as I snuggled up next to him. I rested my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes and just listened to his heartbeat for a few seconds before I found myself falling into a deep sleep.

  Chapter Three

  “I still remember the first day that we met, Sage Weston.” Jacob stroked my cheek as we lay on top of his bed, my head on his arm, resting against his shoulder and his head on the soft plush pillow that I’d gotten him for his birthday.

  “I still remember the first day that we met as well, Jacob Phillips.” I smiled up at him, my heart filled with love as he gazed at me tenderly.

  “Do you remember the way you glared at me?” He touched the tip of my nose lightly before kissing it.

  “How can I forget?” I giggled. “I knew at first sight that I was going to hate you.”

  “Yet, you still gave me a chance to be friends.”

  “And we wrote those letters.”

  “And, yes, we wrote those letters and became best friends.”

  “And now, here we are,” I said, feeling the happiest I’d ever felt in my life. “It makes me nervous though,” I said staring at him and stroking the hair away from his forehead.

  “What does?” He blinked at me.

  “How happy we are,” I said. “It doesn’t seem real. I mean here we are. We’re still teenagers, yet I feel like we’ve found true happiness.”

  “It shouldn’t make you nervous.” He leaned forward to kiss me. “We’ve been through a lot in our lives. This should make us feel good. This should make us realize that life doesn’t always have to suck. There are ups and downs in life and we just have to realize that things don’t always go as planned.”

  “Nothing in my life has ever gone as planned,” I said, trying not to think about all the years I’d spent by myself with no one to trust or confide in.

  Chapter Four

  Bolts of lightning flashed in the sky and the following cries of thunder seemed like an omen to me. Everything in my life had been going too well. I’d known that I was the happiest that I had ever been and while I’d appreciated all the moments Jacob and I were spending together, I was also nervous about what would happen to stop those moments. I tried not to tell him how I felt, but he already knew because he could read me so well.

  “Hey, Sage, I have something to tell you.” He walked into my room and my heart sank. I was young, but I knew that the words “I have something to tell you” couldn’t be positive ones.

  “What’s going on?” I said as he gave me a quick hug and kiss on the cheek. We had to be careful about how affectionate we were with each other in case someone saw.

  “I got some news today.”

  “Oh? What news?” I stared into his eyes nervously.

  “There’s no easy way to say this.” His face looked sad and it almost made my heart stop. I’d never seen him looking like this before.

  “Just say it.”

  “I got adopted.”

  “What?” I blinked at him. “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, I got adopted.”

  “But you haven’t even been fostered.” I was confused. “And you haven’t met any families? How could you be adopted?”

  “I didn’t want to say anything,” he started, and his face turned red. “But there was one family that came by a couple of times. I didn’t think it meant anything.” His voice trailed off as I just stared at him.

  “You lied to me?”

  “I didn’t lie. I didn’t think it was going to mean anything?” His voice sounded pained. “I really didn’t think I was going to get adopted.”

  “Really?” I looked down at the ground to stop myself from crying. “I mean, that’s great. I’m happy for you.” I took a step back, away from him. “Good for you.”

  “Sage, please. I’m sorry.”

  “No, don’t be sorry. Why would you be sorry?”

  “Sage, this isn’t what I wanted.” He sighed. “I’ll write and visit and maybe I can get them to adopt you as well.”

  “Then we’d be brother and sister.” I made a face. “That would be weird.”

  “Maybe I can get one of their neighbors to adopt you.” He pursed his lips. “No matter what, at eighteen I’m coming back for you. We can be together then. We can do anything that we want.”

  “That’s so far away.”

  “It’s only two years away. I love you, Sage.” He blinked at me. “You do know that, right? You do believe me?” His voice cracked then and I realized that it was the first time I’d ever seen him this emotional and vulnerable.

  “I know that.” I nodded. “I love you too, Jacob.” I gave him a small smile as a tear slid down my cheek.

  “Please don’t cry.” He grabbed my hands. “Oh, my Sage. Please don’t cry.”

  “What do you want me to do?” I shrugged as I wiped the tears away from my eyes. “Laugh?”

  “We could pretend that we just heard the funniest joke in our lives and then go from there.”

  “Shall we just start laughing now, then?” I asked and started to fake laugh. He started to fake laugh as well and before we knew it, we were both laughing for real. It was such a surreal heartfelt moment and as I gazed at him, I felt the immediacy of how much I would miss him. “I’m going to miss you so much,” I said as I reached over and touched the top of his head. “I don’t think you know just how much you mean to me.”

  “I do know.” He grabbed my hand and held it in his. “I know because I’m going to miss you as well. So much. So much more than you’ll ever know.”

  “This isn’t fair.” I bit down on my lower lip, so I wouldn’t start crying again. “I don’t want you to go.”

  “We could run away together,” he said suddenly. “To Florida or New York.”

  “We have no money.” I shook my head. “No, we can’t do that.” I sighed. “I wish we could, but this will be good for you. You’ll finally have a family.”

  “You’re my family.”

  “They can help you with college stuff.”

  “I don’t need help.” He shook his head. “I can’t believe I have to leave.” And then it was his turn to look nervous and scared and I could tell from the look in his eyes that he was about to cry as well.

  “This isn’t the end, Jacob. We’ll be okay. It’s like you said, we only have two years before we can figure out our lives together and do exactly what we want.”

  “I’ll write every week, every day.” He nodded solemnly. “And we can go to the same college. Maybe we can live together.”

  “That would be cool,” I said, all of a sudden feeling hopeful. “We can do this, and I can visit you.”

  “Yeah! I’ll make sure my new family knows how important you are to me. You can come up on weekends and breaks.”

  “I
t’ll be great! We will barely notice that we’re apart.”

  “Exactly. And you can dream about me every night.”

  “Only if you dream about me every night.”

  “I already do,” he said softly, and my heart melted.

  “How did I get so lucky as to meet you, Jacob?” I said, my heart so full it felt like it was ready to burst.

  “God blessed us.” He grinned.

  “I guess . . .” My voice trailed off, my relationship with God still confused in my mind. I wanted to believe, but it was hard for me to reconcile the fact that I’d been abandoned and lonely for most of my life. Why would a loving God do that to me or anyone else?

  “He does exist you know,” Jacob said with a small smile, reading my mind.

  “I guess.” I smiled at him hesitantly. “Sometimes it’s hard for me to believe.”

  “I understand. It can be hard.” He rubbed my cheek. “But that’s why I’m here.”

  “Oh?”

  “I’m a gift from God to make you believe.”

  “Jacob.” I giggled. “Are you saying you’re God’s gift to me?”

  “Better than saying I’m God’s gift to all women.”

  “Jacob.” I started laughing even harder then. “Sometimes I just can’t with you.”

  “But sometimes you can.” He winked at me and then leaned forward and gave me a kiss on the lips. “Sometimes you just can,” he said again and this time his lips didn’t leave mine. This time, my lips pressed against his and I put my arms around his neck and pulled him into me, never wanting to let him go.

  “You promise, right? You promise you won’t forget me?” I gazed into his eyes and my breath caught in my throat as I saw the love in his gaze reflected back at me.

  “I could never forget you. I’ll write every day. And we’ll see each other, and I’ll call. And . . .” His voice cracked then. “I’m going to miss you so much, Sage.”

  “I’m going to miss you more,” I whispered and then I just closed my eyes and held him close. A little voice in my head whispered over and over again, I never want this moment to end. But I knew, as all things end, this moment too, would eventually have to be over.