Carry My Heart

by J. S. Cooper

  “No one,” he said as he turned his phone off and placed it on the night table.

  “She’s obviously not no one.”

  “She’s someone I know from back home.”

  “From after the orphanage?” I asked him, feeling angry and sad.

  “Yes.” He nodded, his eyes searching mine. “Please, Sage.”

  “Please nothing.” I sighed. “I just want to go to sleep. By myself,” I pleaded with him. “I’m just overwhelmed and confused, and I can’t deal with all of this right now.”

  “Okay, I understand.” He gave a deep sigh and I could tell that he wanted to say something else. He paused for a few seconds and looked at me. Our eyes gazed at each other as we stood there silently, neither one of us really knowing what to say to the other. After a few seconds, he gave me a quick peck on the lips. “Just know that I have my reasons for not telling you.”

  “I understand that. But you have to understand that that doesn’t alleviate the pain or hurt.” I sighed and rubbed my forehead. “I’m tired, Jacob. I’m really tired and I just want to go to bed.”

  “Good night, Sage.”

  “Night, Jacob,” I said and slammed the door shut behind him as he exited the room. I lay down in the bed and started crying. How had such a perfect night gotten so bad so quickly? Just ten minutes ago, I’d thought I was about to lose my virginity to him and now. Well now, I just wanted to reverse time and pretend I’d never met him. As I lay there sobbing, all I could think was, who the hell was Kimberly and was she the reason why he didn’t want to tell me why he’d disappeared from my life. And more importantly, had he slept with her? I felt like a knife was digging into my heart as I thought about that. Had Jacob slept with her and given her something he didn’t seem to want to give me?

  Chapter Sixteen

  Sage

  “Thanks for the pancakes.” I picked up my plate and took it to the sink. “They were delicious. I’ll do the dishes. Just put everything in the sink when you’re done.” I spoke politely and avoided eye contact with Jacob. Everything this morning had been so formal, and it was almost like we were strangers again. He didn’t bring up anything from the night before and I didn’t mention anything either. All I really wanted to know was who Kimberly was and I didn’t even really want to know that. I knew that only more hurt could come from getting answers to questions I didn’t even really want to ask.

  “You don’t have to do the dishes.” He shook his head. “I’ll do them.”

  “No, no way. That’s why I’m here, right?” I turned away from him because it hurt too much to look at his face and feel like a stranger again. “I’m your maid or slave or whatever.”

  “I don’t believe in having slaves, Sage.” He came up behind me and put his hands on my waist. “Slaves are bad.”

  “Uh huh.” I turned around to look at him and I took a step to the side to put some distance between us. “So I guess I’m just your maid.”

  “You’re my regular little Cinderella.” He stroked my cheek. “Do you want to sweep the floors first or scrub the chimney out?”

  “Ha ha, very funny.” I had to stop myself from rolling my eyes. “I’ll sweep the floors after I scrub the toilet and change the sheets. Is that all right, sir?” I curtsied to him and he burst out laughing. He was laughing so hard that he was clutching his stomach.

  “Oh Sage, what have I done without you in my life these last few years.” He shook his head and then he held his hand up. “Do not answer that.” He gave me a serious look. “I know you have class today, but I wanted to take you out after class, okay?”

  “Where are we going?” I asked him curiously. “I don’t want to drink.”

  “We’re not going to drink. I wanted to take you down to the beach.”

  “Take me down to the beach and do what?”

  “Make sweet passionate love to you,” he said with a devious look in his eyes and my heart jumped. “Well obviously not, but I want to play you the song I wrote for you, and I want to show you something.”

  “What do you want to show me?”

  “Can’t it be a surprise?”

  “I dunno.” I made a face at him. “I’m not sure I can handle many more surprises.”

  “This will be a good one.” His eyes searched mine, but I looked away from him. I didn’t really know what he wanted from me anymore.

  “If you say so.” I knew my voice sounded surly, but I couldn’t help myself. “So you’re really not going to tell me who this Kimberly person is?”

  “I thought you were going to let it go.” He sighed, and I could feel myself getting angry. What did he have to sigh about? He was the one keeping the secrets from me.

  “This is getting old, Jacob.” I pushed past him. “Like honestly, I don’t really know what the hell you want from me or this situation.”

  “I just want you to let me back into your life and hopefully your heart,” he said, his voice no longer happy. There was a sadness to it that touched me deeply. But I was over it. I wanted to let him back in, of course I did, but if he wasn’t even going to tell me why he’d abandoned me in the first place, what was I to do? I didn’t want to hurt him, but I also knew I couldn’t just move on without knowing exactly what had happened in the past.

  “This is hard for me. This is just so hard for me. I don’t know what you want from me? What do you expect me to say, Jacob? Yeah, let’s start afresh. It’s great to see you again. I don’t care that you just dropped me like I didn’t exist and now expect to pick up like nothing had ever happened?”

  “I don’t know what to say.” His eyes looked bleak and then I watched as he gazed down at the dishes in the sink. “I just want the best for you, Sage.”

  “I want the best for you too, Jacob. I want you to be happy. I want you to smile. It breaks my heart when I look at you and you’re sad, but I don’t know that I can do this. Not anymore.” I shook my head as I looked at him. My hands were starting to feel cold and my body was shaking. I leaned forward and grabbed his head so that I could look into his eyes, even though tears were close to dropping from mine. I wanted to tell him I loved him. I wanted to reach forward and grab his hands and stare into his eyes and tell him I loved him. I wanted him to know that I would never stop loving him, but I was scared. I was scared of his reaction. I was scared of loving him again. Loving him and losing him for reasons unknown. I couldn’t go through it again. In my heart of hearts, I knew that I couldn’t survive loving him and losing him again. “If you can’t open up to me, what’s the point of me letting you back in?”

  “I want to let you in, Sage. There’s just something you don’t know,” he muttered and looked away from me again. I could feel him drifting away from me even though his body wasn’t moving. His legs then started shifting from side to side and a scared feeling entered me. I’d never seen him like this before.

  “What?” My voice was barely a whisper. “What don’t I know?” My heart thudded loudly, so loudly that I was convinced he could hear it. I grabbed his hands. “Please, Jacob, just tell me what it is I don’t know.”

  “That night, that first night, when I saw you at the party . . .” He started, and his voice trailed off. He licked his lips nervously.

  “Yes?” I prodded him.

  “Do you like being here?” He blinked rapidly a few times and then looked around the room, changing the subject abruptly and confusing me even more.

  “What do you mean?” I asked impatiently.

  “Do you like being here? With me?” He started pacing suddenly. “I hold you in my arms for a few moments each day and then late at night when I’m by myself all I think about is you . . .” His voice drifted off. “I don’t want you to hate me, Sage.”

  “Why would I hate you?” I said. “You’re not making sense. Stick with one subject. I’m finding it hard to follow what you’re saying.”

  “I can’t tell you the truth because you will hate me. And because I . . .” He rubbed his eyes and sighed loudly. “Fuck this, man
. I don’t want to keep secrets from you. I really don’t.”

  “So just tell me, please?” I glanced up into his eyes and for a few seconds, I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t see. I couldn’t feel. I felt absolutely nothing, and it scared me. His face at that moment was unfamiliar. He was someone I didn’t know. Was he going to tell me that he loved Kimberly more than me? That he had a connection with her that was greater than what he’d ever had with me? Maybe she had been his first. Maybe he’d lost his virginity to her and they’d forged a connection. I wanted to break down onto the floor and die. He was right. I didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to hear that he loved someone more than me. Maybe he’d come back to make it right with me. Maybe he had a guilty conscience and he wanted to make sure I was all right before he moved on with his life. That was the sort of person that he was.

  “Sage, I . . .” He took a deep breath. “I knew you went here. I’ve seen you around for a while and I’ve been summoning the courage to approach you and try and get back into your life.”

  “Oh?” I frowned at him, slightly confused. “How long?”

  “I’ve known you’ve been here since you enrolled.” He nodded. “I’ve kept track of you from the orphanage.”

  “But you haven’t been in contact with me?” I scratched an itch on my arm and blinked at him. “I don’t really understand, Jacob.”

  “I want you to understand. I really do, it’s just so God dang complicated.” He ran his hands through his hair hastily and I could feel the tension in his body. “I shouldn’t have done this.” He shook his head. “I made a mistake. I’m sorry.”

  “So you’re not going to tell me.”

  “I can’t,” he shouted and then he grimaced. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to shout. I really don’t. I know I shouldn’t be upset. I knew I couldn’t tell you and now you’re going to hate me even more. I should have just left well enough alone.” He clenched his fist and sighed. “Look, if you want to leave you can just go. You don’t have to honor the bet. It’s okay. We can just carry on with our lives like we never saw each other at the party the other night.”

  “Is this because of Kimberly?” My face was hot. “You just want to leave my life again, just like that?”

  “I don’t want to ever leave your life, Sage. I wish you would understand that. I love you. Kimberly means nothing to me.”

  “It doesn’t seem that way to me.” I shook my head and looked down. None of this made any sense. How could he say he loved me when he wouldn’t even open up to me?

  “I know it’s hard for you to understand. I’m not even sure I can expect you to understand. But I want you to know that I’d wait forever for you, Sage. There has never been a moment since we first met that I haven’t known that you were the one. When you smile, my heart expands. When you touch me, my skin is on fire. When we kiss, well when we kiss, time stands still. So really it’s like I’m not even aging. I’m still stuck in the stupor from the last touch of your lips.” He spoke so sincerely that I could feel my lips tingling at his words. It was almost as if he were kissing me instead of just talking.

  “You drive me crazy, Jacob Phillips,” I said as I leaned forward to kiss him. “I don’t understand you and I don’t get you, but I can’t quit you.” I ran my fingers down the side of his face. “I don’t really know what’s going on here, and I don’t really know how to feel, but if I’m being honest, the one thing I do know is that I still care about you and I want you and I don’t want to lose you from my life again.”

  “So what are you saying?” he asked me hopefully and there was such a look of excitement in his eyes that I didn’t have the heart to say anything else, but the next words that came out of my mouth.

  “I’m saying let’s skip class today. Let’s go to the beach. Sing me my song and let’s just enjoy each other’s company.” I couldn’t quite believe the words as they came out of my mouth, but yet there they were. “And for today, we won’t think about the past. Today I won’t ask any questions.”

  “How come?” he asked me, looking genuinely surprised. “I know how much you need answers. How come you’re willing to go.”

  “Do you want me to not go, Jacob?”

  “No, no, of course not. I’m just surprised.” He placed his hand over his mouth and groaned. “I need to just keep quiet now and stop questioning you. Whatever your reason, I’m thankful.”

  “Yes, don’t make me second-guess myself,” I said only half-joking. “So, we going to go?”

  “Do you have a bikini here?” he asked as he thought for a moment. “I have beach towels, but no spare bikinis.”

  “I should hope you have no spare bikinis,” I said and thought about movies I’d seen where the guy just happened to have bathing suits lying around for the heroine to wear. I didn’t know how the women seemed so happy to use those suits in the movies. It would have pissed me off and made me jealous as hell to be wearing some random swimsuit that had been bought for some random girl. Because come on, how many brothers really have bathing suits laying around for when their sister comes to visit? “But no, I don’t have a bikini here. Maybe I can grab one at home before we head out.”

  “Sure, or we can buy you one at Target or something?”

  “No, that’s fine.” I shook my head. I certainly had no money to be wasting on buying a new swimsuit. “I’ll grab one at home. I’m sure Nina will be happy to see me.”

  “She’ll only see you for a few seconds.” He pointed his finger at me. “Don’t go doing one of those girl things where we go for one minute and we’re still there ten hours later. Please.”

  “Jacob.” I laughed as I walked away from him. “That’s so rude and it’s not a girl thing, by the way. Plenty of guys gossip for hours and hours. In fact, some of the people I know who like to chat the most are men.”

  “Oh yeah.” His voice changed. “What men are these then?” He followed me out of the room and walked behind me as I headed to the bedroom.

  “Just guys I’ve met.”

  “How did you meet them?” he asked, trying to be casual, but I could tell he was jealous and that gave me a small thrill.

  “Well, some I met on dating apps, some I met at bars,” I said lightly as I turned away from him and grinned. “You know, the usual.”

  “What?” His voice was louder now.

  “You know.” I turned back around and looked at him, hiding my smile. I looked at him seriously. “Guys that wanted to be with me that I went on dates with and chatted and stuff. They all loved to gossip.” I shrugged. “So I wouldn’t say it was just a girl thing.”

  “How many guys are you dating?” He walked toward me. “Did they all kiss you?”

  “Oh, Jacob.” I couldn’t contain my laughter anymore and started giggling as I rolled my eyes at him. “You’re too easy to wind up. I’m just talking about guys I’ve met in class and stuff.”

  “So you didn’t date them all?” He cocked his head to the side and stared at me for a few seconds. His blue eyes looked serious and it struck me just how much maturer he looked now. He really was all man. There was no boy left in him.

  “No Jacob. I only dated half of them.” I stuck my tongue out at him and he reached forward and pulled me toward him.

  “You’re trying to make me jealous, aren’t you?” He raised an eyebrow at me and gave me a wry smile. “Who knew you had it in you, Sage?”

  “There are a lot of things you don’t know about me, Jacob,” I said quickly as I raised an eyebrow back at him.

  “I’m sure there are.” He nodded. “And I can’t wait to get to know everything there is that I don’t already know.”

  “Uh huh.”

  “Just tell me one thing before we go.”

  “What’s that?”

  “How many other guys have there been?”

  “Been?” I wrinkled my forehead at him. “What do you mean by been? You already know I’m still a virgin.”

  “How many guys have you dated? Kissed? Been in love with?”
/>
  “Do you really want to know?” I asked him, my heart racing. How could I possibly tell him that I’d never loved another guy?

  “I don’t know.” He sighed and shrugged. “I guess I really don’t know if I want to know.” His eyes searched mine.

  “I don’t want to know how many girls you’ve been with, or kissed, or had sex with, or loved . . .” My voice trailed off as a dagger of pain shot through me at the thought of him loving other girls. Could he possibly have loved others? And if so, how many? I didn’t want to know. I just couldn’t handle knowing right now. Everything was still so crazy, and I didn’t even really know where I stood with him. I didn’t want to know about other girls.

  “Let’s change the subject then.” He squeezed my hand. “Let me get my guitar and trunks and then we can head out. Yeah?”

  “Sounds good,” I agreed. “Should I make some sandwiches or something? So we can have a picnic?”

  “No.” He shook his head. “There’s a place I want to take you for lunch.”

  “You don’t have to do that.” I shook my head. “We shouldn’t spend so much money going out. It adds up fast.”

  “It’s okay, Sage.” He smiled at me warmly. “I can afford it.”

  “Oh?” I said, but didn’t ask him to tell me more. I wondered if he had gotten a lot of grants and loans? I knew I was barely making ends meet and I’d gotten a scholarship.

  “Oh indeed.” He winked at me. “Now hurry and get ready. I’m excited to show you this spot.”

  “Yes, Jacob,” I said, almost feeling giddy. I put all worries about skipping class aside. Life was short. Sometimes you just had to let your feelings and gut dictate your actions. Sometimes you just had to go with the flow. Happiness was never guaranteed to any of us and right now I felt happy. Just to be with him. And for now, that was enough. I wasn’t going to question it. I wasn’t going to drive myself crazy. At least for the day. Maybe tonight I’d be back to my normal neurotic self, but right now I was living for the moment. Life was for the living and I wanted to live it with Jacob. Being with him made me feel like I was on top of the world. I was going to concentrate on that feeling. I was going to focus on being happy. Even if that happiness meant later heartache. I’d figure out how to deal with it. I’d done it before. I’d be able to do it again.