by Louis Sachar
Your humble servant,
Gabriel
She stuck the note in her back pocket, then joined her friends out front.
They went to Gabriel’s house.
Laura walked to the front door carrying his shirt. Everyone else hid behind a car parked in the driveway next door. She rang the doorbell.
Gabriel opened the door.
“I came to return your shirt,” said Laura.
He stared at her.
She stepped back, off the front stoop.
Gabriel stepped out of the house, onto the stoop.
“First, I want to show you something,” said Laura. She took another step back, then took the note out of her back pocket.
“What’s that?” he asked.
“The note you wrote me,” she said. “I just want to prove to you that I know you’re the liar.”
Gabriel put his hands on his hips and sighed disgustedly.
“Do you want to see it or not?” she asked. She turned her back on him and stepped out onto the lawn, swishing her hair behind her.
He stepped off the stoop. “I already know what it says.”
“Then you admit you lied.”
“Let me see it.”
She held out her hand. He walked to her and took the note from her. He stepped back to read it, still on the front lawn.
Of course it said exactly what Laura said it said. Gabriel knew it would. It was so obvious that she had changed it. He could even see the eraser marks.
As he was reading the note, Tiffany sneaked out from behind the car and knelt down behind him.
He looked up. “Surprise, surprise,” he said sarcastically. “I guess I was lying all along.”
“Here’s your shirt,” said Laura. She started to hand it to him, then shoved him hard, over Tiffany.
He fell on his back, then Pig City pounced on him. Nathan, Aaron, and Debbie held him down while Kristin and Allison spooned the mustard out of their jars and dropped clumps of it onto his face and clothes.
He struggled helplessly to get free. He started to shout, but closed his mouth just in time to avoid a spoonful of mustard. A glob covered his nose.
Laura sat by his head. “Over here,” she said. “In his hair. I want to give him a shampoo.”
He sneezed, blowing tiny particles of mustard in all directions.
Kristin dumped the rest of her jar out on his head. Laura thoroughly rubbed it into his hair.
Tiffany untied Gabriel’s sneakers and pulled them off his feet. Allison dropped spoonful after spoonful into each shoe. “His socks, too,” Allison said.
They pulled off his socks and filled those with mustard, as well. Then they managed to put his socks and shoes back onto his kicking feet. Allison tied the shoes tight. Mustard oozed out through the holes for the laces.
Both jars of mustard were emptied.
“Let’s get out of here,” said Laura.
They took the jars and spoons and hurried away.
Gabriel lay where he was a moment, then sat up and wiped his face with the shirt that Laura had so thoughtfully returned. He stood and walked into his house. Mustard squished between his toes.
PART THREE
Gabriel’s Revenge
34
Kaput!
Laura was feeling pretty spunky after her victory over Gabriel. On the blackboard she wrote:
PIGS ARE PUNCTILIOUS!
She wasn’t sure, exactly, what punctilious meant, but she loved the way it sounded. She said it out loud. “Punc-til-i-ous!” The word exploded out of her mouth.
She cautiously looked around. She almost forgot she wasn’t allowed to be there. She shrugged it off. Mr. Doyle will never catch me. I’m punctilious!
She thought it meant something like perfect but even more than perfect, super perfect. She walked punctiliously through the school to the outside, whatever that means.
Pig City was waiting for her, fists at noses. She snappily returned the salute.
“When we see Gabriel,” Nathan suggested, “let’s all start calling him Hot Dog.”
Tiffany laughed.
“He won’t come today,” said Laura. “He wouldn’t dare.”
“He’ll never come to school again!” said Debbie.
“Monkey Town is kaput!” said Kristin.
“Ka-put!” Nathan repeated. He liked that word almost as much as Laura liked punctilious.
Her message was still on the board, unchanged, when they all walked into class. Gabriel’s desk was empty.
“Mr. Doyle?” Linzy asked. “What does punctilious mean?”
Mr. Doyle thought a moment. “I don’t know,” he said oddly. “Can anyone tell us what it means?”
Nobody raised a hand. Oh, no you don’t, thought Laura. You’re not going to catch me that easily.
Mr. Doyle asked Linzy to look it up in the dictionary. She reported back that it meant “extra careful.”
“How ironic,” said Mr. Doyle. “I don’t think the person who’s been writing on the board has been very punctilious. In fact, I now know who that person is!”
The class buzzed.
Laura wasn’t worried.
“Who?” asked Linzy.
Mr. Doyle shook his head. “Not yet,” he said. “Tomorrow I will have proof. Twenty-four hours from now I will put the person’s name inside the box! Someone will have to copy sixteen dictionary pages.”
Laura still wasn’t worried.
At recess, Pig City gathered out on the grass. They all talked about what Mr. Doyle had said.
Laura waved it off. “He doesn’t have a clue,” she told them.
“Look!” exclaimed Kristin. “There’s Gabriel.”
Gabriel was walking across the playground toward the school building, whistling.
He walked right by them. “Hello, everybody,” he said. “Did I miss anything important in class this morning?”
They stared at him, dumbfounded.
“Well, I have to go check in at the office and let them know I’m here,” he said. “See you later.” He waved and walked away, whistling again.
The members of Pig City looked at each other.
“What in the world?” said Allison.
“He’s crazy,” said Tiffany.
“Maybe he has mustard on his brain,” said Nathan.
Everyone laughed.
Except Laura. He’s up to something, she thought. For the first time all day, she worried.
The rest of the day, Gabriel acted in the same manner. He said hello to the members of Pig City when he saw them and even tried to talk and joke with them.
“I think he just wants to be friends,” Aaron said during lunch. “He doesn’t have any other friends left.”
“Let him be friends with Howard and Sheila,” said Debbie.
Howard and Sheila were now hanging out together.
Laura didn’t think that was it. Gabriel was up to something. I never should have given him back his note, she thought. She could have kicked herself. He knew what he wrote! I didn’t need to give him the evidence. But now that he has it, what’s he going to do with it?
After school, Gabriel did it again, whatever it was he was doing. “Hi, Laura, Tiffany, Allison,” he said.
They ignored him.
“What’d you think of that history test?” he asked. “That was tough, huh? For me, anyway. I didn’t have time to study very much because I had to take a bath. I had to wash my hair.” He laughed.
“Do you hear something, Laura?” asked Allison. “I don’t hear anything.”
“I think I hear a bug,” said Laura.
“At least it was only mustard in my hair,” said Gabriel. “That’s not too hard to get out. Not like spaghetti, huh, Tiffany?”
“I don’t hear anything, either,” said Tiffany.
“Well, I gotta get going,” said Gabriel. “See you guys tomorrow.” He walked cheerfully away.
“What an idiot,” said Allison.
Laura turned pale. “I have to go ho
me,” she said suddenly.
“What’s wrong?” asked Tiffany.
Laura didn’t answer. She hurried away from her friends and raced home. Gabriel’s words rattled inside her head: “Not like spaghetti, huh, Tiffany?”
It was all starting to make sense to her. That was why he was late for school! She ran, walked, ran, walked, ran until she reached her house.
Out of breath, she walked around the side of the house to the backyard. She stopped just outside the Dog House. She was afraid to enter. She closed her eyes, crossed her fingers, then opened her eyes. She stepped inside.
Everything seemed to be in order. They had cleaned it up after Monkey Town’s attack. She got down on her hands and knees and looked under the bed. The treasure chest was gone.
35
Let’s Make a Deal
Laura picked up a french fry and dragged it through a blob of ketchup on the edge of her plate. Besides french fries, her plate contained a hamburger and corn on the cob.
“Sorry we don’t have anything you like,” said her father. “But don’t worry, tomorrow I’ll make egg salad, liver, and beets, just for you.” He was trying to be funny.
Laura didn’t laugh. “I’m not hungry,” she muttered. She continued to drag the french fry around her plate, leaving a trail of ketchup behind it. She was trying to think of some way to get the treasures back from Gabriel. It seemed hopeless. She was out of tricks.
She wished there were something she could steal from him. Then she’d have something to trade. I never should have given him back the note, she thought. She could have traded the note for the treasure chest. She could have threatened to show it to the whole school. Everyone would know he wanted to kiss her.
That’s it! she thought. Maybe he still wants to kiss me. She knew she was pretty. It was possible Gabriel still wanted to kiss her, even after she mustardized him. She’d seen enough movies to know that men like to kiss pretty women, no matter how rotten they are.
It was worth a try, anyway. “May I be excused?” she asked.
Her parents excused her, but warned her not to come back in thirty minutes looking for something to eat.
“I won’t,” she said. She went into her room and closed the door.
She brought the phone to her bed and pushed the buttons. As she waited for Gabriel to answer, she lifted her cap, shook back her hair, and put the cap back on.
“Hello?” said a girl’s voice.
“Hello, I’d like to speak with Gabriel, please.”
“GABRIEL!” screamed the girl.
Laura took several deep breaths to try to steady her nerves.
“Hello?” said Gabriel.
“Hello, Gabriel, this is Laura.”
There was a moment of silence, then, “Hi, Laura. I was just doing my math homework. Have you started it yet?”
“No. Not yet.”
“It’s pretty easy, except for the last two problems. They’re tricky.”
“Oh. Okay.”
“I hear we’re going to have a movie tomorrow about the solar system. That should be good, don’t you think?”
“I know you have it!” said Laura.
“Have what?”
“You know what.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Laura. Unless you tell me, I can’t –”
Laura sighed. “The treasure chest,” she said. “The Treasures of Pig City.”
“The Treasures of Pig City? Gee, I don’t know. Describe what they look like.”
“I don’t have to describe them for you. You know what they are. You stole them!”
“I asked you to describe them to me,” said Gabriel.
Laura closed her eyes. She knew she had to do whatever Gabriel said until she got the treasures back. She could picture Gabriel smirking at her as she described all the items in the chest, from Aaron’s song to Allison’s rear end.
He made her recite her Declaration of Love word for word.
“I, Laura Sibbie, declare that – now and forever, that I’m in love with, um, my teacher, Mr. Doyle. Um, I dream about him all the time, um, and if I was older I’d like to marry him.” Her face burned.
“Oh, those Treasures of Pig City!” said Gabriel.
“What are you going to do with them?”
“Gee, I don’t know. I thought maybe I’d bring them to school for show and tell.”
“I’ll make you a trade,” Laura offered.
Gabriel laughed. “What do you have that I want?”
“Me,” she whispered.
He laughed harder.
“Please, Gabriel,” she pleaded. “Give them back. I’ll do anything you say.”
“Anything I say?” he asked.
She collected herself. “Within reason.”
“You said, anything.”
“Anything within reason.”
“How do I know I can believe you?”
“You know I never lie!”
“That’s right, I forgot. The note you gave me proved I was the one who lied.”
“If you bring the treasure chest here, now, I’ll do whatever you say, I promise.”
“Gee, I can’t,” said Gabriel. “I’m not allowed out of the house, and none of my friends can come here. You see, I got in trouble for getting mustard all over everything.”
“I’m sorry, Gabriel. Really I am. That was a terrible thing we did to you.”
“Eat a raw egg.”
“What?”
“Eat a raw egg, and you can have your treasures back.”
Laura pulled the phone away from her ear, and covered the mouthpiece with her hand. It could have been a lot worse. She brought the phone back to her mouth and said, “Okay.”
“Go do it.”
“You mean now?”
“Yep.”
“How do you know I’ll really eat one?”
“Like you said, I know you never lie.”
“Okay, I’ll be right back. Hang on.”
She set the phone on her bed and walked out of her room and into the kitchen. Her parents were putting the dishes into the dishwasher. She opened the refrigerator door.
“Now, she’s hungry,” said her father. “I knew it.”
“Well, don’t eat junk,” her mother said to her. “Let me put your hamburger in the microwave.”
She ignored them. She got an egg from the inside of the refrigerator door and set it down carefully on the counter. The refrigerator door swung shut.
She opened the cabinet above the counter and took out a small juice glass. She cracked the egg into the glass.
Her parents watched in awe. “Is this some kind of experiment for school?” asked her father.
She stared at the blob at the bottom of the glass. For just a second, she considered telling her first lie. It would be simple. She could just tell him she ate it; he’d never know.
She held her nose with one hand and lifted the glass with the other.
“Laura!” exclaimed her mother.
Well, at least it’s better than kissing him, she thought. She poured the egg into her mouth and swallowed it whole. It oozed down her throat.
She stuck out her tongue and said, “Ylah.”
She went back to her room and picked up the phone. “Gabriel. Are you there?”
There was no answer.
“Gabriel!” she shouted.
“I’m here,” he said quietly.
“I did it. I ate a raw egg.”
“Good for you, Laura.”
“When do I get the treasures back?”
“Soon.” He hung up.
She set down the phone. She hoped she could trust him. She had to.
She went to the bathroom and brushed her teeth for ten minutes.
36
Rule # 1
Never eat a raw egg before going to bed.
Laura tossed and turned all night. She had all kinds of crazy, frightening nightmares.
She dreamed she had come to school naked. She had been worrying so much
about Gabriel and the Treasures of Pig City that she hurried to school without remembering to get dressed. It was all the proof Mr. Doyle needed. As soon as he saw her without her clothes, he knew she was the one who had been writing on the board.
In another dream, she was chased by a horrible monster who wore big red glasses just like Kristin’s. At first she thought the monster was cute, but then realized that the glasses were Kristin’s. The monster had eaten her!
But the dream that scared her the most was the one where she saw her Declaration of Love printed on the front page of the morning newspaper. That wasn’t the scary part. When she read it, it didn’t say she was in love with Mr. Doyle. It said she loved Gabriel!
She awoke in horror. It must have been the raw egg, she decided. I’ll never eat a raw egg before going to bed again.
She went to school, sneaked into Mr. Doyle’s room, and wrote PIGS WEAR SHOES! on the blackboard. She laughed as she imagined pigs walking around wearing shoes and socks. She thought it was her funniest message yet.
“Got you!” said Mr. Doyle. He was sitting at his desk, pointing a camera at her. He snapped her picture. “I warned you I’d have proof today,” he said. “Yet you persisted in being punctilious. Now you’ll have to copy sixteen, no, seventeen pages out of this dictionary.” He held up the large hard-cover dictionary. It had twice as many words per page as the paperback ones.
“But that’s the good dictionary,” said Laura.
“We’re almost through with it,” said Mr. Doyle. “Just don’t tear out any of the x, y, or z pages. We haven’t studied those yet.” He took a drink from his cup of coffee.
Laura tried to think of some way out. Wait a second, she realized. We haven’t been studying the dictionary.
“It’s the raw egg!” she exclaimed.
“What?” asked Mr. Doyle.
“I ate a raw egg last night,” she told him. “This must be another dream. That’s why I didn’t see you when I entered the room. I hadn’t dreamed you yet!”
“Are you sure about that, Laura?” asked Mr. Doyle.
She nodded. Uh-oh! she worried. She looked down, afraid she was naked again, but glad to see that this time at least she had clothes on. Then she noticed what she was wearing. It was her sister’s purple and pink muumuu.
