Rogue Planets

by M. D. Cooper

  When he realized that she wasn’t going to reply, he grunted in annoyance. “Cat got your tongue?”

  “Funny,” she snorted. “Like Ramsey and Vampy haven’t said that to me a thousand times already.”

  “I could try a new one. Umm…corset too tight?”

  The CatWoman™ glanced down at the corset that was a part of her trademark outfit. Compared to what she used to wear as a part of her pilot’s gear, it was barely tight at all. She suspected that was so she could slink about better.

  “Nah,” she shrugged. “Could be tighter.”

  The corset suddenly drew in, crushing her waist by at least ten centimeters.

  “Nghhhhhhhh,” The CatWoman™ gasped for air. “Too tight! Too tight!”

  The corset relaxed its grip on her, though The CatWoman™ suspected it wasn’t as loose as before.

  Porty had a hand over his mouth, snickering at her discomfort. “I always did think that the Fairly Goodmothers had a bit of djinn in them.”

  “Oh yeah?” The CatWoman™ asked, still leaning on the counter, catching her breath. “So how is it that Cindy gets the shoes that let her wear whatever she wants, but I get the costume that only comes with a corset that tries to kill me?”

  Porty shrugged as he turned back to stirring the mixture in the pot. “Well, for starters, you’re not wearing a costume, you are The CatWoman™. CinderellaNOT-™’s shoes aren’t Fairly Goodmother magic, they’re Council magic. The Council is who gave the Goodmothers their magic. That means Cindy’s shoe-magic is older and deeper.”

  The CatWoman™ folded her arms and pouted. “Of all the people to get the cool stuff, why’d it have to be her? BAMF was such a jerk.”

  Porty glanced at her and laughed. “You know…for someone who’s supposed to be badass, you sure pout a lot.”

  She stuck her tongue out at the dwarf. “Ever seen a cat? They’re very sulky creatures.”

  “I don’t think you’ve ever seen a cat,” Porty countered. “Although…they are known to have hissy fits and then mope about. I suppose that fits.”

  “Whatever.” The Catwoman™ waved a hand to dismiss the entire conversation. “So, what’s in the pot?”

  Porty gestured at the brown mixture with pride. “This is my great-great-grandmother’s famous stew. Best stew you’ll ever have. A bit tricky to make, though. You have to stir it constantly for about seven hours.”

  The CatWoman™ stretched a claw out toward the bubbling mixture to get a taste, but Porty swatted her hand away—nearly falling off his stool again in the process.

  “Don’t! You can’t until it’s ready—you’ll ruin the full experience.”

  She pulled her hand back and cradled it, resuming her pout.

  “That won’t work on me,” Porty warned, waving his spoon at The CatWoman™. “I’m immune to human women’s wiles.”

  A piece of meat flew off the spoon, and Kitty darted to the side, catching it in her mouth.

  “Maybe…but you’re not immune to a bit of needling.” She licked her lips, then turned and sauntered out of the galley.

  Stopping at the doorway, she glanced back and saw him staring longingly after her.

  Immune my ass, little dwarf. She chuckled and slinked around the corner before doing a little happy dance. Being The CatWoman™ is the best thing ever!

  “Messing with the dwarf?” Vampy asked as she walked by, a look of disgust on her face.

  “Yeah, it’s fun!” The CatWoman™ giggled. “What’s up with you, though? Turn that frown upside down!”

  “It’s the smell…cooked meat has an utterly repulsive odor. I can barely stand the thought of going in there to warm up my blood.”

  The CatWoman™ shrugged. “Your loss. That stew smells amazing.”

  Vampy sighed. “I really try not to think about it. I miss food.”

  “You hardly ever ate before, anyway. I think being a vampire suits you.”

  “Hey!” Vampy swatted at her. “I ate plenty. I just have a slow metabolism—well, had. Now I think I drink a gallon of blood a day. I wonder if there’s some sort of protein stabilizer I could find. Other vampires must have solved this issue.”

  “Yeah, but you’re not ‘other vampires’,” The Catwoman™ held up her clawed index finger and swished it side to side. “They were made into suckers through mods and DNA shit. You’re an actual, real vampire.”

  Vampy took a step closer. “I hate to break it to you, Kitty, but it was technology that did this to us, too. There is no magic.”

  “Oh?” She arched an eyebrow. “You know of some tech that can instantly turn you into a vampire, or turn me into The CatWoman™?”

  “Well, no, but I haven’t seen all—”

  “Bah,” The CatWoman™ admonished, making a pinching motion with her fingers to silence Vampy. “You’ve not only never seen tech like that, but you’ve never even heard of it.”

  Vampy opened her mouth to speak, but Kitty held up a hand once more, putting it right in Vampy’s face.

  “Deny it all you want, but this is magic, and we’re stuck like this.”

  “Yeah,” Vampy said with a nod. “You’re right about the second part. My mednano says there is nothing wrong with my body, but the table in the medbay can’t even scan me. Just reports me as a big bunch of nothing.”

  The CatWoman™’s eyes grew wide. “Right, because it can’t scan magic. You’re proving my point.”

  “You’re exhausting, and I’m thirsty,” Vampy grumbled, turning and walking into the galley. “Go revel in your magicness.”

  “I will. The reveling is well underway,” The CatWoman™ shot back.

  Except she was terribly bored.

  She’d already been bored when she entered the galley, and while needling Porty and arguing with Vampy had given her a few minutes’ enjoyment, she was back to wishing there was something to do.

  “Three weeks in the dark layer to get to planets we can’t even go out on, just ‘cause the colonel thinks we’re too weird now,” she muttered while flopping onto the rec room’s couch—carefully. She’d had more than a few painful incidents from flopping onto her tail.

  Laylani said, her tone comforting.

  “Right?” The CatWoman™ asked. “And Vampy’s not that weird, either. She can button up her coat and hide her fangs if she has to.”

 

  The CatWoman™ looked around at the rec room, which was cleaner than she ever recalled seeing it before the trip to the Disknee World. “I thought you said that the ship is much cleaner now that most of us don’t shed skin cells anymore.”

 

  The CatWoman™ chuckled, still able to catch a whiff of his particular pong. “Point taken.”

  Laylani brought up a map of the surrounding area on Allaran.

  “What about Porty?” The CatWoman™ asked. “Won’t he just make a mess while you’re cleaning up?”

 

  A giggle escaped The CatWoman™’s lips. “Ha! You need to record that for me.”

 

  The CatWoman™ snorted. “That’s what she said.”

  No sooner had the words left her lips than Vampy walked into the rec room, a steaming mug of blood in her hands.

  “I might have heard that and said that more than once.” She turned to the map hovering in the air, and
looked it over before turning back to The CatWoman™. “Cabin fever?”

  “Extreme.”

  Vampy gave a jerk of her head toward the map. “Mining town?”

  “Yeah.”

  The vampire straightened her bright yellow coat. “Give me five. I’ll grab my guns, and pour this blood into a thermos.”

  RED AND THE SKI RUN

  STELLAR DATE: 04.06.8949 (Adjusted Years)

  LOCATION: Some Ski Resort

  REGION: Allaran, Crossbar System, Alkaid Void

  “I can’t believe you’re not cold,” Gemma said as the two women waited for the ski lift to pick them up.

  Cindy shrugged nonchalantly, hoping she looked more relaxed than she felt. Small talk was definitely not her thing. “This ol’ thing? It’s just a vacuum-rated skinsuit. If it can keep me toasty in space, then some fluffy, puffy snow won’t be a problem.”

  She had taken Ramsey’s advice and just given in to CinderellaNOT-TM’s way of speaking. So far, Gemma hadn’t seemed to find it odd—or if she did, she hadn’t batted an eyelash at it.

  “I’d love to get one like it, it looks fantastic…” Gemma said, looking Cindy up and down. “Though how is it vacuum-rated, showing that much cleavage?”

  “Uhhh…” Cindy looked down at her ample breasts, and wondered the same thing. “Er…the helmet slots into the suit.”

  “Huh, that’s pretty interesting. I’d love to see the helmet.”

  “Me too,” Cindy nodded as the lift came around behind them and picked them up. “I don’t know where it is right now—I didn’t really buy the outfit for going out in space.”

  At that, her white catsuit began to creep up her chest and along the back of her neck—apparently under the impression that it needed to protect her from hard vacuum.

  No! Stop, go back down, you silly thing.

  Her outfit retreated to its prior configuration, and Cindy hoped that Gemma hadn’t noticed the almost-transformation.

  “I don’t blame you,” the other woman said as she looked out over the mountainside. “There’s not much to do in space around here. No other planets, except for Crossbar. And you wouldn’t get me over there for all the credits in the galaxy.”

  “Oh?” Cindy asked. “I don’t know much about it. My husband just stopped here because neither of us have ever seen rogue planets. We saw that yours was terraformed and Crossbar wasn’t—I mean, what silly billy wants to live under a dome?—so we came here. At first, I wasn’t sure about the cold, but then I remembered this outfit, and I’ve really wanted a good reason to wear it.”

  Gemma gave a throaty chuckle. “I don’t blame you. I’d like to wear you—er, it, too.”

  Cindy glanced at the woman in red to see that her cheeks matched her hair.

  A freudian slip? she mused.

  “I do wonder, though,” Gemma asked a moment later, her gaze settling on Cindy’s ski boots. “Where did you put those adorable clear shoes of yours?”

  Cindy had worried about the same thing, but when she had pulled the new footwear on, her slippers somehow managed to fit, and—thankfully—didn’t dissolve the boots.

  “They’re attached to the outfit, so they’re inside the boots,” Cindy answered honestly.

  One thing she’d learned about being CinderellaNOT-TM, was that lying was exceedingly difficult.

  “Really?” Gemma frowned. “With those heels?”

  Cindy leaned over and whispered in her ear. “Well, it’s a magical outfit.”

  Gemma glanced at Cindy, giving her a look that was half ‘are you crazy?’ and half ‘are you messing with me?’ before deciding it was the latter and bursting out laughing.

  “You’re a real card, Cindy,” the president’s wife said as the lift crested a rise and carried on up the mountainside. “So much more fun than the hum-glums that are usually around here—and your way of speaking seems infectious!”

  “Thanks,” Cindy smiled. Being Cindy and having people be nice to me is a lot better than being Baa…Baaaaa. Stars, I can’t even think my old name anymore!

  “Well, either way, I’m glad you came to Allaran, Cindy. You’re going to make my vacation a lot more fun. Yours will be, too. You would have had a terribly boring time with the people on Crossbar.”

  “Oh?” she asked, not fighting the squeak in her voice. “What’s so awful about the people on Crossbar? I would have thought your two worlds would be bestest friends, out here all alone.”

  Gemma gave a derisive laugh. “You’d think so, wouldn’t you? But we’re not, not by a long shot. For starters, they’re suckers.”

  “They’re easily fooled?” Cindy asked innocently, then realized what Gemma meant, and almost banged her head against the back of the seat in frustration as a vision of Vampy flashed in her mind.

  “No!” Gemma snorted and wrapped an arm around Cindy. “Oh my stars, you’re such a treat, aren’t you? I think you’re my favorite person ever.”

  A feeling of warmth and happiness welled up in Cindy unlike any she’d ever felt before. It was countered—though only a little—by anger at being loved only because she was turning into a moronic bimbo.

  A thought entered her mind that maybe it was necessary, to overwrite how much of a poopy pants she’d been in the past.

  No! I get to decide who I am. Forcing down the thought of doing penance as an idiot, she smiled at the other woman. “Umm…thanks, Gemma.”

  In response, the president’s wife slid closer, keeping her arm around Cindy and not speaking.

  “So, uh…then did you mean the people on Crossbar are icky vampires?”

  Gemma nodded. “Yeah, that’s why they don’t use fusion suns like we do for light. They happily live in their darkened domes. And now, they’ll get to find out what it’s like to live in dark and cold domes.”

  “Oh? Why’s that?”

  Gemma shifted on the seat, rocking the lift enough that Cindy gripped the sides of the rather flimsy contraption.

  “OK, Cindy, you seem like a really nice woman, so I know you’ll keep a secret, right?”

  “Cross my heart and hope to die, stick a plasma torch in my eye,” she recited, drawing a cross over her chest.

  Gemma giggled. “Stars, Cindy, you’re like a little girl. OK, a long time ago, when our ancestors first came to these worlds, we were given gifts, special devices that would keep our worlds warm and habitable—which you can see by the fact that Allaran used to have summers.”

  She gestured at the treetops below them, and Cindy nodded. “I’d been oh so curious about where those came from. So there’s no summer here anymore?”

  “Well, there will be again, now. Some places are already having their first thaw in years.”

  “What happened to end your lovely summers?” Cindy asked.

  Gemma’s expression darkened. “Crossbar. They stole our energy device and plunged our world into a years-long winter.”

  “Oh, that’s horrible!” Cindy exclaimed. “How did you ever manage to survive?”

  “You’re so adorable, Cindy.” Gemma laughed and snuggled up against her. “Well, we had our suns to help. We tried to negotiate with Crossbar, but eventually discovered that they’d broken their device somehow, which is why they stole ours.”

  “What a dreadful chain of events.” Cindy shook her head in dismay. “But now they’re freezing over there again, aren’t they?”

  Gemma snorted. “And good riddance, I say. We tried to work something out with them, suggesting swapping the device to give us summers, and letting them store energy for the times they didn’t have it. But nope! They claimed they had no idea what we were talking about when we brought up our stolen property.”

  Cindy shook her head at such stubbornness. “How did you get your little device back?”

  Gemma shot her a devious look. “We stole it, just like they did from us. They’ve tried to get it back again and again, but so far, they’ve had no luck. Mind you, if it keeps going like this, it could come to war—but my husband says they’
d lose. We have the device, and we have more ships. Because their world doesn’t have a terraformed surface, all we have to do is crack the domes on their cities, and they’ll die.”

  “Oh, Gemma,” Cindy pursed her lips, genuinely dismayed that these two worlds had come to the conclusion that destroying one another was the only viable solution to their problems. “That’s simply dreadful. All those people would d-d-d go poof.”

  “Well,” Gemma shrugged. “They’re not really people. They’re vampires. All into blood and sucking, and all that shit. Freaking weird.”

  “I have a friend who’s a vampire,” Cindy said quietly. “She’s really quite nice.”

  The ski lift made it to the top of the mountain, and the two women slid off their seats and down the gentle slope to the top of the ski hill.

  “Well, she’d better not come here. Vamps don’t get a warm welcome on Allaran.”

  She grinned at Cindy and pulled her goggles down. “Enough sobering talk. Are you ready to have some fun?”

  Cindy nodded while wishing there was Link access on the top of the mountain to relay all this intel to the colonel. “You bippity bet! Last one to the bottom has to buy the first round of hot cocoa.”

  “Cindy,” Gemma said with a laugh, “where have you been all my life?”

  If she only knew….

  VAMPY & KITTY’S NIGHT OUT

  STELLAR DATE: 04.06.8949 (Adjusted Years)

  LOCATION: Random Mining Town

  REGION: Allaran, Crossbar System, Alkaid Void

  Vampy clenched her jaw and took a deep breath as Kitty admonished her once more to hide her fangs. She wondered if the Fairly Goodmothers’ ‘magic’ would let her get a mod to retract her teeth all the way.

  “I’m doing my best,” Vampy said while keeping her mouth closed and barely opening her lips. “I don’t get why I have to hide being a vampire. Lots of people are into this. In some places, it’s almost normal.”

  She kept her voice low, even though the street they were walking down was nearly deserted.

  “You never know, Vampy,” Kitty raised a hand in a half shrug. “People are weird. I mean…the fact that everyone here lives on a planet of perpetual winter is strange enough. Who knows what gets under their skin?”