Secret Lives

by Diane Chamberlain

  “The happiest memory of my childhood was when I was about eight. Kyle and Lou came to the States and took me to Washington, D.C., for the weekend. We went to the zoo and the natural history museum and a puppet show. I fantasized that they might take me with them and I wouldn't have to go back to Lynch Hollow, back to Susanna and my grandfather. We had a hotel room with a double bed for them and a twin for me. The last night we were there, they thought I was asleep and they were talking about me, about how unhappy I seemed, and I thought, oh God, they hate me. The next day I tried to act happy and perky—I wanted them to like me so much they'd keep me, but of course they didn't.” She stopped, bit her lip. “I'm sounding pathetic.”

  Ben ran the back of his fingers up her arm. “You had a lot to overcome.”

  “Once I was in the orphanage, I gave up completely. But when Kyle and Lou found out where I was they took me in after all.”

  “You must have been very happy.”

  “I was afraid to be happy. I thought it wouldn't last, that they'd send me away one day. I know now that wasn't ever their intention, but I never could relax. I was a good kid up until my senior year when I finally got the courage to join the Drama Club. I was in my element then, and I stopped caring about anything else. I met a lot of people and suddenly had friends and a social life. There were a few guys in the club who were pretty rowdy. They smoked a lot of dope and played around with other drugs. And they were very attentive to me. It didn't take much to seduce me back then because I was dying to be held and loved and”—she sighed—“whatever. I starting sleeping around. Kyle knew what was going on. These guys would come to pick me up, and they'd be polite as hell to him, but he could see right through them.” She laughed. “After reading the journal I know why. He wasn't so different himself. So my grades started slipping, and Kyle finally said that as long as I was living under his roof I couldn't go out with these particular guys any longer. I started sneaking around. Lying all the time. And then I got pregnant.”

  “No,” Ben said.

  “I didn't even know whose baby it was, but I told the guy who was the most likely candidate—his name was Tex—and he said I had to get an abortion. I didn't want to abort that baby”—her hand moved to her stomach—”but I couldn't see any way out. I felt like I was abandoning my own child, the way I was afraid of being abandoned myself.” Her eyes filled. “Kyle and Lou don't know about any of this.”

  “They would have understood. I don't think you needed to go through it all without them.”

  “Oh, God, we weren't getting along at all then. I was a bitch. I'd swear at them, tell them I hated them. I was determined to hurt them before they could hurt me. After I graduated, I went to NYU and lived at home, but I was still seeing Tex. He was an extremely attractive psychopath.” She tensed at the memory of how easily she'd been drawn in by him. “He had long blond hair and he wore all white and rode a big black Harley.”

  “Strange.”

  “One day he asked me if I'd like to go to California with him. That was my dream, California. I wanted to be a movie star and I knew I had to be there to make that happen. So I said yes. Kyle and Lou thought I hadn't seen Tex in months, but I'd actually seen him every day, and had an abortion to boot. Well, Kyle was out of town…” She shivered and Ben pulled the spread up from the foot of the bed and tucked it around their shoulders. “I packed my toothbrush and a change of clothes. I waited until Lou was asleep; then I called Tex to come get me. I left Lou a note. I wrote that I was going to California with Tex and that I'd let them know when I got there. I left the note on the kitchen table. Lou must have heard me leave. She found the note and—in her nightgown and robe—got into her car to follow us.”

  “Oh, Jesus,” Ben said. He knew where this was going now.

  Eden rolled onto her back and looked up at the dark ceiling. “She caught up with us at the first stoplight. She honked the horn and started to get out of the car, but Tex took off again and she took off after us. I thought she was crazy to do that. I thought she was so angry with me she was going to this insane length to catch up to me so she could kill me. It never occurred to me then that she was afraid for me, that she wanted to keep me from making a huge mistake, wrecking my life. Tex was laughing, going faster and faster, zipping around corners, and Lou was keeping up with him. At first I wanted to get away from her, but then I got scared. I started worrying about her. We were moving way too fast.

  “Then all of a sudden there was a crashing sound behind us. Tex stopped the bike and I jumped off. The sound—the crashing metal sound—wouldn't stop. At least in my memory it goes on for minutes while Lou's car and a big black station wagon tie themselves together in the middle of the intersection. Then Lou started screaming. Tex said, 'Let's get out of here,' and I said no and he took off without me. I ran over to the car. The guy in the station wagon was dead, but I didn't know that till much later. I didn't even notice him then. I just wanted to get to Lou. I opened her door and started to pull her out, but her legs were pinned. There was a chunk of metal slicing into her leg and blood all over her robe and the floor of the car. She was screaming for me to help her.” Eden stopped. She felt sick again, as she had in the Italian restaurant earlier that evening. She swallowed hard against the nausea. Next to her Ben was so still that she couldn't even feel him breathing. “The police were there very quickly, and an ambulance. Sirens everywhere. Just as the cops pulled up the other car burst into flames, so they had no choice but to pull Lou out with that piece of metal cutting into her leg, practically cutting it off right there.” Eden covered her ears with her hands. “I'll never forget her screaming. I got sick to my stomach and the police thought I'd been in the car with her. And that's what we told them. And Kyle.”

  “Why would you tell Kyle you were with her?”

  “I rode with Lou in the ambulance, and all I could think about was what Kyle would say when he found out I'd caused all this by running off with Tex. I held Lou's hand and I kept saying to her over and over again, 'Please don't tell Kyle.' It was the most selfish thing I've ever done. And she kept my secret. She let him think we were both in the car, going to the store. She was in her nightgown and I was going to run in and get whatever it was we needed. We had to keep talking about what a miracle it was I wasn't hurt. When Lou got out of the hospital I moved into the dorm. I couldn't stand to see her struggle to get around and know it was my fault. But it still wasn't far enough away, so the first chance I got I left for California. That time I didn't bother with a note.” She closed her eyes. “I didn't even say good-bye.”

  From far below them Eden could hear the sound of traffic. Car horns. Brakes squealing. She wished Ben would say something. She put her hand on his chest. “Ben?”

  He squeezed her hand and set it on her hip. “I need to get up.” He stood up, and the cool air hit her side for a second before the spread fell back over her. He was so quiet. He pulled on his jeans, zipped the fly, and snapped them closed. Then he sat down in the chair next to the window. Cool white moonlight caught the edge of his jaw and spilled onto his bare chest.

  She sat up, hugged her knees. “What are you thinking?” she asked.

  “Just stunned.”

  “It's an ugly story.”

  “Lou loved you very much.”

  “And I repaid her by avoiding her. Avoiding both of them. I married Wayne practically the day after I met him so I'd feel safe out there, like I had a home and didn't need to come back to Lou and Kyle. And I think I also married him so that when I did visit Lou and Kyle I wouldn't ever have to be alone with them. This visit—this is the first time I've been alone with them in all these years.”

  Ben's arms were folded across his chest and he stared at the corner of the bed. The minutes ticked on without either of them speaking, and she knew she had said far too much.

  She tightened her hands around her knees. “Are you coming back to bed?” she asked.

  He looked over at her and she wished it were light enough to read his face. “
I can't imagine what it's been like all these years for Lou to keep the truth from Kyle. The strongest thing in that relationship has always been their honesty and openness.”

  “I know.”

  “It would be a wonderful gift to her. If you told Kyle.”

  “Ben, I can't. It was so long ago. I'm trying to make it up to them in the present. I'm really trying. But I have to leave the past alone.”

  He looked back to the window and after a minute she lay down again, pulling the spread up to her chin. She closed her eyes, wondering if he was going to sit in the chair the entire night and leave her with only her guilt as a bed partner.

  She woke to find the bed awash in sunlight. She turned her head to see Ben sleeping next to her, his forehead lined with a frown. In the light of day she felt exposed. The room was filled with the secrets the safety of the night had drawn from her. She should have kept it all to herself, as Lou was doing. Kept it their shared burden. Now she had made it Ben's as well. On this sun-filled morning, she felt defined by this one act in her life. She was selfish, ungrateful, cowardly.

  She had a sudden longing for Santa Monica, for her simple house on the ocean, for the ability to pull a role over her head when she got out of bed in the morning. If she had one of the scripts Nina had sent her, she would start reading it right this second. She would give anything to be able to make believe.

  She got out of bed and into the shower. Her head was lathered in shampoo when Ben stepped in beside her and took her in his arms. “I woke up and you were gone,” he said. He pulled her head onto his shoulder.

  She was glad he couldn't see her face so she didn't have to fight the tears. “You said if I told you it wouldn't change your feelings about me,” she said. “But it has, hasn't it?”

  “Yes, it has,” he said. “It makes me love you more. Now I know that you need me as much as I need you.”

  –31–

  October 3, 1952

  When I came into the house tonight, Susanna told me I had a visitor in the parlor. I went into the parlor where Kyle was speaking with a young man I'd never seen before. They both stood up when I walked in.

  “Here she is,” Kyle said. “Seth, this is my sister, Katherine Swift. Kate, this is Seth Gallagher. Waverly Books sent him down here to take some publicity photographs of you.”

  Something happened to me when I looked at Seth Gallagher. It was as though the very sight of him made my knees go weak and my stomach do a somersault. I knew all at once why Matt and I have never been lovers. This feeling has to come first, and dear as Matt is, I feel nothing but friendship when I look at him.

  Seth Gallagher is about Kyle's height and build. As a matter of fact, he reminds me of Kyle—he has the same straight-toothed smile, the same inquisitive look to his eyebrows. But his hair is a little bit darker than Kyle's and his eyes are a sparkling green. He looked surprised when he saw me. I had on a flannel shirt and my overalls, and my hair was tucked up under Daddy's old Stetson hat. I held out my hand to him and he shook it.

  “You're Katherine Swift?” he asked.

  “None other,” I said.

  He laughed. He has this great roar of a laugh that made Kyle and me smile at each other. “I expected someone…I expected…I don't know.” Seth Gallagher was tripping all over his tongue. “I expected a lady. You know, Katherine Swift—the name sounds like it belongs to a real woman.”

  Kyle burst out laughing. He walked behind me toward the kitchen. “She is a real woman,” he said and he flicked my hat off into his hand and my hair tumbled down over my shoulders. I was annoyed with him for doing that, for showing me off like I was a horse he was getting ready for the auction. But Seth's mouth dropped open and I felt the power of being female.

  He stared at my hair. “Is the rest of you that beautiful?” he asked, straight out.

  “Yes,” I answered, just as boldly, and I knew right then I wanted this to be the man to put an end to my long, dreary years of virginity. I am sick to death of being a virgin.

  Kyle leaned against the doorway, looking amused and amazed, with his arms folded over his chest.

  “Seth is staying at the Coolbrook Hotel,” he said. “He just stopped by to meet you tonight and tomorrow he'll be back to take pictures.”

  “Why don't you stay for dinner?” I said, and Seth did not need his arm twisted in the least.

  I felt like a bitch in heat at the supper table as well as later on when Seth and Kyle and I played Monopoly. Seth is so nice-looking and his voice is real lively, though he sounds like a Yankee through and through and Kyle and I couldn't stop ourselves from teasing him about his accent. He is good-natured, though, and teased us back. Especially me. I wanted his attention worse than I've ever wanted anything in my life, and he was generous about giving it to me. His eyes never left me—I could feel him staring at me no matter what I was doing. I began to wish I had on something other than my dusty old overalls.

  Seth is twenty-six. He's from Philadelphia, but he's lived in New York the past four years and he loves the city, which I cannot understand for the life of me, but at this moment I don't care. This has been the most exhilarating night of my life. I can't stop thinking about him.

  Before Kyle went off to the parlor to sleep he stopped in my room. “That boy's going to have nasty dreams about you tonight, Kate, that's for sure,” he said.

  I told him I might have a few myself and chased him from my room. So tomorrow I will see Seth again. I'm so glad Matt picked this weekend to spend in New York. Otherwise he'd be moping around here moon-eyed and I'd feel funny being so brazen with Seth. Seth Gallagher. I love his name. I love his green eyes. I am acting like a love-struck fool.

  October 4, 1952

  I wore my hair in a long braid down my back this morning, and since it was warm, I put on khaki shorts and a white shirt. When Seth arrived with his cameras and tripod, he handed me a box filled with blood-red roses. I shook when I took them out and put them in a vase, they were so beautiful, so red.

  “The only color I could even think of getting you,” he said. He wanted to take my picture where I usually write, but that is either in the cavern or my bedroom. Tempted though I was to let him in my room, I couldn't do it with Susanna around, nor was I willing to let him see the cave. So I suggested the pits.

  It was fun having my picture taken. Seth is so sure of himself and made me feel at ease. On the way back through the woods, he took my arm. “Kate,” he said. “Will you go out with me tonight?”

  I wanted to say yes so badly, but go out? I knew what would happen if I went out—I'd have one of my terrors and make a fool out of myself. “Maybe we could just stay here and play Monopoly again.”

  “No, I want to take you out to dinner and dancing afterwards. There's a band at the Coolbrook Hotel tonight.”

  So I agreed on the condition that Kyle could come too and bring a date. Kyle's not seeing anyone right now, so I wasn't sure he would agree to this, but he did. He's excited for me that I'm actually interested in someone. He can't believe it and neither can I.

  “I want to look sexy tonight,” I told him.

  “You're the only woman in the Shenandoah Valley who can look sexy in overalls, Kate,” Kyle said. We were in my room and he opened my closet and shook his head. “You don't own a single dress.”

  I suddenly wanted more than anything to wear a dress. I wanted to shave my legs and wear nylons.

  Susanna spent the afternoon hemming one of her dresses for me to wear. Susanna is a quiet person who usually keeps her distance from me, but this afternoon she's been by my side every minute, helping me get ready for tonight. I'm even borrowing her nylons and garter belt and a special strapless brassiere that wraps around my ribs and makes it hard to breathe. Just what I need is to have more trouble breathing than usual.

  The dress is beautiful. It is black and hugs my body and the long sleeves and yoke are made of a black lacy material. It's cut to a V in front and the tops of my breasts show.

  “That dress loo
ks better on you than it does on me,” Susanna said as she fiddled with the neckline. “You have more cleavage than I do.”

  When I was completely dressed I stared at the stranger in the mirror. I tugged the dress a little lower, amazed by how voluptuous I looked. My legs were sleek and gorgeous. Susanna had parted my hair on the side and it looked like a golden waterfall. She put pencil and mascara on my eyes, rouge on my cheeks, and, despite my protests, lipstick on my lips.

  Kyle came into the room, looking fine himself in his gray suit, and the expression on his face when he saw me made my getup worth it even if I didn't go anywhere except back to bed.

  “Holy mother of Christ,” he said. “Even I didn't know you could look this good.” He took my hand and turned me around to get a view of me from every angle. Then he slipped the tips of his fingers under the neckline of my dress and tugged it up an inch or so.

  “Kyle,” I said, “I've spent the last hour getting it just right.”

  Kyle shook his head. “Do you want Seth to spend the entire evening with his eyes on your chest and his mind like oatmeal? Don't be cruel, Kate.”

  “I'm scared,” I said. “I know what's going to happen the second I get there. I'll get dizzy and won't be able to breathe and…”

  “Shh,” he said. “You'll make it happen for sure if you keep thinking about it. I'll be right there with you. You'll be fine.” He checked his watch. “I'd better go pick up Bess.” He hugged me. “I'll be at the hotel by the time you arrive, beautiful lady,” he said.

  Seth picked me up at seven. He was shocked speechless by the way I looked and it wasn't until we were in his car and on the road that he told me I looked “like a movie star,” and that he was “honored” to be with me.

  I didn't feel at all nervous as we drove along and I know it's because he reminds me so much of Kyle. I was even fine when we got to the hotel. Kyle was waiting for us with a very pretty girl named Bess Donner. He was careful to sit next to me at the table in the hotel restaurant. The waitress took our orders and then I got the first little wave of breathlessness. It's hardest for me to just sit. My chest started tightening up like it does. I looked at Kyle and he leaned over and whis-pered in my ear, “You'll be fine, Kate.”