Secret Lives

by Diane Chamberlain

  I spend far less time in the cavern, although I am in it more than Kyle would like, I'm sure. I've tried not to make it Eden's home. My typewriter remains in the house and I just come to the cave to write by hand or to sit and think.

  Despite all this, Eden is just fine. Sara Jane Miller has a little girl named Maggie who is a few months younger than Eden. Susanna's driven Eden over there a few times and Maggie's come here. She's a child with the devil in her, but she plays well with Eden and I can see Eden come to life when she's with her. This little girl can do far more than I can to help Eden over her shyness.

  August 2, 1958

  Today is my thirty-first birthday and I've given myself a present—moving my typewriter into the cavern. What joy to be working in the cool of the cave again, surrounded by the mites and tites! Tonight I will write a letter of apology to Kyle. I'll tell him how well Eden is doing, that if I really felt working in the cave was harming her I wouldn't do it. She loves the cavern too. Yesterday she and Maggie spent the entire afternoon playing in it while I wrote.

  September 1, 1958

  Daddy says I have created a monster in Eden. He says she is “brassy” and “bratty,” all because she took a handful of peas off his dinner plate. I laughed when she did it. I would rather see her be demanding and pushy than cowering and shy any day. But Daddy was furious. He gets angry so easy these days and he cannot leave the bottle alone. He pulled Eden out of her chair by the arm and whacked her across her bottom. He might as well have hit me in the face with the razor strap. I jumped up and started beating on him with my fists, screaming at him never to hit her again. This was the first time Eden's been struck and I had vowed to myself she never would be. I was crazy with anger and Susanna had to pull me off Daddy. He sat down again, all red in the face, and that's when he said Eden was a monster. I told him I would move out (ha!) and he said to stop talking nonsense, that he would never hit her again.

  December 3, 1958

  Kyle and Lou can't make it home for Christmas this year. Kyle is now Kyle Charles Swift, Ph.D. Doctor Kyle Swift! He and Lou need a few more months to finish their work in Peru before Kyle takes his very own expedition to Argentina in June. He said he and Lou will come back to Lynch Hollow for a full month in the spring, before they leave for Argentina. He also said he would like to take a bone from old Rosie in the maze room to send to New York for “carbon dating,” a process that would figure just how old she is. He explained this process in great detail in his letter, but I really don't understand it or believe it works. I am curious to know Rosie's age, but I hate to tamper with her when she's rested peacefully in the cave for hundreds of years. What right do we have to disturb her?

  April 1, 1959

  Well, I guess poor Eden has lost her little friend Maggie on account of me. Sara Jane called Susanna all in a snit that I'd let Maggie play in the cavern. Maggie's come down with pneumonia or worse, Sara Jane says. She's wheezing from bat dung or cave dust or some such nonsense. She said Maggie can't play here anymore, though I hope Sara Jane will still let Eden come over there once Maggie's feeling better.

  Eden has no lack of playmates though. Only thing is, they're all in her mind. I am proud to be the mother of a child with an imagination that rivals my own. She and I are terrific buddies. She talks non-stop these days. There is nothing she doesn't want to discuss. She is so smart. She could give tours of the cave, I believe.

  Kyle and Lou will be here next week for more than a month! Eden doesn't remember them, but she has a thousand pictures of them and shares my excitement when she says, “Unka Kyle and Auntie Lou are coming.”

  April 10, 1959

  Eden was shy with Kyle and Lou but not for long. They arrived the night before last and they had so many presents for her that they were difficult people for my greedy little daughter to resist.

  I insisted that Kyle and Lou take my big double bed this time. I'd made the arrangements in advance so they couldn't argue about it. They'll be here for so long that it's ridiculous for them to have to sleep in those little separate beds down in Eden's room. So I'll sleep down there with Eden which is fine with me. I know she'll end up in my bed every night. Sometimes she tiptoes up the stairs and sneaks into my bed and only if I wake in the middle of the night do I know she's done it. I love finding her there, all sweet-smelling and warm. I wonder then if she comes to me because she needs me or because she knows I need her?

  April 16, 1959

  Saturday, Lou took Eden shopping in town. Eden cried a little when she left me, but she did go, to my relief. When the car pulled away, Kyle put his arm around me and aimed me in the direction of the cavern and I knew then that he and Lou had planned the shopping trip to give Kyle and me a chance to talk.

  It's funny. I rarely think anymore about desire or my needs as a woman. I put all my energy into writing or the digs or mostly, into Eden, and it seems enough to satisfy me. But when Kyle put his arm around me it was as if I was one enormous aching need.

  I sat in the rocker with my hands folded and he sat on the settee.

  “You've done such a good job with Eden, Kate,” he said. “I can see the shyness is much better. I know it hasn't been easy raising her without a father.”

  “She's just fine,” I said, though I was feeling a little guilty since I didn't have much to do with it.

  “I'm still concerned, though,” Kyle said. “I don't think you can see a problem with her because you see her every day. But she's got dark circles around her eyes and her skin is so white. Her nose is always running. The cave is no good for a child, Kate. It's no good.”

  My hands started fidgeting in my lap. I was nervous, not knowing what he was leading up to.

  “I can't let it continue,” he said. “We have to work out a way I can help. It's going to be even worse the next few years because I'll be responsible for an expedition. I don't know when I'll be able to get away. So, I want you to come to Argentina with Lou and me for a visit—I mean a long visit. Several months. Maybe you could come again next spring before Eden has to start school. And then again every summer.

  I was shocked, my mouth hanging open to my knees. “Go to Argentina?” I said. “I couldn't go to Argentina for an afternoon, much less several months.”

  “You made it to New York when you were motivated enough.”

  “That was years ago, Kyle, and I was desperate.” I could see that Kyle had no idea how bad things have gotten for me. I would have to tell him. “I can't even go into Coolbrook anymore,” I said.

  He frowned. “Not at all?”

  I shook my head. I felt so ashamed.

  “Kate, do you understand how important this is for Eden?”

  “Yes.” I knew he was right. She needs sunshine, she needs to meet people. She needs a different mother. I started to cry because I thought I would have to send her with Kyle and Lou, with me staying behind.

  “Kate.” Kyle reached his hand toward me and I moved over to the settee and sat down next to him. He put his arm around me. “It will be so good for both of you,” he said. “You can even bring your typewriter, if you like.”

  “I can't do it, Kyle. A plane ride. Hours and hours in the air?” I trembled just to think of it. “Kyle, I'll die.”

  “No, you won't.” He smiled, not taking me at all seriously. “You'll have Eden with you and you'll have to be strong for her. And you'll be with me. And with Lou. When have you ever felt unsafe with us?”

  “When I'm with you, I want you.” Only as the words came out of my mouth did I know how true they were. I realized just at that moment that I always hope he will be overcome by his longing for me, that he will make love to me again. As I sat there looking at him, his skin so dark, his hair and beard sun-bleached, his eyes Eden's shade of blue, I felt such an ache inside me. I just needed to hold him. I would settle for that.

  I turned and put my arms around him and felt his own arms lock tight around me. His hands pressed against my back and he kissed my neck, then gently pushed me away.

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nbsp; “Katie.” He shook his head at me.

  “I know,” I said. “Lou.”

  “No, it's not Lou. Lou would understand. It's me. In spite of the fact that we got a beautiful daughter out of making love, it was a terrible thing to do. Please don't try to tempt me. Don't make me have to say no to you. I want you to come to Argentina, but I don't want you to come with any expectation of getting more from me than a brother can give.”

  “All right,” I said. “We'll come.” I don't know how I will do it, but I know he is right. I'm not sure which will be harder for me: leaving Lynch Hollow or living close to Kyle without ever touching him.

  May 1, 1959

  Ever since I made the decision to go to Argentina I have seen my little daughter in a new light. For the first time I can see the circles under her eyes, the whiteness of her skin. She is a daily reminder that my decision is the right one. The only one. That's what I tell myself when I start getting scared.

  Kyle took a bone from Rosie's toe yesterday to send to New York, and while he was in the maze room he discovered two other skeletons! He is ecstatic and says someday he'll be working in the Lynch Hollow site again.

  May 9, 1959

  Last night Kyle, Lou, Eden and I sat for hours in the cave talking and listening to a record Kyle had of some Peruvian songs. It was pouring outside and has been for several days. Kyle and Lou have Eden all fired up about visiting Argentina. She is a chatterbox around them now and Kyle said we have to do something about her accent.

  “It's hard to get by in the world when you sound like you're half asleep all the time,” he said.

  Kyle has completely changed the way he talks. He sounds more like Lou now, though his words fortunately still have a softness to them, while Lou always sounds hard to me.

  “I think she speaks just fine,” I said.

  “The word is f-i-n-e, not f-a-h-n,” he said.

  “She'd sound pretty strange talking that way around here,” I said.

  “Well, she's not going to live around here forever.”

  I could see the future laid out in front of me all of a sudden. Kyle would never cruelly take Eden away from me, but he will always be able to offer her something more exciting, something better, than I can. Maybe someday she'll choose to stay with him. The thought made my heart ache and it must have shown in my face because Kyle said softly, “Just take things a day at a time, Kate. Don't worry about tomorrow.”

  Eden was sleepy and he lifted her onto the settee where she quickly fell asleep, her head nestled in the crook of his arm. We were quiet for a long time. I was thinking that in three short weeks I would leave my cavern for good.

  “We have to close it up real well,” I said. “We have to make it impossible for me to get into, otherwise I'll be right back in here when we get home from Argentina.” I know this is true. When it comes to the cavern I am as weak as Daddy is around the bottle.

  “We'll use rocks,” Kyle said. “Boulders. Don't worry. You'll never be able to get in again.”

  I fastened my eyes on Eden, all flaxen-haired and sleeping like a princess in Kyle's arms. It's for her, I reminded myself. I've got to do this for her.

  The record had stopped and we listened to the rain splattering the ground outside the cave. Then Lou said, speaking to both of us: “Will you ever tell her the truth?”

  Kyle and I looked at each other. I've thought about this often. It always hurt me that I didn't know about my real mama. If it were me in Eden's place, I would want to know who my parents were. Yet I cannot imagine actually saying those words to her: “Your Uncle Kyle is really your daddy.”

  “I'd like her to know the truth one day,” Kyle said.

  “Yes,” I said. “I would too.”

  “She has the right to know,” Kyle continued. “But how old should she be when we tell her? I'm thirty-two and I still wouldn't be ready to hear that kind of news about myself.” Kyle stroked Eden's long hair. “Maybe when she's old enough to understand how much I love her. Maybe then she'll be ready to hear it.”

  “My journal,” I said. “Someday I'll give her my journal and then surely she'll understand.” I felt joy and relief that I'd kept these notebooks all these years. It seems to me they explain it all. And I'll know when to give them to her. She and I will be so close that I'll know the right moment. I won't have to guess.

  May 29, 1959

  The storms have finally let up after toppling trees and swelling the river. Even Ferry Creek has crossed the field and is creeping up on the pits. Kyle and Daddy have gone to Coolbrook to lay sandbags in front of the fire station and library because the Shenandoah's expected to flood by nightfall.

  In two days Kyle, Lou, Eden and I will leave for Argentina. We have to take three planes to get us there, not just one. I can't picture me walking up the steps to a plane no matter how hard I try. Usually I can imagine anything I want, but this picture refuses to form in my head.

  I've broken new ground in the art of being terrified. I can feel my heart beating clear through my back to the mattress when I'm in bed at night. I am always trembling and I can't stand the sight of food. I am quiet about my nervousness, but Kyle doesn't miss it. He strokes my back and tells me how beautiful the view is from the sky, how warm the sun is in Argentina.

  I am in my beloved cavern for the last time. Tomorrow Kyle will fill the entrance with rocks. He asked me last night if I am still sure I want him to do this. He is having second thoughts, feeling guilty for pushing me into this decision. But I tell him not to talk about it, just to do it. When Eden and I come back from Argentina, I won't need this cave any longer. I will be a different person. After six plane rides and two months in a new place where no one speaks English, I will either be different or I'll be dead!

  Eden is in here with me. She is so excited about the trip. She's on the settee right now, playing with little wooden dolls Kyle and Lou brought her that fit one inside the other. She's talking to them and to herself. What changes there are in store for her. What adventure! It makes me smile to think of what the next two months will be like for her. In no time at all, she'll have roses in her cheeks, Kyle says. And he says that children pick up foreign languages quickly. She'll be teaching me Spanish in a few weeks.

  I'm watching my wan-faced angel entertaining herself on the old settee and thinking she deserves far better than this and she will have it. Oh Kyle, slap those rocks against the entrance to this cave and push me on that plane! It will all be worth it. There's no sacrifice too great for someone you love.

  “Mama,” Eden just said to me. “I don't steal.”

  Her forehead had a little crease across it and I could tell she's been fretting about this for a while now.

  “I know you don't steal,” I said. “You're an honest girl.”

  “But Uncle Kyle says I'll steal everybody's heart in Argentina.”

  I laughed. “He just means that everybody in Argentina is going to love you.”

  “Oh,” she said. “Does Uncle Kyle steal everybody's heart too?”

  “I don't know about that,” I said. “But he stole mine a long time ago.”

  “Mine too,” she said, and went back to her dolls. I can't help but wonder if she has any idea how

  Eden turned the page, but it was blank. She leafed through the rest of the notebook, but the pages were yellowed and empty.

  “Oh, Ben.” She buried her head against his neck and felt the warmth of his arms around her, but he was quiet and she imagined that the picture in his mind was the same as in hers: Kate stopping her pen in midsentence, looking up from her notebook, startled, as she heard the water break over the entrance to the cave. She must have gone to look, must have seen the water pouring in, rushing at her, rushing…

  “Eden,” Ben said. “I'm sorry.”

  She raised her head to look at him. “I have to see Kyle,” she said, and he nodded.

  “You don't need me there,” he said. “Take the truck.” She got out of bed and pulled on her jeans, and when she leaned over t
o kiss him he caught her hand and sat her down next to him.

  “Go see Kyle,” he said. “But then come back to me, okay?”

  “Yes.” She lifted his hand to her lips.

  “We've both been hurt too much by the past, Eden,” he said. “It's time to put the suffering behind us.”

  –49–

  Lou and Cassie were already at their easels when she reached Lynch Hollow. Lou looked up from her work and without even waiting for Eden's question said, “He's at Ferry Creek.”

  She drove the truck back out to the road and down to Ferry Creek. The field was gone, buried beneath the deepening waters of the once docile creek. She saw Kyle sitting on the top step of the footbridge, watching the angry sea below him.

  The water lapped at both sides of the road as she parked the truck and got out. She felt as though she was on a long, narrow island as she walked toward the bridge. Kyle hung on to the wires to keep his balance as she climbed the steps, the bridge swaying gently beneath her weight. At the top step she turned and sat next to him. Across the field, directly in front of them, the water poured into the entrance of the cavern.

  They watched in silence for a few minutes. Then Kyle said, “When it flooded in 1959, everyone said it was a once-in-a-hundred-years flood. Hard to believe it's happening again.”

  Eden stared at the cave, mesmerized. It was as though the entire field of water was being sucked into the earth through that black hole in the hillside.

  “What was it like inside yesterday?” Kyle asked. “Was it familiar to you?”

  “The great room was. But it was much darker than I remember.”

  “Kate always had those lanterns burning.”

  “I nearly fell over the typewriter.”