A Courtroom of Ashes

by C. S. Wilde

  Many Shades walk around inebriated; others rape each other, and others eat and eat and eat. No matter where I look I’m staring down at acres and acres of Shades, their white tents spread everywhere.

  This is not just a legion; it’s an army the size of Utah.

  An invisible force pulls me from the camp and drags me through the sky until everything darkens. I’m back in the cold black.

  Red Seth stands ahead.

  “You’re tricking me,” my voice comes out weak, powerless.

  “Perhaps. Are you willing to take the chance?”

  Of course not, and he knows it.

  “I’ll need you for the ritual, puppy. The way I see it, you have two options: Come to me and I’ll spare your friends, or, I’ll find you myself, and your friends will suffer.” He puts a finger over his mouth, thinking. “I’ll chop that blonde girl’s head off first, you know, make sure she dies this time. Maybe I can pluck out John’s sidekick’s eyes.” He licks his lips as if they were made of chocolate. “But John? I’ll force feed you his organs.”

  Suddenly I’m a child again, finding her mom dead in the bathroom, screaming with no one to hear. I’m alone with a bloodthirsty demon who will stop at nothing.

  “Actually,” he says as if he’s forgotten something, “I’ll have to end your soul to possess your body. Frankly, I’d prefer to leave you like I did the other guy I pulled in here, turn you into a Wrath. But the medallion isn’t what it used to be. It has lost a lot of energy and it’ll need your soul to work. All of it.” He stretches a long predatory grin. “But if we’re being honest, I’d obliviate you one time or another anyway.”

  “Shut up,” I bark with gritted teeth. “And stop calling me puppy.”

  He rests a finger on his chin and frowns. “You’re right, you’re no puppy. Word has it you’ve defended rapists and murderers. Maybe you’re more like a big bad wolf.”

  “How did―”

  “I know? I have many birdies in the wind.” He grins.

  “You’re a monster.”

  He lets out a busty laugh that makes me feel ridiculous. “The only difference between you and me is that I embrace that fact.”

  “We’re nothing alike.”

  “More than you think.” He lets out a tired sigh. “It’s been fun, puppy. Make your arrangements, say your good-byes. In case I don’t see you, tell Johnny boy he better be ready.” He turns his back.

  Fire burns me from inside, muscles clench. I want to stop him from hurting anyone else, but there’s nothing I can do, aside from sacrificing myself. I’m as helpless as that little girl who found her mom dead in the bathtub.

  “Wait! How am I supposed to find you?”

  “You’re more Shade than anything else by now,” he says. “Think of me and listen to the song.”

  I wake up with a scream stuck in my throat, heart beating all the way up to my eardrums.

  “Everything okay?” John asks. He’s lying by my side, arms around me.

  The blue of his skin is fading, the veins slowly returning to their normal state. He’s light blue now, a small contrast to my faint navy color. His teeth are as shiny as they were before. He has recovered a great deal in only two days.

  I smile at the sight of him and drown my face in his neck, take in his salty smell. I won’t let anything bad happen to John; he’s been through enough because of me. Barbie and Irving too. It’s my turn to take care of them. “Bad dream, that’s all.”

  He lifts my chin gently and brushes his lips against mine. He presses harder, turning a soft kiss into a long, delicious venture. When he’s done, he kisses the tip of my nose.

  “I’ll always protect you, Santana. Even from your nightmares.”

  I don’t want to think about Red Seth and the choices I need to make. Not now. For the moment, all I care about is being here with my dead guy.

  28

  Forests are supposed to have sounds—birds singing, crickets chirping, leaves rustling. This woods, however, has none.

  Barbie and I walk in the overbearing silence, collecting vermin and berries for the trek to the Falls.

  John said “No time to waste” like five seconds after he had fully recovered. He wants us to leave as soon as possible, but I wish I could tell him that it’s fruitless, that I need to protect him and our friends, and that this means I won’t make it to the Falls. I still need to figure out a way to stop Red Seth from taking my body, but let’s tackle one problem at a time.

  If only John could understand…but I know that all three of them will never let me leave. I have to find a way to sneak away unnoticed.

  But how?

  “A blueberry for your thoughts,” Barbie says, holding the blueberry between her fingers.

  We haven’t talked much since we returned from Lummenia. Facing Barbie is hard for me. I’m responsible for her death, and guilt corrodes me every time I look at her. But this might be the last chance to make amends with my best friend.

  “Barbie, I’m so sorry for what I’ve done.”

  Her now golden eyebrow shoots up. “You’ve said that already.”

  “And I’ll keep saying it.”

  “Well, don’t.” Barbie turns her back to me and keeps walking. Her once dark blue skin is now a soft powder blue, much lighter than mine. “Would I have lived if you hadn’t freed Greg? Maybe. Or someone else would’ve defended him and won the case.” She wipes a falling crown of cyan leaves away from her face. “We’ll never know, but he was the one who killed me, not you.”

  “I was so stupid, Barbie.”

  Stupid? I’m an egotistical brat who needs to pay for her sins. It’s my thought, but it comes from the darkness buried inside, a mass of anger and guilt, hungry for something, but I can’t figure out what that is.

  Barbie stops and turns back to me. “Yeah, you were stupid, but the Santana I know would have stopped being sorry for herself a long time ago.” She turns around just as Irving pops out from behind a tree, bumping into her.

  He looks shyly at the ground, his face a mix of red and purple. “Sorry lass, didn’t mean to frighten ye.”

  “I wasn’t scared,” Barbie groans, a hand still over her chest.

  Irving frowns as if he’s chiding himself. “Of course not, yer a fierce warrior.”

  Is Irving trying to flirt with Barbie?

  He looks so gallant and tall compared to her, but he’s only a few inches taller than me. Anyone would look tall next to Barbie, though. Back when we were twelve, I used to call her Chinchilla. She’d counter with Godzilla.

  “You’re not so bad yourself.” Barbie sweeps a lock of hair behind her ears. “I saw you in that battle.”

  He opens a shy grin. “It was nothing, really.”

  “Nothing? You were a Scottish ninja! Not bad at all for a normal spirit.”

  Aha, so they’re both flirting.

  I clear my throat. “Is everything all right, Irv?”

  He blinks. It seems only now he’s noticed I’ve been standing here the whole time. “John is a bit thirsty, so I thought I would grab some water.” He looks at Barbie and then back at me. “Well, off I go.” He waves awkwardly before walking away.

  Barbie watches him disappear in the direction of the lake. When she turns back, she seems annoyed by something in my face. “What?” she asks, one hand on her hip, the other carrying a small basket filled with berries.

  I shrug. “You know that he thinks you’re pretty, right?”

  Her pale blue cheeks shift to dark blue. “He does?”

  “When we first saw you, after the…” I run my index finger over my throat. “He said you must have been very beautiful once. And trust me, you did not look your best at that time.”

  Her smile blooms. “Well, that’s very kind of him.” She crouches over a bush and grabs crystal clear blueberries, drops of water waiting for harvest. She plucks them all and puts them in her basket. “Speaking of which, I think John’s fit enough to leave tomorrow. Don’t you think?”

  “Yeah,
he’s fine.” I kneel to grab some red berries that grow not far from my feet.

  She glances at me. “No, I mean he’s super fit for doing stuff.”

  What on earth does she mean by tha…oh. It took me awhile to get that one. “Barbie!”

  “What? You guys obviously like each other, and let’s face it, you don’t have much time. We need to get you back to your body yesterday, as John said countless times. Wouldn’t you want to return without regrets?”

  I turn my attention back to the bushes, hoping this will hide my blushing. “Sure but…I don’t know how it works in here.”

  She shrugs. “Same way it goes on earth.”

  “Oh my God, you’ve done it?”

  “No!” She slaps my arm. “But I’ve seen Shades do it in the Wastelands, they don’t have much control over their impulses.” She eyes my light navy skin and smiles mischievously.

  A loud laugh erupts from deep within my belly, one I haven’t heard from myself in years. Barbie and I were still on good terms the last time I laughed like this. Wiping a tear from the corner of my eye, I say, “Barb, we’ve got bigger things to worry about.”

  She sighs, her eyes making a 360 degree loop. “Whatever. Oh, look at that!” Barbie paces to the base of a tree. “Fireberries!”

  The ground around the tree is filled with tiny yellow fruits that gleam when the sunlight hits them, as if they’re catching fire.

  “It makes sense.” Barbie turns to me. “It’s been so hot lately. I heard they bloom when the temperatures spike.”

  I pluck one. “Are they any good?”

  She holds my hand before I put it into my mouth. “If you want to hibernate for the next eight hours then yes, by all means eat it.”

  I gaze at the little ball of light between my fingers.

  ***

  Just as we step into the cave, I overhear John telling Irving ‘carpe diem.’ Once Irving notices we’ve returned, he runs to us, stopping close to Barbie.

  “Lass, I’d like to ask for yer help.”

  She eyes him behind slit lids. “You need my help?”

  Irving’s face darkens for a second, but he quickly continues. “Well, yes. I need to forge a couple spears, maybe a knife. I don’t know if we’ll run across Red Seth, but it’s always good to be prepared. And since yer good with this survival stuff, I thought you might have some good ideas.”

  “Spears and knives? Against Red Seth?” She snorts, but then puts her hand over her shoulder, right where Spritebreaker’s scabbard used to be. Now Spritebreaker leans over a rock near John, its rightful owner. Barbie gives it a resigned smile before saying, “I guess spears and knives are better than nothing.”

  “Plus his accent is adorable, isn’t it Banana?”

  Barbie! She’s totally playing hard to get.

  Irving turns red, and I hope he hasn’t listened to our linking, but Barbie doesn’t seem to mind. She winks at me as she puts her basket down.

  “Shall we?” she says, following Irving into the woods until they vanish in the blue.

  The willows’ leaves dance in the breeze, an ocean floating in midair. I stare at Barbie and Irving after they’re gone. I’m slightly jealous of them. Yes, they’re both dead, but that means they’ve got eternity to figure each other out, enjoy each other’s presence.

  If only John and I had that chance.

  His hands wrap me from behind and close me in a triangle. John’s forehead rests against the back of my head, and I lean back, enjoying every bit of his presence.

  “Carpe diem, huh?” I say.

  He lets out a boyish laugh. “Irving obviously likes her, so why not?” He kisses the turn of my neck and I see stars.

  Closing my eyes, I suck in a hesitant breath. “Don’t do that.”

  “What?”

  “Kissing my neck. It makes me want to do things I shouldn’t.”

  He spins me so that I’m looking at him, his hands tight on the curve of my back. His smile hooks on the right side of his face. “Miss Jones, please feel free to do all the things you shouldn’t.”

  I cup his cheeks as I say, “I wish I could stay here with you, forever.”

  His grip loosens. “You mean give up on life?”

  “I’m happy here. I’m not happy anywhere else. If I had a choice, I’d stay.” I remember Barry’s last words to me: You got to live. Boy, can he see far into someone’s head.

  John doesn’t say a thing, just stares at me. I avoid his look like the devil avoids the cross, because I know he’s thinking I’ve lost my mind.

  After a while too long to count, he caresses my face with the back of his hand and says, “What a selfish thing to do.”

  Perhaps, but Red Seth is making it easy for me. I won’t leave John of my own will, I’ll leave him because of things beyond my control. It’s nice knowing I won’t have to make that choice, but if I could, I would stay here and never go back to Life.

  Oh my, listen to me. I’m cowardly and destructive like Mother.

  John kisses my forehead. “You need to stop being so angry at her.”

  “That’s my business. And out of my head, Senator.”

  “Sorry,” he smiles, his nose brushing mine. “Just trying to help, baby.”

  When it came from my boyfriends, the word “baby” sounded alien, as if it didn’t belong to them. But with John, it flows as smoothly as the tune of a nightingale.

  “Staying here with you would be glorious, wouldn’t it?” This with tears in my voice.

  The man with the weight of the world on his shoulders returns. “Santana, we’ll dodge Red Seth’s legion and get you to the Falls. Period.”

  Legion…if only he knew.

  I give him my back, arms crossed. I’m not mad at John, I’m angry because I won’t dodge Red Seth’s army. I’ll be running into it.

  I inhale the scent of fresh leaves. It’s so peaceful here. The hanging willow branches dance in the air, like thousands of belly dancers. It’s a nice memory to have, so I soak it all up. But when I think of the escape I’ve planned, my heart weights a ton.

  “It will be the end for you and me, John,” I mutter mostly to myself.

  “It will be the end for us, until you die of old age.” His hands stay on my hips, as if asking for permission to hug me from behind. When he sees that’s the least of my worries, he goes ahead. “Then I’ll be waiting for you.” His soft breath brushes against my neck, and my skin tingles.

  It will be the end because I’ll probably be obliviated while trying to stop Red Seth. On my own, well, with Foxberry.

  Spinning around, I rest my forehead on his chin, my arms wrapped around his neck. I’m so glad his skin is back to its healthy pinkish hue. He’ll be okay after I’m gone.

  “You’ll live a beautiful life, baby,” he says. “You’ll have two, no, three beautiful children with big curious eyes like yours.” John shoots me a look that screams of lost hopes. “They’ll be smart too, and strong, like their mom. And as you watch them, now an old lady, you’ll understand the miracle of life and how smart it was to go back.” He plays softly with my hair. “And you’ll go to Heaven, and I’ll follow you, no matter what.”

  The warmth of his breath spreads against my lips as he speaks. It’s so good, being this close to John, but how dare he say things I’ve never dreamed of? How dare he remind me that this entire perfect life will be without him?

  Maybe facing oblivion won’t be so hard if I think of it this way: I won’t have to go on without John. But what does he mean with “No matter what”?

  “Do you think you won’t go to Heaven?”

  His mouth twitches, a pang of pain in his eyes. “When I arrived in Death I became a Shade. I did horrible things. If it wasn’t for her, I’d still be lost.”

  I frown. “Her? What kind of her?”

  John laughs, throwing his head slightly back. “Not that kind of her. She was my spiritual guide.”

  Spiritual guide? A good Lummeni like Barry, perhaps? “What did she do?”

>   “Open my eyes.”

  I know John doesn’t like to talk about his past, but this is ridiculous.

  “Well, what happened with this ‘spiritual guide’?”

  “She ascended.”

  Against any rationality, I think of Evangeline. Could he have met her?

  He leans his forehead on mine. “May I enjoy the company of my woman without further inquiries?”

  There’s so much more to ask, but I know it’s fruitless. Wait, did he just say I’m his woman?

  I smile lazily. “How awfully chauvinistic of you, Mr. Braver.”

  He brushes his lips on mine and we become lost in gentle, sweet kisses that become intense, lip-tugging, tongue-merging smooches. His hands leave burning trails as they move down my sides, and I press my body harder against him.

  He stops, panting. My hands are tangled in his hair while his arms wrap my lower back. His excitement presses against my hips. Barbie was right, this works just like back home.

  But he pulls away.

  I hold his arms so he can’t let go. “Why?”

  “This will screw things up.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I want you for myself, Santana. I need you to stay with me, but I can’t allow it.” He pulls me closer, a plea hidden in his voice. “I’m afraid I won’t be able to let you go if we do this.”

  But John won’t have to let me go. I will.

  I nudge my nose on his chin, then press my mouth to his in a wet and warm dance. I don’t want to think of the future, I want the now, I need it, and I’m holding onto it with everything I have.

  “Oh, Santana,” he murmurs in between heavy breaths. “I’m so completely yours.”

  Right back at you, Mr. Braver.

  There’s no eternity for John and me, no happily ever after. Apart from now.

  29

  I’ve never felt so connected with someone. All of John’s fears and joys, his very core, became mine as we climaxed into a frenzy that left my world spinning.