The Lost Girls

by Sonia Hartl

  Unfortunately for me, Megan Bear was the queen bee of Woodward Middle School, and she put all the anger and resentment she felt for her dad onto me. She convinced the entire class to stay away from me. It soon became clear that anyone who let me sit with them at lunch would be punished, and no one wanted to test her wrath. People had gotten so accustomed to hating me, it became habit more than anything else. I didn’t have a single friend until eighth grade. That’s when Stacey moved to town, and she didn’t give a shit about anyone’s opinions.

  The short swing of Parker’s hair curtained her face as she looked down at her chipping black nail polish. “At least you got to stay in one place long enough for people to know you existed. I’ve been invisible my entire life.”

  “There are a lot of ways to be invisible.” When people already determined your entire character based on the actions of others, they never really saw you. Every time they shot spitballs into my hair or tripped me in the lunchroom on soup day, I disappeared a little more, until I made myself so small, I didn’t take up any space at all.

  “Yeah, I guess there are.” She chewed on her bottom lip, drawing a small bit of blood.

  I inhaled sharply. I didn’t need to feed quite yet, but the drop of fresh blood on her full bottom lip drew me in like a pearl on a pink oyster bed. The urge to lick the spot away caught me off guard, and I jumped to my feet, prepared to leave before I did something truly mortifying.

  Her tongue dipped out, wiping the bit of blood away. Her lip was already starting to heal over. My heartbeat pounded in my ears, the vibration of it beating down, down, down until a warm glow spread through my stomach. I had a flash in my mind of running my thumb over that plump bit of skin before leaning in and …

  Nope. I had no idea if I would’ve kissed her or killed her in my fantasy, and I had no intention of doing either. My job was to protect her from Elton. Nothing more.

  The harmless illusion had thrown me off, though. I hadn’t thought about anyone with that kind of intensity since Elton. He’d been my moon and stars since before I’d been turned, and I was still learning how to function without him. I wasn’t even sure if I was attracted to Parker. Maybe I wanted to make out with her, or maybe I wanted to be her friend. Or maybe I just wanted to drink her dry. Couldn’t exactly rule that one out, either.

  Her brows pinched together as she stared up at me. Clearly, I’d thrown her off by acting like I was about to run for no reason. So far today I was zero for two on the first-impressions scale. If Rose and Ida expected me to be the one to convince Parker to stay clear of Elton, they were going to be sadly disappointed.

  “There was a bee,” I said. Though I didn’t sound very convincing, even to myself.

  She gave me a solemn nod. “And they’re so active in October.”

  My lips twitched as I tried to hold back the laugh over my own ridiculousness. I didn’t know Parker, and she absolutely didn’t know me. I had no reason to have such a strong reaction to her. “You’re messing with me again.”

  “Sorry, you make it so easy.” She grinned, and I was struck again by her smile. It didn’t just light up her face, everything around her appeared a little brighter too.

  I took a step back to gather my thoughts and ran up against a hard chest. One that I knew so well, I shuddered in response. His scent hit me first, the cloying smell of musty attics, overturned earth, and overripe peaches. The sweet spice of death, with just a splash of sex.

  Spinning around, I looked up at the boy who still haunted me in ways I’d never be able to change. His cheekbones were sharp enough to cut through bone. His eyes were like a frozen lake or a clear blue sky, depending on his mood. Straight nose, strong jaw, and thin lips currently tipped in a half-cocked smile that used to make my toes melt. Back before I realized he found amusement in what he considered simple-headed girls.

  He tipped his head, slight enough for only me to notice. A mocking gesture that just begged me to fall into his trap. I stiffened my spine, refusing to give in and lash out. A reaction I was sure he more than expected of me.

  Instead I gave him a nod, welcoming his challenge. “Hello, Elton. Long time, no see.”

  Chapter Six

  “You just couldn’t stay away, could you?” Elton circled me, forcing me to turn to keep him at my front and throwing me off balance. He always moved with more elegance than most.

  “I could say the same for you.” I put my hands on my hips. “Of course, a cold-blooded bastard would feel at home in the frozen north.”

  He tsked and prowled closer, like a sleek panther that knew it outmatched the field mouse. “You say that like you’re not happy to be here.”

  “I’m not.” Great. Now I sounded like a two year old.

  “You look good, Holly.” His gaze roamed over me, like I was a sheep he both wanted to shear naked and drag to the slaughterhouse. A lock of my crimped hair had come loose from my braid, and he tucked it back. “But I’m disappointed in you, you know.”

  Ugh. Even with self-righteousness and distain dripping from every syllable, the hard place in my heart where I stored all my ugly feelings softened. My fingers itched to run through the sweep of hair that hung over his forehead, like I used to when he’d been mine. I shook my head. He had such an impossible hold over me. I should’ve had more time before this meeting, more time to prepare myself against my natural instincts to curl against his body until that part of him living within me felt at peace.

  “I don’t care if you’re disappointed.” Lies. I cared, but I didn’t want to care, which was as good as I could do when faced with the full force of Elton. “You have no right to be here.” I glanced to where Parker eyed us with interest and lowered my voice. “Not even time wants you here. Don’t you feel it every time you go inside the school?”

  He flashed his teeth. “Speaking of time, have you been to see your mother?”

  The sharp twist of pain took me by surprise. I’d begged him to come home for years, and he ignored my every request. At the time he told me it was because it wasn’t good for me, he was protecting me from her toxicity, and I’d been so in love, I just accepted it. I hadn’t even missed her, not really, but I’d wanted to check on her, if only to satisfy my own curiosity about what her life looked like without me in it. Not that it would’ve changed anything. Still. It should’ve been my choice to know.

  “I haven’t seen her since I’ve been back.” I choked on the shame of those last words. I should’ve gone to see her, but I didn’t want to feel sorry. I’d moved past that, comfortable in my righteous anger. A much more soothing balm than guilt.

  The first night I arrived back in Michigan, I’d felt compelled to check in on her, in what I assumed was a lingering sense of obligation. I climbed my old tree. Its gnarled limbs stretched toward my bedroom, canopied by thick leaves. When I first started dating Elton, that tree made it easier for me to sneak out and join him in what he called “really living.” Spray-painting the school, egging the homes of people who had been mean to me, running through honey-scented apple fields in the moonlight, making out under the stars. Never knowing I was actively embracing my own death. I sat on the thickest branch, sticky with maple sap, and stared into the place I’d called home, and I let the weight of my regrets press down on me.

  I waited to catch a glimpse of her, wondering how it would feel to see her hunched over, with candy-floss hair and sagging skin. If I’d even recognize her. If she was alone.

  It took me until morning to realize that she didn’t live there anymore. Through the Facebook posts of relatives I rarely saw, I discovered she’d been moved to a local nursing home and had a strong case of dementia. She didn’t remember she’d ever had a daughter.

  Maybe it was better that way.

  I made the decision after that not to seek her out. I had too many conflicting feelings when it came to my mom, and she wasn’t in a place to shoulder any of them. So, I’d hang on to my anger. It was the only thing that kept the guilt from eating away at me.

&nb
sp; “How have you not seen your own mother? Don’t you live with her?” Parker’s nose scrunched slightly when she was suspicious. I’d learned that much, since she’d been suspicious of me almost from the start. She also had the unmistakable shimmer of hurt in her eyes. “Or was all that stuff about your mom’s boyfriends a bunch of bullshit?”

  “It wasn’t bullshit.” I glanced at Elton. “It’s actually a big part of the reason why I don’t live with her anymore. Isn’t that right, Elton? Wasn’t she such a toxic influence in my life? Didn’t I just need to get away from her to save myself?”

  “Holly likes her stories.” He took a seat next Parker, casually draping his arm over her shoulder, knowing I would notice. Making sure his territory was clearly marked. “She lives in a reality of her own making. I don’t even think she means to lie. It just happens.”

  “Right. I’m the liar.” I turned to Parker. “When he tells you that you’re the only one, and he will, I hope you remember this. I hope you remember me, Rose, and Ida and think about what you’ll really be giving up.”

  “Honestly, Holly, you were always so dramatic.” He dismissed me with a wave of his hand. “It’s a nice day. The sun is shining. Try to enjoy it.”

  He reached into his pocket and pulled out a rose petal, brushing it down Parker’s nose and whispering in her ear. She giggled, closing her hand over the petal and pressing it into her book. Seeing his courting ritual from the outside was An Experience. Now that I wasn’t the focus of it, I could clearly see how he staged everything for maximum swoons, like he just happened to walk around with rose petals in his pocket. Please.

  It made me sick enough that I had to look away. “I’m going to go.”

  Rose and Ida had wanted me to try with Parker. But that didn’t mean I had to stay here and watch her moon over a guy who was absolutely going to kill her within the month. If she didn’t want to listen to my warning, that was on her. This was why I didn’t deal with the living. They had no respect for their own mortality.

  Elton smirked. “Bye.”

  “I wasn’t talking to you,” I said through clenched teeth. Rolling my eyes, I headed back to the school to collect Rose and go. If Ida was still busy with Frankie, she could catch up to us later. She knew where we lived.

  “Hey, Holly. Wait up.” Parker jogged toward me, panting a little as she came to stop. “I’m sorry about the weird tension back there.”

  “It’s fine.” It wasn’t, but what else was I supposed to say?

  “I know you two have a history.” She flattened some loose gravel under her foot. “But it’s hard being new, you know? I don’t really have anyone to talk to about stuff.”

  “Yeah, I get that.” Before Stacey moved to town, I’d only had myself and my stuffed pigeon, Gideon, and he was a dreadful conversationalist. My mom hadn’t even gotten me a fish because they required too much upkeep. On impulse, before I could overthink it, I grabbed Parker’s hand. “Do you have a pen?”

  Her finger flexed a bit in my grasp, like the contact surprised her almost as much as it surprised me. Her skin was soft, the warmth such a stark contrast to my cold. My palm tingled with little pinpricks of awareness. She reached into her back pocket and handed me a pen. She frowned slightly, not annoyed, but more confused.

  I turned her hand over in mine and tried not to focus in on the way her pulse beat against her wrist. “I’m going to write down my address.”

  “Okay.” She said it more like a whisper.

  “If you ever need to talk, or just get away, you can find me there.”

  I didn’t know what had propelled me to give her my address. For all I knew, she’d turn around and show Elton, and the two of them would share a laugh over my pathetic attempt to make friends. But it felt too final to just leave. Whenever things got tough for me at home, I could always escape to Stacey’s. Parker didn’t have anyone except Elton. And having been there, I couldn’t think of anything more depressing.

  She let out a little breathy laugh. “Can’t you just put your number in my contacts?”

  “I don’t have a phone.” There it was again. The urge to blush. Unfortunately, working part-time at Taco Bell had barely covered the cost of the roach motel where I’d been staying. I didn’t have extra money for a phone. It’s not like I had anyone to call, anyway.

  “Oh. That’s okay.” Parker’s cheeks reddened. “I mean, of course it’s okay. Never mind. I’m going to stop talking any minute now.”

  I waved off her embarrassment. Being poor came with the territory of being sixteen, and it was a thousand times worse not having parental support to fall back on. “I’m staying with Rose and Ida, so it’s really more like their apartment, but you’re welcome any time. We can lay on the floor in existential dread and talk about our trauma. It’ll be good times.”

  “What a coincidence. That’s how I prefer to spend my Friday nights.”

  We grinned at each other, and for a second I forgot she was Elton’s new victim, and my job here was to make sure she made it out of this alive. “Right. Well. I have to go, but do come over whenever. Or don’t. It’s cool.”

  I headed back inside the school just as the bell rang, signaling the end of lunch. Once again, I walked through the hall as if I had an invisible barrier keeping people at a three-foot distance. A guy in a blue sweater tripped over his feet to get away from me. I stopped to offer him my hand and frowned when he crab-walked away from me, bumping against a locker.

  Hint taken.

  We didn’t interact well with the living during the best of times, but it was next level at this school. I didn’t usually have people actively run from me like this. The tightness around my neck increased, and I pulled at my borrowed dress. I peeked in the classroom where I’d left Rose, but other than a garden scene drawn with remarkable precision for a dry-erase board, there was no sign of her. I added a poorly drawn bee buzzing over a snapdragon, then left. Keeping my head down, I hustled through the crowd of students on their way to their next classes and pushed through the front doors. Where I could breathe again.

  If Rose and Ida were still inside, they were on their own. I’d done my part. I’d met Parker like they wanted and agreed to get on board with killing Elton. Now all I wanted was a few hours alone to process. I walked to the corner, where the city bus ran every two hours, and stopped short at the familiar face across the street wearing a frilly, vaguely pirate-like shirt and a black silk scarf. I blinked against the white spots in my vision. Before I could adjust to the sunlight dilation, the bus whooshed to a stop in front of me.

  That was the second time in as many days where I thought I’d seen Stacey. She must’ve been in this city somewhere, in all the cities where I’d been, but I hadn’t seen her once in the past thirty-four years. Not since the night I’d done the unthinkable.

  Maybe my mind was playing tricks on me. Being back at this school had messed with my sense of place and time, and apparently, place and time didn’t much appreciate me, either. I plugged in my return ticket and rushed to the windows, scanning the street for any sign of her wide gold eyes and frizzy black hair. Finding nothing, I collapsed in my seat with a huff. The man next to me slid down two seats.

  I rested my head against the window and ran over my confrontation with Elton. I should’ve stayed, or goaded him into revealing himself, or anything more than trading insults and leaving like a coward. Right now he was probably holding Parker’s hand and telling her to ignore me. Painting whatever picture he wanted because I couldn’t stand to be in his proximity while he did to another girl what he’d done to me all those years ago.

  She was already lost, and I wasn’t fit to help find her.

  The bus dropped me off a few blocks from the apartment. The meat market did pretty brisk business in the afternoon. This was a trendy part of town that had shops dedicated to lavender macarons and organic milk. I had no idea how Rose and Ida afforded this place when neither appeared to have jobs, and I could barely afford a shitty motel on my meager salary. It wasn�
��t my concern, though. I trudged up the stairs to the second floor. As soon as I stepped inside, the two of them jumped up from the floor.

  Rose threw her arms around me. “You made it back okay. We were just about to come collect you if you hadn’t shown up.”

  “I would’ve had to ride the bus four times in one day.” Ida shuddered. “I definitely would’ve sold one of your kidneys on the dark web for that.”

  “You knew where I was. Thanks for just leaving me there without attempting to let me know, by the way.” I took a step back from them both. I wasn’t mad, exactly. I just had a lot of anger after dealing with Elton and nowhere else to put it, so it exploded out of me. “Did you know I ran into Elton? And let me tell you, that was a real joy.”

  Rose and Ida looked at each other, and I wanted to knock their heads together. I hated the silent communication they were able to do. And yeah, they had decades together, where I’d just become part of their circle, but it made me feel like I was on the edge of their twosome. A convenience they needed at the moment to complete their task and discardable once I’d served my purpose. It hurt. And when I’m hurt, I hurt back.

  “We knew you might run into Elton.” Ida had a note of impatience in her voice, like I was being a spoiled brat about the whole thing. “It was necessary for him to be occupied elsewhere while I borrowed Frankie.”

  “Here’s what else is necessary: me.” I grabbed my suitcase and flung it toward the door, where it hit the frame and snapped open, spilling my limited supply of clothes across the floor. The urge to scream welled up inside me. “I’m necessary to your little plan, or so you tell me, but you won’t let me in on anything. You just expect me to go along. Well, fuck that. I’m done.”

  This was why I didn’t get close to anyone. At least, if all those psych books I read when I was bored and searching for meaning in my death were to be believed. Even those who claimed to be on my side were only interested in what I could do for them. Just like Elton. Even my own mother, with the way she used me as a pawn to hurt the ex-wives of her detached boyfriends for most of my life. It was why I held so tightly to my anger.