Chasing Paradise

by Cindy Patterson

  “Wait. You need to hear this.” Jordan's eyes were filled with accusation, his fists clenching and unclenching. “When you left, she was devastated for months. Believe me, that's the last thing I want to tell you, but you need to know the truth. She's happy now. Finally, after months of doing nothing but crying over you, she realized you weren't worth it. You can't show up now, just when she's figured out she doesn't need you. You almost destroyed her.”

  Paul stared at him blankly, the last five months flashing before his eyes. He'd hurt her even more than he realized.

  “If you really care about her, you'll leave her alone. I can't watch her go through that pain again. I won't. She's happy ... with me.”

  When Jordan walked away, Paul stared at the space where he'd watched her perform earlier, the space that was now empty. People hovered all around him, some lingering, some leaving. Rachel was happy now. The thought should've brought him comfort. But it didn't. It brought gut-wrenching pain. Sweat warmed his scalp, thinking of all he'd lost.

  There was nothing he could say.

  It was his doing. He'd left her, alone, to move on. She had suffered because of him. He couldn't bring her more pain.

  No matter how much he wanted her.

  44

  Rachel stopped at Mary's the day they arrived home. It was hard coming back to this yard, to this house, knowing Paul wasn't here. But she had to know the truth.

  It took a moment for her eyes to adjust against the brightness. Mary stood on the front steps, her long skirt swishing against the gentle breeze. Her sleeves were rolled up and flour dusted her black apron. Rachel had mourned over the idea of never becoming the wife of her Amish man. She had envisioned wearing the white kapp, the calico dresses, and laced-up boots. A lifetime with Paul was worth more than all her material things.

  “Hullo, Rachel. How was your mission's trip?”

  She'd felt the presence of Jesus like never before. “It was exactly what I needed.”

  “It's so wunderbaar-gut to hear that.”

  “I need to talk to you.”

  “Jah. Of course.” She closed the front door. “We will have privacy out here.”

  “Can you please tell me how to find Paul? Where he moved to? Anything?”

  Mary looked suddenly distracted, and her gaze lingered somewhere in the pasture behind them. “I ... I don't know where he is.”

  “Oh.” Her voice sounded wrong, like it was somewhere outside of her.

  “He wanted ... needed some time to himself to sort things out.”

  “I was just thinking since—” He hadn't stopped by to see her. He'd stopped in the middle of the road and then kept going. “I was just wondering if you knew.” It felt as if she was standing in sinking sand.

  “I'm sorry, Rachel. I ...”

  “No. I shouldn't have asked. It's silly anyway. I'm not sure what I was thinking.” She wanted to tell Mary she thought she'd seen him in Maryland but that it couldn't have been, since he was wearing jeans and a ball cap. She'd already made a fool out of herself. “How're you feeling?”

  “Gut. I'm so glad you stopped by.” Mary glanced toward the house. “Do you want something to drink?”

  “Thank you so much, but I better get going.” It wasn't a good time for visiting. She felt like crying and kicking something all at the same time. It wasn't Mary's fault. It was her own. She should've been stronger. “We have a championship softball game tomorrow, and I'm really tired from the trip.”

  “For certain sure. That's so exciting. Let me know how you do.”

  “Absolutely. I'll be back to visit soon. Take care of you and that baby.”

  “Jah. Don't worry. Thomas will see to that.”

  The mourning didn't hit Rachel until she drove onto the highway away from Mary's house. She punched the steering wheel. “I won't let you do this to me anymore, Paul Fischer.”

  She drove for over an hour through the streets of Paradise, spontaneous tears streaming down her face, her heart still aching as an eerie feeling of someone watching her led her to the safety of her driveway. Jordan pulled in right behind her and she exhaled a deep, comforting breath.

  “What are you doing here? We just spent the whole weekend together.” Rachel tried to hide the leftover whimpers, but Jordan must've heard them. Inching backward, she put more distance between them and ordered her mind to something else, anything else. Her blasted impulsive emotions. She'd never had much control over them, but today they were merciless.

  “Have you been crying?”

  “I'm tired and really sleepy.” Her answer was swift, affirmative. She couldn't admit the truth. Jordan had made it very clear he disapproved of her pining over her Amish man, and she couldn't handle his judgment. Not right now. Not with her emotions teetering on the edge of instability. It wouldn't take much to generate more bawling.

  “I’ve had to share you with everyone all day and I'm leaving this week. I needed to see you.”

  He was leaving her too. Then without any warning, the mourning boiled up in her chest again. “I can’t believe you're leaving already. Time has flown so fast.”

  Jordan grasped her hand and led her to the steps. Car lights from the road flickered across the yard. “Come back to Pensacola with me as soon as you graduate. We can go to Pensacola State. Together.” His gaze fell to their hands. “Remember all the times we spent together as kids. All the memories we made there. We can have that again.”

  If only it were that simple. “I can't go back.” Rachel tugged her hand free and pressed her fingers against her knees, fighting that gnawing feeling rising up her chest. “I have to stay in Paradise.”

  “Rachel ...”

  “I know what you're going to say, but I can't leave.” Rachel stared at the stars blinking against the black sky, listening to the never ending sound of buggies rolling by. “We did make some great memories, and I'll always have those. Remember the time I pulled my hair up on top of my head trying to look older?”

  “I don’t remember that.”

  She ran her fingers across her skirt and grinned. “Good. It was embarrassing.”

  “Why?”

  “It was around the time I realized how cute you were.” Her grin widened because focusing her attention elsewhere was finally working. She glanced at him. “I had a small crush on you.”

  Jordan slouched beside her, covering his chest with his hand. “You had a crush on me? Really?”

  “Don’t look so surprised. Every girl in high school did.” His dazed look unsettled her, so she focused on his chin instead. A strong sensation to slide away consumed her. The way his pupils enlarged, the way his eyes devoured her. He didn’t blink. “What’s wrong?”

  She swallowed hard as Jordan took her face in his hands, pulled her closer, and pressed his lips against hers.

  What was he doing?

  She yanked from his grip, lurched to her feet, and climbed the few steps. Eyes wide and lungs heaving, she stared at the top of his head for three short breaths. How could she have let this happen?

  Remorse nearly knocked her feet out from under her, and she grasped the porch railing to steady herself.

  He deserved better than this and it was all her fault. She had monopolized his time for months. What else was he supposed to think? She peeked at him from where she now stood behind him, several feet away.

  He was staring into the distance where the field met the sky. “I know you’re angry with me,” Rachel whispered.

  “Angry with you? Why would I be angry with you?” His harsh tone caused her to stumble back. He stood quickly and moved toward his car, but then turned and faced her. “How can you not know that I feel this way for you?” Jordan cleared his throat and kicked at the dirt. “You come here to Pennsylvania and fall in love with Buggy Boy. That was the last thing I ever expected to happen.”

  Blinking back tears, she felt the regret all the way to her bones.

  “I had been planning to ask you out for weeks. Then the accident happened. The timing
was all wrong. Then I found out you were moving. My intentions were to transfer to Penn State to be closer to you, so I could date you, like I’d always wanted to.

  “When Buggy Boy left, I was relieved. I knew it would be hard, but I wanted to be there and have the chance to love you. I just didn’t realize how hard it would be for you. It kills me knowing a part of your heart belongs to him.”

  “I didn’t know.” Her voice broke.

  He walked up the stairs and wrapped his arms tight around her. “We're friends, Rachel. And we always will be. Even though I'm leaving in a few days, I intend to keep my promise and be there for you.”

  * * *

  Lying in bed later that evening, Rachel prayed long and hard, unable to sleep. Then a text came through from Jordan just after midnight and those six words changed everything.

  I wanted to tell you earlier, but I couldn't bring myself to say it. I saw Paul. He's been staying in Hershey. I hope everything works out and that you find all the happiness that you deserve.

  Jordan had seen Paul. Had Jordan talked to him? She wanted so badly to ask him, but she couldn't. It must've been so hard for Jordan to tell her the truth. Hershey? He'd given her more than she could've asked for—a place to start looking.

  Jordan. She needed to reply, to apologize, to thank him. But she was uncertain of what to say. Anything she said would only hurt him worse. So she settled on something different. Safer.

  God blessed me with you, and I'll cherish your friendship always.

  Paul was staying in Hershey? Of course he was. He wouldn't give up his job, work he'd just been awarded. Only a few cities separated them. The thought brought a swift end to her enthusiasm. He hadn't let that small span of space between them stop him from staying out of her life.

  45

  Anxiety filled her dreams, giving her little rest. Sunlight finally seeped through the blinds and Rachel tried to hide the puffiness around her eyes with little effect.

  The long day at school gave Rachel more than enough time to think. Paul's words that last day came back to her like a blade slicing away the protective layers she'd worked so hard to create. And she fought against the remembrance of each and every rejection he'd hurled at her, until one memory slithered in that had eluded her until now.

  Nothing in his expression, demeanor, or actions affirmed a desire to leave, but everything voiced sorrow. He hadn't wanted to leave?

  Every worry, every doubt, every longing had to be pushed to the deepest corners of her mind until after the game. Rachel stepped onto the mound ready to warm up with the catcher. Nothing in her head but throwing strikes, hitting the ball, and winning this game.

  But then after a few minutes she spotted her mom looking for a seat among the crowd. She threw a quick wave in her direction. This had to be hard for her. Dad had always been her coach. Always on the sidelines. Always there.

  Thrusting those memories into the secluded corner with the others, she winded her arm in three quick motions and slung the ball over the plate for the first pitch.

  Strike.

  After five innings of pitching, Rachel moved to shortstop and stretched while the new pitcher warmed up.

  The first girl up to bat hit the ball to shortstop, and Rachel dove to catch it. The next two balls were line drive hits over Kelli’s head between right and centerfield allowing two girls on base. The cheers of the crowd faded as the next ball was hit hard to right field, and the girl on second stole third. The outfielder caught it, but the runner tagged home, tying the game.

  Turning, Rachel slapped her glove against her leg. They couldn’t give this game away. The next batter hit a ground ball to Rachel. She scooped it, tagged second, and threw it to first making a double play, ending the top of the inning. That was too close.

  Rachel stepped in the batter’s box and watched a low pitch. Swinging at an inside pitch, she smacked it over the centerfielder’s head and reached second before the player threw the ball in. The next batter hit a line-drive to the pitcher; leaving Rachel on second.

  Kelli came up next. She smacked it down first baseline past the right fielder. Rachel slid into third. Kelli only made it to first.

  The next batter struck out. Rachel wanted to scream. Don’t leave me stranded out here. I need to score. The next ball was hit into left field. Rachel's gaze trailed the flying ball, the left fielder running. She wasn’t going to get to it in time. Taking off in a full run, Rachel slid into home as the left-fielder threw the ball from the fence.

  The umpire yelled above her. “She’s safe.”

  Kelli came around to second. In the bottom of the sixth, the score was now 4-3. They could use another run and still had Kelli in scoring position on second.

  Rachel gripped the fence. “Come on nineteen. Give it all you’ve got.”

  It was a hard hit to third base, but was caught. Rachel grabbed her glove and Kelli’s and headed onto the field for the top of the seventh.

  The first ball was hit between first and second, barely gliding past Kelli. The second was hit to left center bringing the runner to second and the batter to first.

  No outs and two runners on base. This is not good.

  The next batter hit a line drive to Rachel. She stopped it, tagged second, and threw it to first making another double play.

  Two outs and no runners on base. Only one more out. The batter stepped to the plate.

  Strike one.

  The batter stepped back into the box and swung at the second pitch.

  Strike two.

  Rachel’s pulse quickened. They were so close. The pitcher threw the ball, the batter swung, it was a solid hit between third and shortstop. Rachel dove, sliding on the hard dirt infield and snagged the ball with only seconds to throw it to first. Pulling up on her knees, she threw the ball to first base. In the last second, the ball hit the first basemen’s glove before the runner’s foot tagged the bag.

  “She’s out,” the umpire yelled.

  We did it.

  The crowd cheered, as Rachel got to her feet and looked for her mom, but then she jolted to a stop.

  46

  Rachel's view was cut off as her teammates crowded in around her, squealing their excitement. She had no idea how much time had passed before the group finally shifted. The space where he'd been standing, the man with an uncanny resemblance to Paul, was now empty. It wasn't him. That man had been wearing jeans and a ball cap. The crowd made their way from the stands, no one resembling the man she'd just seen.

  “You did great, honey. I’ll see you at home.” Rachel searched Mom's face, her expression void of anything other than excitement over the game.

  Her teammates screamed and laughed a mumbled, tunnel-like sound as Rachel followed them to the locker room. Kelli walked next to her, chatting endlessly with the others about senior prom tomorrow night. Prom. The very thing that had cost her so much.

  Rachel gritted her teeth against her desire to confide in Kelli what she'd seen—what she thought she'd seen.

  Unwilling to let go of the image, it replayed itself over and over until she thought she would walk back to the field and search for him.

  Kelli stopped on her way to the locker room door. “Do you want to ride with me to the restaurant?”

  “No, I'll meet you there.” Rachel's words echoed through the room as Kelli and the others stepped outside, leaving her alone.

  Rachel slumped onto the bench. More pressing matters were taking up every available space in her brain at the moment. She needed some time to get herself together. For so long she’d looked for Paul in the face of every Amish person, praying each day she’d see his face. She had no picture, only every memorized detail of him.

  She lowered her glove into her bat bag and zipped it in slow motion. What could've happened to cause her brain to react in such a way that she would envision him standing there, so real she could touch him? It didn’t make any sense. She'd been so caught up in the excitement, the very minute they’d won the game. It was like stumbling into
a dreamlike world where Paul was there, only she couldn't reach him. And she was forbidden to share it with anyone, because no one would believe her.

  In the background a leaky faucet dripped every few seconds and then suddenly a loud clang echoed through the empty room. She stood quickly.

  Slinging her bag over her shoulder, Rachel rushed toward her car, the eeriness of being alone catching up to her. Not until she rounded the corner, did she see a truck parked beside her car and a man leaning against that truck. A ball cap shielded his face.

  Pulse throbbing, she slowed her pace and glanced behind her. The last few cars in the parking lot were already driving away.

  “Rachel?”

  Her breath caught at the achingly familiar voice calling her name. For a moment she could only stare as Paul slowly lifted his ball cap, revealing more of his face. She needed a moment to recover not only from the surprise of seeing him, but at the difference. Stone-washed jeans that fit him perfectly, a T-shirt accentuating the bulging strength of his biceps, dark stubble shadowing his chin and bordering his cheekbones.

  It was him. The man she'd seen leaning against the fence—staring at her.

  “Paul?” His precious name ripped from her throat as she tried to convince herself, that this time, what she was seeing was real.

  Pushing away from the truck, Paul closed some of the distance between them. “Hullo, Rachel.” He touched her shoulder and the solid presence of his hand sifted through her jersey. The small gesture validating his existence, his touch infusing her with comfort. “You were so ...” His voice was rich with admiration. “Amazing.”

  It's really him. Rachel couldn't tear her gaze away. The man standing before her was the only man she'd ever loved, the man she'd longed for every day for months, the man who'd hurt her more than any other.

  “What are you doing here?” It was a stupid question, but she could think of nothing else to say. Not with her pulse racing and her heart aching with each beat.