Thoughtful

by S. C. Stephens

  She looked over to where the rest of the band was still lingering. She hesitated to answer me, and I figured they were the reason why. When she shook her head¸ I was sure of it. Instead of pressuring her to talk to me in front of them, I asked, “Want a ride home?” I understood the need for privacy, and I also understood the reluctance to talk. I wouldn’t press her.

  She looked back at me with a grateful smile and nodded. “Yes, thank you.”

  “Sure, just let me get my stuff and we’ll head out.”

  I gave her a warm smile of assurance. Like she was embarrassed, her cheeks mildly tinted. Maybe she felt bad, like she was inconveniencing me. She shouldn’t feel that way though. It’s not like I wasn’t going in her direction anyway; we did live together. I headed back over to the guys to get my stuff. Griffin had a look on his face like he knew something. I was sure he had an assortment of kinky imagery of Kiera and me in his head. Awesome.

  Sam was there with them. He had a glass of something in his hand, and raised it to me when I got close enough. “Want to have a drink with us?” He narrowed his eyes. “Just one, mind you. I don’t need to babysit your drunken ass again.”

  I laughed at his comment. It had been a while, but Sam had had to give me a ride home on more than one occasion. It was an aspect of his job that he didn’t enjoy. He only did it at all because we were coworkers. And friends. “No thanks. Kiera needs a ride, so I’m gonna take her home.” Griffin pursed his lips and poked Matt in the ribs while he nodded. Obviously, he thought he was onto something.

  I shook my head at his incorrect assumption and grabbed my guitar. As I turned to leave, Evan grabbed my elbow. Leaning in close he said, “I saw you two earlier. Anything going on there?”

  Irritation prickled my spine that Evan’s mind was running in line with Griffin’s. He should have a little more faith in me than that. “No. Something happened earlier with Denny, I’m not sure what…and she’s upset. I’m being a friend, because she needs one. But that’s it.”

  Evan accepted my answer and let go of my arm. And he should accept it; I was telling the truth. Letting the encounter roll off my back, I returned to Kiera. “Ready?” I asked her.

  Standing, she nodded, and we left the bar together. She was silent for a while, and I let her be. If she wanted to talk, she would. If she didn’t want to, I couldn’t force her. The soundlessness between us wasn’t oppressive though. There was no tension, no apprehension. Just comfortable friendship.

  When I was sure the silence would last the entire trip home, Kiera quietly said, “Denny is leaving.”

  I couldn’t have been more shocked by her words. No…I just got him back, and they’ve been so happy together here. What could have possibly happened? Why would he want to leave? Did I do something…? “But…?”

  Her face scrunched like she was mad at herself. “No, just for a few months…just for his job.”

  I relaxed as I realized Denny’s departure was only temporary. Our relationship was still intact, then, and so was theirs. Adding long distance to it would be trying, but I was certain they could do it. “Oh, I thought maybe…” You were over.

  She interrupted me with a sigh before I could finish my thought. “No, I’m just overreacting. Everything is fine. It’s just…” She paused, like even the act of saying the words would hurt her.

  “You’ve never been apart,” I guessed.

  Glancing over, I saw her lips curve into a small smile of relief. Relief that I understood, and relief that I hadn’t judged her. “Yeah. I mean, we have, but not for that long. I guess I’m just used to seeing him every day, and, well…we waited so long to live together, and things have been going so perfectly, and now…”

  “Now he’s leaving.”

  “Yeah.”

  I could feel her eyes studying me while I studied the road. I tried to imagine what that would feel like, waiting so long to be with someone, and then having it snatched away the moment you had it.

  “What are you thinking about?” Kiera murmured that in a faraway voice, almost like she wasn’t talking to me.

  “Nothing…” I looked over at her and her eyes were wide, like she hadn’t realized she’d asked me a question. I ignored her startled expression as I thought over what I’d been wishing for. “I was just hoping things work out for you guys. You’re both…” Incredible people, an inspiration, my hope for the future…important to me.

  Silence settled over the car again, but it was grateful silence this time. I was glad that Kiera had opened up to me, and happy that her problem seemed short-term.

  When we got to the house, Denny’s car was in the drive. Kiera inhaled a deep breath at seeing it. She was smiling though, like she was happy he was home. I hoped she always felt that way. Turning to me, she said, “Thank you…for everything.”

  I had a sudden desire for her to kiss my cheek again, and I looked down. If I were more like her, that thought would have had me blushing. “Not a problem, Kiera.”

  We got out of the car and made our way into the house. Kiera paused at her bedroom door, and I paused at mine. I watched her staring at the closed wood, her hand clenching the metal knob instead of turning it. She seemed nervous, like she was afraid of what lay on the other side.

  “It will be fine, Kiera,” I whispered into the darkness. She looked back at me, warmth and gratitude in her eyes.

  “Good night,” she told me, her eyes never leaving mine. Then she steeled herself and opened the door into her bedroom with Denny.

  Alone in the hallway, I stared at their closed door for several minutes. The remembered feel of Kiera in my arms returned to me, the smell of her hair, the warmth in her eyes, the comfort of her body pressed against mine. For a split second I wondered what it would be like if Denny left and never came back. Would Kiera see me as anything other than a playboy rock star if we were alone in the house? Would I want her to see me as more?

  Shaking my head, I opened my bedroom door and walked inside. It didn’t matter if she would have developed an interest in me or not. That wasn’t what was happening here. Denny wasn’t leaving her, he was just going away for a couple of months. No big deal. They were fine, absolutely fine, and for some weird reason, that thought made me a little sad.

  Denny and Kiera were attached at the hip while they counted down the minutes until he left, but I managed to get Denny alone. “Hey, can I talk to you?”

  “Of course. What is it?”

  I had no idea how to say what I wanted to say without sounding rude…so I just said it. “I saw how upset Kiera was when you told her you were leaving. Are you sure about this?”

  Denny frowned, like he thought I’d overstepped my bounds. Maybe I had. “It’s just a few months.” His expression shifted to excitement. “You don’t understand what this could mean for me, Kellan. This could be the beginning of something great.”

  I held my tongue, but all I could think was It could also be the end of something even better.

  On the day Denny had to leave, I offered to drive him to the airport, since I didn’t know what else I could do. Kiera’s eyes were only on Denny as we made our way to Sea-Tac. Denny’s eyes, however, were locked on me the entire drive there.

  Inside the airport, I gave my two friends some space to say their goodbyes. It was an emotional moment, and I found it hard to watch Kiera’s obvious struggle. Her devotion…I’d never seen anyone care that much. Certainly no one had ever cared that much about me.

  They broke apart after a passionate kiss. Denny said something that had to be goodbye, kissed her cheek, and then made his way over to me. He smiled as I said goodbye, then he glanced back at Kiera. When he returned his attention to me, his face was completely different. Hard, almost. Leaning in, he whispered, “I need your word that you won’t touch her while I’m gone. That you’ll look out for her, but you’ll stay as far away as possible. You understand what I’m saying?” He pulled back, his expression deadly serious.

  Shocked, I flicked a quick glance at Kiera watchi
ng us. Was he seriously warning me not to sleep with his girlfriend? Did he really think I would? Yes, I liked Kiera…I cared about her a lot, actually…but she was his, and I respected that. I respected him. I would never…

  Denny stuck his hand out. I nodded once, dumbfounded, then reached out and clenched his hand. Somehow shaking hands felt more like we were making a pact than saying our goodbyes. “I won’t…I would never do anything to hurt you like that, Denny.”

  Denny gave me a brief smile in response to my oath, then turned and blew Kiera a kiss before he headed to security. It took me a minute to process everything that had just happened. I always thought Denny saw the best in me…but he must not trust me as much as I thought if he believed I’d do something like that while he was gone. Even Evan thought he had to warn me…Was that the person people saw when they looked at me? Was that who I was?

  Kiera was staring at the space Denny had just left, and tears were starting to form in her eyes. I figured she was about fifteen seconds away from a meltdown, and I also figured she didn’t want to do that in the middle of the airport, so I quickly ushered her back to the car.

  She held it together until we hit the freeway, then she completely fell apart. I’d never seen someone so torn before, like her soul had been shredded into pieces. Her pain made me ache, and I found it really hard to understand why Denny would put her through this. I wanted to fix her, wanted to take away all of her pain, wanted to protect her from ever feeling that way again. I realized I couldn’t do any of those things though, so I simply drove her home, set her up on the couch with some water and a box of tissues, and sat in the chair beside her to keep her company.

  Hoping it would take her mind off things, I found something funny on the TV for us to watch. It seemed to work. After a few chuckles, her complexion was brighter and she wasn’t going through nearly as many tissues. I watched Kiera more than the movie. Her eyes were greener in her pain, and she chewed on her lip while she watched the ridiculous movie. I suddenly wished I could sit beside her on the couch, maybe wrap an arm around her, give her my shoulder to cry on, but I’d promised Denny I’d keep my distance.

  Eventually her tears dried up. I could see the exhaustion on her face when she lay down on the couch, and it didn’t surprise me at all when she fell asleep before the movie was over. She probably hadn’t slept at all last night. I found a light blanket and laid it over her curled body. She stirred a little and smiled, like she knew I’d done that for her.

  I stood over her, watching her for the longest time. A strand of hair had fallen over her cheek and across her lips. Her light breath was making the ends flutter, and I was positive that any second, it would tickle her awake. Careful to be slow and gentle, I lifted the strand from her face and tucked it behind her ear; it was silky between my fingers.

  Kiera didn’t move, so I figured she was still asleep. I knew I shouldn’t, but her exposed cheek was calling to me. My breath sped in anticipation and my lips parted. She really was incredibly beautiful. Even emotionally drained, with light circles under her eyes, she was stunning. The pad of my thumb brushed against her cheekbone. Her skin was so soft, I wanted to cup it in my palm, feel more of it beneath my fingers. I wanted to rub my cheek against hers, brush my lips across it. But I was already crossing the line right now, and I wouldn’t cross it any farther. Kiera and I had the foundation of a really nice friendship. It seemed too simple when put in those terms, but it was the only way I could describe us, and I wasn’t going to do anything to jeopardize our relationship, or mine and Denny’s, even if he didn’t fully trust me.

  I did my best over the next few days to make Kiera comfortable with her situation. Mainly I tried to keep her mind off it by filling up all of her free time. She unfortunately had a lot of time on her hands since she hadn’t started school yet.

  The more time we spent together, the more I enjoyed her company. She was smart, funny, insightful, and a pleasure to look at, especially when I could make her cheeks flush bright red. She was also silly and playful when she broke out of her shell, a fun fact I discovered when I successfully got her to dance and sing with me at the grocery store. I was supposed to be getting her mind off her loneliness, but she was actually getting my mind off mine.

  Sure, I flirted with girls on occasion, because a woman’s touch wasn’t something I was ready to give up just now, but I couldn’t even recall the last time I’d slept with someone. It felt like forever, but I rarely thought about sex anymore. Well, I rarely thought about sex with girls I didn’t know anymore. I did on occasion have steamy, and really inappropriate, thoughts about Kiera. And dreams. Sweet Jesus, the dreams. Some of the ones I had about her had me hard enough to cut glass when I woke up. But I didn’t let that affect our friendship, or my promise to Denny. Both people meant too much to me.

  I was having a rather inappropriate thought about what she might look like soaking wet when I heard her knock on my door one evening. I’d just gotten out of the shower and was a little soaked myself when I told her she could come in.

  Shoving away the image of water dripping between her breasts, I threw on a bright, friendly smile as she pushed the door open. “What’s up?”

  She was standing in the doorway, staring at me with her mouth open. She probably hadn’t expected me to be only half dressed. She closed her mouth, attempted to compose herself, then started stammering. It was a cute reaction, and one I wasn’t used to. Maybe she thought about me naked too? No, no way.

  “Um…I was wondering…if I could go with you…to Razors…listen to the band…”

  “Really?” I grabbed my shirt off my bed, surprised. Razors was a small bar that we were playing at tonight. Kiera heard the band so often at Pete’s that hearing us there would be a little monotonous. If that was what she wanted though, I’d love her company. “You’re not sick of listening to me yet?” I winked as I put on my shirt. She had to be a little over it.

  She swallowed, like she was still taken aback by my body. Hmmm, on second thought, maybe I should be half-naked in front of her more often. Her distraction was alluring.

  Friends. Just friends.

  “No…not yet,” she said. Almost as an afterthought, she added, “It will give me something to do, anyway.”

  I laughed at her comment. It always came back to Denny, and the perpetual waiting game she was playing. Finished getting dressed, I went to my dresser to get the styling product I used on my hair and tousled up the mess into ordered chaos.

  When I looked back at Kiera, she was engrossed with watching me. “Sure, I’m almost ready to go.” I sat down to pull on my boots and patted the bed so Kiera would join me. When she did, I found that I liked having her beside me; her clean fresh scent wrapped around me, and even without touching her, I somehow felt a warmth I’d never had before. But I knew I shouldn’t think stuff like that.

  The show turned out really nice, and I was glad that Kiera had a chance to see it. Once the set was over and our stuff was packed up, I made sure to thank the employees for having us, and the patrons for coming down to see us, or at least putting up with us, if they hadn’t known we were playing. As I was hugging the bartender goodbye, a forward girl put her hand on my back pocket and squeezed my ass. When I looked over my shoulder at her, she said, “Have any plans tonight?”

  My eyes darted from her to Kiera, standing by the doors, watching. Not too long ago, I would have agreed to go anywhere this woman wanted me to go, but things were different now, and I didn’t want to go anywhere with her. And besides, I couldn’t. I actually did have plans.

  “Sorry, I do.” She frowned, so I gave her a kiss on the cheek. Hopefully it was enough to make her happy.

  Kiera was in a great mood on the ride home. She was staring at me like she was mesmerized. I wasn’t sure why, until I realized I was quietly singing the last song we’d played.

  “I love that one,” she told me. I nodded. I already knew that. No matter what she was doing, she always stopped and listened to “Remember Me” whe
never we played it at Pete’s.

  “It seems important to you,” she asked, suddenly inquisitive. “Does it mean something?”

  She almost seemed embarrassed for asking, like she’d done it without thinking again. Her question caught me off guard, as did her insight. And her concern. Most girls didn’t notice my lyrics when they were around me. “Huh,” was all I could come up with to say.

  Of course, that wasn’t enough for her. “What?” she asked, her voice timid.

  In that one simple word, I could almost hear her begging me to open up to her. The idea of her knowing what that song meant to me, what I was really singing about, didn’t scare me like it had when I’d first watched her reaction to it. I felt very comfortable with her. I wasn’t comfortable enough to open up and tell her every sob story I had inside me, but I was comfortable enough to not be afraid of confiding small pieces of myself to her. So long as she didn’t ask for too much, and she didn’t push when I didn’t want her to.

  With a warm, carefree smile, I told her, “No one’s ever asked me that before. Well, no one outside the band, that is.” I paused, wondering if I wanted to crack open the confession door just yet. “Yes…” I murmured, looking over at her. She blinked and turned my way, her eyes wide with some emotion I couldn’t even begin to place. Losing myself in the shape of her mouth, the shine in her eyes, I let a section of my heart spill out. “It means a lot to me…”

  What I’ve hoped all my life to have. What my parents could never give me. What I know I’m not worthy of…someone’s love. That’s what it means to me.

  A slice of unexpected pain jarred my heart. I didn’t want to tell Kiera any more, didn’t want more pain to seep out, so I tightened my mental defenses and studied the lines on the road, hoping she would get the hint. Thankfully she didn’t ask me to elaborate. Kiera always seemed to understand when she was pressing on a scar, and I was grateful that she backed off before she tore it open.