Thoughtful

by S. C. Stephens

  There were booths everywhere, selling everything from T-shirts to cotton candy. Artists had their work on display; there were a lot of wild animal prints, landscape prints, and prints of Seattle. As we passed near the Space Needle, Kiera’s eyes traveled to the observation deck at the top. Leaning in so she could hear me, I told her, “We can go up later, if you want?”

  Her eyes flashed with green in the sunshine, and she gave me an eager nod. I had to laugh at her enthusiasm.

  Once we got into the main part of the Center, the crowds thickened. I could hear music playing in all directions. Oddly, it blended well with the noise of the people ambling around, creating a pleasing, energizing melee of melodies. It amped me up. I was ready to check out one of the many stages, to hear some new tunes.

  Matt and Griffin had the map and instantly started leading the way. Evan followed after them while Kiera and I brought up the rear. I made sure to keep a tight hold on her hand as we weaved through the packed crowds. When we got to the outdoor stage where Mischief’s Muse was playing, Kiera squeezed my hand. I smiled and pulled her closer to me. I was not losing her in the masses.

  The guys wanted the best seats in the house, and Matt wanted to check out the band’s equipment, so they shoved their way toward the front of the stage. I could tell from the look on Kiera’s face that she didn’t want to enter the rowdy pit of people near the front, so I stopped us well near the back. We still had a good view, but we weren’t being bothered. Too much. We were being jostled by people going around us, wanting to get closer to the stage. Kiera was pressed tight into my side, trying to get out of their way, but it still wasn’t enough.

  Wanting her safe as well as comfortable, I pulled her in front of me so I’d take the bulk of the hits. I slipped my arms around her waist so she’d be even more protected from the people around us. Well, and because I wanted to put my arms around her; it felt completely natural to hold her when she was directly in front of me like she was. Anything else would have felt awkward. It was still a poor excuse though, and I knew it. I was beginning to push on a line I shouldn’t be messing with.

  Kiera didn’t seem to mind my arms around her. She left her hands tangled with mine around her stomach and leaned back against my chest. She seemed just as comfortable as I was as she watched the band and the crowds. She turned her head to focus on something to the far right of the stage, and my gaze followed. My bandmates were over there, getting high by the looks of it. None of the guys did any hard drugs, but they did smoke pot on occasion, Griffin especially. Personally, I didn’t care for the stuff; I’d rather have beer, but I didn’t care if they did it.

  I looked down at Kiera, wondering if she’d care. With a smile, I shrugged. She seemed reassured by my gesture, so I figured she was okay with it and returned my eyes to the show. That was when everything changed for me. Kiera let out a long exhale, like she was finally breathing for the first time in weeks. I was just thinking how glad I was that I’d made her come out with us when I felt her body shifting. At first, I thought she was just done with having a strange man’s arms around her, so I let her go. But she didn’t step away from me. No, she turned into me.

  Her arms slipped around my waist, holding me tight, and her head rested on my chest. Every muscle in my body instantly locked with tension. Her fingers against my side started stroking back and forth in a calming, rhythmic pattern, and she inhaled another deep, cleansing breath. Was she just getting more comfortable? She definitely couldn’t see more of the show this way, since my chest partially blocked her vision, so it had to be about comfort.

  As I relaxed into her embrace, wrapping my arms tight around her, I immediately started feeling that comfort. It was a warmth brighter than the sun radiating in the sky. It was a buoyancy lighter than floating on the water.

  I knew I was overstepping so many boundaries right now that it was ridiculous, but I couldn’t help myself. Holding her—just holding her—felt better than anything I’d felt in a while. If I was going to be honest with myself, I’d wanted to hold her like this for some time now, I just hadn’t had a good reason to. I knew this would hurt Denny if he could see it, and hurting him was the last thing I wanted to do, but goddamn…I needed this, and for the moment, I was going to be a selfish asshole.

  Closing my eyes, I stroked my thumbs across her back and inhaled the heady scent of her. I’d never had anything like this feeling, and I desperately wanted to keep it going. I’m sorry, Denny, but I can’t let her go. I kind of never wanted to let her go.

  I did though. We broke apart before the guys returned to us. I didn’t want any of them thinking things they shouldn’t—well, anything more than they already thought about us. Holding hands in a place like this was harmless enough, and they’d already seen us do it, so I continued keeping a firm grip on her. I was anxious though, wanting to get to the next musician, not so I could hear the music but so I could feel that connection with Kiera again. So I could touch her, wrap my arms around her, feel her arms wrapped around me. It was the most unbelievable thing I’d ever known, and I never wanted it to end.

  At each act, Kiera and I paused farther and farther back. I’d watch for Evan, Matt, and Griffin to disappear in the mass of gyrating bodies, then I’d smile at Kiera and wrap my arms around her. I loved having her head right over my heart, her shoulder tucked under mine. My arm wrapped around her back and my fingers brushed against her rib cage. It took every shred of willpower I had to not lean down and kiss her head. I satisfied the instinct by resting my cheek against her hair. It was heaven. Pure, painful heaven, because as nice as it was, I knew it wasn’t right. Denny wouldn’t like this…

  We stayed locked together in some way the entire day, and even though half of Seattle seemed to be packed into the Center, it felt like Kiera and I were alone. We talked about the bands we’d seen. I’d only been half listening to them, but Kiera had been paying attention. Her first remark about any band I asked her about was always “Well, they’re definitely not as good as you, but…” Her eyes shone when she said it too, like she really meant it. I was on cloud nine all day long.

  Even the inquisitive glances Evan was giving us didn’t ruin my natural buzz. I continued to ignore the innuendo in his gaze, but thankfully, after Matt passed around his “adult juice” during lunch, his meaningful looks became less frequent. I knew Evan would question me about today though; it was just a matter of time.

  I didn’t want to think about that, or anything, so I concentrated all of my focus on Kiera. She had my complete and total attention today. And once again, I couldn’t help but think that I’d started out the day wanting to help her, but it had turned out to be her who was helping me. I hoped one day I could be a little less selfish around her.

  After lunch we all goofed around in the amusement park for a bit. Leaving the guys at the rides, Kiera and I did our own thing. It was fun. Kiera laughed a lot and smiled even more, which made me even happier. I even managed to win her a teddy bear—that only cost me about thirty bucks—but we promptly gave it to a little girl who was having a meltdown over a ruined ice cream cone. I will never forget the look on Kiera’s face when she watched me give that toy away. It was almost…adoring.

  Once we rejoined the guys, we hit up some of the bigger acts. Like they had all day, the guys disappeared into the swarm of the crowd, and Kiera and I melded together once they were gone. At the last show of the night, we were near the back of the crowd, but not as close to the edge as we’d been before. It was pretty tight around us, and Kiera and I were holding each other so close, we were almost one person. I ran my fingers through her hair as her fingers swirled a pattern on my chest. My heart sped up at her nearness combined with the darkness, and I hoped she couldn’t hear it.

  The song blaring through the speakers was a popular song on the radio, and I sang along to it. It was a slower song, and I swayed my body a little as I sang. Kiera matched my movement, and before long, we were sort of slow dancing together. I stopped singing and just enjoyed the m
oment. I pulled her tight for a hug, and she returned the sentiment. It made my heart beat even harder that she’d hugged me back. Why does touching you feel so good? And will it stop the second I drive you home?

  I didn’t want it to stop, but I knew it should. What we were doing was stupid and dangerous. Someone was going to get hurt. Denny was going to get hurt. Even though I knew that, my fingers drifted from her hair down to her back, caressing her. I so badly wanted to allow them to drift farther down, to feel them curve around her backside. I wanted to feel her, all of her, but she’d probably slap me if I took it that far. And that’s not what this was about anyway. This wasn’t about sex, this was about our connection.

  I still wanted to feel her body though. I wanted to bend down and kiss her too, but I shoved both desires aside. Dancing with her was enough. Dancing with her was amazing. Better than any sex I’d ever had.

  I didn’t want the song to end, I didn’t want the show to end, but eventually both did. Kiera and I loosened our holds on each other as the crowd around us dispersed. Maybe I was reading too much into it, but she seemed reluctant to break apart from me, like she’d enjoyed the closeness just as much as I had.

  She was clearly exhausted though. When the guys joined up with us, they were wired, practically bouncing off the walls, but Kiera could hardly walk in a straight line anymore. Still holding her hand, I led her through the thinning crowds and back to the car. I did a quick inspection of the Chevelle, but it seemed okay.

  Evan and Matt got in the car, and Griffin held the door open for Kiera. He was half-lit at this point, and I could only imagine what he might try to do to her if she sat with him. I was about to tell him to switch with Evan when Kiera crawled into the front seat, between me and Evan, instead of the back. Griffin instantly pouted, and I shot him a smile as I got into the car after her. Sorry, Griff, no fondling this trip.

  Spent, Kiera laid her head on my shoulder. She was out like a light by the time we reached the freeway. I could almost hear Evan looking at me; the entire right side of my face burned from his stare, but I concentrated on the road. Nothing to see here, Evan, I swear.

  When we got to Pete’s, Kiera was still sleeping, so I made sure I didn’t jostle her too much when I pulled into the parking lot. I stopped my car behind Griffin’s van to let everybody out. Matt and Griffin hopped out, and Griffin started animatedly telling Matt all about how amazing it was going to be when the D-Bags ruled Bumbershoot. Matt, for once, seemed to agree with him.

  Evan got out, asked Matt and Griffin a question, then turned back to me. “Hey, Kellan, we’re gonna stay at Pete’s. You comin’?” By the look on his face, it was clear that he wanted me to.

  I looked down at Kiera asleep on my shoulder. She was wiped. Waking her up and dragging her into the bar didn’t seem fair. Neither did leaving her in the car, not that I would ever leave her alone and vulnerable like that. “No, I’ll pass tonight. I think I’ll get her to bed.”

  Evan just stared at me in response. He was torn, I could see that much. He knew I was right, I needed to get her home, but he was worried about what might happen if I took off with her. I wished he wouldn’t worry about stuff like that. Nothing was going to happen. Not while she was happy with Denny.

  After a long pause, he finally told me, “Be careful, Kellan. You don’t need another Joey and…Denny is a friend, man.”

  Even though I knew he was thinking it, it stung to hear him say it. I cringed as I thought over how I could possibly explain to him what Kiera and I were. What she meant to me. What Denny meant to me. That I’d never hurt either of them. It was hard to say though, because…I’d really enjoyed holding Kiera today. A lot more than I should have; I already wanted to hold her like that again.

  In a soft voice, I made myself tell him, “Evan, it’s not like that. I wouldn’t…” Wouldn’t what? Betray Denny? Make a play for Kiera? Hadn’t I already, just by allowing today’s events to happen? Feeling guilty and wanting out of this conversation, I gave Evan the response I knew he wanted to hear. “Don’t worry. Yeah, maybe I’ll drop in later.”

  By the smile on his face, I could tell he was satisfied with my answer and he fully expected to see me tonight. “All right, see ya.”

  He closed the door and I let out a long, cleansing exhale. I didn’t like what Evan was thinking, but I could understand why he was thinking it. I hadn’t always cared about other people’s relationships. Since every relationship was temporary anyway, there usually wasn’t a reason to let that little tidbit get in the way. But Denny and Kiera were different; they were supposed to be together. I needed to back off and just be Kiera’s friend, because she really needed one right now.

  My mind spun and battled while I drove us home. I wanted her friendship, I wanted her arms around me, and I wanted her and Denny to stay together and be obscenely happy. The three desires weren’t compatible, even I knew that, and I also knew that if the physical side of Kiera’s and my relationship continued, it could lead to more. If left unchecked, it might lead to sex, and that would destroy everything, for all three of us. Unless I was strong enough to not let it go that far. Then, maybe I could have the closeness, the connection that I’d had today, but Denny and Kiera could still be a strong couple. Maybe. But it would require a lot of willpower, and ignoring my urges was not something I’d ever been much good at.

  When we pulled into the driveway, I shut the car off and looked down at Kiera sleeping on me. She seemed so comfortable, so content. I wanted to stroke her hair, cup her cheek, kiss her forehead. A surging desire was building in me to put both my arms around her and hold her tight. To tell her how much she meant to me, that no one saw me the way she did, no one cared for me the way she did. To tell her I cared about her in a way that sometimes scared the crap out of me. She was comfort and pain, wrapped up in one beautiful package…that wasn’t mine.

  I couldn’t say any of that though, so I simply stared at her and thanked whatever fates there were for bringing her into my life.

  After a moment, she yawned, stretched, and lifted her head from my shoulder. It was nice to look into her eyes again, but an ache was already shooting through me with the loss of her touch.

  “Hey, sleepy,” I whispered, resisting the urge to pull her in close again. “I was beginning to think I’d have to carry you.” I was hoping I would get to carry you.

  The imagery seemed to embarrass her. Her eyes were dark in the minimal light, and they flicked away from me as she apologized. “Oh…sorry.”

  I laughed as I pictured her cheeks flaming red. So endearing. “It’s all right. I wouldn’t have minded.” I actually would have loved it. “Did you have fun?”

  A wide smile broke over her face. “Yes, a lot. Thank you for inviting me.”

  The genuine sincerity in her eyes, in her voice was almost too much to bear. You would think I had done something spectacular from the way she was looking at me with such adoration. But I hadn’t done anything. Once again, she was the one who had lifted me up. That was the best afternoon I’d had in…years. “You’re welcome.”

  “Sorry you had to hang back with me and miss all the moshing.”

  She laughed as she said it, and I shared in her mirth as I looked back at her. “Don’t be. I’d rather hold a beautiful girl than be all bruised tomorrow.” Oops. I probably shouldn’t have said that. It probably wasn’t appropriate for me to call her beautiful, but…she was, and she should know it. Besides, today had been a day full of inappropriateness. What was one more incident?

  Thrown off by my praise, Kiera looked down. Not wanting her to feel awkward or uncomfortable around me, I changed the subject. “Well, come on. I’ll get you inside.”

  I turned toward my door to open it. In the edge of my vision, I saw her shaking her head. “No, you don’t have to do that. I can manage. You can go on to Pete’s.”

  My head snapped around at her comment. How did she know about that? She’d been sleeping when Evan and I had been talking…right? If she hadn’t, if she�
�d heard Evan’s comment and my weak-ass attempt to defend myself, she might think…well, she might think I was just some sleazy guy who was trying to get in her pants, like Evan had implied. I wasn’t though. I just wanted…I just wanted to be near her. That was all. I wanted a connection with her. Sex was the last thing I wanted.

  Maybe seeing my confusion, or panic, I wasn’t sure, Kiera shrugged and said, “I’m guessing that’s where the other D-Bags went off to?”

  She wasn’t looking at me like I was a creep, so I relaxed. “Yeah, I don’t have to go though. I mean, if you don’t want to be alone. We could order pizza, watch a movie, or something.” Anything you want, let’s just keep this going a little while longer.

  Her stomach suddenly grumbled, like it was on my side. Kiera laughed through her embarrassment. The smile on her face was incredible. “Okay, apparently my stomach votes for option two.”

  I grinned. I was going to have to order the best pizza in town to thank her stomach. “All right, then.”

  I cracked my door open, stepped out, then held it for her. She crawled out on my side, grabbing my hand as she exited. Her hand was warm and soft, and the connection was instant. Even though we’d been touching like this all day long, I couldn’t get enough. It was such a small thing, really, but I was already addicted to it.

  Chapter 8

  Cuddling

  I was worried when I woke up the next morning. Worried that Kiera would say we’d taken things too far at Bumbershoot. I wasn’t sure what to expect when she came down for coffee, but giving her a warm smile, I started pouring her a cup. I wanted to hug her, put an arm around her…something, but there really was no reason for me to touch her like that. There were no crowds to keep back in my kitchen.

  Then she came up to me and rested her head on my shoulder while she let out a long yawn. The tension eased from me as I wrapped an arm around her. It was almost as if she was silently asking me to hold her. She wanted this too. That amazed me.