Thoughtful

by S. C. Stephens

  “Hey, Griff,” I casually said.

  Griffin immediately frowned. “I already told Matt I’d help bring shit in, so no need to get on my case about it.”

  I shook my head. “I wasn’t going to. I was just thinking…Matt’s a little high-strung lately, right?”

  Griffin turned to me. “Abso-fucking-lutely. Son of a bitch has been pissing me off left and right. He’s got a stick shoved up his ass so far, his eyes are turning brown.”

  I blinked at Griffin’s turn of phrase, then smiled and suggested, “Maybe he needs a distraction?”

  Griffin gave me a blank stare. “Huh?” I was about to respond when the lights clicked on and he added, “Oh, you mean a chick? Fuck yeah, let’s get him laid.” A slow smile spread over his face and he patted my shoulder. Before I could agree or disagree, he told me, “Don’t worry. I got this.”

  I was frowning as he walked away. Putting Griffin in charge of anything was usually a bad idea. Seeing my expression, Evan walked over. “What’s up?”

  I jerked my thumb at where Griffin was disappearing around the side of the building. So much for helping us bring shit in. “I think I just made a tactical error. I thought maybe Matt could use some company of the female persuasion, and now Griffin is on a mission to find him a girl.”

  Evan looked over at where Griffin had disappeared. He was silent a moment, then said, “You know that’s going to end badly, don’t you?”

  I gave him a half smile in answer. Yep. I did. Matt was going to kill me.

  Matt was fine throughout the set, no different than he usually was, so I thought maybe Griffin had failed. I should have known better. Matt was gone when Evan and I began tearing down the instruments; Griffin was whistling. That right there should have clued me in to an upcoming problem. I was clueless though, and didn’t think anything of it until Evan and I were wrestling his drum set into the van.

  Completely red in the face, Matt came storming out the back door. Evan and I paused as we watched him. It had started to drizzle, and I swear the raindrops around Matt were evaporating in his anger. “Who the hell did that?” he shouted into the alley.

  Evan and I exchanged a glance while Griffin sniggered. Great. What the hell did Griffin do now? Setting the drum down on the concrete, I took a tentative step forward. “Did what? What’s wrong?”

  Matt clenched his fists, furious. “Hired a hooker for me,” he seethed.

  My jaw dropped, and I flashed a look at Griffin. He was full-on laughing now. Pointing a finger at me, he said, “Kell told me to.”

  I immediately held my palms up in supplication. “No, I didn’t.”

  Matt ignored Griffin and glared at me. “What the hell?”

  I shook my head, wondering how I was going to get out of this one. Fucking Griffin. I knew I should have been supervising him better. “All I said was maybe you could use some company…” I shut my mouth. That didn’t sound any better than hiring him a prostitute.

  Matt started vibrating. “A whore? That’s what you thought I needed?”

  I shook my head again. “No! Griffin took it the wrong way. I just—”

  Matt cut me off with a wave of his hand. “I’m done with you fuckers. I’m taking a cab back.”

  I gave Matt a look of disbelief. Taking a cab this distance would cost him more than we made tonight. It was stupid. “Look, if you don’t want to ride with Griffin and the instruments, I understand, but you can at least ride back with me.” There really wasn’t enough room for everyone and all our stuff, so I almost always drove my car to gigs.

  Matt raised a pale eyebrow. “I said I’m taking a cab.” With that, he turned and headed back into the bar.

  “Matt! You’re being ridiculous. It’s not like you slept with her!” I yelled. Pausing, I reconsidered. “Did you sleep with her?” He was gone a long time.

  Griffin was practically rolling on the ground in laughter now. I started to go after Matt, but Evan grabbed my arm. “I think I better handle this one,” he told me. Shaking his head at Griffin, he headed into the bar after Matt.

  I looked back at Griffin with my brows bunched. “You’re an idiot.”

  Griffin wiped tears from his eyes. “Do you think he nailed her?” He started laughing again and I sighed. This was going to be a very long night.

  It took Evan two hours to convince Matt to get into my car. Even though I apologized more than a half dozen times, he didn’t say a word to me on the drive home. I’d have to make it up to him somehow. I dropped him off at Evan’s, since he didn’t want to be alone with Griffin, then I made my way home. I was exhausted as I trudged up the stairs, but I paused at Kiera’s door with a stupid smile on my face. I couldn’t wait to see her. And since it was so incredibly late, I’d only have to wait a few hours. One small benefit of staying out almost all night.

  My body had other plans though. I woke up much later than I usually did. Guess I was more tired than I thought. That happened on occasion. My body rebelled against my schedule and I’d sleep for twelve hours straight. Fortunately, it wasn’t that bad this time.

  Once my mind cleared to alertness, I sat up and started doing some push-ups. That woke me up even better than coffee. I heard the water running while I worked out, and figured Denny was getting ready for work. That probably meant Kiera was downstairs, waiting for me. I paused in a plank position, then sprang to my feet. I wanted to see her more than I wanted to keep my muscles trim.

  Quick as a rabbit, I slipped on some pants and a clean shirt. Opening my door, I was just about to start humming to myself when I noticed an odd sound coming from the bathroom. There were banging noises, like someone was moving around in the shower, and under that…there were moans and groans. Someone was having sex in the shower. My stomach twisted into a giant knot while I listened to the unmistakable sound of Kiera in ecstasy. From the way her moans were increasing, I’d say she was well on her way to climaxing. With Denny. He was inside her right now. Pushing into her. Making her cry out with how much she wanted it. Wanted him. She wanted him…

  I looked over to their bedroom door, hoping, praying, that Kiera would step through it. That somehow, some way, Denny was screwing a different woman right now. But Kiera didn’t step out of her room, because she was the other woman. No. I was the other man in this situation. And if I was going to keep having any sort of relationship with Kiera, dealing with this was just something I would have to do. I couldn’t freak out on her like before. I had to keep things light, easy. That was the only way I could keep her.

  My vision hazed and the knot in my stomach traveled up my throat. I was going to be sick…I just knew it. I headed downstairs as quickly as I could, but I wasn’t quick enough. I tried not to listen, but I clearly heard Kiera’s final cry as she came…with another man.

  I bypassed the kitchen and headed for the downstairs bathroom. I made it just in time to be sick in the toilet instead of the hallway. Luckily there really wasn’t anything in my stomach. I flushed the bile away, then sat back on my heels. Tears stung my eyes, but I fought them down. I had known this would happen. I had to let it happen. I can share her. I can share her. I can do this…

  Standing, I walked to the sink and ducked down to rinse out my mouth. When I was more or less put back together, I stumbled into the kitchen and prepared some coffee. Today was just a normal day. No need to let this affect me. The sound of Kiera coming rang through my ears as I poured my cup though. Hers was still sitting on the counter, cold. She’d come downstairs first, and I hadn’t been here…and Denny had swept her away.

  I put her mug in the microwave, then sat down at the table and made myself drink. My hands were shaking. I heard the lovebirds coming downstairs before I saw them. With a deep inhale, I prepared myself for nonchalance. Denny was all smiles when he walked into the room. Well, of course. He’d just had a mind-blowing orgasm with a beautiful woman. I’d be smiling too. “G’day, mate.”

  “Mornin’…mate.” I did my best to not have any bitterness in my voice. This w
asn’t Denny’s fault. This wasn’t anyone’s fault. It just…was.

  Kiera didn’t look quite as happy as Denny. She looked uncomfortable. Guilty. Her wet hair was a painful reminder of what she’d just done, so I concentrated on my coffee. I heard Denny kiss her, then he said, “Now I’m going to be late. You’re worth it though.” I knew what he meant by that, and my stomach churned again. I forced it to settle down. I did not want to have to run to the bathroom again.

  After Denny said goodbye and left, quietness blanketed the kitchen. I broke it first. “I put your coffee in the microwave. It was cold…”

  She walked over to the microwave, started it, then said my name. “Kellan…I’m—”

  “Don’t,” I said, interrupting her. I didn’t want to hear an excuse. I didn’t need one, and she didn’t owe me one.

  “But…”

  Standing up, I walked over to her. I paused well away from her. I just couldn’t be near her right now. Not yet. “You don’t owe me an explanation…” I stared at the floor, unable to look at her. “And you definitely don’t owe me an apology.” I raised my eyes to hers. “So just…don’t say anything, please.”

  Sympathetic pain flashed over her face, and tears pricked her eyes as she held her arms open for me. “Come here.”

  I hesitated, torn. I wanted to hold her, more than anything, but the sounds of her and Denny weren’t leaving me. I felt like I’d just been electrocuted, and the residual jolts were still crashing through my body, frying me from the inside. I needed her though. She was my greatest pain, and my only salvation. She was the only one who could heal this hole in my heart, a hole she’d torn open.

  Slipping my arms around her waist, I buried my head in her neck. I could do this. I could love her and let her go, all at the same time. She rubbed my back as she held me. It hurt, because those hands had just been caressing Denny, but it was soothing too.

  “I’m sorry,” she whispered, her voice full of regret and pain; this was hard for her too. She didn’t like to hurt people, intentionally or otherwise.

  Her words were simple, but they worked. A small Band-Aid of love was placed over the gaping wound of hurt. It didn’t completely heal the void, but it at least kept me from bleeding out. I exhaled a cleansing breath and nodded against her shoulder.

  I love you, and you don’t need to apologize, because there is nothing to forgive. You’re not mine…

  Chapter 16

  My Girl

  I drove Kiera to class like normal, but things didn’t entirely feel normal between us. The wall separating us had gotten just a little larger. But I had the power to fix this, to let the hurt go; I just had to be strong enough to do it. I made myself be funny, made myself be light and carefree. Once Kiera was safely tucked into her classroom, I felt exhausted from the effort. Even though I’d slept in today, I wanted to take a nap. I couldn’t though. I had to start mending things with Matt, and now seemed as good a time as any. I didn’t want to let this sit and fester too.

  I headed over to Evan’s, since that was where Matt had crashed. Surprisingly, Griffin’s van was parked there. After the way things had ended, I’d kind of assumed Matt would have a restraining order against Griffin. Roxie approached me as I crossed the street. Wiping her hands clean on a rag, she said, “Hey, Kell. Miss the sleepover?” She indicated Griffin’s van with a tilt of her head.

  I laughed at the look on her face. “Yeah, apparently, I did.” And I kind of wished I hadn’t. My morning would have gone a lot differently if I’d woken up over here.

  Evan’s door was locked when I tried to open it, so I knocked and patiently waited for someone to unlock it. When no one did, I knocked harder. There was a gruff sound of mumbled voices, followed by a curse or two, then the door unlocked and cracked open. A pale blue eye framed by long strands of dirty-blond hair stared at me through the open space. “Kellan? You’re about a hundred years early for practice. Unless you’re here to make breakfast, go away and let us sleep.”

  Griffin started to close the door, but I stopped it with my palm. “I was checking on Matt. He still mad at us?”

  Griffin scoffed, like I’d said something funny. Opening the door wider, he pointed to a confusing pile of blankets and pillows on the floor near the couch. “Nah, he’s fine. We got him wasted to the point where he told us he loved us all.” Scratching his head, he let out a low laugh. “He even told Roxie he wanted to marry her when she showed up this morning.”

  My eyes widened at that news. If they’d been partying late enough to see her, then they’d just recently gone to bed. No wonder Griffin’s eyes were bloodshot and he was wobbling on his feet. I glanced at Evan’s mattress in the corner; he was snoring so loud, I could hear it over the shop noise downstairs. Matt was quiet, but the mountain of blankets moved up and down in a rhythmic fashion. He was sleeping too.

  Clapping Griffin’s shoulder, I told him, “Good. I didn’t want him mad at me for something you did.”

  Griffin looked offended for a fraction of a second, then smiled. “Fucker’s always mad at me for something. You get used to it after a while.”

  He yawned and I shook my head. “All right. I’ll let you guys get back to your nap then. You look like you need it.”

  Reaching down, Griffin grabbed his junk and gave it a squeeze. “What I need is for Lola to drive down here and give me a freebie. Hooker or not, that chick was hot!”

  I pulled the door closed while he was preoccupied with himself. “Night, Griffin.”

  Since things with Matt were sorted out quicker than I thought they would be, I had some time on my hands. When I got home, I decided to pull out my guitar. I sat on the couch and played random rhythms. I used to do that when I was younger. Just play whatever came to mind, with no meaning or direction behind it. It was freeing, and it cleared my head. There was no drama, there was no pain, there was only music. In its own way, this filled me with as much contentment as being with Kiera. Almost.

  I was lost in my impromptu song when the front door opened and Kiera walked through the doors. I checked my mental clock when I looked over at her, and knew she was very early. She must have skipped a class. I didn’t like that I was becoming a bad influence on her, but it did thrill me that she’d come home early just to spend time with me.

  Pausing my fingers on the fret board, I shifted the guitar so I could set it down. Walking over, Kiera sat beside me on the couch. “No, don’t stop. It’s beautiful.”

  I shifted my gaze to the floor, and even though I wasn’t looking at her, Kiera’s large, expressive eyes filled my vision. No, you’re beautiful; that was just me messing around. I set the instrument on her lap. “Here…try again.” I had tried teaching her before, but it hadn’t gone over too well. The sounds that she had produced from the instrument had been anything but soothing.

  When I glanced over, I saw her grimace. “It’s beautiful when you play it. Something seems to happen to it when I try.”

  Laughing, I twisted her on the couch so I could put my hands over hers. It was a happy bonus that I also got to hold her. “You just need to hold it right,” I whispered in her ear. I saw a shiver run through her body, and peeking at her face, I saw that her eyes were closed.

  It made me smile that being close to me affected her so much. When our fingers were in the right position, I told her, “Okay.” Seeing that her eyes were still closed, I nudged her shoulder with a short laugh. “Hey.” Her eyes flashed to mine and her cheeks heated in embarrassment. It was such an endearing expression, I laughed again. “Here…your fingers are perfect, right under mine.” Right where they belong. I held up a pick in my other hand. “Now, lightly strum it like this…” I stroked the strings and they sang for me.

  Kiera made a face, like she was sure she’d never be able to do what I’d just done. She took the pick when I placed it in her fingers though. She did what I did against the strings, but the sound was anything but beautiful. She just had a knack for being really bad at this. That was a skill in and of itself. I
locked our fingers together and strummed our connected hands against the instrument. It sang again, with me doing most of the work.

  Kiera relaxed into my body, and playing the song blind, I smiled at her. “This really isn’t so hard. I learned this one when I was six.” It was one of the first songs I had learned on the guitar, back when I’d taught myself to play.

  I gave her a playful wink and her cheeks softened with color. “Well…you’re just more talented with your fingers,” she replied.

  I froze as my mind instantly went into the gutter. When I laughed, she rolled her eyes and laughed too. “You have such a dirty mind. You and Griffin are a lot alike.”

  I grimaced as I remembered Griffin talking about a hooker while he fondled himself. God, I hoped we weren’t that much alike. “I can’t help it if I think that way around you.” Wishing I could do more than just think things about her, I removed my hands from the guitar. “You try.”

  To her credit, she didn’t give up until she’d made a noise that was somewhat melodic. I smiled when she giggled in delight at her accomplishment. I loved seeing the way her eyes glowed when she was happy, the way the corners compressed into warm wrinkles.

  Once she had that basic chord down, I showed her another one. After a few attempts, she had that one down too, and then she could sort of play the song I’d taught her. She played for a while, but then she started flexing her hand, and I knew she was done for the day.

  I set the guitar on the ground, pulled her into my chest, and started massaging her fingers. “You have to build up the strength for it,” I told her.

  Perfectly content, her only reply was, “Hmmmm…”

  I couldn’t help but notice she didn’t make any pleased noises this time. She was trying to make this easier for me, and I appreciated it. After a time, I stopped and simply held her. It was peaceful and wonderful, but I still wanted more. “Can we try something?” I quietly asked her.