Thoughtful

by S. C. Stephens

  Just as I was about to beg her to come upstairs with me, my fantasy crumbled. I heard soft footsteps entering the kitchen, and I knew the real Kiera had just found me. Looking toward the door, I saw that I was right. Kiera was standing in the grayness of the entryway, her eyes wide with shock. Fuck. No. I hadn’t wanted her to see this, to see my desperation, but…I guess she should know that I was moving on. Or trying to. Maybe if she saw me moving forward with other people, she’d stop looking at me with those hazel eyes full of longing. I couldn’t resist the longing. I couldn’t resist her. I needed a distraction; surely she understood that.

  My date hadn’t noticed Kiera. She was kissing my neck, stroking my cock through my jeans. A look of horror passed over Kiera as she understood what she was seeing. I’m sorry. I need you…and this is the only way I can be with you now.

  I knew I couldn’t turn and leave Kiera without an explanation, and I also knew I couldn’t give one with my date present. Turning back to the girl, I cooed, “Sweetheart…Could you wait upstairs for me? I need to speak with my roommate.” She nodded and I gave her a kiss.

  Breaking away, I told her, “The one on the right. I’ll be up in a second.” She giggled, and I contained a sigh. This wasn’t what I wanted.

  Silence fell over the kitchen as I watched the girl leave. I didn’t know what to say to Kiera. Did I really need to explain myself? Oddly, I did need to.

  To break the tension, I made a joke. An admittedly bad one, but I found the imagery funny, and I couldn’t stop myself from saying it. “Do you think Denny would be intrigued or upset if she opened the wrong door?”

  Kiera looked like she wanted to throw up. I hated seeing that expression on her, but this was for the best. For everyone. I turned to face her, to face what I could never have. Sadness threatened to overwhelm me as I stared at her. She was breathtaking in the near-darkness, a level of perfection that my fake Kiera upstairs could never come close to. I would give anything to tell that girl to leave, so that this Kiera could take her place…but that wasn’t my reality. I needed to do the right thing and set us both on the paths that would forever lead us away from each other.

  “You said before that you wanted to know when I was…seeing someone. Well…I guess I’m seeing someone.” Someone who I’m only interested in because she reminds me of you. Because I can’t get over you, but I have to. “I’m going to date. I told you I wouldn’t keep it a secret from you, so…I’m going upstairs now, and—”

  She made a face that clearly said I don’t want to hear this, and I stopped where I was going with that. She knew what was about to happen in my room. She didn’t need me glorifying any of it for her. I felt sick as I watched the conflicting emotions alter her expression. I don’t want this…I want you. “I said I wouldn’t hide it. I’m not. Full disclosure, right?”

  I suddenly wanted her approval to do this. I wanted her to tell me it was okay, that I wasn’t cheating on her, that I wasn’t hurting her. That she wanted me to find happiness, even if it was in someone else’s arms. If she was okay with this, then maybe I would be too. Maybe I could go upstairs and have sex with that woman…and not make her Kiera in my mind.

  Anger darkened Kiera’s features. As if she could sense my need for her acceptance, and she was in no way going to give it, she spat out, “Do you even know her name?”

  Disappointment washed through me, followed strangely by relief. If she was okay with this, then she really didn’t give a shit about me. Her voice was full of condemnation though, and she had no right to judge me over needing something to help me get over her. No right at all. “No, I don’t need to, Kiera.” All I need is for her to remind me of you. That’s it. Kiera’s expression turned even icier, and I inadvertently spoke my thoughts. “Don’t judge me…and I won’t judge you.”

  Angry, hurt, and feeling a mound of guilt over what I was about to do, I stormed out of the room. She had no right to make me feel like shit about this. I needed to get over her, I needed something to block the pain. This was the only course of action that she’d left me with.

  I jerked my door open when I got to my room. My date was sprawled on top of my bed, completely naked. “I’m ready for you, Kellan,” she purred, running a hand down her body.

  I shut my door, then started stripping off my clothes. I’m ready for you too…Kiera.

  Fifteen minutes later I was plunging inside of my date. I kept trying to hold on to the image of Kiera, but the girl I was with cried out in theatrical ways that were nothing like Kiera. It was almost as if my date was trying to wake the neighborhood. And even as my climax started building, I saw Kiera’s horrified expression. My date hit her peak with an explosion of loud expletives. I couldn’t come with her, I wasn’t ready.

  Blocking everything from my mind, I remembered making love to Kiera. The way she held me, the way she touched me. The way her moans were light in my ear. Powerful. Listening to Kiera’s climax usually brought on my own. I imagined that sound as I rocked into the girl beneath me.

  Kiera’s voice filled my mind. Oh God, Kellan…yes. Yes…

  I cringed in ecstasy as I felt the tension building. “Yes…Kiera, God yes…Kiera…” I felt the apex coming faster and faster. I clasped Kiera’s hand, needing her to guide me through it. “Yes,” I moaned in her ear. “Kiera…God, yes…”

  Kiera shifted beneath me, but my free hand reached down to steady her hips. “Don’t leave me, Kiera…stay with me…help me…love me…” I was murmuring nonsense now, but my climax was so close I didn’t care. I gasped as I came, and in my mind, I shouted Kiera’s name.

  After the shuddering waves of bliss left me, I slumped against Kiera. She was tense below me, not nearly as relaxed as I was…and that’s when I remembered that I wasn’t actually with Kiera. My date’s voice was cold as ice when she spoke. “Who…the fuck…is Kiera?”

  I pulled away from her and started panicking. The only thing I could think to say was, “I thought you said your name was…”

  She shoved me away from her. “No, my name is Trina, asshole.” Standing, she tossed on clothes as she spotted them.

  I gritted my teeth. Smooth. “Sorry.” Did she ever even tell me her name?

  It didn’t matter. I’d said another girl’s name in bed…repeatedly. There was no way to recover from that. Sitting up, I tried to make a peace offering. “Want me to drive you back to your car?”

  She glared at me as she put her top back on. “I’ll call a cab. You just stay here and get your rocks off on this Kiera chick. Fucker.”

  She grabbed the rest of her things, then stormed out of my room. Shaking my head, I closed my eyes and at least thanked fate that she wasn’t a door slammer. Maybe Denny and Kiera were sleeping and hadn’t heard her. God…I hoped they hadn’t heard her. Or me. Fuck. I needed to be more careful.

  Putting aside the guilt and awkwardness though, my date had actually managed to make me feel a little better. It wasn’t a permanent solution to my problem, but it was certainly a start. Maybe if I distracted myself with enough women, I’d actually forget all about Kiera. Doubtful, but I had to try.

  I slept a little easier than I had in a while. It might not be a good plan, but at least I had one now. That was something.

  I debated how to line up more dates while I watched TV the next morning. I didn’t want to be alone. My mind spun and Kiera was on constant repeat when I was alone. I thought about what I used to do before Kiera entered my life. I’d had no problems getting girls then. Honestly, I still didn’t, as last night proved, but I wanted to take a more proactive approach to dating. Maybe I’d throw a party? Sure, why not. I couldn’t do that without clearing it first though. Kiera would probably see right through my lame attempts to get over her, but I had to do what I had to do.

  Denny and Kiera came down the stairs together, which was kind of unusual. They were already getting closer again. Yet another positive side effect of what I was doing. Turning off the TV, I joined them in the kitchen and prepared myself to ask them a
question that shouldn’t be a big deal, but sort of felt like a big deal.

  They both looked over at me when I entered the room. Kiera looked worn, like she hadn’t slept at all. God, I hoped she hadn’t heard anything last night. Especially me. “Mornin’.” I knew Denny wouldn’t have an issue with my question, so I aimed it at him first. I’m such a chickenshit. “I was thinking of having a couple of friends over tonight. Would you be okay with that?”

  Smiling, Denny clapped me on the shoulder. “Sure, mate, whatever…it’s your place.”

  I looked over at Kiera. She seemed really down. I needed to know if she was all right. If my…dating…was all right. Sadly, I still needed her approval. “Are you okay…with that?”

  Her cheeks filled with color and she averted her eyes. She understood my real question then. Good. I held my breath, wondering if she’d say no, if she’d make a scene right in front of Denny. “Sure…whatever.” So there it was…my meager approval. I guess it was as much as I could hope for.

  And who knows, maybe a party could bring us all back together. Maybe this was exactly what we needed.

  The party started as soon as I got home from rehearsal. In fact, a pair of girls were waiting on my steps when I got back. One had creamy skin and strawberry-blond hair, the other had skin and hair as dark as night. I didn’t know either of them, but they were obviously here for the party, so they must have gotten an invite from someone I knew.

  “Ladies. You’re a bit early, so you’ll have to help me set up.” I’d stopped by the store on my way home and picked up supplies for my shindig. With a friendly smile, I offered each of the girls a six-pack of chick beer—wine coolers. They giggled, just like my date last night, and I figured I had a shot with both of them.

  My place was packed by the time Denny got home. He looked around my house in amazement; none of these people had ever come by while he’d been here. But all the people I knew here were “party friends,” not friend-friends. I only ever talked to them when something was going down. With wide eyes, Denny walked into the living room after setting down his stuff upstairs. “Do you know all these people?” he asked me.

  I glanced at the blonde gyrating in front of me. I still didn’t know her name. “Nope, but I’ll gladly kick them out the second you want me to. I don’t want to be a bother.” I’d done enough to be a “bother” to Denny. “Want a beer?” I asked, shifting my thoughts.

  Denny smiled and shrugged. “Sure. Thanks, mate.”

  Just then, my dark-haired lady friend leaned over my lap. After giving me a light kiss, she playfully asked, “Need anything, love?”

  “Actually, yes. A beer for me and my friend would be great. Thank you.”

  She laughed, then leaned in for a longer kiss; she tasted like whiskey. When she left me, I looked over at Denny. He was shaking his head in disbelief. “Do you at least know her?”

  With a wide smile, I shook my head. “Nope.”

  Denny rolled his eyes, then laughed. “Some things never change.”

  I laughed with him, but a twinge of pain rippled around my insides. Everything has changed.

  Denny and I talked, laughed, and joked around just like we used to. I asked him about his job, and he complained about his boss for a solid fifteen minutes. When he was done with his cathartic release, I said, “You know, I may not be able to get you a new job, but I bet I could get your boss removed. Maybe we could shame him into resigning? Griffin knows a few prostitutes…”

  His eyes widened. “Griffin knows a few…” Shutting his mouth, he shook his head. “Yeah, that actually doesn’t surprise me.” Our beers arrived as we shared a laugh. Clinking bottles with me, he jokingly said, “Yes, let’s do this. Call Griffin, have him call his hookers, and we’ll blackmail Max. Just don’t tell Kiera…She wouldn’t approve of the prostitutes.”

  Chuckling, I sipped my beer. “I think she’d approve of them more than she would Griffin.” Denny laughed so hard he snorted, and I swallowed the razorblade of pain and guilt that always sliced into me when I mentioned Kiera’s name around him. When he was calmly sipping his beer again, I stupidly asked, “How are you two, by the way?” And why was I opening a door into a painful conversation that would suck regardless of his answer? Because it was the only way back to normalcy, that was why.

  Denny lowered his beer from his mouth. He gave me an odd, appraising look, even as he smiled. “We’re all right, I guess. Better than we’ve been in a while, anyway.”

  I nodded, feeling reaffirmed that I was doing the right thing. The void I’d created by leaving Kiera alone was being filled by Denny, and that was the way it was supposed to be. And even though my insides were cold from the loss of her, it warmed me some that at least my relationship with Denny hadn’t changed much. He was still the same person he’d always been. Warm, friendly, considerate. A great friend. I was determined to be the friend he deserved to have.

  I was feeling pretty good about life as the evening went on. My dark-haired date made herself comfortable on my lap and leaned in for a kiss. Even though she was completely wasted, I obliged her. Her level of sobriety didn’t bother me; she could be as drunk or as sober as she wanted to be. All I cared was that she was a distraction, and if I closed my eyes, I could imagine she was Kiera.

  Maybe made uncomfortable by the girl’s exuberance, Denny got up from the couch. Someone instantly took his place, but I was too wrapped up in feminine attention to care who it was. Our kiss was getting pretty intense, and as I ran my hands up her thighs, Kiera’s body filled my mind. God, she had a great body. Trim and athletic, but still curvy in all the right places. Amazing.

  The person who’d taken Denny’s spot on the couch bumped my shoulder in a clear indication that they wanted my attention. Pulling apart from the dark-haired girl, I looked over to see my strawberry-blond friend smiling at me. “Are you going to ignore me all night?” she asked; her voice had a sensuous teasing quality about it.

  A smile broke out on my face as I ran my fingers through the hair of the girl sitting on my lap. “Of course not. Someone as pretty as you would be too hard to ignore for long.” Keeping my smile in place, I leaned over and pressed my lips to hers; she tasted like whiskey too. The girl on my lap did nothing to stop me. In fact, she stroked my sides and nestled even more into my lap. I knew with certainty that I’d be having both of them tonight.

  After a few more moments of making out, the blonde shot to her feet. “I love this song!” she exclaimed, holding her hand out for me. My other date slid off my lap to sit where the blonde had been, and I stood up. I liked this song too, and dancing sounded like fun. A good precursor to my evening with Kiera…the way we danced together was unbelievable.

  Reminiscing about dirty dancing with Kiera, I moved behind the blonde. She was grinding against my hips as I moved against her. Kiera…I love the way we move together. Feeling playful, I leaned down to her ear and said, “I like the way your body moves. I like the way you feel against me. I bet you’d feel even better naked.”

  She moaned and sagged against me. Pleased with her reaction, I glanced up into the kitchen. My heart nearly stopped. The real Kiera was home, and she was watching me with narrowed eyes. Grief washed through me. My two dates, who I was so eager to turn into multiple versions of Kiera, were nothing like her. I’d hand them over in an instant to walk into that kitchen and take her hand. But I couldn’t. My fantasies, although they paled in comparison, were all I had left.

  I forced myself to smile at Kiera, my roommate, and then gave her a brief nod of acknowledgment. Then I ignored her. I had to. The other girl came up behind me, turning me into a Kellan sandwich, and I let myself get lost in them. This was my distraction, the only thing that took the pain away, and I had to take it. Knowing Kiera was watching, I leaned back and gave the dark-haired girl a kiss. Kiera had to get used to this, just like I did.

  The girls and I danced for several songs. People started leaving, and I made sure to say goodbye to each of them, but my main focus was my dat
es…and ignoring where Kiera was. She was just the person I lived with. I had to accept that.

  Our dancing trio eventually moved back to the couch, and eventually picked up heat. As more people left the house, the three of us got friendlier. At one point, their wandering lips turned toward each other. I took that as a sign that we were all ready for this to happen. Just when I was thinking of moving this private party upstairs, I happened to catch sight of Kiera dragging Denny away. She looked pissed, or hurt. Was this too much for her? Because this was what I was, and how I coped, and…it was all I had right now. I didn’t want to hurt her, but I needed this release.

  While my dates made out with each other, I pulled my gaze away from where Kiera had disappeared. I needed to focus on this, not worry about her. The blonde broke away from the other girl and returned to me. I kissed her eagerly, but in my mind, I was touching Kiera.

  With forced playfulness, I led the girls upstairs and into my room. The dark-haired girl stripped off my shirt while the blonde ran her fingers down my back. “Damn, you’re hot,” she said.

  The other girl heartily agreed. She unbuttoned my jeans and palmed me as she growled, “I can’t wait to have you in me.”

  The blonde giggled, then added, “I can’t wait to have you lick me. All over. I’ll be your dessert.”

  The dark-haired girl looked over to her friend. “Great idea!” She returned her eyes to mine. “Do you have any whipped cream?”

  I wanted to sigh, but I smiled instead. “Yeah. I’ll be right back.”

  It was hard to picture Kiera with the way they talked, and it was difficult with two of them, but I was sure I could do it. I could clear my mind and feel a moment of connection with the love of my life…even if it was a fake one. Closing my door behind me, I tiptoed down the stairs and into the kitchen. Someone was still in there. Kiera. Her head was down and her back was to me; she appeared to be crying. She wasn’t okay.