Thoughtful

by S. C. Stephens

  “I guess. The pain meds kicked in, and I feel like I weigh a thousand pounds, but I guess I’m going to be fine.”

  Her eyes were still wet and her cheeks had drying trails of shiny tears on them. Her head might be fine, but her heart was a mess. “That’s not what I meant. Believe me, I’ve talked to about every nurse in here, I know your situation…but are you okay?” I glanced at the door so she’d know I knew about the breakup.

  A fresh tear rolled down her cheek as she stared up at me. “Ask me again in a couple days.”

  Nodding, I bent down to kiss her. How could I not? The heartbeat monitor started beeping faster as our lips moved together. I looked over at it with a laugh. “I suppose I shouldn’t do that.” I still made her heart race; she made mine pound too. I was going to miss her.

  When I pulled away, Kiera grabbed my cheek and ran a finger along my bruise. “Are you okay?”

  No. I don’t think I’ll ever be okay again.

  I pulled her hand away from my face. “I’ll be fine, Kiera. Don’t worry about that right now. I’m just so glad that you’re…that you’re not…” I stopped myself from saying my biggest fear out loud.

  Distracting myself from that thought, I held her hand in both of mine. Her fingers stroked my wrist, and I loved every single second of the contact. Would touching anyone else ever feel this good?

  “You and Denny were both here?” she asked, surprised.

  “Of course. We both care about you, Kiera.”

  She gently shook her head. “No, I mean, you were both here in the same room, talking calmly when I woke up. You weren’t trying to kill each other?”

  “Once was enough,” I said with a wry smile. “You’ve been out of it for a couple days. Denny and I…have had several talks.” I paused as I remembered our spats. “Those first few talks weren’t so…calm.” Reaching up, I pushed some hair out of her face. “Our concern for you eventually tempered those conversations, and we talked about what to do, instead of what was done.”

  Kiera opened her mouth to speak, but I confessed what I knew she must be wondering about. “He told me he took the job in Australia, and when I asked if he’d take you with him…he told me no.”

  More tears flowed down her cheeks, and I carefully stroked them away. She looked like she might lose it at any second. I hated that we were piling this on her now, when she was still weak and recovering, but it had to happen, and sooner was better than later. “You knew he was going to break up with me today?” she asked.

  I nodded. “I knew he was going to do it soon. When you woke up and he looked at me…I figured he wanted to do it as soon as possible.” The weight of what needed to be done crushed me, and I looked away. “Rip off the Band-Aid…” I murmured. Do it now. Then walk away. It will only sting for a second.

  No. It won’t. This sting will last for the rest of my life.

  I stared at the ground as I willed myself to let her go. Denny was right. It was harder than I imagined. I had to though. This limbo wasn’t good for us. When I noticed Kiera’s hand reaching out for me, I forced the words from my lips. “What are your plans now, Kiera?”

  Her hand dropped as she stuttered for an answer. “My plans? I don’t…I don’t know. School…work…” You.

  She didn’t say that last option out loud, but I heard it plain as day. He left me, so I guess I’ll stay with you. Since you’ll always be here waiting for me.

  Not this time, Kiera.

  Heat was in my eyes when I returned my gaze to hers. If I could hold in the anger, I could hold back the pain. “And me? Do we just pick up where we left off? Before you left me…again…for him?”

  Kiera’s eyes fluttered closed. “Kellan…”

  Tears stung my eyes as despair battered against my crumbling wall of rage; I couldn’t keep holding it back. “I can’t do this anymore, Kiera.”

  She opened her eyes, and I could see the agony in them, but I couldn’t stop now. Rip off the Band-Aid. “I was going to let you walk away that night. I told you I’d let you go, if that was what you wanted, and when you said…” I closed my eyes with a sigh. “After that, I couldn’t even find it in me to lie to Denny when he found us.” Reopening my eyes, I focused on our hands. “I knew he’d attack me when he heard the truth…but I couldn’t fight him back. I’d hurt him so badly, I couldn’t find it in me to hurt him physically. What we did to him…He’s the nicest guy I’ve ever known, the closest thing to real family I’ve ever had, and we turned him into my…”

  I closed my eyes as the memory of my father merged with my image of Denny when he was attacking me. I’d done that. I’d made him snap. I’d created a monster. “I think a part of me wanted him to hurt me…” I lifted my eyes to Kiera’s. “Because of you, because you always chose him. You never really wanted me, and you’re all I’ve ever…” I’d do anything for you. Why won’t you do the same?

  Looking away, I swallowed a lump in my throat. “So…now that he’s left you, now that the choice isn’t yours, do I get you?” The heat returned to my voice as I pulled my anger around me like a shield. “Am I your consolation prize?” Is that all I’ve ever been?

  Her mouth dropped open like she was shocked I’d come to that conclusion. What other conclusion have you left me, Kiera? She opened and shut her mouth, but no words came out. Truth was hard to argue with. “That’s what I thought.”

  Releasing some of the anger, since it was pointless to hold on to it, I let out a long sigh. “Kiera…I wish…” I wish we’d run away when we’d had the chance. I wish Denny had never returned from Tucson. I wish you’d come out here without him, and I’d fallen in love with you in an honest way, with no regret, no guilt…no pain.

  Knowing wishes were just as pointless as anger, I shifted what I’d been about to say. “I’ve decided to stay in Seattle. You wouldn’t believe how much crap Evan gave me for almost leaving the band.” I searched her face as I recalled Evan’s disbelief and his odd-sounding words. You’re irreplaceable. My gaze stopped on Kiera’s wounds, and I felt like I was in a daze as I studied her. “I never even thought about my band in this whole mess. I hurt them when they figured out I was planning on ditching town.” I hadn’t spoken to the others yet, but I could easily picture Matt’s shock and Griffin’s disgust. I was such an idiot. And it was time to be smart.

  I exhaled in preparation. “I’m sorry,” I whispered. Leaning down, I placed a soft kiss on her lips, then trailed kisses across her cheek to the soft spot below her ear. I cherished the taste of her, the smell of her, the sound of her. This was probably the last time I’d be close to her. It was quite possibly the last time I would ever see her. The thought filled me with pain, dread, and a hollow ache that burned my insides. What will I do without her?

  Resting my head against hers, I made myself say the words I never thought I would say to her. “I’m so sorry, Kiera. I love you…but I can’t do this. I need you to move out.”

  Before she could react, I stood and left the room. Any reaction from her would spark a reaction in me, and my reaction to her pain would most likely end with me staying. And I couldn’t. Not when her heart wasn’t really in it.

  I made it halfway down the hall before the tears came. Near the waiting room packed with magazines and vending machines, there was a dimly lit chapel. I headed in there to find some solace so I could fall apart in peace. It was done. I’d ripped off the Band-Aid, but the wound beneath it hadn’t healed yet, and I was bleeding out. How do I go on now?

  Hours later, when I came to grips with my new reality, I headed downstairs. Feeling more than a little lost, I walked the halls of the hospital. Eventually, I bumped into my band when I was coming out of the bathroom near the emergency room. Seeing them here shocked the hell out of me.

  “Hey, what are you guys doing here?”

  Griffin sniffed. “We came to see you and your chick. Well, your roommate chick.” Matt nodded in agreement, and I scrunched my brows as I studied them. What exactly had Evan told them? While I contemplate
d that, Griffin added, “You look like shit, man. How many guys jumped you?” With a smirk he leaned in and said, “It was one, right? Some tiny five-foot-nothing teenager, huh?” He shook his head with a chuckle. “Wuss.”

  I looked over at Evan while Matt smacked Griffin in the chest. “They could have killed him, asswipe.”

  Griffin looked affronted. “Well, they obviously didn’t. Lighten the fuck up, dude. You knew I was kidding…right, Kell?”

  I managed to nod, but I was still a little dumbfounded. Evan told them the lie? Evan was remaining silent, but on his face was a knowing smile. “I…uh…Kiera’s fine, but she’s really not up for visitors…maybe tomorrow.”

  I looked away as I imagined her sobbing into her pillows. Evan put his hand on my shoulder. “Why don’t we get out of here? We’ll go to Pete’s…relax.”

  “I don’t want to relax,” I murmured. Looking up at him, I added, “I want to stay here.”

  Griffin clapped his hands together. “Sweet! Let’s go to the cafeteria and see if we can score free food from the desperate chicks.”

  Matt cocked an eyebrow at him. “Desperate chicks?”

  Griffin shrugged. “You know, the fuglies with hairnets, moles, broken dreams, and crusty vaginas who work in cafeterias. It’s part of the job description.”

  Matt could only shake his head at his cousin. “That’s so…How is it that no one has murdered you yet?”

  Snorting in answer, Griffin started walking down the hall. “Because you can’t kill a god, dimwit.”

  As the pair of them strolled away, I turned to Evan. “You didn’t tell them what happened? With me leaving…with Denny.”

  Evan shrugged. “Not my story, Kellan.”

  I smiled, then started following my bandmates. “Thank you. I’d rather they didn’t know.”

  “Yeah, I figured as much,” Evan replied.

  I thought the guys might pester me about the “mugging” once we got to the cafeteria, but Griffin was beside himself once he learned that his stereotype about cafeteria workers was dead wrong. He was in hog heaven, surrounded by cute women offering him a wide assortment of food. But, almost as if they’d heard his derogatory comment in the hallway, none of them gave him the time of day, and he had to pay for every single item he consumed. Most of the staff hit on me while we were there, which led to a different sort of pestering from Griffin, but it was a distraction I gladly accepted. And for a moment, my grief wasn’t overpowering and all-encompassing, and my “family” was the reason. I was tremendously grateful for that.

  After the guys left, I went back to the quiet chapel. I ended up spending the night there, spread out on a row of chairs. It wasn’t the best place to sleep, but it was the closest to Kiera I could get without actually being in the room with her. I was stiff, sore, and tired as hell when I woke up, but I threw on a smile so I could go talk to the nurses and make sure Kiera was fine.

  After one of the nurses told me Kiera was up and walking around, I wandered downstairs to watch people coming and going. Every face had a story—some happy, some sad. After a while, a face I recognized walked through the doors, and it was a face I hadn’t been expecting to see.

  Standing, I called out, “Anna?”

  She turned to me at hearing her name. Her eyes brightened for a second, then darkened. She scanned me from head to foot as I walked over to her. “Oh my God, Kellan…are you okay?”

  I forced a smile to my lips. I was getting really good at that lately. “I’m fine. It’s good to see you.” I wrapped my arms around her, and she gingerly held me back. It was obvious she didn’t want to hurt me.

  “Denny told me what happened,” she whispered. Her eyes were quickly watering as she examined my face. “That son of a bitch. I can’t believe he did this to you.”

  Holding her shoulders, I looked her in the eye. “Don’t be mad at him. I did this. I betrayed him, I pushed him over the edge. It’s not his fault.”

  Her jaw tightened, and I knew she didn’t really care whose fault it was. “He could have killed her. He could have killed you. I don’t care what you did to him, neither one of you deserved…this.” Her hand indicated my body.

  “Kiera would want you to play nice with him.” I gave her a pointed look, then released her. She made some sort of noise that kind of sounded like “Whatever,” and I figured that was the best I was going to get from her. Changing subjects, I said, “Kiera will be happy to see you, and she could probably use a dose of happiness right now.”

  A playful grin on her lips, she poked me in the shoulder. “She could probably use a dose of you right now. Coming?” She tilted her head, and her long, dark ponytail danced around her shoulders.

  “No…I can’t go back in there.” Her mouth dropped open as surprise filled her. Her resemblance to Kiera was so striking, my heart constricted. Breathing hurt. Moving hurt. Everything hurt. “I broke things off with her…and…I asked her to move out. It’s over. We’re over.” A knot formed in my throat, and I had to swallow three times to loosen it.

  Anna’s expression changed to one of sympathy. “Oh…I’m sorry.”

  I shifted my gaze to the floor so I wouldn’t have to see Kiera in her eyes. “Yeah…so, I’m staying away from her. It’s just…too hard. I need space.” I peeked up at her face. “I need a minute.”

  She seemed confused by that phrase, and I almost smiled. That was Kiera’s and my inside joke. Only, it wasn’t funny. Not funny at all. “When you see her…don’t let her know I’m here. It’s better if she thinks I left.”

  Her brows bunched as she looked over my clothes. “How long have you been here?”

  I kept my expression as even as possible. “Since the accident. I’m not leaving until I know she’s okay. As long as she’s here…I’m here. But…she doesn’t need to know that, okay?” She frowned and I made my gaze as stern as I could with my swollen eye. “I’m serious, Anna. I don’t want her to know I’m here.”

  Anna slowly shook her head, a sad smile on her face. “Okay, Kellan…if that’s the way you want it, I won’t tell her.”

  I nodded. “If anything changes with her…please let me know.”

  It was a couple of hours later when Anna came back down. I perked up when she walked over to where I was sitting in the cafeteria. “How is she?” I asked, hoping I didn’t sound desperate for information but knowing I did.

  Anna eyed me thoughtfully before she answered. I wasn’t sure what that meant. “She’s all right. Tired and teary-eyed, but all right.” Changing her expression to an exuberant smile, she added, “I’m gonna stay in Seattle with her. Find a job, and a place for us to live.” Her features softened into compassion. “I’m going to take care of her, Kellan, so you don’t need to worry.”

  I exhaled in relief. Good. She’ll be taken care of. “Did you tell her I was here?” I asked, watching her carefully for signs of guilt.

  She averted her eyes. Bingo. She’d told on me. “It…may have come up.” I was about to scold her for her lack of promise-keeping when she suddenly reached out and poked a finger into my chest. “But you can’t complain about that, because you, sir, are on my shit list. The second you’re healed, I’m smacking your ass. And not in a good way.”

  I frowned, confused. “What did I…?”

  Anna raised an eyebrow. “You told her we slept together? Really?”

  I snapped my mouth closed. Oh yeah…that. “It was more…I didn’t deny it when she made the assumption that we had.”

  Anna leaned over me. “I don’t like guys taking credit for shit they didn’t do. And trust me, if you and I had screwed that night, you wouldn’t have been able to deny it if you wanted to. You’d still be telling your friends about us…” She leaned in even closer, giving me a pretty decent shot of her cleavage. “…All the damn time.”

  With a huff, she straightened and stalked away from me. I watched her hips swaying as she walked, and thought she was probably right. Griffin sure as hell couldn’t shut up about her. He was going to fl
ip his lid once he found out she was back.

  Once Anna was gone, I opened my palm and stared at the guitar pendant I’d been hiding in my fingers. I’d cleaned off the blood the last time I’d gone to the bathroom, and it glistened in the lights. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with it, but staring at it was oddly soothing, and I found myself doing it all the time.

  Now that Anna was here, it seemed like things were falling into place for Kiera. That made me feel better. Anna would take care of her. I could let her go now. Maybe that was what I should do with the necklace—toss it in the trash and let it go.

  I stuffed it back into my pocket instead. I couldn’t completely let Kiera go.

  Anna was true to her word, and quickly found a place for her and Kiera. Once Kiera got out of the hospital, she’d be all set for her new life…without me. I wouldn’t even see her at Pete’s anymore; Jenny told me she quit. My world felt like it was crashing down around me, but I guess that was how breakups felt. I wouldn’t know; I’d never had one before.

  Everyone was helping Anna and Kiera get situated in their new place, so I helped too. I thought it would be cathartic, but really, it was just painful. I didn’t have much to offer, but I gave Anna the only decent thing I owned—my comfortable chair. Kiera should have it. Maybe she’d think of me whenever she sat on it.

  Leaving the hospital with Kiera still inside it had been difficult, but walking through her new apartment was so much worse. She’d build a life here, and I wouldn’t be a part of it. Walking past a box of things in the hallway, I paused and reached into my jacket. Making sure no one was around, I pulled out Kiera’s necklace. I stared at it a moment in the dark hallway, debating, then I turned my palm around and dumped it into the box. It wasn’t mine to keep. I had given it to Kiera and, much like my plush chair, I wanted her to have it. I would remember Kiera in my own way.

  Later, when I was walking through my home, the enormity of its emptiness settled over me. Everything of Kiera’s was gone; all I had left were memories…but even those would fade with enough time. If I still had her necklace, I could stare at it, or wear it, and have something with me all the time that would remind me of her, but I didn’t. All I had was an elastic hair band in my pocket, and that would eventually fray and snap as it aged. It wasn’t enough. I wanted something more…permanent…to remind me of her.