Thoughtful

by S. C. Stephens

  “Hey, Kellan,” Anna said to me one night. She was dressed in her work uniform—bright orange shorts and a tight white tank top with the word “Hooters” right over her chest. Every guy in the bar was eyeing her, except me. I was trying to avoid looking at her.

  “Hey,” I said, studying the bottle in my hands.

  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her hand start to reach out for me, but she stopped herself and laced her fingers on the table. “How are things?” she asked.

  “Fine.”

  She leaned forward, her dark hair brushing against the table. It was clear from her posture that she wanted me to look at her, but I didn’t. “Do you need anything?” she asked.

  Beer. Peace and quiet. More beer. And your sister…

  “No.”

  I took a long swig of my drink, but Anna didn’t leave. After I set it down again, she leaned toward me and whispered, “Matt told me about your tattoo. Did you really…?”

  I peeked up at her with cold eyes and she stopped talking. I wanted to ask her if Kiera knew about the tattoo, but I didn’t. It didn’t matter if she did know. I sullenly returned my eyes to my bottle, and Anna sighed in defeat. Standing, she put a hand on my shoulder and gave me a friendly squeeze. She started to walk away, then paused, like she was debating what to do. Leaning down, she whispered into my ear, “She misses you too.”

  I closed my eyes as they instantly filled with tears. I heard Anna leaving, but I couldn’t watch her, couldn’t tell her goodbye. All I could do was inhale and exhale in slow, controlled breaths and pray to God that I didn’t break down.

  She misses you too.

  She misses you too.

  I wasn’t sure why my subconscious kept replaying Anna’s message, but I wanted it to stop. I spotted Emily, Kiera’s replacement, helping a table of frat boys halfway across the bar. She wouldn’t be helping me anytime soon. Irritated, I looked up at Rita. She was busy too. Damn it. What did a guy have to do to get drunk around here?

  Determined to satisfy my own needs, I stood up. I would hop over the bar and grab my own beer if I needed to. My vision swam as the change in position made the alcohol rush to my head. I put my hand on the edge of the table to steady myself. The dizziness would pass in a minute, and then I could finally get another fucking drink. Maybe if I had enough of them, I would black out tonight, and then maybe I wouldn’t dream about Kiera.

  She didn’t choose me.

  My dark thoughts made it hard to stand upright, and both of my hands dropped to the table as I leaned over it. Griffin stopped his conversation with Matt to glare at me. “Dude, are you gonna hurl? Hold that shit in until you get outside.”

  Matt’s eyes were as sympathetic as Evan’s. “You okay, Kell?”

  Sniffling, I shoved myself away from the table. I stumbled, but managed to stay upright. I guess I’d had more than I realized. Oh well, a couple more wouldn’t hurt then. When I moved to head toward the bar, Evan stood and grabbed my elbow.

  “Let me go, Evan,” I snapped.

  His mouth compressed into a firm line. “You’ve had enough; I’m taking you home.”

  Scoffing, I jerked my arm away and pointed at the table. “I had two.” My words were slightly slurred, but I didn’t care.

  Matt skewed his lips as he looked up at the ceiling. He counted something out on his fingers, then lowered his eyes to mine. “Uh, more like nine, Kell.”

  Annoyed, I grabbed my jacket. “Whatever, I don’t need you guys babying me. I’m tired of being babied…I can take care of myself.” If I couldn’t drink in peace here, then I would drink in peace somewhere else. Scowling at Matt and Evan, I slipped my jacket on. Or tried to anyway. I couldn’t seem to find the right holes.

  Matt stood up when he figured out I was leaving. “You’re not driving.”

  Irritated at my guitarist, irritated at my drummer, and irritated at my life, I jerked my head from one band member to the other; the room spun a little. “I’ll do whatever the fuck I want! All of you can leave me the hell alone!” Finally successful, I slipped my jacket over my shoulders. Inexplicably, the leather smelled like Kiera.

  Matt rolled his eyes and looked over to Evan. He sighed, then started rifling through my jacket pockets. I batted his hands away, but he was way more coordinated than me at the moment. After fishing my keys out of my pocket, he tossed them down the table, out of my reach. They landed in front of Griffin; he stared at them blankly, then returned his attention to a girl at the next table.

  I dove across the table to snatch my keys back, but Matt was quicker and nabbed them first. All I ended up doing was falling onto the table and knocking over Griffin’s beer. That got his attention. Saving his bottle from rolling off the table, he snapped, “Dude! What the fuck?”

  Wishing I was anywhere but here, I laid my cheek on the cool surface and stared up at Evan. He was even more concerned than he had been before, if that was possible. Conversations battled in my brain. Some with Kiera, some with Denny. Some of them were good, some really, really bad. All of them made electric pain rocket throughout my body; I felt my chest sizzle, like someone was holding a hot iron to my heart…right over Kiera’s tattoo.

  Not wanting to look like an idiot anymore tonight, I carefully stood up. Feeling weak, defeated, and utterly alone, I muttered, “All right…take me home.”

  Evan not only took me home, he walked me to my door and unlocked it for me. I scowled at him, but he wasn’t intimidated by my anger. “Hey, if you don’t want to be babied, then stop acting like a baby.” Crossing his arms over his chest, he added, “Now, do I need to tuck you in?”

  Grabbing my keys away, I shook my head. The world started spinning, so I stopped. I took a step inside, then looked back at Evan. “I’m sorry about tonight. I just wanted…I wanted to stop feeling like shit.”

  Evan sighed, then clapped me on the shoulder. “I know. Get some sleep, okay?”

  I nodded and went into the house, but I really wasn’t tired yet. At least, not tired in a lack-of-sleep kind of way. I was sick and tired of a lot of things. Stumbling my way into the kitchen, I poured a glass of water and started drinking it. As the soothing liquid went down, sobering me, I stared at my phone. Making a quick decision, I picked up the receiver and entered a number I knew by heart, since I dialed it almost every single day. The phone picked up on the third ring. “Denny? Hey…it’s Kellan. How are…things?”

  I’d started calling Denny right after he left Seattle. At first, only his parents would pick up, and they’d always very nicely tell me to go to hell. I’d kept calling though, and eventually Denny had taken the phone from them and talked to me. He’d seemed mystified by my persistence, but…he was family to me. I’d wronged him, but I’d never stopped caring about him. He was my brother. I didn’t want to give that up.

  Our initial conversations hadn’t been much. Denny didn’t want to talk, and I understood. I talked though. I told him how wrong I was, how sorry I was, and that I wished I could do everything over again. If I could, I would have told him about my feelings for Kiera before I acted on them. I would have told him everything from the beginning.

  Talking to him every day, while therapeutic for me, wasn’t really getting our relationship anywhere. It wasn’t until I confessed to him that Kiera and I weren’t a couple that he really started talking back to me. He was shocked that we weren’t together. He’d assumed we’d hooked up after the airport. I told him we hadn’t, that I’d said goodbye to her there and hadn’t seen or heard from her since. Surprising me, he’d actually told me that I was an idiot for letting her get away. That had made me laugh. I’d told him that it was for the best that we were apart, but only a part of me agreed with that. The rest of me agreed with him.

  Denny’s laughter on the line returned my thoughts to the present. “Have you been drinking, mate?”

  A small, queasy laugh escaped me. “Drinking? Yeah…maybe…a little. So…what’s up with you? How did your date go with that girl? Abby, was it?”

 
; With a laugh, he started telling me about it. Things had loosened up between us even more once Denny had become interested in dating again. Now that he was seeing somebody, his entire mood had changed. Even though I didn’t know much about this girl, I was grateful that Denny had met her. He needed somebody to love to help him get over Kiera.

  Aside from the one time he’d chided me about not dating her, Kiera was one topic that Denny and I never discussed. Without actually verbalizing it, we’d both decided Kiera was off-limits. We had plenty of other things to talk about though, and my phone bill was a bitch now. But we were beginning to repair our damaged friendship, so it was worth it.

  Chapter 34

  Emotional Release

  After that dark moment at Pete’s, I toned it down with the alcohol. Instead of drinking away my problems, I shifted my need for emotional release into my work. I’d been writing ever since Kiera and I parted ways, and I finished a song that I’d written about her. Once it was done, I found I was reluctant to share my painful memory of Kiera with the world. Evan was the one who convinced me I should. He said it would be healing to sing about my pain. And unlike the last time I’d written a song for Kiera, Evan was okay with putting this one in the lineup, since this time around, the only person the song would hurt was me.

  We debuted the song at Pete’s. I was a little worried that I wouldn’t be able to make it through the whole piece; I lost it once or twice during rehearsal, which was almost unheard of for me. I’d sung gut-wrenching songs countless times before and hadn’t had any problems. But this one…it got to me.

  It was probably the most emotional song I’d ever written, even more than the song I’d said goodbye to Kiera with. This one was about that last moment with Kiera in the parking lot, right before our lives had changed forever. I wrote down every damn detail of our parting. Then I shifted focus to where I was now…struggling to get through the days, scared I would never find love again, lonely, but never really alone, because Kiera was always with me wherever I went.

  Evan and Matt had created a slow, haunting rhythm to accompany the song. It was different from our typical stuff, and I noticed that the crowd listened in a way they hadn’t before. Even my looks took the backseat for this one song. It was intimidating, having the entire bar so focused on something that wasn’t superficial, something real. It deepened my appreciation and respect for the art form that had ultimately saved my life. If I hadn’t had music…I didn’t even want to think about where I might be.

  The bar was deathly quiet while I sang my grief. When I sang, “Your face is my light. Without you, I’m drenched in darkness,” some of the girls in the front started brushing away stray tears. With the words, “I’m forever with you, even if you can’t see me, hear me, feel me,” they started to openly weep. I closed my eyes to block them out and finished the song as perfectly as I could. Evan was right. This was much better therapy than drinking my problems away night after night. We started playing the song at every performance.

  I wasn’t fully healed yet, not even close. Everything still reminded me of Kiera. My soul ached for her, and there was a void in me that would probably never be filled, but, slowly, I was starting to smile again, starting to talk again. Although, I still wasn’t sleeping with anyone. Every night, I went home alone to my empty house and faced the ghosts of regret lurking around every corner. It was hard, but I was dealing.

  Sometimes I pretended that Kiera was in the crowd when I sang that song for her. Closing my eyes, I pictured her crying right along with the girls in the front row. She never came in though, and as soon as the song ended and I opened my eyes, my fantasy evaporated. Her sister showed up a couple of times, but that was the closest I ever got to Kiera. It ate at me that she never came in to the bar, but at the same time, I knew it was for the best.

  “Ready for tonight?” Evan asked one Friday evening, as he eyed me for any sign of a meltdown. Since I hadn’t had one in a while, his inspection didn’t last long.

  “I’m always ready,” I answered. Glancing over my shoulder, I looked at Jenny, then back at him. “Are you ready to admit defeat? I think you’re being ridiculously stubborn about this.”

  Evan’s brows bunched. “What the hell are you talking about?” He noticed where I’d been looking, then rolled his eyes. “Quit playing matchmaker, Kellan. You suck at it.” With a laugh, he slapped me on the shoulder, then hopped up onstage to thunderous applause.

  I shook my head at my friend. He flirted with Jenny like they were honeymooners, and she flirted right back, but neither one of them had taken a step toward a relationship. It baffled me. I might have to stage an intervention soon.

  I was about to follow Evan up onto the stage, but I saw Anna in the crowd. She was desperately flagging me over. I glanced at Griffin, wondering if she meant him, but when my eyes returned to Anna, she was definitely signaling for me to wait for her. Frowning, I paused at my table and waited for Anna to fight her way through the crowds. She had a group of girls with her, and they quickly melded into the front row.

  “What’s up?” I asked her, wishing for the millionth time that she was blond and blue-eyed, so she wouldn’t remind me of Kiera.

  “Are you…singing that song tonight?” She bit her lip, like she was debating something.

  She didn’t have to explain which song. I knew exactly what she meant. Nodding, I told her, “Yeah, it’s in the middle of the lineup, just like usual.”

  She gave me a quick smile. “Okay. Good.”

  I narrowed my eyes at her. “Why?”

  She swished her hand at me in a dismissive gesture. “My girlfriend wanted to hear it.” Before I could reply, she started elbowing her way through the crowd to rejoin her friends. Okay. That was kind of weird.

  Putting Anna out of my mind, I climbed up onstage and acknowledged the fans with a small wave. The corresponding shriek made my ears ring. It made me smile that at least some things in my life hadn’t changed. The people who came to see our shows were still noisy, dedicated, passionate, and hard-core devotees, and I appreciated each and every one of them.

  Evan started the intro to our first song on the set list, and just like that, we were off and running. The fans danced, the lights blazed down on us, and the music blasted. I let myself get lost in it, allowed just a moment of pain-free reprieve. When Kiera’s song approached, some of my levity faded. The beginning was always the hardest. In preparation for singing it, I had to allow any walls I might have built up to come tumbling down so the emotion could rush out in an honest way. The anticipation was draining, but the release afterward made it all worth it. Like wringing out a sponge to remove every drop of water, finishing the song made me feel fresh again. I could go on another day.

  A bit before Kiera’s song, I noticed Anna was gone. Guess her friend had gotten tired of waiting. Strange.

  There was a commotion near the front of the bar as the song ended, but I blocked it out and concentrated on the fans right in front of me. Kiera’s song was next; I needed to shut everything off and focus on making it perfect. I liked to think that every time I played it, Kiera somehow heard it, and I wanted it to be flawless.

  The song began and I closed my eyes. Absorbing the words into my body, I let all of my defenses drop. This was me. Laid bare for all the world to see. I felt naked, but I felt free too. No more secrets, no more lies, no more guilt. Just me, sorrowful music, and haunting words of devotion to a lover I would never truly let go of.

  I sang about my love and loss, about needing Kiera and feeling ashamed for it. About trying to say goodbye. About taking her spirit with me every day. When I got to a long instrumental section, I swayed to the beat and imagined Kiera was watching me, imagined she was listening to my heart bleeding through the speakers. In my mind, she always cried. The grief meant she cared…she still cared.

  Highlights of our love affair flickered through my mind while I waited for my cue. That first awkward handshake. Our first comforting hug. Our first drunken kiss. Making love. Lying
in each other’s arms. Hearing her say, “I love you.” It all replayed in my head in a microsecond.

  Ready to wake from my fantasy, I slowly opened my eyes. That was when I saw something that couldn’t possibly be real. Icy shock froze me in place as Kiera’s eyes bored into me. Was I delirious? Had I imagined this so many times that I’d somehow made it real? Or was she an illusion? A trick of the lights? A by-product of my emotional cleansing? Would she vanish the instant I blinked?

  Mesmerized, I watched the tears spilling from her eyes; it was just like how I’d always pictured her during this song. This hallucination of her was different from the visions of her I’d been having though. She was ten times more beautiful right now than she had ever been in all of my countless dreams. She looks so real…

  Certain this mirage would evaporate into a wisp of smoke any second, I sang the last few lines of the song directly to her. When my voice drifted away along with the last strains of music, I waited for my vision to end. It didn’t. Kiera was still in front of me, watching me with tears streaming down her cheeks. Was she really here?

  Usually, after this song ended, I signaled Evan to start the next one. This song was so emotional for me that on rare occasions, I needed a minute to collect myself. Evan knew to wait for my signal. I couldn’t turn away though. I couldn’t do anything but stare at Kiera. Was this real? Would she vanish if I moved?

  An uneasy silence filled the bar as Kiera and I stared at each other. I heard people start to shift, cough, and whisper, but I still couldn’t move. From the corner of my eye, I saw Matt approaching me. With a light tap on my arm, he whispered, “Kellan, snap out of it. We need to start the next song.” I still couldn’t move. Every molecule in my body was attuned to Kiera. God, she’s so beautiful.

  Evan’s voice disrupted the quiet. “Hey, everybody. We’re gonna take a breather. Until then…Griffin’s buying a round for everyone!”