I disappear back into the old stale bedroom, filled with panic and guilt. There is no point dwelling on the fact that he is doing all this for me, because he is trying to fix whatever happened between us. I shouldn’t care, but I do. I close my eyes, isolating myself, before I do something that I might regret later. Because I can never go back.
***
Micah
Whenever she looks at me all I see is disgust and anger. I should be fucking losing it, freaking out, but I’m pretending not to be affected, not letting her mood swings get to me. My body tingles every time there is skin-to-skin contact between us. Most of the time she is so cold, detached, and I know she might never forgive me, never let go of the grudge.
Maybe what I’ve done was crazy and unbelievably stupid, but I couldn’t just sit and wait for her to end up in prison, to be sentenced. She was set up, but I was too stupid to figure it out. I had a clear goal when I showed up in the hospital, but then things got complicated. This girl Kiki ended up coming with us. I wasn’t planning to drag anyone else into this mess, but Tahlia insisted and I did what I felt was right.
I’m still upset that I failed to see the real person in Tahlia, the girl that I rescued from that rotten hole in the wall, the nightmare. My egotistical self pushed me not to follow my heart. Instead I kept drowning and drowning until I was too deep to dive back out on the surface. I chose being the old self, not to feel anything, because that way I was always at ease.
“She won’t help us cleaning this crap?” Kiki asks after Tahlia disappears in the room. I’m exhausted and can barely keep my eyes open, but I want the girls to feel comfortable in here, with me.
“I guess not,” I mutter, wondering what my next step will be. I need to prove that she hasn’t killed Suranne, that she was set up, but I have nothing, no witnesses and no resources.
An hour later, I take my mind off the case. Everything looks spotless. Tahlia most probably has gone to bed. I need to make peace with her, try to talk to her. This won’t be easy because she wants nothing to do with me.
The new girl has been locked up in the mental institution for a reason. I shouldn’t be helping her. Who the hell knows what she’s capable of doing? Taking her with us was the stupidest thing that I’ve done, but I can’t go back in time and reverse the past.
It’s been a hell of a day and I’m too tired to think about this now. I got Tahlia out and for now she is safe. I can worry about Kiki tomorrow.
In the end Kiki makes some sandwiches for herself and I end up lying on the sofa. Kiki is talking to me, but I don’t even know when I drift off. The exhaustion takes over. A moment later I slip into dreams.
Several hours later, something wakes me up. I stir back awake in the darkness, hearing a loud bang that comes from the hallway. I rub my eyes and lift myself up, checking the time. It’s late, almost three in the morning. Then I hear it again, the squeaking noise of old wooden floors. Someone must have gotten inside. I get up alert and decide to check if the door is still locked. Anger ripples through me when a moment after poking my head into Tahlia and Kiki’s bedroom I discover that she has vanished. Tahlia probably decided to run when I was asleep. Shit, I should have predicted that she’d do that.
I run to the door, and a moment later I spot the shadow fiddling with the lock downstairs on the corridor, outside the door. I start moving before my mind tells me what to do and throw myself at her before she slips through the main entrance to the world outside. She starts hitting me, trying to push me away, but I hold her wrists, feeling every inch of my body pressed over hers. She resists hard, and we both fall on the floor.
“Let go of me, you son of a bitch,” she shouts, wrestling with me. She has my backpack on her back. It’s pathetic that I’m feeling hot in this situation, when she is trying to beat the shit out of me. Tahlia is desperate to run away, from me, from the opportunity that I have given her, and I can’t let her do that.
“No, I’m not letting you go unless you tell me why are you running away,” I shout, holding her wrists behind her head and staring at her green eyes in the darkness. She holds my gaze, and the burning guilt is ripping me apart. I can’t take seeing so much pain in her eyes.
“Because I can’t stand being close to you and pretending that you have done nothing wrong. I hate you, Micah Thomson, and I can’t bear to be anywhere near you,” she shouts, trying to get away, but I force myself to keep her in the same position, at least until I get some answers.
“Too bad, because I’m not letting you go. Do you really think you can be safe, being alone without any cash or resources?” I ask, furious that she would be that stupid and reckless.
“I have somewhere to go, but I’m not your business. I never was and I never will be. Let me go right now, you arrogant arsehole!” She jerks away. “All you do is lie, and I can’t take it anymore!”
“I’m sorry that I didn’t recognise you and I’m sorry that I left you three years ago. You needed me, but I was too blind, too fucking stupid to fight for you. I was a coward and still am, but please let me help you, let me fix this,” I beg her, moving my face to her neck and inhaling the warmth of her skin. The darkness blinds me, and I feel so fucking guilty. The suffering—I’d rather die than see her suffer again the way I saw on the video.
I hear her heartbeat. It’s going like crazy and my body reacts, my temperature shooting up.
“Nothing will change just because you say all these things. You used me, made me love you only because you wanted to solve that damn case. Rudolf is alive and he won’t give up. I have a better chance of survival on my own,” she whispers. I loosen my grip and start rubbing my fingers over her wrists.
“I love you, Tahlia, and I’m going to kill that sadistic bastard with my bare hands. Give me a chance—that’s all I’m asking. There is no way I’ll fail this time,” I tell her. She widens her eyes and then looks at me, parting her lips.
I want to hold her and never let go, but this whole thing is complicated. She is right: I made her love me, being that man that couldn’t feel a thing, and then I crushed her.
“You don’t understand what he is capable of, who he really is. I can’t go back to that life, I can’t,” she says.
Someone switches on the lights, and a second later we hear Kiki’s voice.
“What’s going on out there? Why are you two lying on the floor?”
Tahlia
Micah finally gets off me, standing up. I don’t take his hand when he offers to pull me back on my feet and I refuse to meet his eyes. My heart is pounding in my chest, heat spreading through me, causing my body to tense and relax at the same time. There is no way that he loves me; he used me and broke me the moment he showed up in my house to arrest me.
I follow him upstairs. Kiki is staring at both of us, looking baffled. I somehow have to convince him to let me go, to let me do this on my own, but he won’t. His actions have consequences, and there is no place for love in our world.
Luckily for us Kiki goes straight back to the bedroom, muttering something under her nose. She probably thinks that I’m pathetic. Micah shuts the doors to the living room and switches on the lights. When I glance back at the clock I realise that it’s 3:00 a.m. I had a nightmare earlier on, woke up covered with sweat and then decided that this was my best shot to get away from Micah, to run when he was fast asleep. But Tequila might not live in the same place. There is a possibility that she moved, and what if I can’t track her down? What if I end up lost in this horrible city with no money or friends?
“Do you want tea?” Micah asks, standing by the kitchen and rubbing his neck. I nod, not sure how to act around him. He said that he is in love with me, but I don’t think it’s the truth.
I watch him as he moves around the kitchen, gracefully fulfilling his purpose, getting clean cups and filling the kettle. It’s odd the intimacy of knowing how someone will complete a task so arbitrary as making a hot drink and knowing how he will make my tea so perfectly without ever asking me. I hate this s
ense of loss I feel as I watch him. I want to believe him that our time in the old manor house wasn’t staged, that he was himself then. Maybe things would be different now, if I had told him the truth, if I’d revealed my real identity.
He hands me a warm cup and sits on the opposite side of the room. The bitter anger that made me run has faded. Now I feel numb again, filled with disappointment.
“Where were you going? Did you even have a plan?” he asks, after a long moment of silence.
“Does it matter? You won’t let me leave. I don’t know what you are expecting. You can’t turn this around. The rat wanted me in prison; that’s why he set me up,” I say, wondering what really happened that night when Suranne died.
“If I prove that Rudolf is alive, then I’ll prove your innocence. Tell me, what were you planning?”
There is no sign of the old Micah in the room. The man in front of me is genuinely worried, but I’m wounded. Whatever love and passion we had is long gone. I can’t stop hating him.
“There is a girl in London that I used to talk to. Her name is Tequila Summers. I wanted to go to her,” I say, thinking that Micah might let me leave if I tell him the truth.
“What happened to Josh? You two were inseparable eight years ago, back in the estate?” he suddenly asks, flipping the subject. I almost choke on the tea, as memories start flooding my mind.
“I don’t know why you even care. You didn’t pay attention to me back then. I was just the air, your best mate’s girlfriend,” I say, ready to run back to the bathroom and throw up. This is not the time for this conversation.
“I made many mistakes in the past, and you’re the only one that can make me understand what went on between you two back then. Why did you come to me that night after Steph was found murdered? What were you trying to tell me then?”
I swallow hard and look away, wondering how long I will keep the truth away from him. Maybe someday he will face the rat, and then he’ll understand everything. Micah was cruel enough to make me love him, and I can be cruel enough to keep the truth away from him. We don’t owe each other anything. He dismissed Tequila. Maybe he doesn’t believe that she actually exists.
“It doesn’t matter. It’s the past. I failed then and you failed now,” I say, and place the cup on the coffee table. “I need to get some sleep. See you tomorrow.”
“I stand by what I said. I love you and it was all real when we were together.”
I want to stop and look at him, but my legs keep moving. I’m forcing myself to ignore what he said, forcing myself to feel indifferent.
Chapter Eight
Hard going
The days are passing by and I’m trying hard to get used to the new routine, my new life. Micah has made me a promise not to push me, and I accepted it for now. Things between us are still tense; we don’t talk to each other unless we have to. We are just two strangers living under the same roof.
I get up in the morning and make breakfast for everyone. Micah leaves the house in midmorning. He is normally gone for a good few hours, and every time he leaves he makes me promise him that I won’t be running away. I don’t know where he goes and what he does. I try not to get involved, but I’m curious. For some reason I’m sticking to my promise. Besides, I can’t leave Kiki on her own. She was being treated for clinical depression, but she hasn’t taken any meds since we left the hospital. She says that the meds were making her sleepy and drowsy, but I have no idea how long she can be stable.
After the third day of watching the news, it looks like the media has finally picked up on our story. As I expected, my face is blasted on the main screen, but there is no mention of Kiki or Micah. The police are looking for me, but I have no idea if they have any leads at all. Micah is certain that they want to keep this whole thing quiet; therefore they won’t even mention that their best detective was involved in my escape.
I hate doing nothing and I hate that I’m stuck between four walls. Most days I just stare out the window or play Monopoly with Kiki. Micah got that for us when she complained that she was bored out of her mind. There is something calming about this girl. I don’t want to say that we are bonding, but she seems easygoing and seems fine being in this whole situation.
The police in Braxton don’t seem to have any idea where we might be, unless they’re withholding information from the media to make us wonder if we are being tracked. I don’t ask Micah. It’s another unnecessary conversation that will only spark up a new argument. After my escape and our conversation on the sofa, we seem to be further apart than we were. He loves me and I hate him. This whole thing can’t get any more complicated than that.
“Where do you think Micah is disappearing every day then?” Kiki asks, while making some pasta dish. Surprisingly she is a very good cook. I stretch my arms above my head, counting the number of hours that I spent in this shithole not acknowledging Micah Thomson at all, hiding stuff from him and imagining us being together again. Sometimes I’m pathetic enough to do that.
Whatever good times we had are now forgotten. The nights are the worst, because the nightmares keep coming back and then I want to go to him and apologise.
“I have no idea, Kiki. Why don’t you ask him?”
She looks at me puzzled, staring at our pointless game.
“He won’t say where he is going; besides, he has been in a mood lately. I don’t want to make this more awkward,” she states. It’s no surprise that she noticed that we barely talk to each other. Most days Micah seems frustrated and angry. Sometimes when he can’t see me I stare at him. He still makes me woozy inside, and my heart reacts, pounding loudly in my ears.
“How do you know that he is angry?” I ask.
“He seems pissed with himself, especially when you’re in the room. Are you ever going to forgive him for this fuck-up or not? Because I swear to God, I don’t think I can take this screwed up tension any longer,” Kiki says, staring at me with her blue eyes.
“It’s complicated and a very long story. I’m better off running away alone, not staying with you guys. It’s just easier that way,” I say.
“But he gave up his career for you and got you out of that psych hospital,” she says, pointing out the obvious. Kiki only knows half of the truth and I don’t know what to tell her. I don’t want to even allow myself to think that I can let go of the hatred, so I keep squashing these emotions deep inside me, until I’m miserable enough to cope.
I’m just about to tell her what I think when we hear the door and Micah enters the room a moment later.
“Tahlia wants to know where you have been all morning,” Kiki fires out, and I kick her under the table. Sometimes I wonder if I could ever cope being without him, without knowing that he’s here for me.
Micah walks into the kitchen area and sits next to me. He still uses the same cologne that I liked so much in Braxton. A rush of heat floods my senses. Micah can sense that he still has this effect on me.
“Really? So why won’t she ask me herself?” he asks, looking directly at me, but directing his question to Kiki. I’m losing all my self-assurance, my voice. Maybe I’m done with dwelling on what happened.
“Because I don’t want to know. Kiki is forcing both of us to talk to each other. She thinks that we might finally get on, you know, like normal people do,” I say, meeting his eyes. Kiki keeps looking back and forth as the silence between us stretches for several seconds.
“I bought something for this evening,” he suddenly says, getting up. “We all had a stressful week, so I thought we could relax a bit and forget about all the conflicts.” He ignores my earlier statement, because probably he can’t deal with the way we interact with each other and how detached I became since he rescued me. Sometime later he brings his backpack and starts emptying it.
It looks like he wants to get us drunk, as he places three bottles of wine on the kitchen counter. It’s Friday and I haven’t been outside since we landed in this shit hole.
“Great, so I can finally get drunk. Well d
one, Detective, at least you have done something right,” Kiki smiles.
“I’ll cook us a lovely meal, and then we all will have a drink,” he adds, and winks at me. I fold my arms over my chest, staring back at him. There is no way I’m drinking wine with him tonight. He’ll get me wasted so I forget about all the crap. Well, this is not going to happen.
Kiki is in a far better mood after we get back to our Monopoly game. Micah disappears into the bathroom, and several minutes later I catch a glimpse of his naked chest.
My heartbeat spikes and I really want to slap myself for the waves of desire that scorch through my body. I need to stop feeling like that, stop dreaming about him. I don’t say anything and just continue playing with Kiki. The rest of day drags, and in late afternoon, Micah starts preparing dinner. I offer to cut some vegetables, but he declines.
“Thanks, Tahlia, I appreciate it, but I offered to make dinner, so you just sit down and relax,” he says, brushing his arm over me when he reaches out for butter. The sparks shoot over my entire body and a flashback from the past reminds me that for years I was in the background and he never noticed that I even existed.
I’m in the car with Josh, and he is doing this again. Spying on his best friend, Micah, from a distance away. I can’t seem to focus on Josh these days, because I’m constantly worried about my siblings. Last I heard, my mother had an inspection from social services, because someone complained about the smell coming from her flat. I have been sleeping rough since Josh’s brother moved back to his house.
It’s summer so it’s not that bad. My mother threw me out, but I’m so anxious to go back and check on the kids, to make sure they are not left alone and hungry.
Love & Hate Series Box Set 2 (3-4) - In Too Deep - Skimming the Surface Page 29
