Micah is standing outside the house of that girl that he started seeing a couple of weeks ago. When she approaches, Josh shifts on his car seat. The last couple of weeks have been difficult. Josh stopped being his normal self and he gets snappy with me more often than he should. The other day he pushed me when I asked him why he doesn’t like Steph.
“Stay out of my fucking business, bitch,” he told me then. I keep quiet, because he is the only person that I have and I don’t want to end up on the street or with some foster family. My mother beat me up the last time I tried to go back home and told me that I needed to get back on the street whoring.
I have a feeling that Josh only pretends that he doesn’t like Steph. I see the way he looks at her when no one is around. Sooner or later Micah will figure out that Josh is jealous of his relationship with her.
I overheard his conversation with his brother the other day. They were talking about moving a large amount of green. I can only hope that he is not into drugs himself. He knows how I feel about that. My mother is a crack addict. Deep down, Josh is a decent guy, but that conversation really started to worry me.
“Stay quiet. I’m going to talk to them and find out if they want a ride,” he says when I start cracking some lame jokes. He starts the car, not taking his eyes off Steph on the other side of the road.
He spins the car and parks just where Micah and Steph are talking and walking towards the city. I want to sink further down, so no one will notice that I’m in the back.
“Hey, what’s up, lovers? You want a lift to whatever place you’re both going?” Josh shouts and reverses the car, blocking Micah and Steph’s path. My pulse speeds up. Micah’s expression shifts, and he glances back at Steph. It’s clear that they are not pleased seeing Josh again. It’s the third time.
“Thanks, mate, but we’ll walk. The weather is fine,” Micah replies, and Josh tightens his grip on the steering wheel. This is not good. Josh is already in a bad mood and that might not end well.
“Steph, I think you should let him off the leash once in a while. You stole my drinking buddy. I can’t take Rose anywhere she is such a lightweight,” he mutters. Steph smiles weakly and steps closer to Micah.
“Josh, give it a rest. We need to get going. I’ll see you in school tomorrow, right?” he asks.
“Whatever, mate. You obviously have your priorities sorted out,” Josh barks, puts his foot down and drives off swearing loudly. I don’t dare to say anything. My muscles are strained. Josh is furious and he is driving way too fast. Yet again, I’m no one, just someone that sits in the back and listens to his rants. Sometimes I don’t think he even realises that I’m around. He only wants me when he needs to deal with his sexual frustrations.
“Fine, whatever. I was just trying to be helpful for Kiki’s sake,” I tell him, remembering that he didn’t even acknowledge me all those years ago. Right now I feel so fragile. I am so emotional and I’m just not processing anything that I associate with my past. I’m too damaged to think about anything to do with the future, because those memories from the past just keep on coming.
I am so consumed with the introspection of my thoughts I don’t notice Micah leaning into my personal space. He leans closer to me and I feel his breath tickle my skin sending goose pimples shooting all down my arm.
“We both know that you still want me. We are not finished, and whatever there was between us was just foreplay.” He smirks, using the tone of voice that I remember so well. His breath tickles the spot on my neck, and the muscles in my stomach clench. All I want him to do right now is kiss me, but my reasonable side roars to back off, that he is a scum that used me.
“Why don’t you pour some wine into my glass, hot shot? I need to get drunk; otherwise I don’t think I’ll be able to go through this evening with you,” I tell him, but my voice vibrates like crazy. My past is really fucked up, but him changing his tune won’t make any difference. My emotions can be buried, although my heart beats only for him.
“This doesn’t have to be that difficult, Tahlia. Let’s just fucking try for our sakes, no one else’s,” he says, pouring the red liquid into the glass and then handing it to me.
“I know, Micah, but I’m hurt and I don’t want to think about this tonight,” I say.
“I love you and I won’t stop fighting for you, Tahlia.” He eyes me warily over the rim of his glass and sighs deeply. “Your friend Tequila should be here tomorrow.”
“What did you just say?” I ask, nearly dropping the glass on the tiles.
“I got in touch with her and she promised to show up tomorrow. So, why have I been going out in the mornings? You wanted to see her, and I managed to track her down. I’ve done this for you, to show you that I mean everything that I said.”
I stare at him in disbelief, not even knowing how he got in touch with Tequila in the first place. If he is telling me the truth, then maybe I should try to understand him, try to find a way to stop hating him, even when I don’t think this will ever be possible.
Chapter Nine
A little bit of needed honesty
When we sit down to have dinner a bit later on, Kiki is bouncing on her chair with excitement, and I’m a nervous wreck. Micah admitted that he isn’t over me and he is going to fight for me until the very end. I know that I shouldn’t believe everything he says, but I haven’t seen Tequila for ages and I’m looking forward to catching up with her. Somehow he managed to find her and I know that she values her privacy. He didn’t have her address and I know for a fact that this task wouldn’t have been easy.
A moment later Micah places roast potatoes on the table and my mouth starts to water. Everything smells delicious and I can’t wait to dig in.
“Oh my God, that looks bloody awesome,” Kiki says, looking impressed. “I hated the food in the hospital, everything was so disgusting.” Okay, so Micah Thomson is not only brilliant in sex, but he is also an awesome cook. I shouldn’t be feeling depressed. He has many flaws too.
Why am I even thinking about this now? Maybe the wine is already messing with my thoughts. He deliberately brought quite pricey bottles. He places the plates with steaks in front of me and Kiki and then brings the wine. I’m much calmer than before, and the atmosphere isn’t tense anymore.
“Dig in, ladies. I have taken my time to make sure everything was cooked perfectly. The only other person that ever tried this dish was T, and he was ready to lick the plate if I hadn’t stopped him,” he says, smiling.
“T? Who is that?” Kiki asks, shoving some food into her mouth. Micah loses his smile and doesn’t respond straight away.
“Someone that I couldn’t keep safe,” he replies, sounding angry. “Someone that told me you were the one that sold stories about me to the press, Tahlia.”
I look at him, frowning, wondering what the hell he is talking about.
“What stories?” I question him. He looks at me for a really long time, with a mixture of anger and disappointment. I hate that he had to bring back the past again.
“The stories about my scummy parents. You were the only one that I ever shared that embarrassing secret with,” he finally states, looking hurt.
“I have no idea what you are talking about, hot shot. I have never done such a thing. Whoever this T is, he sold you a pack of lies. I have never spoken to the press. I’m not a scum.”
Micah stares at me for more than a minute, probably putting the pieces from that time back together. He doesn’t bring that subject up anymore and after some time Kiki starts blabbing about something else. How can he think I could have betrayed him like that, and for what? Just to earn some quick cash? He sounds absurd. Maybe it’s better if I don’t get involved in his life any further. He shared stuff about his toxic parents with me, and I appreciated it, but that’s still the past.
I don’t know how I would feel around him if Kiki weren’t with us. This would most definitely look like a date. After the awkward conversation is long forgotten, Micah glances at me a few times, probably won
dering if I’m enjoying the food. Luckily for both of us, Kiki babbles about everything and anything, so I don’t have to force myself to talk to him. I drink wine, getting lost in my own thoughts.
Later on when my stomach is bloated and I can’t eat anymore, I move to the sofa. Kiki doesn’t shut up, talking about the time when she went to Spain with her sister.
My head feels heavy, and I know that I’m already tipsy. I keep topping up my glass and laughing to myself. I know that it’s the only way I’ll get through this evening without any more arguments. My skin burns, my heart pounds and all my thoughts keep galloping back to the time when we made out in the old library. I remember every single detail about that moment. Micah is cleaning up in the kitchen. He moves around slowly, and I can see from the corner of my eye as he sips his wine and glances back at me often.
I find some music channel on the TV and drink more. By the time the bottle is empty, I’m wasted. Maybe even drunk enough to tell Micah that I still love him, but I don’t think I can ever forgive him. Kiki starts dancing in the middle of the living room, singing along to some Beyoncé song. Micah flops next to me several minutes later.
“You know, I remember that you never paid any attention to me when your girlfriend was still alive,” I say, feeling brave enough to start this conversation. He looks over my face, his face flustered. His eyes feel heavy on my lips, and my cheeks heat up.
“Tahlia, maybe you should slow down with the wine. We both know that this might not end well,” he says with a deep sigh.
“No, you can’t tell me what to do. I know that I was stupid enough to believe that Josh could take care of me, but you were there, and you didn’t notice me, didn’t think that there was anything wrong,” I tell him, raising my voice. Kiki mumbles something about the next song that comes up and increases the volume.
“What are you talking about, Tahlia?” Micah asks, moving closer. I wave my hand away, wondering if he would ever figure out that Josh was never his friend like he pretended to be. God, he was supposed to be the smartest guy on our estate.
“You have no idea. You didn’t know what was going on under your nose. I always felt so invisible when you were around,” I say, speaking out loud, feeling dizzy. I swallow the tears, as a cold shiver crawls over my spine. I don’t know why I’m so upset. Micah doesn’t understand and he never will. Rat doesn’t have any power over me, and he can’t order me around; he can’t tell me if I’m allowed to breathe, feed myself or use the toilet. It’s all in the past.
“I’m truly sorry about this, Tahlia. I was too ignorant and stupid then. You looked different all these years ago,” he admits, still not getting what I’m trying to tell him.
“No, you idiot, I looked the same, had the same problems, but you never paid attention. I was just the puppet, a dog in the car,” I shout.
“You came to me that night after Steph was found murdered for a reason. Were you going to tell me something then?”
“Talking, so much talking. First it was my mother that kept treating me like her slave, then Josh, and in the end the police. No one ever knew what was going on. All they ever wanted was to get to rat. They didn’t give a damn that I was in danger! The fucking police,” I shout, losing the plot. Tears are streaming down my cheeks.
Micah pulls me into his arms all of a sudden. I tell myself that it’s okay to be weak tonight, to feel his heartbeat thumping against my own. My heart turns over heavily in my chest, almost painfully. Shivers begin to travel across my back, down to my stomach. I want to go back to the time when I still could make my own choices; maybe then the past wouldn’t have to be so screwed.
“I’m sorry that you were hurt and I’m sorry that I left you alone all those years ago. I’ll keep you safe. I always will. You don’t need to be afraid anymore,” I hear him whispering to me, caressing my back. Too many conflicted memories are slamming into me, and I’m struggling to keep being detached, feeling nothing but the usual numbness. Micah’s touch is so comforting all of a sudden. The music finally stops and for a long moment we hear a loud snoring. When I look up, I see Kiki lying on the floor, holding a bottle of wine close to her chest.
“He was a bad, bad man, and you will never know,” I say over and over.
“Then tell me.”
“He was bad, always bad,” I repeat again, and he squeezes his arms around me tighter.
“You trusted me once and I trashed it, Tahlia. Just let me fix everything. Let’s start over. I have a plan.”
I lift my head and look at his eyes.
“Kiss me. I know you want to. Make the past go away, Micah,” I beg him, not even knowing what I’m saying. But this feels right, and I want to be happy again.
He eyes widen, but he doesn’t move or stop touching me. My hatred mixed with pumping love for him burns through me. Heat invades my veins, spreading down below between my legs. Micah can’t see that I used to suffer.
“Tahlia, you’re hurting and I’m not going to take advantage of you in that state,” he says.
“I have dreamed for eight years that you were my boyfriend, not Josh. All this time I hoped that you’d see me, the real me.”
He looks away, hurt, guilty and resentful, probably because of the past, probably because he still doesn’t understand the connections.
“I was stupid, naive. This time it will be different. I’ll kill Rudolf myself and prove that he murdered Suranne.”
“Then kiss me. I need you to kiss me,” I tell him again.
“No, I’m not taking advantage of you when you’re drunk. Come on, let’s get you to bed,” he adds.
He helps me to get on my feet. My world starts to spin. I giggle; laugh out loud, blocking the disappointment and pain. The wine healed the hatred.
“This is not my room,” I laugh, looking at the empty walls, the blankets on the floor.
“For some reason I don’t trust you being here alone. Just lie down, Tahlia,” he says.
When I press my head to the pillow, it’s all better, easier. His strong arms are wrapped around me and I feel good. My head keeps racing, the thoughts and memories of our time in Braxton. I have a few good ones from there. The rest of my life is filled with misery, pain and suffering. The darkness has never left me. Desire courses over the surface of my skin, and I’m drifting away, forgetting that I’m cuddled up to the man that caused me so much pain.
***
The morning light stirs me awake, and when I try to open my eyes I feel like my head is just about to explode. My mouth is dry and I need a drink of water, possibly a gallon of water. It takes me a moment to realise that there is someone holding me, another body pressed close to my back. Last night I most definitely drank too much. I remember talking to Micah, and him holding me closely.
All of a sudden I want to die, remembering what I said and did. Half of the things that I was saying didn’t make any sense and now his arms are wrapped around my waist. I can’t deny the heat that is holding me back or the need of taking this further. My breathing speeds up as I look around, noticing his clothes on the floor, his gun on the dresser.
“Tahlia, go back to sleep,” he whispers, bringing me even closer. He can’t be still asleep, or maybe he is enjoying torturing me. A very real intense heat spreads over me, drifting down to my sex. I feel his erection, pressed over my backside.
My heart splits in two, freezing us in that moment. I just have to turn around and get up. I don’t need to torture myself like this. My thoughts are sluggish, while my heart is racing.
I feel his hand creeping up further up. I don’t even remember what I’m wearing; last night seems slightly blurry. I remember talking to Micah about how I felt eight years ago, but now I stop breathing altogether, shutting my eyes and enjoying this delicious moment of bliss.
When his fingers touch my bare stomach it’s like a flame has been lit, a liquid lust surges through my veins. The darkness fades as quickly as it appears. No one else has touched me this way before. Micah Thomson is the man that freed me
from the nightmare.
I don’t dare to make a sound, because then the tiny voice in my head reminds me that I shouldn’t be doing this, shouldn’t be letting him in. Being scarred and ripped by someone like him won’t change us. It’s done; I’m done, so I grab his hand before it slips underneath the hem of my knickers.
“Stop. You are not allowed to touch me. You lost that privilege when you betrayed me,” I hiss, push him away, and get up. My thoughts are racing, too fast, then too slow.
“Tahlia, I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking and I wasn’t trying to take advantage of you,” he says, standing up, wearing nothing apart from boxer briefs. Why does this have to be so freaking hard?
I remember running my hands over his sculpted body, breathing heavily and saying his name over and over. I dismiss how amazing he looks almost naked, trying to kick that fucking lust out of my system.
“Just stay away from me. Last night was a mistake. Nothing has changed,” I say and then get out of his room.
I hear Kiki’s squeaky voice from the corridor. “Tahlia, there is some woman in the living room. I don’t even know how she got in here. I just woke up.”
I move quickly and open the door, wondering what the hell she’s talking about.
“Kiki, what are you on about? What woman?”
“The woman in the fucking living room,” she hisses, annoyed. I roll my eyes, thinking that she’s most likely still drunk from last night.
Then my heart suddenly stops when I spot that face, the sharp hazel eyes. Tequila standing right in front of me.
I jump straight at her, hugging her like crazy, screaming with joy.
“Tahlia, calm the fuck down. I’m here and you don’t need to be emotional. You know how I hate when you’re like that,” she says, smiling. It’s light and she barely lifts her lips to give me a real smile, but in that moment I don’t really care.
“I thought that he was joking yesterday, that he made that story up,” I say, wondering how Micah managed to track her down. I guess he must have his ways, although Tequila has always been careful.
Love & Hate Series Box Set 2 (3-4) - In Too Deep - Skimming the Surface Page 30
