Men In Control (Smith Brothers Complete Series)

by Brenda Ford

  “What do you mean by that?” I ask curiously, wondering how this brother seems to be wiser than me too. They are all a lot younger than me, yet they seem to have so much more experience in love than me.

  “I just mean that you need to show her that you’re a good man, show her how worthwhile you are. Then if that isn’t enough, just treat the whole thing as a learning experience for next time.”

  I know for sure that I don’t want there to be a next time. I don’t want there to be anyone else but Tami, but Alex is right. It isn’t just about what I want. It’s up to Tami too. If she has been pushed away from me, I can’t force her to want to be with me. I just have to accept it for what it is.

  “Urgh, that sounds hard,” I groan. “How do you move on from someone you love?”

  “I don’t have the answer to that one, I’m afraid. If I did… well, things would be different.”

  What is going on with him? His whole demeanor has changed. “Don’t tell me the rock star is in love? Unrequited love at that. Aren’t you supposed to be out there sleeping with all the groupies?”

  I almost laugh until I see the sad expression on his face. Uh oh, have I stumbled on something here? I didn’t mean to make him upset as well. We only need one drama at a time in our family!

  “I just don’t have any answers for you, Brad, that’s all. You’ll have to wait until Tami gets here.”

  “If she ever shows up. I honestly don’t know if she will. The mood she was in…”

  “She will turn up,” my brother tells me confidently. “If everything that you have said is true, how could she not? She will be here, and you will have the conversation you so desperately need.”

  It could go either way, that’s what I’m going to have to accept before she even turns up. I can’t become an emotional wreck just because I might not get what I want. I’ll have to behave accordingly so I don’t make poor Tami feel even worse about the shitty situation that we find ourselves in.

  Oh God, how will I act, I ask myself desperately while fisting the bed sheets between my fingers. What will I do? What will I say? How will I hold myself together until she is gone?

  “Do you want anything?” Alex asks, distracting me from my thoughts. “I was just thinking about heading to the store.”

  “Something to drink would be awesome,” I reply distractedly. “I’ve had enough water for a life time.”

  He heads out of the room, probably because he knows that I need some time to think, and that’s exactly what I do. I dig deep in to myself and try to work out who I will be now if Tami doesn’t want me. She has changed me, opened up my eyes, made me feel things that I didn’t know were possible.

  “Where are you, Tami?” I ask frustrated in to the air. “Please come and put me out of my misery already.”

  But as I glance at the door, it remains annoyingly empty, leaving me in this horrible place of unknowing anticipation for just a little while longer. I really do hope that she turns up soon before I go crazy.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Tami

  Tears roll down my cheeks as I stand at the doorway just looking at Brad. He hasn’t yet noticed me so I can just look at him for a moment and watch the man that I love… the man that I’m not sure I can have.

  All of a sudden, he senses me looking at him and his eyes snap towards me. His eyes examine me closely, I can see him trying to unpick me, to work out which way this is going to go. I don’t know what he’s going to find since I’m not sure myself, but I let him continue to look because he seems to need this.

  “Tami,” he eventually whispers. “You’re here. You came. I wasn’t sure that you were going to.”

  “Yes, of course I came. I was always going to come. I’m sorry it took me so long,”

  He indicates for me to take a seat, which I do. My heart pounds in my mouth as I look at him. Nerves get the better of me and my fingers twirl around and around one another. I’m awkward now, I don’t like being this way around Brad, it’s horrible. But I don’t know what I’m going to say to him.

  Ruby made me come. That’s the issue. She told me that I need to be here. Much as she’s right, it’s scary.

  “Are you okay?” he asks quietly. “She didn’t hurt you again, did she?”

  “No.” I shake my head. “No, she didn’t hurt me. She wanted to though.”

  His eyes fall closed. I can see the serious distress on his face. “I’m sorry, Tami. That’s horrible.”

  “Well, she is locked away now, so I guess she isn’t to worry about anymore.”

  I can hardly stand to look at him. My eyes fix on a spot on the floor while I wait for him to answer me. I suppose there isn’t a lot for him to say. What can he say? It is better now that Maria is locked up, but the damage that she has created has had lasting effects. We are in a bit of a mess here, aren’t we?

  “I meant what I said,” Brad whispers quietly. “I really do love you. I hope you know that.”

  This is what I have been so deathly afraid of. Upon hearing those words, I suck in a deep breath of panicked air. It’s nice, I do like knowing that he feels the same way that I do. It does bring me some comfort, but not as much as I thought it would. I assumed that was my only issue, but now hearing that he loves me gives me a sense of coldness. It isn’t everything. It makes me clearly see that we have more issues between us.

  “Yes, I love you too,” I whisper back, my cheeks wetting by the second. “I love you very much.”

  “I’m not even worried that it’s very quick,” he continues. “We know what is right for us. I might have said that I did it in the middle of a stressful moment, but it came from a very real place.”

  I nod along silently, agreeing with him. My fingers clutch around the seat beneath me, my knuckles turning white because I’m holding onto it so hard. My head spins with dizziness as I try to consider just which way this is going. I cannot believe that I have come here to possibly put an end to this.

  “Come here,” Brad begs me. “Please just hug me. I want to hold you for a moment.”

  I rise to my feet automatically, needing that as well. I have to practically climb on to the bed to hug him and immediately the warmth of his body floods me. His so hot, so comforting, so loving…

  “Kiss me?” he asks, sounding unsure of himself. This fear draws me in. I can’t resist doing what he asks. I lean my lips up towards him and kiss him, my pulse racing, my whole body throbbing with need as I do. I want to follow what my body wants; I need to just cling to him and never let go. I don’t want to move…

  But as soon as my eyes fall closed, I practically jump. The memory of Maria outside my home, threatening my life, comes flooding back. I’m in my bed, hiding under the sheets, utterly terrified.

  “Oh God, sorry, are you okay.” Brad holds my arms, trying to keep me steady.

  “Yeah, it’s just… all of this.” I lean back. “It’s just freaking me out, that’s all.”

  “I know.” His shoulders slump forwards, he looks dejected and sad. “I know it must be hard for you. That’s why I’m not surprised that you haven’t been in to visit me. It doesn’t shock me that you’re too freaked out to have anything to do with me at the moment. If I were you, I wouldn’t either. I mean, you’re too young for all of this drama, aren’t you? You could be in a much simpler relationship than this one.”

  He’s testing me, trying to figure out just how I feel about this, and I honestly don’t have an answer for him. I could be in a more straight forward relationship. I have been thinking that myself. But I don’t know if it’s what I want. I haven’t really worked that much out yet. There are pros and cons to every side of it. Every time I think I know which way I might be going; I change my mind all over again.

  “Maria is crazy,” he continues, obviously very uncomfortable with the silence. “She is someone that I shouldn’t have ever been with. Even for a few days. I mean, I thought that I was very clear when I explained to her that it wasn’t ever going to be anything serious. Clear
ly, I made a mistake there. What I should have done is run in the opposite direction. I never should have acted as I did back when I was young and foolish.”

  It’s time to find out exactly what happened in to his past. I haven’t been interested before; I was only concerned with what we have right now. But his past is continually creeping in to our presence so I need to know.

  “So, there were a lot of one night stands then? A lot of people who could crawl out of the wood work?”

  He parts his lips and for a second, I think that he might be about to reassure me as usual because he doesn’t want to let me go… but thankfully he thinks about this and he decides to be honest with me.

  “I have had a lot of one night stands and short flings, yes,” he confesses. These words make a bitter bile swirl around my body. “I never wanted to get connected to someone seriously because I have always been looking after my brothers and trying to keep the family business afloat. I haven’t ever liked anyone enough to bring them in to my life properly. Until you, of course.” I remain silent. Right now, I don’t know how to respond to that. “I have always been honest. Or tried to be, at least. I never wanted there to be any confusion like this.”

  “But it’s possible?” I ask curiously. “There might be more crazy exes coming out to get us?”

  “I would like to say no, but I suppose I can’t be one hundred percent about that.”

  I lean back and look at him, narrowing my eyes curiously. That’s a serious answer to me, it spells a lot of trouble. “I can be a hundred percent sure that it won’t ever be my ex coming after us.”

  “You can’t be that sure,” he argues, causing me to roll my eyes. “You can’t. No one can.”

  “Okay fine. Ninety nine percent sure. He wouldn’t come after me. But it seems like the women in your life might. I have to be honest, that really scares me. I don’t want to end up in that situation again.”

  “No, I don’t want that either. I don’t want to end up like that. It was a damn nightmare.”

  We sit in silence for a little while, neither of us looking at one another. The risk is just too high, that’s what the issue is. The terror that someone might come after us yet again. Brad must be able to feel it just as much as I do. I can’t help but wonder if his lungs have squeezed as tightly as mine. Does he feel like the world is falling out from underneath his feet? That the foundation he has been existing upon has vanished and now he’s just falling endlessly with no end in sight? Because Maria being locked away and Brad loving me isn’t quite enough. I still don’t feel safe enough to fall in to this willingly and happily. I’m full of sheer terror.

  “Do you… need some time?” Brad asks me, sounding resigned now. “Some time to think?”

  Immediately, the fog of fear dissipates a bit. The idea that I can just take a step away from this and just think. I don’t know if I am willing to let go of Brad forever, but I also can’t be in this right now.

  “I think I might need to,” I say with just as much sadness as Brad uses. “Just for a little while. I’m just… I’m sorry, Brad, I just need to think. This has truly shaken me to the core. I don’t know how to digest this.”

  “I understand.” He nods, but I can see from his body language that he isn’t really agreeable. “I get it. I don’t blame you at all. Will you just… contact me once you have had some time to think?”

  A little sob flies out. This is gutting, it’s devastating, I hate that it’s become this way. I didn’t want this, it’s what Maria wanted, not us, but I have to think about what I need as well. I need to be careful with me. I can’t lose myself in all of this and ever since I started to get those threatening messages, I’ve been slipping away.

  “I will be in touch,” I promise through the weeping. “This isn’t the last time you will see me.”

  But as Brad clings to my hand, almost as if he can’t bear to let me go, it does feel oddly like it might be. I suppose in a way, it could be because if I do decide that this is all too much more me, I will have to leave my job and work somewhere where I don’t have to face him anymore… but I don’t want to think too deeply in to that right now. I don’t want to plan out my future until I know which way it will go.

  I lean down and kiss Brad once more. He holds my cheeks and keeps me there for a few moments, my mouth on his, reminding me of all the crazy wonderful things that we have been through. The sexual chemistry when Angelo pushed us together. Our first kiss, the first time we slept together, our first date…

  I don’t want to walk away from all of that. It’s damn near impossible, but it’s the wisest thing right now. I’m pretty sure that it will be good for both of us. We need this.

  “I love you,” he says sadly while slowly releasing me. “I’m sorry that all of this happened.”

  “Me too.” I hold his hand, the electricity zipping through me as I do. “Me too.”

  Then it’s time for me to take a step back and walk away from him. I feel a part of myself tear away as I do. It’s like I’m literally being shredded in half. I wonder if I will ever be able to put myself back together again.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Brad

  I pace up and down the house, unable to sit still even though each step is a little uncomfortable. I wouldn’t say painful as much, more just not like it normally is. The scars left behind on my body from Maria remain even if they are only on the inside. That bitch has done what she needs to, so she won’t be forgotten.

  “Will you just sit down,” Nelson groans. “I’m trying to watch the game and you keep walking in front of the TV. It’s driving me mad. Now I don’t even know what team is winning.”

  “Since when do you give a shit about basketball?” I growl, taking my anger out on him.

  “What do you care?” He rolls his eyes. “I just want to watch the game, alright?”

  I groan, but don’t say anything more. I don’t really want to get in to an argument with Nelson. Or any of my brothers really. They have all rallied around me, remaining by my side even though I’m not in the hospital anymore, trying to support me through this difficult time, but that doesn’t make me any less of a mess.

  I don’t know where Tami is, I have no idea what she is thinking, whether she wants to be with me or not, and it’s destroying me. I know that she needs time and space, but every second without her is killer. My body is falling apart. I don’t know how the hell I am supposed to survive without her any longer. And what if she decides that being apart is better? What will I do then? There isn’t even a scrap of hope for me.

  “Shall I go in to the office then?” I wonder aloud, needing to escape. “Then I won’t be in anyone’s way.”

  “You aren’t allowed to work,” Angelo calls from the other room. “You have to rest still.”

  “I’m not resting though, am I? I’m restless. I can’t sit still. I might as well be productive.”

  “No way. Don’t be stupid. You need to be at home. You need to be with us.” He comes in to the room and hands me a glass of juice. “We are all here for you. Don’t worry about anything else.”

  I want to scream with frustration. I can’t just be here with nothing to do, my brain ticking over. I am driving myself mad. Angelo knows me best; he must know that this is killing me. I glare at him, pouring all of my hate in to him for the time being. He doesn’t react in any way at all. He simply turns away and sits next to Nelson.

  “We need to do something,” Alex jumps in, looking to Oliver for reassurance. Wesley too. “Something to celebrate. Brad has been through a shitty time recently. We should do something to lift his spirits.”

  “I don’t want anyone to do anything. I just want to go back to work,” I shoot back. “My spirits are fine.”

  “We could have like a barbeque or something,” Alex carries on as if he can’t hear me. “Remember when our parents used to do that? I mean, I can’t really remember because I was too young. But I have seen them at lots of pictures at barbeques with their friends. In that back ya
rd there. It could be… a good way to honor them.”

  I want to roll my eyes again in frustration, but a thick ball of emotion lodges in the back of my throat. I am old enough to remember those barbeques and even though I was a sulky teenager at a lot of them, wishing that I could have been with my friends rather than stuck with my family, now I look back on them fondly. The days were always sunny, the atmosphere a good one. I don’t often take the time to miss my parents because it hurts too much but now, I can’t help it. I really damn well wish that they were still around.

  “It could be fun,” Oliver offers. “All of us getting together. Good food, some drinks, relax…”

  “Yes!” Alex loves this. He is about to run away with this idea so much that I can’t do anything but let it happen. Just because there is a barbeque, doesn’t mean that I have to be a part of it. “Yes, then we can invite all of our friends and just have a good time. I think that we all need to have a relaxing time.”

  “I don’t need to relax,” I cry out angrily, just needing someone to hear me. “I just need to get back to my life.”

  I grab my cell phone and stare at the screen, moaning as there is still nothing there. I keep waiting and wishing that I would just hear from Tami already, so I don’t have to feel so lost anymore, but I guess that won’t happen.

  “Brad, you need time. You need a space in between what’s happened and moving on.”

  “I’m not getting anywhere with you right now. I’m done. I don’t want any of this.”

  “Brad, you will enjoy it.” Again, Alex just refuses to hear what I’m saying. Even though I knew this was going to happen, hearing it is so much harder. “You will enjoy yourself once the party starts. I know that you don’t like the idea now, but you’ll thank me once it’s happening. You will, trust me.”

  I snort with derision but give up the arguing any longer. Let him plan his stupid barbeque. Let him carry on doing whatever he wants. If it makes him feel better and more useful then so be it.