by Brenda Ford
“We need to make a plan,” Angelo says instead. “We need to structure our next move. Work out who we’re going to hire next, work out how things are going to go. See how we can make it work.”
This is good. This is something much better to focus on. Work can consume me easily, which is what I need. To take my mind off of other things that I just can’t control. Such as where Tami is and what she’s thinking. What she might want to do when it comes to me and her now…
“I agree. Let’s do it now. I need something else to focus on rather than the shit storm of my life. I want to make sure that everything works here. I can’t sacrifice this. You know that. Better than anyone.”
Angelo nods and agrees with me. So, we set about focusing on the business. This is where I have always put all my heart, where I have focused all of my life, why I haven’t had a relationship and I also haven’t ever been hurt like this before either. It’s easier like this. Much better. Maybe I should go back to that…
I lean against the bar, the beer swirling through my system as I wave around my pint glass needing another drink. After spending the whole day with Angelo, and a lot of it with Oliver as well, working out how the company is going to work now, I needed somewhere alone to blow off steam… I might have gone a bit too far and had too many to drink, but it feels good. I’m in a familiar situation now. Working hard all day, having a drink at my favorite bar in the evening… it’s like my life was before Tami came in to it. Yes, it’s much emptier and I don’t enjoy it as much, but at least it’s familiar. I need that.
“Hey there, you,” a female voice says quiets to me. “I haven’t seen you here for a while.”
I tilt my head to one side and see a vaguely familiar face smiling at me. Someone else that I slept with a long time ago which of course causes all the hairs to stand up on the back of my neck. I must have been the one to send Maria crazy. And the other one night stands who have gotten too attached. It’s me. And this might be another person who I have hurt as well. I don’t know if I can handle that right now.
“I… I’m sorry… I…” I stammer out, panic coursing through my veins.
“You don’t need to sound so worried,” she laughs while perching on the chair next to me. “I just came over to say hi. Do you want a drink, maybe? It looks like you’re out.” She points to my glass.
“Er, yeah. Yeah I do want one please.” I narrow my eyes at this woman, trying to work out her motive.
“You’re looking at me like I have lost my mind, Brad. I know that it’s been a while, but I’m still the same person. I’m still Jeanie. I’m still your friend from years ago. Even if you’ve abandoned me recently.”
“I haven’t abandoned you, I just… I had other things going on. I’ve been busy.”
“Yeah, I thought as much. A woman, right? One who has finally caught your eye for good?”
“Have we slept together?” I blurt out, definitely because of the booze. I wouldn’t have said it otherwise.
“Yes, of course we have.” She laughs loudly. “Have you had sex with so many people that you can’t remember? God, and there was me thinking that I was special…”
“Uh oh. I’m sorry. Did I hurt you that bad? I didn’t mean to…”
“No, no, I’m joking…” she reassures me instantly. “I knew what it was. Me and you just had that one night of fun. I didn’t actually think that I was special. We were just friends though, right. Still are.”
For some reason, this makes me feel so much better. Knowing that someone I have had sex with doesn’t hate my guts is a relieving feeling. Jeanie has loosened the tight knot in my chest. I smile at her gratefully, glad that I have accidently stumbled across this woman. She has made my night better.
“That’s good to hear. I’m glad that me and you can still be friends.”
“That doesn’t mean I’m sleeping with you again though,” Jeanie teases while sliding my beer towards me. “It was fun at the time, but I’m looking for something much more serious now.”
“Yeah, me too,” I admit while taking a sip of my drink.
“You are? Brad Smith wants something serious?” She cocks a brow. “Wow, I never thought that would happen. This must be some girl. She has really changed you, hasn’t she?”
“She has. She really has. She’s the one, you know? Only I don’t know if she feels the same.”
“Uh oh. Unrequited love,” Jeanie replies. “That’s the worst kind. What happened?”
I find myself spilling the whole sorry to Jeanie. This is someone new, someone unrelated to this who can give me advice. Yes, she is someone that I have had sex with before, but she doesn’t seem to hold it against me. It’s a strange place to get advice from, but I’m desperate right now. I don’t have any choice.
“Oh wow,” she replies once I have gotten to the end. “You picked a crazy one there.”
“I don’t know if it’s my fault though. If I didn’t make it clear enough that me and her weren’t going to be together. That’s what gave her false hope. I don’t know if I have done it to other people as well.”
“You were very honest with me,” she reassures me. “You don’t need to worry about that. I knew where I stood which was why we can still be friends. I knew that me and you were never going to be.”
“And you didn’t mind it? You weren’t bothered?”
“No of course not. We both got what we wanted… has Maria really worried you so much? It seems to me like she was just crazy and obsessed by you. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I just… if I’m honest with you, it reminds me that I am not good enough for Tami, you know? She is perfect. Wonderful, beautiful, way better than me. If I drive women crazy, then she should be far away from me. She knows that as well, which is why she has pulled away from me. She’s scared.”
“You are just assuming that,” Jeanie tells me. “You have no idea what she’s thinking.”
“Hmm, I suppose not. But it has to be that, doesn’t it? Why else could she want to pull away?”
“You are traumatized by what happens, so I imagine she is the same way. You said that she’s younger as well. Trauma hits you harder when you’re younger, I think. I mean, that’s just an assumption on my behalf, not truth. But I would imagine that she just needs some time to recover.”
“Jeanie, I am so freaking glad that I bumped in to you today, I hope you know that.” She laughs and raises her glass, so I do the same. We clink them together in a cheers gesture before I continue talking. “You know, my brothers are having a barbeque on Saturday. For me, to cheer me up…”
“Oh, that’s nice! I don’t know all of your brothers. Only Oliver.”
“Well, I would invite you, but I don’t think I want to go. Instead, I want to hang out here with you. We could get drunk. As friends, obviously since we are looking for something more serious.”
“Well, I might be working next Saturday, I’m not too sure. But if not, that sounds fun.”
We clink out glasses together once more and laugh aloud. As we do, I swim with joy. Being here and having fun is so much better than wallowing in misery. I am sick of being that unhappy bastard. Alex will be unhappy with me for not attending the party that he is throwing just for me, but I’m sure once he gets in to the swing of things he will forget that I am not there. I just don’t want it, I would rather be in this dark, dingy bar, having fun.
“Okay good. Let’s do that then.” I smile brightly. “Now, it’s time to get you a drink since you got me one.”
I don’t think I will leave here until closing time. Especially if I can have a friend with me. It will make work unpleasant tomorrow, but it’s unpleasant anyway. The company is running just fine without me anyway, without me being fully present, so I really don’t think a hangover will affect me any worse.
I just have to keep going, that’s all. Keep going until… well, until something happens to change it all up over again. Whatever way that might be…
Chapter Thirty-Five
&
nbsp; Tami
“I don’t know about this,” I complain while twisting from side to side. “Are you sure this looks okay?”
“You look stunning,” Ruby insists strongly. “Honestly, Tami. You’re making a bold move today. You look good for it as well. Navy always looks great on you; it brings out your eyes. It makes your hair look great too.”
I stare at my reflection once more, not sure if I would ever be comfortable with what I’m wearing today. Right now, I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin. Just knowing that I’m about to face something huge. After some serious thinking, my brain has cleared taking all of my doubts with it. I don’t need to worry anymore about anything because I know exactly what I want. What I have always wanted. I have always been the girl who follows my head, who picks the guy who seems nice, who works hard and does what she has told, but now for once, I want to follow my heart. To pick the man who makes me happier than anyone else.
Yes, it’s still scary. There are always going to be risks, but I’m coming to terms with what happened with Maria now and I know that if we can weather that we can weather anything.
“Do you think that he’s going to want me back, Ruby? Seriously? You don’t think I’m going to like… walk in there and he has another girlfriend or something? God, I would just die.”
“No way! His brother called you and invited you there. He wouldn’t have done that if Brad didn’t want you there. Brad will be in on it, won’t he? He’s probably begged you Alex to call you.”
I know that she’s right. I really don’t think Alex would make this a surprise, but all the worst case scenarios keep flooding my mind. Brad rejecting me, pushing me away, wanting rid of me.
“I’m just scared that I pushed him away, that’s all.”
Ruby grabs my shoulders and stares in to my eyes. “Tami, would you have understood if he needed time and space after what happened? Of course you would. And he’s going to understand as well.”
I nod and try to accept this, but the butterflies flap violently in my stomach. They are almost painful. I keep gripping on to my belly, trying to force the away, but they don’t go anywhere.
Focus on what we shared; I remind myself. Think about what made you want him back.
It did take a lot of soul searching, some deep thinking, but in the end, it became obvious that I am not willing to give up the amazing life that me and Brad could have. It might not work out, things could go wrong later on, but I would rather find out. I don’t want to spend forever wondering what might have been, comparing all of my future relationships to him and knowing that nothing will ever be able to compare to him.
“Are you ready to go?” Ruby asks with a small smile playing on her lips. “Ready to see him now?”
“I don’t know. I’m not sure if I’m honest. I’m all… I don’t know how to describe it.”
She pulls me in for a hug and holds me for a moment, stroking my hair reassuringly. “You are going to be fine. Whatever the outcome, you are strong enough to take it. You can handle anything. Just think about everything that you have been through so far. You survived losing your dad, your mother moving away, Daniel cheating on you over web cam when you hadn’t even had sex with him, you survived that crazy bitch, Maria, too.”
“Wow, when you put it like that, it sounds like my life has been really dramatic,” I laugh.
“It has! I don’t think you quite realize how much. And you have gotten through it all.”
She’s right, but somehow, this feels like the scariest thing I will ever have to face. I thought that it was a good idea to see Brad like this in a more relaxed environment to have this conversation, but now I’m not sure if I would be better off seeing him at work and just easing back in to things gently.
“Stop it,” Ruby warns me. “I can see that look on your face. You’re talking yourself out of it.”
“I’m not, I’m just…” I give it up because she knows me too well. “Alright, alright, I will.”
“Come on then. I will drive you to the party. Then we can have a talk on the way.”
“A talk?” I query. “Uh oh, that sounds like I’m in trouble. Am I?”
“You might be. I haven’t decided yet.” She winks at me. “Come on, we need to leave now so you aren’t late.”
“You know, you could just come in to the barbeque with me,” I suddenly blurt out the idea like it’s obvious. “I don’t think Brad would mind… it could be fun. And I would like to have you there…”
She shakes her head no. “I can’t, Tami. This is your thing. You think you’re going to need me, but you aren’t. Once you get there and you lay eyes on Brad, you will forget that I’m even there. I have a date tonight anyway…”
“Oh my God, your anniversary!” I clap my hand to my forehead. “I’m so sorry, I forgot.”
“Don’t you worry. You have had a lot going on. I don’t expect you to remember…”
“I will be a better friend, I promise you. Once this is all over. Whatever way it goes…”
She indicates for me to follow her outside, so I do. As I take the seat in her car, I try and calm myself down, but it doesn’t happen. The closer I get to seeing Brad, the more anxious I become. I slide my eyes closed and think about his face, his smile, the way that he holds me tightly… I could be back there again. At the end of tonight, me and Brad could be back to where we are best. Happy and in love.
“You are going to be fine,” Ruby tells me as she drives along. “I know that I have said this before, but I feel like it needs repeating. Today is going to be good. It’s my opinion that you two are perfect for one another and that you will be together forever. But just remember, even if that doesn’t happen, I am here. Even tonight, you can call me. It doesn’t matter. I am there for you. I hope you know that.”
“Ruby, I don’t deserve you. Honestly, you are such a good friend. I don’t know what I would do without you.”
I take a moment to count my blessings. Everything that she discussed me surviving only a little while before, she was there through most of it, propping me up. I really am going to be a better friend to her in the future. I am. I’m going to stop being so selfish and worrying about me. I really have become self-centered in this time.
“This is his house?” Ruby exclaims in shock as she sees the Smith mansion. “That’s insane.”
“His parents must have been very rich before they died,” I reply wryly. “The boys were very lucky. I mean, not to lose their parents obviously, but to land with a house like this and a successful business.”
“Yeah, I guess so. And they have one another as well. All six of them.”
“That’s right. None of them have been left alone.”
We remain there in silence for a few moments, just looking at the house. Ruby is probably wondering what their lives are like whereas I’m panicking about what might be going on inside. Once I knock on that door, I unleash everything that has been scary to me. I have to explain myself, to face what I almost walked away from because of fear. I will have to throw myself in to the pit of abyss with him.
“Well, you can’t just sit here forever and wait, can you?” Ruby laughs. “You need to get that gorgeous ass of yours inside and do what you need to do. Get that man, Grab your happiness.”
I nod, but I don’t move right away. I feel like I have melted all over the floor and I need to gather myself back up again. I need to mold myself back in to my human form and just do it already.
“Thanks, Ruby,” I reply in a shaky voice. “And you have a good night tonight, okay?”
“I will. And you. Call me if you need me. I will have my cell phone with me all night.”
I already know that even if this all goes horribly wrong, I won’t bother contacting her. I have taken up enough of Ruby’s time recently. This is her anniversary. She needs to have a lot of fun. She doesn’t need to be involved in my drama for tonight. There might not be any drama anyway. It might be just fine. Who knows?
After a hug, we share our goodby
es and I step out of the car. Ruby doesn’t drive away right away, she waits, clearly waiting to see if I go inside or not which gives me no choice. So, I force my shaky legs to take me to that front door. It barely even feels like my feet are touching the ground as I go.
“Just knock,” I whisper in a warning tone to myself as I get there. “It will be fine.”
I turn back and see Ruby still waiting for me, so I don’t have any choice. I lift my fist, and I knock. My heart thunders violently, beating against my rib cage as I do. I have to force a giant smile on my lips as the door swings open. There, Angelo’s expression turns from one of shock all the way to happiness.
“Oh my God, Tami, you’re here.”
“Er, Alex invited me. Is that okay? He did tell you, right?”
“Oh, he’s invited everyone.” Angelo waves his hand dismissively. “He probably did tell me. You should come in. There is good food cooking and beer flowing…” He slings his arm over my shoulder. “Come in.”
The fact that Alex hasn’t told Angelo that I’m coming worries me. It makes me panic that Brad doesn’t know either. Ruby has convinced me that Brad has orchestrated all of this, but now that I’m here I’m not so sure that it’s mutual. This is going to end up being really embarrassing if he isn’t aware.
“Oh my God, Tami!” Alex sounds a little tipsy and excitable as he bounces over to me. “You came. You’re here.” He pulls me in for a hug and leaves me in his arms for a moment too long.
“Er, yeah I’m here,” I reply in to his chest, sounding muffled. “Is Brad here as well? Does he know that I’m here? Because Angelo didn’t seem to know anything about me coming…”
“Erm. Hmmm…” Alex steps backwards and stares at me. “Not exactly. And also… there is something else…”
