by Brenda Ford
“So, what is going on with your love life?” I demand. “Things still going on with you know who?”
He gives me a little look before he shrugs. “Honestly, Rachel. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing anymore. I don’t understand what is wrong with me. Every time I take a step back from my feelings and I really look at this situation, I know what a mess I have made of things. There’s no good way out of this. I am going to lose everything. Not just Angelo, but all my brothers. There isn’t a chance in hell that anyone can be on my side after this. I wouldn’t be able to be on my side either… but there is just something about Mandy. I can’t stop myself from wanting her. I’m in love with her. So much in love with her that I would risk everything.”
“Even your family?” I’m too bitter to be caring right now. “Is she really worth that? I don’t see how anyone can be worth risking everything for? She’s just a person, isn’t she? There are plenty of others out there.”
Even as I say those words, they sound hollow. I can’t mean them, can I? When I can’t move on from someone I can’t have. Really, I’m no better than Alex. I kissed Angelo knowing that he has a girlfriend. Even if things are complicated, he is still involved enough with her. I knew that and I went for it anyway. I would have gone further as well; I just know it. if Angelo had wanted to, then I would have slept with him.
I can now understand Alex in a way that I never did before and in a way that I didn’t want to. The last few days since that kiss have been torture. I don’t know what to do with myself. How has Alex been carrying on this way for such a long time? It’s insane. If I’m struggling already, then all I can say is it must be true love from him.
Is it from Mandy though? Are they a tortured love story? But if she did love him then why not just break up with Angelo and be with Alex properly? Sure, it would cause issues for a while but the longer she leaves it the worse it is. The harder it’s going to be. The harder it is now! Why not just cut them both lose?
Oh, I don’t know. I don’t understand any of this and how to make it better. Maybe it can’t work. It might be just a pressure cooker waiting to explode at any given moment, leaving all of us hurt. It’s the sort of messy situation that would end up like that… and I don’t suppose there is anything I can do to stop it now. The wheels of pain are in motion. It’s just a case of waiting for us all to end up with nothing.
“I’m going back in,” Alex finally says with a sigh. “I need to talk to Gary and calm him down. Plus, that will give you some time to get your head in order. Try and be back soon though.”
I nod gratefully and wait for him to go. Once he’s inside and I’m finally on my own like I wanted, I try to decide what I can do to make it all okay again. I really don’t know. Without speaking to Angelo, I don’t know how to proceed. Without knowing what he is thinking, where his head is at, there isn’t anything I can do.
I pull my cell phone out of my pocket and consider just calling him. He will be at work at this time of day and definitely not with Mandy, so it could be a good time to just ask him how he’s feeling.
I mean, after what happened, he shouldn’t be with Mandy anyway. He should have broken up with her, but I don’t know if that’s the truth. He did run off and he was clearly upset and going to her then, but it might have been to tell her that he doesn’t want to be with her anymore… who knows.
But before I can even think about actually calling him – an idea kicks my brain that chills me to the bone and destroys me – I click on to his social media account. I’m just looking for some sort of sign that it’s okay to speak to him. That he isn’t with this woman who makes him miserable anymore so I can have some hope…
“Oh my God,” I whisper desperately as I see a selection of new photographs from last night. Angelo and Mandy, looking more loved up than ever. Looking like their relationship is the most solid it has ever been. Staring in to one another’s eyes, kissing each other, enjoying one another. Like kissing me has just reminded Angelo of how much he has feelings for his girlfriend and not me. It has had the opposite effect on both of us. “Fuck.”
Tears roll rapidly down my cheeks, staining my face all over. I don’t think I will ever be able to go back in to that room to rehearse now. Now that I know there is no chance. With my fantasies over Angelo, there has always been that tiny smidgen of hope that we could maybe one day realize that we’re meant to be together and make it happen, but now we’ve had that chance and he has turned it down. He has gone back to her.
“Fucking hell, Rachel,” I hiss at myself as I angrily brush some tears away. “You are an idiot.”
I have told myself this before, a number of times actually, but this time I mean it for real. There is no coming back from this now. I absolutely need to move on. I can’t pine over this man forever. It’s time for me to get a life and to look out for me. And if that means making the most of this double date that Sheri is trying to arrange for me and Luke’s friend, to see if there is someone else who will be a better fit for me, then so be it.
“I’ll call her,” I tell myself, doing anything to make me feel better now. “Sheri will help.”
As the phone rings, I pace up and down, blinking ferociously to get rid of the tears. That’s what’s annoying to me right now, the fact that I’m so stupidly upset. I really am still feeling everything too much.
“Hey, Rachel, is everything okay? What are you doing calling me in the middle of the day?”
“Oh sorry, I didn’t think. I didn’t mean to interrupt you while you’re at work. I’ll call you later.”
“No, no, don’t worry about that,” she reassures me. “Just tell me what’s going on, so I don’t panic.”
This is the moment where I could really tell her everything about me and Angelo so she can help me. I almost do it as well. I feel the words resting on the tip of my tongue, wanting to get out, but I force them back and swallow them down. I just can’t stand the idea of her being endlessly disappointed in me.
“I was just thinking about our double date, that’s all. I’m really nervous about it.”
“Oh, I knew you would be,” Sheri coos much more sympathetically this time. “But that’s why it’s better for it to be a double date. Because me and Luke will be there with you, helping you out the whole time. We can steer the conversation if needs be and make sure it doesn’t get awkward.”
I have a funny feeling that they won’t be able to peel themselves off one another for long enough to help, like she was the other night. But I don’t bother saying that because I just so desperately need her help now.
“Thanks, Sheri. I do feel better knowing that you will be there with me.”
“You should wear that black dress you had on in the bar the other night.”
I gulp and shake my head hard. There is no way that I can wear that dress with another man since it holds all the memories of Angelo within it. “I don’t know about that. It’s a bit revealing for a first date.”
“No! It looks amazing. You should. It’ll be great.”
I see Gary coming towards me, losing patience with my break now, so it’s time for me to go. That’s probably a good thing because I need to stop this conversation before, I end up saying something stupid.
“Yeah, maybe I will. I’ll have a think about it. But I will speak to you before the date and let you know what I’m going to wear. Maybe the dress, maybe something a little more suited to a first date!”
I hang up the phone quickly and wave to Gray with what I hope is a reassuring smile. I don’t want him to worry anymore because I’m utterly determined now to throw myself hundred percent into the band and give everything I have to the music.
Chapter Twelve
Angelo
“Who is that calling you?” Mandy snaps at me. “Your phone has been ringing for ages. I’m actually trying to watch this movie, you know. Can’t you just answer it or shut it off or something like that?”
I’m not picking up because it’s Wesley. The fact that I’m h
ere with Mandy tells me everything. I have decided to pick her. To ignore my brother’s needless warnings, any signs that may or may not be accurate, or anything that I might have done, and to be with Mandy. Maybe something did happen, she might have made a mistake. But I did the same as well. I have created errors that I didn’t mean to. We’re all human and these things just happen. That doesn’t mean we can’t forgive each other and move forward.
Mandy doesn’t have to talk to me about any errors just as I don’t have to speak to her about Rachel. It will just hurt ourselves for no reason. No, communication isn’t worth it. What we need to do is push it under the carpet and forget all about it. I’m happy with that decision. It means I get to keep my girlfriend.
“I’ll turn it off,” I reply in a gravelly tone. “Sorry, I didn’t realize that it was bothering you so much.”
As I lean forwards towards to table and grab my phone, I see that Mandy’s phone keeps lighting up a million times, all with the letter A starting it. This Amber – if that’s who she really is – is desperate to get hold of Mandy. But unlike the other night, she is ignoring it. She has no intention of speaking to them. That has to be a good sign. She is over the mistake, she is moving on with me, and I am willing to do the same.
“Who is it anyway?” Mandy continues. “Someone so desperate to speak with you.”
That’s ironic, not only because her phone is lit up like a damn Christmas tree but because of her privacy rules, but since I’m doing everything that I can to get over what’s happened and move on, I will forget it.
“Just Wesley. I can call him back later; it really isn’t an issue. I want to watch the movie too.”
I lean back and sling my arm around Mandy, causing her to snuggle against me. This is a position that we have been sitting in for a long time now, we have spent years here, there is something warm and comforting about the familiar sensation. I relax into it, glad of my decision. My brother will come around again. He’ll be happy for me and Mandy in the end. It might not be until our wedding day, but so be it…
Hmm, I wonder if I should bring up marriage. I know that Mandy is funny about us living together, but marriage might be something else. It might be the gate way. The idea of a big white wedding might excite Mandy and get us moving in the right direction. We can really get our future together and live the happily ever after. Finally moving in with one another, being husband and wife, having children…
I slowly move away from Mandy as a cold feeling overcomes me. That doesn’t feel right. The idea of being with Mandy for the rest of my life doesn’t give me the same sense of satisfaction that it once did. I’m not sure that I like it so much at all and I don’t know why. Perhaps I’m just not quite as over this as I thought I was.
“You okay?” Mandy asks with a smile on her face. “You seem on the edge. You need anything?”
The fact that she’s being nice and not on the edge, trying to start an argument with me, makes it much harder to decide where my head is at. When I came over here, I thought I knew what I wanted. I have assumed that I know what I want for the last few days. But now, I’m all over the place once more.
That’s a place I have been for far too long. All over the place. Ever since I first got that message. I wish that Mandy hadn’t deleted it so I could have spoken to the sender. It still annoys me I didn’t do that first.
“I just need a drink.” I rise to my feet and stagger towards the kitchen. “I need water.”
Mandy doesn’t follow me, which gives me the chance to drink in peace and also to splash some water on my face. I need to cool everything down and to sort myself out. I can’t stay here and make things right with the woman that I love when I’m feeling like this. And I am in love with Mandy… aren’t I? I have to be.
“But what if I’m not anymore?” I whisper desperately to myself. “What if that love has gone?”
I try to think back to when I last truly felt secure and in love with Mandy, like I used to in the beginning. I want to start pin pointing the moment it slipped away. But I can’t, and that’s the saddest thing. I don’t know when I stopped feeling the way that I have done for Mandy. It seems to have just slipped away.
Does that even happen? Can you just fall out of love? Has that really happened to me? I never ever suspected that I would be the sort of man to move on from Mandy. Even when people said that we were too young really to end up in a happy ever after situation. That she would be my first love but not my wife. I naively thought that I knew better. But now, I’m not so sure. Now, I don’t know what I think anymore.
“Come back,” Mandy calls from the other room. “The movie is about to get good now.”
I don’t care, I think desperately. I don’t care about any of this anymore. I just want to go out.
“I… I think I’m sick,” I spit back. “I think I might need to go home.”
“Huh? I can’t hear you. Come in here already, will you? I want to watch this with you.”
I make my way in to the front room once more, actually feeling a little ill with all of this now. I’m dizzy as hell and barely able to remain upright. I need to get out of here before I lose my damn mind.
“I don’t feel good, Mandy. I need to go home,” I rasp out. “I don’t want to make you sick too.”
“You don’t look sick,” She narrows her eyes suspiciously at me. “What’s going on?”
I shrug and dart my eyes away from hers, unable to stand the scrutinizing stare. “I don’t know, I’ve been feeling a little off all night long and it’s just hit me badly. I should go.”
“Is it the phone calls?” All of a sudden, she jumps up and flings her hands to her hips. “That wasn’t Wesley, was it? It was someone else. Another woman. And now you’re going to meet her.”
“What?” I exclaim in shock. “What the hell are you talking about?”
There’s a little very anxious part of me that worries she knows about the kiss with Rachel. As far as I’m aware, it’s only me and Rachel that know about it. No one saw us, I haven’t told anyone, and I don’t think she will either. I might have even been just been a drunken mistake to her that she wants to forget. She can’t know.
But judging by the way that Mandy’s eyes are flaring at me, it chills me to the bone.
“Angelo, you accused me of cheating on you. You have done for a long time now. Is that because you feel guilty because you have been cheating on me, huh? Is that what all of this is about? Because I really can’t figure you out at the moment. You’re up and down. All over the place. I’m struggling to speak to you.”
Is she joking? I don’t know what the hell to say to this. I’ve been trying my hardest to be open and honest, to have something of a communication with us. If not about what we’ve done, but about us, yet she hasn’t wanted that at all. Now, she’s saying that I am the one who hasn’t been speaking.
“Mandy, I don’t know what you mean. I think I have been fine speaking to you.”
“No way. Your moods are all over the place. I can’t work you out.”
I open and close my mouth a couple of times, trying to find the right words to say, but there is nothing in the world that I can think of right now. All the confusion and fear I have been feeling is intensified. Now, I’m not just all over the place, but I’m a damn puddle on the ground unable to do anything.
“Fucking hell, Angelo, are you cheating on me or not? Huh? Because I’m getting fed up here.”
“Am I cheating on you?” This is almost a joke. I have been through six months of hell. “Am I cheating on you? Mandy, I think that you might be the one with guilt, not me. Well, all I know there was a picture…”
“Urgh, that picture.” Mandy rolls her eyes hard. “I’m sick of hearing about that damn picture. Are you joking me right now? That was so damn long ago, and we dealt with it at the time. It’s over now.”
“It isn’t though. Not really. Not for me.” Wow, it feels kinda nice to be honest, even if it will spell the end of us. “I haven’t ever got
ten over it and I think that must be because we didn’t deal with it. Not really. We can’t say that we did because all that happened was you denying it then deleting the picture.”
“You wanted to keep the picture?” she sneers. “Why would you need that? It wasn’t me in it.”
“I don’t know that, do I? You never gave me a chance to find out.”
We stare at once another in silence, the air thick with tension around us, everything shifting and changing. This is the woman that I am supposed to love, that I should end up with, but it isn’t working out that way at all. I’m growing increasingly distant to her by the moment. I honestly don’t know if I can stand in the same room as her anymore. Me and her aren’t where we used to be, who we used to be. It’s awful.
“I need to go,” I announce, taking a brave step that I haven’t ever been able to do before. She’s always been the one to walk out on me and to push me away. I’m never the one to do the same. But this time, I need to. I can’t be in this situation for another second longer. It isn’t right for me at all. “I have to leave, Mandy.”
“Don’t you fuck dare.” He nostrils flare along with her temper. “Don’t you walk out on me now while we’re in the middle of having this discussion or we are done here. You hear me? You go now and I will assume that you are cheating on me. That way, I will be finished instantly.”
She’s unbelievable. For doing something that she always does, she will judge me for something that I’m pretty sure she is doing. I don’t know what to say to that. So, with a shake of my head, I walk away from her just like I had planned to do. I head towards the door, ignoring the screams of anger coming from her. Mandy has stepped over the line now, she’s pushed me too far, and I need some space. I need to just be by myself for a while and work out what way I’m going to go next.
