by Brenda Ford
Oh wow, this compliment knocks me off my feet but in a really good way. A great way actually. I can feel a heat traveling through my body as I thank her for caring enough to get to know me. If the rest of the band are like this, then I will soon be wondering what I was worrying about at all.
“Here, let me take your case,” Rachel finally says. “Let’s get it tossed on the bus.” She glances at her watch. “The other boys should be here soon, Gary has been in a meeting with management all morning, getting us organized which you will soon see is something that he likes to do a lot. And Alex…well, I don’t know where Alex is, but he should be here soon enough, and you will get to spend some time with him as well.”
I don’t miss the way that her face darkens, and it has me curious as to what Alex might be up to. But I’m definitely not in the inner circle enough to ask for any details. Maybe it will all become obvious soon enough.
“I’m here, I’m here!” A voice calls out from behind me, grabbing my attention. I turn to see another face I recognize racing towards us. Gary, it has to be. “Sorry I know that I’m late, but things over ran a bit… oh.” He smiles as he looks at me talking to Rachel. “You must be Freya. Nice to meet you.”
He shakes my hands in a very civilized manner, unlike the rock and roll greeting that I was expecting. It’s nice actually. It makes me feel much calmer and fitting into this strange crowd. I like it.
“Hi, Gary. Rachel was just telling me that you had a meeting. You must be the one who holds it all together.”
“Seems like you are too, since you’re by yourself, so I guess we have this in common.”
“That’s very true! What a good thing that we will have plenty to talk about.”
We all head on to the bus together, and I find myself analyzing these two new people in my life, wondering how I will feel about them when I finish with this tour. I’m sure that Rachel will be the one that I keep in touch with for a long time to come, for musical reasons and probably friendship as well. Gary, I might not have such a long term bond with, but I’m sure that whenever we see each other at industry events, which I hope will happen a lot, that we will be as friendly as we have been the last time we saw one another.
I know that there is still one other person to complete this mix, but I don’t mind not meeting him right away, which I would say has nothing to do with all of Linda’s jokes about him, but I don’t think that’s quite the truth. She has made me all worked up and anxious to meet this hot rock god.
“The bus is nice!” I declare once I have been shown around. “Much bigger and more luxurious than the one I had on my last tour. Do you think that’s because I’m on my own?”
“Probably!” Gary agrees. “When there is a few of you, they need to give you space, so you don’t kill each other. I’m sure that touring alone isn’t easy, but nor is touring with other people. Which you will see.”
Gary’s face darkens for a second as well, a bit like Rachel’s did when she was talking about Alex. I so desperately want to ask him if he has an issue with the lead singer and guitarist as well, but the words don’t come. I just have to remember that it isn’t my place to ask. Not yet anyway. I will just have to wait and see.
“So, are you all set up?” Rachel asks with a grin. “You don’t need any help with anything?”
“I think I might be good.” I nod along with her. “But thank you, I really appreciate it.”
“I’m here! I’m… oops. I’m here. Sorry I didn’t mean to fall then. Not my best move.”
“Oh no,” Rachel mutters underneath her breath. “That’s just perfect, that is.”
My heart stops beating. I’m pretty sure I’m starting to see what the issue is. Alex is quite clearly very drunk, it’s obvious from his voice, and since it’s only eight AM, that’s clearly an issue. I twist to see him staggering up the bus steps, barely able to keep himself upright, and disappointment crushes me. When I think about the man that I have spent endless hours watching and admiring on YouTube, loving his talent and wondering what he’s going to be like in real life, it’s a shame to see that he’s not any ordinary man but a drunkard. One with very obvious and heart breaking flaws. All the fans who must absolutely adore this man would be sad to know who he really is.
“Come on, Alex,” Gary snaps. “We really need to get going. We need to be there today…”
“Alright, woah!” Alex laughs, like this is actually funny. “No need to get your panties all in a twist. I’m here, aren’t I? I haven’t let you down by just… oops…” He lurches as if the bus is moving already, which is just tragic to watch. I have to avert my eyes because it’s just embarrassing to see. “God, right, well I’m here to get us going and you can trust me that we will have a kick ass show tonight because that’s what I do… oh, who are you?”
As I shrink under his intense gaze, I would rather be anywhere in the world but here! “Freya.”
“Freya? Who the fuck…?” He hiccups loudly. “Oh, the pop princess trying to claim our fame. Coming on tour with us because she wants to pretend that she’s all… rock and roll.” More hiccupping. “What a joke”
He crashes down on the nearest bunk bed, asleep practically right away, and I stare at him in shock. A rude drunk who doesn’t seem to care about anyone other than himself. That isn’t who I expected to meet today.
“Sorry about him,” Rachel tells me wryly. “He’s a dick when he’s drunk. To all of us.”
“Right, I see.” That actually doesn’t make me feel any better. It just suggests that Alex and his drinking followed by his rude comments, clearly about the fact that he doesn’t want me around, is something that I am going to have to content with a lot. This isn’t going to be as perfect as I first thought. “Okay.”
“Come on.” She squeezes my arm reassuringly. “Let’s get going. He’ll sleep it off and sober up. Hopefully before the show. I really don’t want him to fuck everything up for us.”
All of a sudden, I wonder what the hell Nathan has gotten me into. Does he even know? Will I cope?
Chapter Four
Alex
“I am not hung over,” I scream at Gary, my temper starting to get the better of me now. I might have a pounding head and a churning stomach, but that has absolutely nothing to do with what I’m talking about now. Anyone would feel like shit after being in various bars for forty eight hours with no rest, followed by a shitty sleep in the uncomfortable tour bus beds, but that still doesn’t affect my opinion. “Just listen to me, will you…”
“Look, Hank will be here in a moment, why don’t you discuss it with him?”
“Because Hank, our so called band manager who is supposed to have our best interests at heart isn’t exactly doing the right things. He’s the one who had the bright idea to change our image completely by bringing someone on board who isn’t going to fit in with us at all. And for what? For money? Because it sure as shit can’t be for the fans. They are going to hate it.”
“Look, Alex, I told you all about Freya coming on tour with us a while back and you didn’t care…”
“You might have given me some vague details, but I wouldn’t say you told me. I certainly didn’t come away from our meeting feeling like I knew it was going to be some bubble bitch with us. Someone who has fucking pink in her hair. I mean, what sort of image does that give when it comes to us?”
“Are you really angry about Freya? Because it seems like something else…”
“If you want to suggest that I am hung over again then I will kick some ass…”
“I didn’t actually mean that,” Gary interrupts me. “I was more thinking of the fact that she is a woman and that’s the reason you might not want her around. After… you know, everything that happened…” It makes me cringe that he feels like he needs to word it that way. It’s so embarrassing. Why not just tell it like it is and call it the fuck up of my life? “It seems like you don’t want to be around anyone. But mostly women. Like they offend you or something. Even Rachel is worried tha
t you don’t want to be in her presence anymore, which is hard.”
I’m stunned. Actually shocked into silence. Is this some kind of a sick joke? Has Gary got things so twisted in his mind that he thinks I have some vendetta against women now? What an asshole.
“If you are going to speak to me like that, then I don’t want to talk to you, Gary. I’ll wait for Hank.”
“And say what?” He shrugs, clearly stressed by me, frustrated that he isn’t getting through to me. “That you don’t like Freya being here? How will he change that now? We have our first show soon…”
“We can go on without a support act. We don’t need one. Better to have no one than some talentless bitch who doesn’t know a thing about music. Don’t you think?”
“You don’t know that she isn’t talented.” I guess Gary isn’t about to let this go despite the fact that I am clearly in the right. “You haven’t ever heard her sing. Why are you judging her already?”
I sigh and roll my eyes. “Haven’t you seen her, Gary? She’s beautiful. In the pop music industry, the ones with beauty don’t necessarily need to be able to sing good, never mind anything else. Hank probably hired her for her looks. But with us, and bands like us, fans like us for the music, for the talent. Not because of a pretty face and a nice ass.”
“Ah, Hank, thank God.” Gary looks visibly relieved not to have to deal with me anymore. Well, if he doesn’t want to hear the harsh truth then that is just tough shit. Hiding things and keeping them inside never got me anywhere so I don’t intend to continue down that route. I mean, what would have happened if I would have just told Angelo from the first moment I met Mandy that I loved her and wanted to be with her? We could be together now…
No, I scold myself angrily. Don’t start asking ‘what if?’ because it makes no difference.
“Can you talk some sense into this idiot?” Gary snaps. “He’s decided to get offended over Freya.”
“Well, you can’t get offended now,” Hank snaps with a clear disinterest. Doesn’t Gary see this? Hank doesn’t care anymore. He’s lost focus when it comes to the band. We need to get us a new manager now. “It’s too late. We’re going on stage soon for the first tour date. This is something we can talk about later.”
“We can just have no support band. That will be better than Little Miss Sugary Sweet.”
“You obviously haven’t listened to her then. She’s nothing like that at all. So, if you haven’t experienced her music, Alex, then I don’t want to hear what you have to say. This is a good thing for Freya and the band. The last thing any of us needs is you stomping all your negativity all over it. You have more important things to worry about anyway.” He eyes me suspiciously. “Like not touching another drink until you get up on stage.”
“I wish that everyone would just stop going on about my drinking like it’s a problem!” I yell. “It isn’t. In case none of you have noticed, I’ve been through a bit of a shitty time recently. So, yes, maybe I’m not one hundred percent myself at the moment. And yes, maybe I have been numbing the pain more than usual, but all you’re doing with your nagging is adding to it. Giving me something else to be upset about.”
Hank stares at me so ferociously, I fear he must be able to see right through my soul. I hope not. I don’t want anyone looking into that dark cloudy mess! “Now, you look here, Alex. None of us have been nagging you. We all recognize that you are going through some stuff that you need to work out in your own special way, and we’re doing our best to just be here for you, to support you and pick you up when times get tough, but you sure as shit aren’t making it easy. With this attitude, it’s hard for me to even talk to you.”
“Then don’t!” I explode like a pressure cooker popping off. “I’m not asking you to talk to me. I don’t want to talk to any of you either. Not about anything other than this. I’m not passionate about this talentless fame whore and her mooching off of us. I don’t want that. None of us want that. We will be tarnished with her brush…”
“And her, ours,” Hank warns. “I am of course including your shitty behavior in that. So, before you start throwing accusations involving other people, why don’t you think about yourself?”
I don’t want to think about myself. That’s why I’m in such a mess. I don’t want to consider anything in my life because it’s simply out of my control, slipping through my fingers like grains of sand and it doesn’t matter how much I try and cling on to it all, it goes regardless. I can’t hold on to any of it. My memories are vanishing, shedding into a haze of misery and booze. My romantic life is a fucking joke because I ruined the only shot of happiness that I was ever going to have. Now the band is changing into something new as well. Something that I don’t want to be a part of… which is hard for me to admit because music is my life. But how can I be a part of it when we’re delving into the manufactured pop world? I hate it. Gary won’t be on my side because he’s a stubborn fuck who just wants to argue with me for some reason. I have already observed Rachel kissing Freya’s ass like she’s something precious, which kills me. Now, Hank is against me as well. What the hell am I supposed to do? How can I crawl back from something so terrible?
“I’m out of here,” I declare, letting my disgust roll free. “It doesn’t seem like talking to you is going to get me anywhere, so what’s the point? I need to blow off some steam before the show tonight.”
“I just warned you not to drink,” Hank calls after me as I walk away. “I mean it. I don’t want to be hunting your sorry ass down before the show just to find you in a stupor. The fans have paid good money to see you.”
I pay absolutely no attention to his words as I walk away. He honestly seems to have it in his head that I’m out of control, that I don’t have a handle on what I’m drinking, which is wild. I know exactly what I’m doing, and I am also very good at drinking just the right amount so that I can put on a good performance without actually making a shit storm of things. Hank will come to understand that soon enough.
“Fucking asshole,” I growl in temper as I storm towards the nearest dive bar I can see. “What a prick.”
As I walk inside the bar, Freya’s face fills my mind, making me so damn angry. What the fuck does she even think that she’s doing here? Why is she a part of this Goddamn tour? I wouldn’t want anything to do with a tour that didn’t suit my music style at all. It’s detrimental. And what are we going to do if she is miming like most of the pop stars that I know? We can’t really accommodate that, and even if the sound department finds a way to make that happen, it will be utterly humiliating when we make it obvious by singing live. I don’t intend to mime just to suit this bitch. I don’t want to turn this around into something else. I will leave the band first.
“Hello, Sir,” the female bar tender says with a smiling voice. “What can I get you?”
“Brandy,” I bark without really meeting her eyes. “The most expensive one.”
“Oh, I know you!” she declares as she pours the drink. “You’re the guy from the band, aren’t you? The one who is playing tonight. Do you think that maybe I could take a picture with you?”
I almost snap at her that I don’t fucking want to take any pictures right now because I’m not in the mood, but then I remember that I need to prove Hank wrong. I need him to understand that I can handle things.
“Yes, of course.” I smile thinly as she points the camera towards me. I think of proving everyone wrong and allow the photo to be taken. “There we go, a photo for you… oh, what are you doing?”
She types furiously with a happiness shining in her eyes. “Posting this on social media, what do you think? Having you come in here and talking to me face to face is the most exciting thing to ever happen to me…”
“Right.” I chuck back the rest of my drink and slide a note to her before exiting the bar. She calls after me, wondering where I’m going, but she doesn’t need to know. I need another bar, a place that isn’t going to be inundated with fans wanting something from me. I want to prove
Hank wrong, but I can’t deal with lots of people all at once. I just want to quietly drink myself in to the right place before I have to go on stage… after the fucking pop princess who is going to rile up the crowds. This is for the best; the fans need me to be on the top of my game.
Chapter Five
Freya
The word ‘talentless’ stings so badly that I wanted to cry. Never mind the word ‘bitch’. Why the hell would someone that I don’t even know say that about me? I would love to be able to apply the usual blasé attitude that I take and Twitter to Alex, but hearing those words fly out of his mouth rather than seeing them on a blank emotionless screen really aches that much more. I can’t even wrap my head around them.
“Are you okay?” Rachel asks me as we sit in the green room together, just waiting to go on stage. Thankfully, it’s just me and her. The guys are still in their dressing rooms. “You seem quiet. Are you nervous?”
“Er…” To be honest, I’m so upset by everything that Alex said about me in the argument with Gary and Hank – who were both defending me, not that I can focus on their kindness – that I haven’t really thought about the show which I’m about to put on. I’m not sure if that’s good or a terrible thing. “I guess so, yes.”
“I always get nervous as well,” Rachel reassures me. “Which is silly because I’m on the drums, right at the back of the stage so no one is even looking at me. I can’t imagine how it must be for you.”
I highly doubt that no one is looking at Rachel, even if she is at the back. A stunning, cool girl like her must have all eyes upon her. I know that if I was out in the crowd, I’d be looking at her… or perhaps I would be looking at Alex because I wouldn’t know what a terrible person he is. What a rude, arrogant, drunk.
