by Brenda Ford
“Yeah, well I should be okay. I’m in the support act, not the real deal, so I won’t be on for that long. Also, most people will just be waiting for you guys to come on, so I will be fine.”
Rachel tosses her head back and laughs, a sound that is so contagious that I can’t help but join in. To be honest, I would much rather be laughing and having fun with someone who likes me rather than thinking about someone who doesn’t. Just because it isn’t something that I have had much, doesn’t mean I can’t handle it.
Perhaps once I have been up on stage and I have proven myself, things will change anyway.
“You look amazing anyway,” Rachel reassures me. “Your hair looks great and that dress is phenomenal on you. The way that it clinches in at the waist is really nice. You have a great figure.”
Her words cause me to rise to my feet over to the mirror where I check myself out one last time. This is definitely a new outfit to what I would have worn before, but I do like it a lot. I’m growing and transforming, becoming something new, someone different and better. Alex and his shitty behavior might just be an obstacle that I need to overcome to become who I’m supposed to be. The phoenix rising from the ashes.
“Right, I suppose I better go then.” I nod at Rachel. “Wait until I need to go out on stage.”
“Good luck.” She pulls me in for one last hug before I go. “Go kick some ass out there.”
I hope that’s what I can do, especially when there is such a massive crowd of people out there who I don’t know are going to like me or not. I suck in a few deep and panicked breaths, before I am called out and I step on to stage. There are cheers, that’s the first thing that I notice, there are people supporting me, so I will go with that. I will do what I usually do and focus on the positives rather than the negative that is Alex fucking Smith.
I did good. I feel freaking amazing actually as I step off the stage to the sounds of people screaming out there. I hope that I managed to turn everyone’s mind around, the ones who didn’t know me or believe in me, I hope now that they like me. I slide my eyes closed and consider at least some of those people buying my song and becoming my fan too. That would be amazing, wouldn’t it? A dream come true.
But I don’t have long to get lost in my fantasy because it’s time for Blood Red Masters to get on stage. I don’t have to watch them, but I want to. I want to see if they are as good in person as they are online. I also want to watch Alex, to see if he’s Goddamn talented enough to be calling out other people.
So, I turn and watch them from the edge of the stage, leaning against the nearest pole to watch the band come to life. And holy shit, do they come to life! Everything that I thought about them as I watched them online melts away into nothingness as I see them live. Their energy, their passion, their excitement… it’s electrifying. The crowds are sucked in to this incredible atmosphere and I find myself slipping along with it too.
“Fuck,” I whisper to myself as my whole body reacts to the music in the way that only an incredible band can do. “Fuck, Alex Smith, you asshole. You really are as good as you should be for someone insulting others.”
That actually makes me sting deeply inside. I start feeling that it’s almost worse that he is that good because he might be right in his opinion about me. If someone so talented can call me talentless, it might actually be correct. I fold my arms across my chest as the self-doubt threatens to creep through me and swallow me up whole. I really don’t need that right now. Not at this stage of my career. Perhaps what I need to do is grab Alex as soon as he gets off the stage to find out how he really feels about me. He might change his mind as we talk face to face which will allow me to regain who I am once more. If I can get rid of this tiny seed of doubt, then everything will be okay. It will…
“Alex.” I reach out to grab hold of him as he leaves the stage, needing to say everything right now before I can talk myself out of it. Admittedly, I am already freaking out, so I know that it won’t take much. “Can I…”
But even the smallest of touch almost sends him toppling downwards which stuns me to the core. He’s drunk. Again. He must have gotten drunk the moment we stepped foot off the bus. I’m stunned, I whip my hand away, afraid to be the one who sends him flying. How the hell can he be such a star on the stage, and then a complete mess when he gets off? It makes me wonder if he was drunk when I watched all the videos of him as well. That makes me incredibly sad. To know that Alex is beloved by the world and he isn’t even a real person. I mean, he must have been once upon a time, but something has happened to him that has changed him. I wonder what it was.
“After party?” he asks, his blurry eyes flickering up at me. “Is that where we’re going?”
“No.” I shake my head fervently. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. I think bed might be the best plan.”
“But I hate hotel room beds,” he groans. “They aren’t as good as my own. I can’t sleep in them.”
“Er, right.” I dart my eyes around but everyone else has vanished already. Rachel is on her cell phone and wandering towards the exit and Gary took Hank towards his dressing room. All the crew have managed to vanish as well. I can’t help but wonder if they knew that this was coming with Alex and they wanted to escape so they aren’t the one left to deal with him… and I’m stupid enough to be on my own. Naïve enough not to know this is coming. And now I’m stuck and alone. “I see. Well, I don’t think that we should stick around here, so we could go back to the hotel. I guess my bedroom probably isn’t that far away from yours…”
“We could go to the bar.” He slings his arm around my shoulder as if we’re old friends, as if he didn’t insult me earlier during the day. I can tell this isn’t because he doesn’t think I overheard either. He just doesn’t remember. There isn’t any point in confronting him right now when he’s like this. “We could have a drink.”
“Right…” I stagger a bit under his weight. “Sure, let’s see.”
I have no intention of going to the bar with him, but if it gets Alex back to the hotel then I am all for it. We walk from the venue the short distance towards the hotel, which is thankfully covered up so none of the fans would be able to see him like this. That would be so sad for Alex and for them.
“You know, not all women are bad,” he murmurs, slurring his words as he talks which is the total opposite to when he was singing not so long ago. “I keep thinking that they are, but that isn’t true, is it?”
“I… I don’t know about that.” I’m not sure where this is going as I hit the button on the elevator.
“Mandy was… was bad.” He nods a few times. “She wasn’t a good person. I don’t know why I fell for her. I don’t know why I… I….” This is followed by some incoherent mumbling, which I don’t even try to decipher as I guide him inside the elevator. “I didn’t mean to, you know? That wasn’t what I wanted to happen.”
“I see.” I dart my eyes backwards towards the bar, glad that he hasn’t noticed it. I don’t know if I would be able to keep him away from another drink while he’s in this mood. “Right, well I’m sure we all make mistakes.”
“Not like me. Not like the things that I did. I’m a terrible person.” He stares right at me, his eyes screaming out for help. This definitely isn’t the rock god up on stage, it’s the little scared boy underneath. That tugs every single one of my heart strings. “I hurt everyone. I made a really fucking… fucking mess of everything.”
“You hurt this Mandy?” Clearly, he wants to talk about it, but I don’t know how.
“No, she hurt me. She hurt me badly. She took me away from who I am.”
I gulp as the elevator pings open and we are on the right floor. I almost don’t want to leave this little room where it’s just me and him because he seems to feel safe enough to tell me things, and I want to get to know him, but I need to remember first and foremost that he’s wasted and needs some good sleep.
“Okay, come on, let us get you to bed. I think that’s for the best right now.
”
“This isn’t me,” he continues as he slings his arm over my shoulder to rely on me while we walk. It’s a shame that he’s relying on a stranger rather than his friends. Opening up to me as well. “This isn’t who I am. I’m not… well, I don’t know who I am anymore. But not this.” He slips his fingers into his pocket and pulls out his room key. “You probably think that I’m a dick because you don’t know who I am.”
He’s right, I don’t, and as I open his room and let him inside, I wonder if I ever will. It’s a shame, because it seems like there might be someone other than the rude drunk he appears, but it is what it is.
Chapter Six
Alex
“Urgh,” I moan as I turn over in this horrible uncomfortable bed. I suppose it isn’t that bad really. If I’m really honest with myself, Hank does pick us good rooms, but it isn’t my own bed and I always miss that. “Fuck.”
I blink a few times, allowing the bright morning light to infiltrate my vision. It’s white and painful, but a necessity while I figure out what I am going to do today. What I need to do today. There is bound to be something, there always is when we’re on tour. If it isn’t getting ready for a gig, it’s media stuff while we’re in each city. All an inconvenience really, especially when it gets in the way of me numbing myself and getting myself ready for the next concert. And I need to be ready. I don’t remember much of the performance last night, but I have a feeling that it went alright. I don’t recall a lecture from Hank at any rate which is a good thing.
“Are you okay?” a soft sweet voice asks beside me, making my whole body freeze in fear. I can hardly stand to turn around and to see her there beside me, so I have to force my head to twist.
There I see the familiar shock of bright blonde and pink hair. The bright piercing green eyes that dig too deeply into me. How the fuck am I here with this woman right now? How did the pop princess end up in my bed with me? I can’t believe that I have had sex with her, and I don’t even remember it. I would have assumed that I would recall my first time having sex after Mandy, but it seems not. It doesn’t matter how deeply I dig into my brain, there isn’t anything there. It’s all just a gaping black hole with nothing to fill it.
“Fuck.” I shoot backwards, finally getting some feeling back in my body, and I dart out of the bed. “Fuck. What the fuck happened here? I don’t understand… why?” I drag my fingers through my sweaty hair, desperately trying to make this a nightmare rather than something that is really happening. I can’t stand it, it’s too much.
“Woah, okay…” Freya slides out of the bed as well, clearly revealing that she is still in the clothing that she was wearing up on the stage last night. “Don’t panic. There isn’t any need to panic right now.”
I pat down my body, noting that I am fully dressed as well, but that doesn’t convince me that everything is okay. I’m more than aware that we could have had sex then got dressed. Why the hell else would she be in my bed? Women don’t get into my bed unless they are getting something from me, especially when I don’t know them. And I don’t know this woman at all. I don’t actually think I have spoken to her at all.
“Nothing happened between us,” she confirms. “I just walked you back to your room after the gig because you seemed a little… tired.” Wow, she obviously means intoxicated but she’s trying not to be a bitch about it. “So, I figured I would walk back with you since I am in this hotel as well. And… well, when we got back here you asked me to stay with you for a little bit because you didn’t want to be alone.” I cringe internally, knowing that this must be the truth. I don’t like being by myself, I know this much. “You wanted me to have a drink with you, but we didn’t get to that part. We chatted instead and then when you fell asleep, I was too worried to leave you. I know how easy it is to choke on your own vomit when you’re sleeping…”
Urgh, this is all too much for me. I don’t know how to stomach it. I don’t even want to know what I spoke to this stranger about. I can barely stand the idea of it. But that’s not as bad as the concept of Freya fearing for me. Worrying that I am going to choke to death on my vomit. My friends have given up caring about me because I’m such a mess. Even my family don’t seem to be too bothered, not that I can blame them, so why her?
“Anyway. I can go…” She backs away, heading towards the door like she’s frightened I might snap at her. “If you don’t want me around anymore. I know you probably need to recover, or whatever.”
She grabs the door knob and starts to twist it, but something stops her. She waits for just a couple of seconds, looking at me. I really feel like those eyes recognize something in me that no one else sees. That I don’t even see in myself. It’s scary. There are lots of bits of me that I don’t want seen.
“Unless you want to go down for breakfast together?” she finally offers. “The breakfast buffet is supposed to be amazing here. I guess you are more used to hotel food than I am, but I’m excited for it.”
The way that she laughs is adorable and sweet. My heart skips about ten beats at the sound, which has to be something linked to the hang over. It might be me about to puke. I haven’t quite figured that much out yet. I slip my eyes closed and do what I can to steady my breathing. The last thing that I want to do is lose my mind. I don’t know how much of myself I have shown to Freya, I sure as shit don’t want her to see more.
“I don’t think that it’s a good idea for me and you to start hanging out like we’re friends, do you?” I shoot back coldly. “Because we definitely aren’t ever going to be that. I don’t know what you think is happening here, but I want to make it clear right now that I don’t have any room for more friends.”
“I see.” Her eyes drop to the floor, but still she doesn’t leave. “I didn’t know that breakfast meant friends.”
“Well… well, I didn’t know that I need to be baby sat. But you took it upon yourself anyway.”
My breaths are falling out of my mouth raggedly now. My lungs ache with the need for air. There is something about Freya that has me off guard now, and I don’t know if it’s just because she is the first woman that I have woken up with in a very long time. It’s weird and uncomfortable, it makes me want to go back home.
“I just wanted to make sure that you were okay, that’s all. I didn’t mean to offend you.”
Her words soften my mood a little, as does the sad little look in her eyes. I don’t like lashing out all of the time, I know that I’m hurting people, but I can’t seem to stop. Yet, there is something about Freya that makes me want to say something nice to her. Perhaps it’s because she’s the last person to care about me.
At least, she is for now. I’m sure it won’t be long until I find a way to push her away as well.
“Breakfast, you say?” I ask with a cocked eyebrow, my hand resting on my stomach. “I suppose I could eat.”
“Yeah?” Her eyes light up. God, she actually wants to spend time with me. This is so weird. “Cool, let’s go.”
I watch her walk out the room and towards the elevator without even worrying about how she looks, which is refreshing. In her outfit from the night before, her hair un-brushed, and no make-up on her face, she is willing to face the world. Or the people in this hotel at least. She’s easily beautiful enough to pull it off. Even if her make-up free picture was in every magazine and newspaper tomorrow, she wouldn’t lose face at all, but it’s just crazy to see her act that way. I guess I have been so used to Mandy who always needed to look a certain way. Even if me and her could only meet and fuck in the shadows, she had to look perfect. It’s just a shame that her behavior didn’t fit in the same pattern. She doesn’t seem to think that her behavior matters at all…
Not that I’m thinking about Mandy anymore. I need to push her away from my brain and carry on. Carry on apparently going to breakfast with this woman who I don’t even know or particularly like. Then again, ever since Mandy left my life and I have been in a bit of a tail spin, I have come to expect the unexpected. Perhaps while I�
��m eating with this woman, she can fill me in with whatever the hell happened last night and maybe what I have to do today. It sure as shit beats sitting around and feeling sorry for myself anyway…
“Wow, that’s quite a musical journey.” I smile at Freya across the table as I butter some more toast. “All the way from doing performances in your living room to a big stage. It’s exciting.”
“I thought that everyone was like that!” she laughs. “Didn’t you put on little shows for your family?”
“Actually no.” All of a sudden, my face falls. “Because my parents died when I was young. Under five years old actually. So, we were raised by an uncle for a while, then my oldest brother, Brad, who was a lot older than the rest of us. It was a crazy life. I mean, there are six of us, so it was always wild and busy. I didn’t really have time to perform in front of everyone else. Also, my parents left behind a company that I assumed I would work for. I thought that I would always work for that business. I even tried really hard in school to make that happen, but it didn’t work out for me, as you can tell, so I went with my passion instead.”
She nods slowly, drinking all of this in. I wonder what she thinks about me now. If she still sees me in the same way. I definitely don’t see her as I did when I first met her. But I guess that’s because I was so shit drunk then. I didn’t even really know her, and now I do, just a little bit. I still don’t think that she fits in with us, but she isn’t the worst person in the world. I can tolerate to have her around. I will just need to ensure that she doesn’t have to pick me up off the floor again and take me to bed. I don’t want that humiliation again.
“That’s good, I am a big believer in using passion to get what you want in life.”
