by Brenda Ford
“See, you can’t even say it! You can’t even face what you have done. That’s the hardest thing for me. I have fucked up, I’m sure. I have made mistakes as well. I’m not standing here, telling you that I’m perfect, but I can face what I have done. I always face it and that’s how I make up for what I have done.”
“I know, I just…” I sigh loudly, wishing that I could be alone. And not even to drink. Just to puke.
“Fucking hell, Alex, I just want to shake you!” Gary yells. “I could tear your head off for this. Do you even know what you have done? This is supposed to be your dream coming true and you’re throwing it away…”
“Gary.” Rachel jumps in, her voice soft as she touches his shoulder to shut him up. “I think that it might be time to take it down a notch or two. I know that you aren’t happy, and you have had a lot to get off your chest, which is why I have stood here and let you yell, but I think that it might be time to calm down now. The shouting isn’t getting anyone anywhere. You keep demanding answers from Alex, then not giving him any time to answer.”
“He has nothing to say, that’s why. I am giving him a chance. He just isn’t taking it.”
Rachel gives him a cold look which silences him. She has that power over him, me too, which has helped us a lot of times in the past. She’s the glue which holds us together when the world threatens to tear us apart. But we haven’t ever had it when I am the issue before, threatening to ruin everything.
“Look, I am not happy about things either,” Rachel says once Gary has taken a step back. “I think that much is obvious. I can’t be happy about my band falling apart at the seams, but at the same time, I understand why you are in such a bad place. But I don’t want to talk about the issues that brought us here, I don’t even want to talk about the mess that we’re in because there isn’t any point. This isn’t something that can be changed. What I want to talk about is where we go from here. Let’s make some positive plans for the future, shall we?”
Her words lift a giant weight off my shoulders. One that I didn’t even realize was there. I don’t want to talk about what’s going on right now either because it’s all just a stick inescapable mess. But if we’re going to make a plan moving forward then that is something that I can get on board with.
“Okay.” I nod and half smile at Rachel. “I like that. Let’s make a plan to go along with.”
“So, what can we do to help you? Because even through all of Gary’s yelling, that is all we really want to do.”
“I… I don’t know,” I admit. “I don’t know what you can do really. This is all on me, isn’t it? I’m the one who needs to make some changes. I need to… to stop drinking.” I try to ignore Gary’s scoffing sound. “I need to be clean for the rest of the tour because otherwise I will keep making a mess.”
“Okay, so we can make sure the tour bus is clean,” Rachel agrees. “And all the back stage areas. I will also make sure that Hank informs any media places that we need to go that none of us are drinking. We certainly don’t need to make this a big deal with everyone else involved. No one has to know but us.”
She’s sweet. As if the whole world isn’t already aware from all the newspaper articles. But I take her kindness for what it is and I nod and smile. “Thank you, Rachel, that would be great.”
“And if you are ever feeling weak and wanting a drink, then just come and talk to one of us. We will find a way to help you. All we want to do is sort you out if we can. You just need to let us.”
“Okay.” I gulp, trying to swallow the thick ball that lodges itself in my throat but it remains. I am doing my best to be brave, but I can’t stop myself from panicking about the reality of not having another drink for the rest of the tour. Staying sober means that I will have to face all of the difficult I prefer to get rid of. But since I have let Rachel and Gary down enough, I owe it to them to at least try. If I just focus on the positive and believe that this will help me to get through it quicker, then I might just be able to do it. “I won’t let you down.”
Rachel beams with a giant grin and she pulls me in for a hug. A reassuring hug that shows me just how much she is going to be there for me. Gary pats me on the shoulder, but I can already see that he doesn’t trust my words. And I don’t blame him. How can I? I haven’t done anything to earn his trust. But I will. I’ll prove him wrong. I’m going to have to. If I don’t then I will lose absolutely everything in the world. The one thing that I have left.
“I will do this.” I try to convince him. “You’ll see. I will.”
“Hmmm, well I have shit to take care of.” He grabs the newspaper once more, letting me know exactly what he is talking about. He’s going to take it upon himself to work with Hank and the public relations team to calm this down… somehow. “I guess we can have another chat about this later. I hope you change my mind.”
“Don’t worry about him,” Rachel whispers as Gary storms out of the door. “He’s angry right now, but you know what he’s like. He explodes in a temper and then calms down and sees it more rationally.”
“I don’t know if he will with this one though,” I reply sadly. “I mean, this is a serious issue. Everything that he yelled at me was right. I am a fuck up and I have made a mess of things. Everything. It isn’t fair on you guys. You aren’t the ones who got yourself in to a messy situation. You didn’t get your heart broken by someone who you had no business going on in the first place. I did all of that, and now I’m not dealing with the consequences well. But I will. I’ll get my head around it all and sort my life out. I promise you.”
She nods. “I trust you. I know that you can do this. I believe in you.”
“Thank you, Rachel.” Fuck, she has just heaped a whole bunch of pressure on my shoulders, not that she meant to. Just by believing in me, it means I have to do this for her. “Thank you, I will try.”
She walks out the hotel room too, leaving me alone. I have visions of her heading down to the bar to buy every bottle in there right now, just to make me stick to what I have agreed. As if I don’t have a stash in my own suitcase that I could dive right in to at any given moment if I wanted to. Not that I’m going to. Actually, if I was going to be a great person right now, then I would grab every bottle and tip all of the liquid out to prove to myself that I’m going to stick to what I have just promised my band mates. But while I’m not going to start drinking it all, I am going to do what I said, I’m not quite ready to take that giant step just yet. I can’t.
I dart my eyes over to the cases, my mouth salivating with an impulse to break my promise already. If I don’t even try to keep it, then I can’t be blamed when it all goes wrong, can I? But then I think about Rachel’s understand face and Gary’s angry one, and I immediately change my mind. I owe it to them to try.
“Fuck,” I hiss angrily. “Fuck, I need to get out of here. I need to get out of this room.”
I leap up from my bed and race towards the door before I can do anything stupid, and I swing the door open. I jump backwards, my mouth open in shock as I see a figure on the other side of the door.
“Freya?” I ask, unsure as to what she’s doing here. Have I agreed something? Or is she here to yell at me as well? I don’t know if I can take more. “Are you okay?”
Chapter Thirteen
Freya
“Am I okay?” I almost laugh at his kind words. Why is he worried about that when he is in this pit of hell? “I’m fine, what is going on? Are you okay? I just want to see if you need any help?”
He cocks his head to one side and stares at me curiously as if he’s trying to work me out. “I’m good.”
“You know, you can be honest with me even when you haven’t had a drink? I’m not in your inner circle, which I know probably means you can’t talk to me in the way that you would people closer to you… or it might mean that you can be more honest with me.” He says nothing. Probably because I’m not making any sense. “Or we can just sit in silence. You don’t have to say anything to me. I would just ra
ther not leave you alone.”
“You know what? There are some lovely gardens here apparently. According to the flyers in the corner of the room. I really could do with getting out of this room if you want to come for a walk with me.”
I sigh with relief and nod. I’m glad that he’s willing to let me in just a little bit. “Sure, sounds good. I read the flyers as well and I have seen a rose garden that I wouldn’t mind checking out if we have a chance.”
He holds out his elbow to me and I take it. He walks me towards the elevator, and we step inside. The atmosphere is weirdly electric between us as we descend to the bottom floor of the hotel. There is definitely something sizzling and fizzing around us and through us. I’m just glad that there is another couple behind us to soak some of it up, so I don’t get totally freaked out by it. I mean, the last thing I need right now is to complicate this with any kind of feelings. Not for this man who just needs help.
“Right, let’s go outside,” Alex finally says as we step outside once more. I can hear the strain in his voice which just suggested to me that he can feel all of this too. Probably because he doesn’t seem to be drunk right now. “I think it’s this way to the gardens, come on. I need some fresh air.”
As soon as we step in to the gardens, which immediately strike me as incredibly beautiful, I’m struck by how quiet it is. It’s a lovely sunny day, I would have expected everyone to be here, but it seems to just be me and Alex. Thank goodness we’re out in the world though, not stuck in that tiny elevator where there isn’t anywhere to escape the strangeness between us. Out here, it can be absorbed in nature.
“Oh look, there are the roses!” Alex points out. “And what looks like a bench. Let’s have a seat, shall we? Enjoy this moment of calm before we have to move on to another city and it all kicks off again.”
I want to laugh at what is clearly a joke, but it’s all too raw for that. We don’t know what is going to happen when we get to the next city. It could explode in the worst way possible. So, yes, it is a good idea for me to follow him silently and to take a seat beside him near the roses. I inhale deeply and take in the smell. It’s wonderful. If I close my eyes and just feel through my senses for a moment, then everything could be perfect.
But it isn’t. It doesn’t matter how much I try to block out the world. It’s still there.
“I fucked up,” Alex says, breaking the silence for me. “I fucked up bad, didn’t I? You don’t need to sugar coat it for me because Gary sure as hell didn’t. He was rough as hell on me, so you can be too.”
This puts me on the spot. I don’t want to lie to him, but I also don’t know how honest he needs me to be.
“Look, you haven’t been your best, have you? You don’t need me to tell you that. But at the same time, it isn’t as bad as the press have been saying. The band isn’t anywhere near failure.”
“Hmm, I hope not, because I really don’t want to lose everything because of Mandy.”
As he mentions the same woman’s name once more, this time sober, everything bristles inside of me. I sit up straighter and stare right at him, begging him to continue. I need to know this whole story now and in a coherent manner. The bits that I have had up until this point haven’t made too much sense.
“Mandy, by the way, was Angelo’s girlfriend when I was sleeping with her. I know that I have told you all sorts about what I did, but since I don’t remember those conversations, I might as well fill you in.”
“Angelo?” I gasp, trying to wrap my head around that word. “Your twin brother?”
“Mhmm. Yep. I know. I’m the worst person in the world. The biggest fuck up possible. Who does that? That’s what I still can’t work out. What the hell was wrong with me when I was doing all of that?”
“You… you love her though, right?” I ask, my voice shaky with shock. “That’s why.”
“I loved her, sure.” He puts emphasis on the ‘ed’ to put his feelings in the past. Not that I’m one hundred percent sure that I believe him. “But that doesn’t excuse my behavior, does it? That’s why I won’t ever forgive myself. Because I know what I am capable of. Because I know that I am a distrust worthy shit.”
I reach across and rest my hand on top of his, unsure what else I can do. All the jigsaw pieces are now fitting together, I can see why he’s so full of self-hatred and struggling with everything. I can see why booze feels like the only relief for him. I can’t blame him for that, or anything that he’s done.
“I don’t think you need to feel that way,” I tell him softly. “I know that there isn’t anything that I can say to drag you from your pain, because only you can do that. But as an outsider who is looking at this objectively, I don’t think you can beat yourself up forever about one mistake. And it is that. None of us are perfect. We all do stupid things and accidently hurt other people in the process. But it’s how we move on from that which defines us. It’s how we make up for our errors and how we face them that is important.”
As Alex looks at me, I hope that at least some of my words are sinking in. I don’t know if they will be the words to help him, but I could do with kicking him in to action just a little bit. He needs that, he deserves that. This man is a good guy deep down, this one error made for love doesn’t define him, he just needs to stop letting it make him who he has become. One way or another, he needs to come out the other side…
I sit by my hotel window, staring out at the strange city below me, wondering what tonight will bring. I really hope that it’s good, but I can’t guarantee it. I watched Alex as much as I could as the tour bus took us from the hotel with the beautiful gardens to our new place, and I didn’t notice him drinking, but that doesn’t mean it hasn’t happened. I suppose it’s too much to assume that he will change overnight anyway.
“He’s lovely though,” I whisper quietly. “Pretty much the perfect man.”
I think about this woman that he loved so much that he risked everything for her, and I wonder if she knew what she had. A guy so totally devoted to her. A hot guy as well. A rock star. The sort of man who could have anyone in the world and he fell for her… then all she did was chuck him away.
I wish that someone would like me in that way. It’s the dream, isn’t it? To have a guy fall so hard that he worships the ground that you walk on. I know for sure that I would like that. I’d like it to be him who feels that way about me as well. Objectively, not in a way that suggests I’m catching feelings or anything, he’s a great guy to have love me. He’s the sort of man that I could, hypothetically, want to be with. Well, sober anyway.
I tilt my head back and imagine that little fantasy coming to life. Me and Alex. Sober Alex loving me like he loves this Mandy. Looking at me like I am the only woman alive on the planet. The only one who matters. In my imagination, Alex is coming towards me again and kissing me… only this time, I don’t pull away. I grab him around the back of the neck, and I drag him the rest of the way to me. As his imaginary lips connect to mine, every cell inside of my body tears apart. I become raw and vulnerable for him, and I love it.
Alex has been vulnerable in front of me, I fucking love being the same for him.
“Oh shit,” I whisper as the fluttering at my core suddenly becomes overwhelming. It’s almost as if I have been building myself up, thrilling myself and gearing up for desire for ages, and only now that I’m accepting it, it flies free. It needs release, it’s insane. Without thinking much about it, I slip my eager fingers in to my panties and I graze my hand over my clit. My hypersensitive nub that it pretty much on fire. “Fucking hell, Alex.”
I practically feel him peeling my clothing off, piece by piece, tickling over every inch of my skin as it becomes naked for him. I feel his soulful eyes all over me, drinking me in with desire and excitement as he imagines what it will be like to be with me, just as I am him. Just as always have been since I first met him, if I’m truthful.
My fingers plunge deep into me, and I picture it as him, fucking me with his own hand. Little whimpers f
ly out of my throat as I replace his hand in my mind with his thick, throbbing cock. I just know that this sexy as fuck rock star knows exactly what he’s doing with a woman’s body, and that’s what I consider as he fills me up.
“Fuck, Alex, you are…” I continue delving my fingers in to me, using my thumb to trace patterns over my clit, all the while imagining that it’s him. If I can’t have him in real life, then I can really explore his body here. “You are too much. You are everything. I want… I want you so bad…”
The pressure of pleasure builds. I stiffen as it takes over me, pushing me towards the knife edge of desire. But I keep on massaging myself at the same time, just as I imagine Alex would. He doesn’t seem like the sort of man who would make me wait for that pleasure. He would make me feel it over and over again, orgasms rolling over me until my body is spent and I can’t move anymore. I’m just his.
“Fuck, Alex!” I scream as I buck and writhe, the orgasm rolling over me in waves. “Alex, oh my God.”
I imagine him taking me in every position, fucking me in every way imaginable, sending my body to heaven over and over until I can’t take it anymore. I live every inch of it, and it’s incredible. If only things could be different, and this could be real instead of just in my head.
If only…
Chapter Fourteen
Alex
Shit, she’s good! I think to myself in amazement as I lean against the side of the stage, watching Freya out there singing. With only the buzz of a couple of secret beers in my system, just to keep me going, this is the first time I can actually remember watching her sing and I’m blown away. She’s definitely not the pop princess I assumed she was when she first joined us on tour, she’s actually really cool and talented.
“She’s great, isn’t she?” Rachel asks as she stands close beside me and smiles. “I just love her. After watching her on that first night that she was on tour with her, I immediately bought her album for my cell phone. Both of them actually. But the first one isn’t really her; you can tell. It’s good, you can still tell that she has an incredible talent, but these songs are much more the artist that she has always wanted to become.”
