After Life

by Jacquie Underdown

  Zoe nodded. “Never-ending. He knows it was an accident. And he can’t find peace until you know that too. That’s how much he cares. He’s not willing to leave you until he knows you’re okay.”

  A long, anguished cry sounded from Theron, his shoulders shook, the motion vibrating through Zoe’s body. “How did I ever deserve him? I just wish we had more time together ...” Tears strangled his words until they were barely audible.

  “You can’t control that.”

  “No. I can’t. I know that. I’ve learned that. But I still wish for it.”

  Barkley, eyes locked on Theron’s, said, “Tell him about when we woke up really early and stayed out in the living room until Christmas morning hoping to see Santa.”

  Zoe relayed Barkley’s story. Theron laughed through his tears. “I’d forgotten about that.”

  “And when you broke your arm, and Barkley drew that picture of a penis on the cast, and you got in trouble at school for it.”

  Theron fully laughed now. “Yeah, he was such a shithead sometimes.”

  Memory after memory, Zoe talked about the sweetest times Theron and Barkley shared.

  The hours crept by and even she was laughing at the anecdotes—all precious moments they were lucky enough to experience together: school holidays spent fishing and looking for crabs along the banks of the river that flowed through the back of the property they grew up on; nights whispering funny stories to each other as they resisted drifting off to sleep; birthdays; swimming after school; and riding their bikes over homemade dirt jumps.

  Clearly, they gave all of themselves to each other and shared an immutable love, as most siblings did.

  ◆◆◆

  Birds sang songs of morning. The light worked through Zoe’s eyelids, and she woke to heat curling around her body.

  Heat from Theron.

  She sat up, rubbed her eyes, and ran fingers through her hair to relieve the knots. Her gaze lingered on Theron’s enormous frame. His breathing was relaxed as he lingered in sleep. The deep depths of her core tugged and spread warmth lower. No denying how sexy this guy was.

  His eyelids fluttered, then opened. He smiled and stretched his arms over his head. His biceps tensed and bulged. Again her belly deliciously pulled. “Good morning.”

  “Good morning. How are you feeling?” she asked.

  He smiled briefly and nodded. “Strangely lighter.”

  “I’m glad.”

  He sat up quickly, looking around. “Barkley’s still here?”

  Zoe spotted him standing in the corner of the room. “Yep.”

  “I dreamed about him last night.”

  “Yeah?”

  “We were both boys again, talking in our bedroom like we used to. But his voice was so grown up. He told me to live my life—the life he…” Theron cleared his throat as emotion rushed in, “he never got to live.” He tensed a smile. “I owe him that much.”

  Zoe smiled. She peered at Barkley who was smiling too. “That makes him happy.”

  “Yeah, me too.”

  Barkley appeared in front of her, and she gasped. Not because she was still scared of him, but that he moved so quickly and unexpectedly, it caught her off guard.

  “You can take me now,” he said.

  She shook her head. Two lines of tensions formed between her brows. “Where?”

  He held his hand out. “You can take me now.”

  She glanced at the small pale hand stretched out to her, lurched to her feet and staggered a step back. Talking was one thing but touching was another. What were the implications of that?

  Zoe faced Theron, who was watching her with wide eyes. “What does he want?”

  “He’s saying I can take him now.”

  Theron’s lips trembled, eyes watered. “He’s going now?”

  She assumed that’s what he meant, but she didn’t understand any of this. Going where? Why did she have to take him? Her stomach churned. “I…guess so.”

  A tear rolled down Theron’s cheek. “I love you, Barkley.”

  Barkley faced his brother and smiled. “I love you too, Theron.”

  Then he took Zoe’s hand and all the lights faded.

  Chapter 11

  “No, don’t worry, she’s waking up,” came Theron’s urgent voice through the darkness.

  Zoe felt her head, certain it was spinning, but on closer inspection, it was still.

  Where am I?

  The soft give of a mattress was beneath her, along with Theron’s arm under her upper back. His scent was exciting and enticing in her nostrils.

  Her eyelids fluttered open. Theron was leaning over her, watching her with his concerned green gaze. So close.

  Her attention wandered to his lips, and the impression of them pressed hot and hard against hers imprinted in her mind.

  She wanted him closer and inhaled deeply, expanding her chest so he could be.

  “She’s awake.”

  Zoe peered toward the door when she heard Asher’s voice. She had a mobile in her hand.

  “I’m awake,” Zoe said, her words blurred around the edges.

  “You’re awake,” Theron said.

  Zoe smiled and nodded. “I think we’ve established that.”

  Asher laughed. “Well, she’s got her bitch back, so she must be all right.”

  Zoe pressed up onto her elbows, not willing to take it further while her head reeled and rocked. “What happened?”

  “You fainted. I only just caught you in time.”

  She shook her head. “I fainted?” She tried to clear her mind to remember. She was standing beside the bed when… “Barkley took my hand. It all went black.”

  “Who’s Barkley?” Asher asked, stepping into the room.

  Theron raised his head. “My brother.”

  Asher nodded, then her eyes shot wide open. “Oh. Your brother brother?”

  Theron frowned down at Zoe. “I take it you told Asher?”

  Wincing, Zoe said, “I’m sorry. I needed to talk to someone. But Asher’s totally cool about it, aren’t you?”

  Asher came closer and rested her hand on Theron’s shoulder. “Totally fine. I live and breathe for this type of stuff.”

  Theron’s nose wrinkled, his lips twisted. He shrugged off Asher’s hand. “This is not some trivial stuff you can get all excited about.”

  Throwing her hands up in surrender, Asher stepped backward three paces. “I get it. There are emotions involved. It’s real life. I was merely attempting to ease your mind, so you know I’m not going to freak out and spill my guts to the entire school.”

  Theron didn’t look up at Asher, instead helped ease Zoe into sitting position. “How’re you feeling?”

  Zoe pressed her hand to her forehead and closed her eyes for a few moments. “A little woozy but okay.”

  “You worried me,” he said.

  “And me,” Asher said.

  Zoe smiled. It warmed her heart knowing that there were people, other than her immediate family, who cared for her wellbeing. Two wonderful friends who knew all about her circumstances and still had the courage to stay in the same room with her.

  “Thanks, guys, but I’m okay.”

  “So is he…” Theron trailed off.

  But Zoe knew what it was he couldn’t say. “It’s over.”

  Theron squeezed the bridge of his nose between his thumb and finger and blew out a deep shuddering breath. He was fighting back emotion probably because Asher was in the room.

  “That’s good.” He remained with his eyes closed for a moment then raised his head to look at Zoe. His features were softer, his eyes clearer somehow. “Thank you.”

  “It’s okay.”

  Theron shook his head. “Thank you so much. You don’t realise what you’ve done for me. You’ve allowed Barkley to move on. I’m…” his voiced cracked and his face twisted. “I’m grateful.”

  Zoe placed her hand on his. “I’m glad I could help.” And she, despite her initial reluctance, was truly happy she could he
lp Theron in this way.

  Asher ran fingers through her thick liquorice hair. “I might go… coffee. I’m going to put coffee on.” Asher left, shutting the door quietly behind her.

  “What do you think happened?” Theron asked.

  “I’m not sure. It’s like it’s a subtle taste on the tip of my tongue, but I can’t find it.”

  “But, it’s the end of it?”

  “Yeah, I think it is.”

  “I feel lighter.”

  Zoe grinned. “I’m just glad Barkley can finally rest now.”

  Slanting his brows, Theron asked, “Do you think that’s what he’s doing? Resting?”

  “I hope so. He deserves that.” She squeezed his hand. “I hope you can find peace now, too.”

  He nodded and looked away. “Me too.”

  ◆◆◆

  To recognise how much stress and emotional pain someone had been holding was to see them when it was no longer there.

  Zoe knew the memory of Theron’s brother and how he died would always be fresh in Theron’s mind and heart, but the impact of that memory on his wellbeing had diminished. She could see it all over his smiling features and lively eyes.

  A light had been switched on. The brightness was noticeable in the way he walked, the tone of his voice and the set of his shoulders.

  She broke into a smile as she watched Theron stride into the room their form class met in each morning.

  “Good morning,” he said as he sat down beside her.

  “Good morning. You look…great.” And he did. Fantastic actually, dressed in denim jeans that clung to his arse, and a black T-shirt that cuddled his arms, so his muscles were even more noticeable.

  “Thank you. And you always look great.” He caught her gaze, an intense look, but she couldn’t hold it. Her cheeks warmed, and she wanted to hide them with her hands because she was certain they were pink and completely visible.

  “Been sleeping better?” he asked, grinning now.

  “If you mean have I had a full night with no gruesome interruptions, then yes. Much better.”

  He nodded. “Good to know. Hey, there’s a party this Saturday. Should be some fun. Do you want to go with me?”

  She blinked.

  The little incident that occurred in the library hadn’t been entirely forgotten about yet, and she wondered what type of reaction she’d receive in such a setting.

  Also, she was reluctant to socialise with Rhianna and Daniel, whom she presumed would also be going to this party.

  But on the other hand, she wasn’t going to be able to avoid all social occasions for the entire year; it was probably best to get it over and done with early, so, at least, it looked like she wasn’t hiding, which she most definitely was inclined to do.

  Zoe swallowed hard. “I might have something on this Saturday.”

  He smiled and slowly nodded. “Okay, just let me know either way.” And she melted under his knowing green gaze. He was gorgeous and totally worth the effort. So why was she holding back? She shouldn’t be, not with him.

  Zoe played with the end of her ponytail. “No, you know what, I’m pretty sure Saturday’s free.”

  A broad smile spread across his face. “Good.”

  ◆◆◆

  Theron went ahead to his next class in the building opposite where Zoe needed to be.

  Heading into the foyer, Zoe gasped when she almost ran into Rhianna, who was waiting just inside the door for her.

  “What do you want?” Zoe asked, unable to mask the bitter edge in her tone.

  Rhianna frowned. “I deserved that.”

  Zoe checked her watch. She didn’t have time for this.

  “Theron told me how much you helped him out,” Rhianna said.

  Zoe crossed her arms over her chest. “And?”

  “Daniel and I can see positive changes in him.” Rhianna lowered her head and grinned sheepishly. “I guess, what I’m trying to say is thank you for being there for him.” She met Zoe’s suspicious gaze. “And…and that I’m sorry for being such a bitch.”

  Zoe’s eyes widened. She answered slowly, “Um. Okay.”

  “I thought I’d apologise and let you know how I feel.”

  Zoe frowned but managed a nod. Was there some ulterior motive she wasn’t yet aware of but was about to bite her in the arse big time?

  “We’re all going to a party on Saturday night. You’re welcome to come if you like.”

  “Theron already invited me,” Zoe said, glancing again at her watch.

  “Okay, great. I’ll see you there. I better let you get to class.” Rhianna gave a tight wave, a quick smile, and strode away.

  Did that just happen?

  ◆◆◆

  Zoe made it to her next class late and not without a disappointed glare from her teacher. On top of that, she could barely concentrate during the hour-long lesson. Her conversation with Rhianna continued to bounce through her mind.

  She alternated between trusting Rhianna’s apology and doubting every word that came out of her mouth.

  The painful side-effect was that she now had to catch up on a mountain of study. So, after class, Zoe didn’t hang around school. She convinced herself that leaving hastily had nothing to do with avoiding the library or as many of the other students as possible, and everything to do with being a good student.

  But on her way to the dormitory, she received the phone call that would change everything.

  “Hi, honey.”

  “Dad. Hi.” There was silence. Background noise. Crying? Zoe’s heart rate accelerated. “Dad? What’s going on?”

  “I’ve got some bad news, honey.”

  Her heart was a bass drum. The blood rushed from her head, leaving a tinny hum in her ears. “What? What is it?”

  A deep sigh, followed by the whispered words, “Nan passed away.”

  Zoe stopped walking. Her world grew silent. Nothing else existed but a tempest of grief that swirled and saturated her mind. It swallowed her ability to speak, to think, to function as a normal human being.

  Gripping at her chest, she released a long, low hiss as though a bowling ball had barrelled into her stomach.

  She had never before experienced the death of a loved one and wasn’t prepared for the pain, which penetrated so deep it felt like it was strangling her heart.

  So this was the pain Theron had felt.

  “Zoe, are you there?” came Dad’s voice through the phone

  Zoe shook her head. “I’m here. I’m….” she swallowed, forcing away the relentless compression of her throat. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

  “Me too. I’m sorry too.”

  “When did she…” Zoe couldn’t pluck the word die from the silence and allow it voice. Not now the word meant so much.

  “Just this last hour. It was so sudden,” Dad whispered.

  “So sudden. It doesn’t feel real. What happened?”

  “She was old, Zoe. Her body decided it was time to give up.”

  Zoe looked around at the school grounds, people dashing, laughing and talking. “No-one has stopped. They should stop.”

  “The world keeps soldiering on. They don’t know Nan.”

  Zoe shook her head. The tightness in her throat amplified the harder she resisted the tears that were forming a thick film over her eyes. If she blinked, the film would pool and rush down her cheeks. She didn’t want that. It would mean all this was real.

  Zoe swallowed again, tried to draw breath in through her aching throat. “What can I do?”

  “The funeral. We’d like you back for the funeral. Go ahead and book a flight for Thursday, I’ll call the headmistress to let her know you’ll need a few days off.”

  Zoe ended the call and stared at the screen of her phone. Without thinking, she scrolled through her contacts until she found the person she wanted.

  Theron.

  For Theron to be her first thought at a time like this was perplexing, yet telling because she didn’t realise her emotions had escalated. She
typed a message.

  ZOE: My Dad just rang me. It was bad news. My Nan died today.

  A message came back quickly.

  THERON: I’m so sorry. ☹ Where are you?

  ZOE: Heading to the dorm.

  THERON: Give me five minutes. I’ll meet you near the foyer.

  ZOE: You don’t have to do that.

  THERON: I want to. See you soon.

  She shoved the phone in her backpack and strode toward the dorm. She sat on the end of the seat resting against the side wall of the building and hung her head in her hands. A noisy parade of students dashed past.

  Theron arrived.

  Zoe looked up at his towering frame, meeting his sympathetic gaze.

  He held out his arms. She stood.

  When she hesitated, he reached for her hips and pulled her to him until momentum had her in his embrace. She wrapped her arms around his big, warm body and lay her head on his chest.

  She cried so hard then that she didn’t know if she would ever stop.

  Chapter 12

  Zoe jogged through the terminal, past the myriad of milling people, toward her mother.

  “Mum,” she said, voice trembling, and wrapped her arms around her, breathed in her familiar scent—soap and faint lavender. Her mum’s warm embrace felt like home. “I’m so sorry about Nan,” she sobbed into Mum’s neck.

  “I know. I know. Me too. It’s lovely to have you home for a few days, though.”

  Zoe leaned back and smiled a watery smile. “I just wish this didn’t have to be the reason for me coming home.”

  Mum nodded. “I know.”

  “How’s Dad?”

  “He’s talking to the funeral director with Aunt Peggy.” Mum slung an arm across Zoe’s shoulders, and they started to the luggage carousel. “He’s terribly sad, but he understands it’s the way of things.”

  Zoe shook her head, unable to comprehend how anyone could accept that death was the way of things.

  To Zoe, death was invasive, mean, and utterly heartbreaking.

  When they arrived at the house, Zoe’s brothers were already home from school, sitting on the couch in the living room. They were younger than her, but they each stood a head taller.