“Forgiveness is not something that I have ever considered,” he replied, already feeling himself rebel against it. “But I can see now that it is required of me. I will discover the truth about Lord Islington’s attack and prove my innocence so that you will have no reason to distrust me any longer, Miss Truwin. I have been honest with you now and have told you everything that has gone on before and my intentions behind it.”
She nodded, then looked away.
“Might you walk with me tomorrow?” he asked tentatively, feeling a surge of hope climb up his chest. “The park, mayhap?”
“No.” She turned to him again, her chin lifting a notch. “You and I shall visit Lord Islington together, Lord Bastien, with Lady Landerbelt, of course. And not tomorrow but the day after that. I need some time to consider all that has been said.”
Resisting the urge to throw the idea away at once and steeling himself to accept, Jasper could only nod, accepting her suggestion regardless of his own feelings on the matter.
“Very good,” Lady Landerbelt said briskly. “We shall meet you at his residence tomorrow afternoon then. I must take Miss Truwin home now, Lord Bastien. Until tomorrow.”
“Until tomorrow,” he murmured, watching Miss Truwin leave and feeling an ache within his heart that grew steadily with every step she took. He had hurt her grievously, he knew, and that brought a sting of shame to his heart.
“But I shall make it right,” he told himself aloud, determined to do whatever he had to in order to make it so. “And I shall devote myself to her, even though I am entirely unworthy of her kindness.” Shaking his head, Jasper sat back down in his chair and rested his head back. Whatever was to happen now, he had to let go of his hope for revenge. Too much had taken place, too much had occurred now, for him to be able to cling onto it any longer.
He had to step away from the darkness altogether and leave it completely behind him. There was nothing else he could do.
7
The visit to Lord Islington was not going well. Lady Landerbelt had told her previously that the doctor had thought Lord Islington would be well enough to converse with them in a day or two, and so they had come to enquire as to how the gentleman fared. Having been expecting them, Lord Islington’s butler had welcomed them in but had immediately asked them to wait in the parlor whilst he consulted with the doctor.
Lady Landerbelt had enquired as to how Lord Islington did, only for the butler to look grave and shake his head before exiting the room. That had sent a slight chill through Andrea’s heart, for she now feared that there might be something truly worrisome about Lord Islington’s current state. She had hoped that he would be on the path to recovery, but mayhap she had been too eager with her expectations.
Looking across from her, Andrea took in the hunched figure of Lord Bastien. They had been apart for two days, two days where they had not seen each other, and still her mind had not lifted from him for more than a moment. She had barely been able to sleep due to her whirling thoughts, her realization that she was to marry a gentleman she did not truly know.
But you are already beginning to understand him better, are you not? said a quiet voice within. He has made himself entirely vulnerable so that you might understand him completely.
That, Andrea had to admit, was quite true. There was nothing that Lord Bastien had held from her. He had been honest with her, even though it had cut her deeply to hear that his intentions had not been genuine. And yet, there was still a faint hope in her heart. A hope that she dared not give voice to but that was there, nonetheless. It had come the moment Lord Bastien had admitted that he thought of her in a way that he would not even allow himself to admit to. Given the state of distress and sorrow that he was in, Andrea found herself believing that he had done nothing to Lord Islington other than attempt to keep her from him. But he had still to prove it before she could trust him entirely. There had to still be another name given, to prove that he had not been the one speaking to Lord Islington that night.
She shuddered for a moment as memories of that night came to mind. Lord Islington she had not seen, but her mind did not hide her imaginings from her. She could see him now, lying face down in the grass with blood pouring from a wound in his side. Had he been conscious when Lord Bastien had found him? Had he been clinging to life, fearing that he would be lost forever the darkness? Her heart hurt for him – but there was no deep pain that she would be gone from his side. They would not court, there would be no engagement or marriage to follow – and she did not feel any sadness over that. Whilst she had enjoyed Lord Islington’s company, Andrea knew full well that she had never felt anything akin to what she felt for Lord Bastien. It had not gone from her heart and seemingly never would, even though Lord Bastien was not the gentleman she had first thought him to be.
A faint heat touched her face as she thought of what she had said to Lord Bastien only two days ago. She had told him of her affections, had told him how she had long had her heart engaged to him only and how she could not seem to remove him from her thoughts. She did not know why she had told him of that, but it had seemed to be the right thing to do.
Was there any chance of their happiness together? Could they find a way through these storm clouds to a brighter, warmer day? Or would they forever be asunder, set apart by difficulties and whispers from the past?
“Lord Islington wishes to speak to you, Lord Bastien.”
Andrea lifted her head at once, pulled from her thoughts by the return of the butler.
“Only you,” the butler said, with a small, apologetic smile towards Andrea. “He is very weak, my lord, and the doctor does not wish him to speak to anyone, but he is most insistent.”
Andrea watched as Lord Bastien rose to his feet at once, his face a little pale. “But of course,” he said, hurrying towards the door. “At once.” He did not give either Andrea or Lady Landerbelt a backward glance but moved swiftly through, clearly desperate to hear whatever Lord Islington had to say.
“My dear girl,” Lady Landerbelt said gently, the moment Lord Bastien had quit the room. “How do you fare, my dear? You appear greatly sorrowful, and I am sorry for it.”
Andrea tried to smile but failed miserably. “I am struggling with all that I feel,” she admitted quietly. “I am struggling to know whether I will ever be able to find that forgiveness that is required to push away what has occurred.”
“He will prove his innocence to you, I am quite certain,” Lady Landerbelt said gently. “You need have no fear about that.”
Andrea shook her head. “He treated me as though I were nothing,” she said softly, her heart aching. “How can I trust him again?”
Lady Landerbelt nodded in understanding. “It will take time,” she agreed. “Recall the conversations you had with him last Season. Remember the times you spent in his company and how much you enjoyed it.” She sat forward in her chair. “Not everything he said to you was a lie or a pretense, Miss Truwin. Consider that.”
Andrea made to say that she would do precisely that, no matter how difficult she found it, when the sound of footsteps approaching had both ladies rising and turning expectantly towards the door.
Lord Bastien was there in a moment, his face flushed and his eyes a little wider than before. Andrea resisted the urge to run to him, to grasp him about the arms and beg to know what the difficulty was, seeing his handsome face tormented by something truly terrible.
“Lord Islington apologized to me,” he whispered, leaning forward and putting one hand on the back of the chair as though he needed additional support to simply remain standing. “And was to tell me the person responsible but…” Closing his eyes tightly, he turned his head, his jaw clenched. “He faded back to unconsciousness. The doctor says that he requires a good deal more rest and may yet succumb.”
Andrea drew in a sharp breath, tension winding through her.
“I am sorry he is still so unwell,” Lady Landerbelt said, with infinite gentleness. “But I am glad that he spoke to you with wha
t you needed to hear from him, Lord Bastien.”
Lord Bastien’s jaw tightened all the more, leaving him white lipped. Andrea could almost see the struggle going on within him, could almost hear the screaming from both sides of his heart. One wanted to forgive Lord Islington, to accept his apologies and move forward, whilst the other wanted to cling to his need for revenge, for retribution. He had carried it for so long that now, he did not know how to rid himself of it.
“He said nothing about who had struck him?” she asked, taking a few steps forward and putting one hand on Lord Bastien’s arm, seeing how something jumped in his eyes as he looked at her, feeling the same familiar rush of heat and delight as he settled his other hand atop hers. “Not a word?”
Lord Bastien let out a long breath. “He whispered something about family, but I cannot make sense of it,” he replied heavily. “Lord Islington has no family to speak of. His younger brother died in infancy, and both his parents are gone.”
“A cousin then?”
Lord Bastien’s lips twisted. “I could not say,” he replied, dropping his hand. “But nevertheless, we should depart. There is no need to remain here. Lord Islington will not be seeing anyone for the next few days, and the doctor has orders to ensure I am notified the minute that anything changes.” He managed a small smile in her direction, which Andrea accepted gladly. “Thank you for being here with me, Miss Truwin.”
Not wanting to remind him that it had been her suggestion that they attend Lord Islington, Andrea merely smiled in response, accepted his arm, and walked from the room with Lady Landerbelt behind. There was nothing but silence within the house, a thick, oppressive silence that had her wanting to look over her shoulder, as though danger might be lurking within.
“I cannot understand it,” Lord Bastien muttered, as they walked from the front door and towards the carriage. “Family? It means nothing.”
Andrea hesitated, standing by Lady Landerbelt’s carriage and knowing that they were meant, at this point, to part ways. And yet there were something about Lord Bastien’s expression that made her feel for him, made her heart fill with compassion despite all that he had done.
“Shall we take a short walk in the park?” she asked, seeing his puzzled expression clear, only to be replaced with one of astonishment. “I know you suggested it some days ago and I refused, but given that our visit has not been a lengthy one, I did wonder if–”
“Delighted!” Lord Bastien exclaimed, his eyes rounding. “Utterly delighted, Miss Truwin. It would be an honor to walk with you.”
She could not help but smile at him, seeing just how he appeared almost overawed at her suggestion. “Shall we take your carriage?” she asked, as Lady Landerbelt came to join them. “That is, if you are quite content to accompany us, Lady Landerbelt?”
Lady Landerbelt smiled contentedly. “But of course,” she said, saving Andrea the embarrassment of being refused. “I should be glad to.”
Lord Bastien turned back towards her, a broad smile on his face. “If you would like to come with me, Miss Truwin, then I shall help you into the carriage.”
One hour later, Andrea was walking by Lord Bastien, her hand on his arm and a slow sense of contentment washing over her. Lord Islington was not mentioned and nor was he on her mind. Instead, she was considering her future with Lord Bastien, wondering whether or not they might, in fact, find a happiness that she had never dared hope for before. She knew that Lord Bastien was determined to clear his name, to prove to her that he had not had anything to do with Lord Islington’s attack, but given what she had seen of him today, she believed fully that he had not done anything of the sort. And, somehow, she began to understand the sorrow that he must have felt over Lord Islington’s betrayal – although to seek revenge in such a fashion had been quite wrong.
Perhaps it was a very good thing indeed that he had been unable to do as he had hoped. As it now stood, she was uninjured and now engaged to the man she had come to care for, and he was prevented from doing something that might have ended up giving him more torture, not less.
“You must think me very cruel.”
Lord Bastien’s soft voice captured her attention, making her turn to look at him. He had not turned his head towards her but rather looked straight ahead, although there was a sadness about his expression that could not be hidden.
“Cruel, Lord Bastien?” she repeated, half willing him to look at her but seeing him continue to stare at the path ahead. “Why should I think that?”
He did not answer for a moment, and the air seemed to grow heavier between them, weighed down with tension and emotions as yet unspoken.
“After what I have done,” he replied eventually, a long breath escaping him. “It has been a very short time, I know, but such as been the darkness of the occurrence and the horror of it that it has been a heavy, sharp shock that has crashed over me and forced me to consider my actions.” Throwing her the smallest of glances, Andrea noticed how his lips thinned, as though he were filled with distaste for no one but himself. “I have acted unfairly and with a lack of discernment. My desire for revenge has pushed me to act in a way that was both selfish and cruel. I did not once think of you and what would occur thereafter. I clung to my revenge and my desire for it with as much strength as I could instead of leaving it to the past.”
Andrea was surprised at his honesty and grew a little embarrassed, for this was more than she had ever expected.
“I did not ever pause to think about Lady Cecily,” he continued, before she could even consider what sort of remark she could make. “It was only when I returned to London, when I saw you and sought you out again as I did last year, that I began to realize just what I had been setting aside.”
“And what was that?” she asked gently, aware that she needed to be very careful with every word she said. Under her hand, his arm tightened, betraying the tension that was running through him.
“I realized,” he said slowly, “that I did not ever lay a single modicum of responsibility at Lady Cecily’s feet. I believed that Lord Islington took the entirety of the blame, that if he had not gone to seek out Lady Cecily, then she might never have given another gentleman more than a single glance.” Sighing heavily, he looked at her, his dark blue eyes haunted like the storm clouds gathering on the horizon. “I considered her an angel, a beautiful spirit who was snatched from me. I did not ever allow myself to consider that she held some responsibility also. And that, Miss Truwin, was where I went badly wrong.”
“I see,” Andrea murmured, blinking in surprise. “But I can understand your strength of feeling if you really cared for her.” A flush of heat crept up her spine, and she turned her head away. “I can understand how an affection can allow one to regard another in a certain way.”
Lord Bastien let out a quick breath and gave her hand a gentle pat before removing it again. “You are much too kind, Miss Truwin. You ought to be running far from me; you ought to be crying off and ensuring that I have the blame entirely, and instead, here you are, walking beside me and showing me such consideration that I am left feeling all the more unworthy of you.”
Andrea looked at him steadily, ignoring the way her heart quickened at the gentle touch of his hand. “You loved her very much, I think.”
“Did I?” He came to a sudden stop, rounding on her, his face filled with torment. “Did I truly care for Lady Cecily, Miss Truwin, or did I only see what I wanted to be there? I thought her perfection itself, but I can see now that such a thought only made me blind. My feelings had no depth to them, for I only thought of her beauty and nothing more. Her character was, I think, a little weak. She liked to be flattered, liked to be noticed and regarded by many.” A swift shake of his head had him turning his face away from hers again, his expression now one of anger. “And as for myself, I should have accepted her decision without question. Instead, I blamed Lord Islington entirely and chose to bring down consequences upon his head – which I ought never to have done.”
“Well, at th
e very least, I am glad that you have given your behavior so much consideration,” Andrea interrupted, seeing how he looked back at her again, his brow furrowed. “Lord Bastien, I will not pretend that I am not glad of your willingness to reflect on your own actions, but I must also inform you that I do not believe that you had anything to do with the attack on Lord Islington.” She held his gaze steadily, seeing how his eyes flickered. “Your behavior thereafter has proved it to me.”
Lord Bastien nodded slowly and did not look away. He held her gaze as he took a small step closer, closing the gap between them and making Andrea’s heart flutter violently. Her breath hitched as he took her hand in his, clearly oblivious to the other gentlemen and ladies who walked in the park and, indeed, to Lady Landerbelt, who was conversing with a friend only a short distance away.
“I do not think I shall ever deserve you, Miss Truwin,” Lord Bastien said gently, gazing down into her eyes with such intensity in his eyes that she felt her heart fill with that same, strong affection that had been there all along, dampened by the events of the last few days but now beginning to reveal itself in all its fullness once more. “I should be punished for what I have done, not given such a wonderful gift as you.” His head dropped. “I say that I do not think I ever truly loved Lady Cecily, Miss Truwin, because I cannot see any similarities between what I feel for you and what I once felt for her. I know you. I know your character, I know your heart, I know your sharp wit, your conversation, and your kindness.” Slowly, his eyes lifted to hers, swirling with deep, unspoken emotions of which she was only just beginning to get a glimpse. “In short, Miss Truwin, now that I have finally allowed my heart to feel all that it wishes, now that I have allowed my mind to consider things as they truly are, I can see that my feelings for Lady Cecily did not have any depth. They are nothing compared to what I now feel for you.” Reaching out, he grasped her hand again, holding it gently but flooding her with heat as he did so. “You say that you believe that I am not guilty of the attack on Lord Islington – and for that, I am deeply grateful, Miss Truwin, but I must wonder if you will ever be able to believe me when I tell you of my heart.” His head lowered just a little, making Andrea’s breath hitch, her whole body tingling with a sense of expectation. “And I shall still prove myself to you regardless, Miss Truwin, so that you know I am a gentleman of my word. A gentleman who has seen his behavior for what it truly was and determines to change his ways for the better – and all thanks to you, my dear lady.” A small smile tugged at the corner of his lips, the light in his eyes flaring brighter as she looked up at him.
Regency Engagements Box Set Page 44
