A Guest at the Ludlow, and Other Stories

by Bill Nye

  A SCAMPER THROUGH THE PARK

  XIX

  Last week Colonel Bill Root, formerly Duke of Council Bluffs, paid me avisit, and as I desired to show him Central Park, I took him toFifty-Eighth street and hired a carriage, my own team being at mycountry place. I also engaged the services of a dark-eyed historicalstudent, who is said to know more about Central Park than any other manin New York, having driven through it, as he has, for years. He was aplain, sad man, with a mustache which was mostly whiskers. He dressedcarelessly in a neglige suit of neutral-tinted clothes, including a pairof trousers which seemed to fit him in that shy and reluctant mannerwhich characterized the fit of the late lamented Jumbo's clothes afterhe had been indifferently taxidermed.

  Colonel Root and I called him "Governor," and thereby secured knowledgewhich could not be obtained from books. Colonel Root is himself nokindergarten savant, being the author and discoverer of a method ofbreaking up a sitting-hen by first calling her away from her deep-seatedpassion, tying a red-flannel rag around her leg, and then still furtherturning her attention from her wild yearning to hatch out a flock ofsuburban villas by sitting on a white front-door knob. This he does bydeftly inserting the hen into a joint of stove-pipe and then cementingboth ends of the same. Colonel Root is also the discoverer of a cipherwhich shows that Julius Caesar's dying words were: "Et tu Brute. Verilythe tail goeth with the hide."

  After a while the driver paused. Colonel Root asked him why he tarried.

  "I wanted to call your attention," said the Governor, "to the Casino, aplace where you can provide for the inner man or any other man. You canhere secure soft-shell crabs, boiled lobster, low-neck clams, Hamburgersteaks, chicken salad, miscellaneous soups, lobster salad withmachine-oil on it, Neapolitan ice-cream, Santa Cruz rum, CincinnatiSec, pie, tooth-picks, and finger-bowls."

  _Said the Governor as he swung around with his feet overin our part of the carriage and asked me for a light_ (Page 181)]

  "How far does the waiter have to go to get these things cooked?"inquired Colonel Root, looking at his valuable watch.

  "That," said the Governor, as he swung around with his feet over in ourpart of the carriage and asked me for a light, "depends on how youapproach him. If you slip a half dollar up his coat-sleeve without hisknowledge he will get your twenty-five cent meal cooked somewhere nearby, but otherwise I have known him to go away and come back with grayside-whiskers and cobwebs on the pie instead of the wine."

  We went in and told the proprietor to see that our driver had what hewanted. He did not want much, aside from a whisky sour, a plate ofterrapin, a pint of Mr. Pommery's secretary's beverage, and a bakedduck. We had a little calves' liver and custard pie. Then we visitedCleopatra's Needle.

  "And who in creation was Cleopatra?" asked Colonel Root.

  "Cleopatra," said the driver, "was a goodlooking Queen of Egypt. Shewas eighteen years old when her father left the throne, as it wasscrewed down to the dais, and died. He left the kingdom to Cleopatra, inpartnership with Ptolemy, her brother. Ptolemy, in 51 B. C., deprivedher of the throne, leaving Cleopatra nothing but the tidy. She appealedto Julius Caesar, who hired a man to embalm Ptolemy, and restored Egyptto his sister, who was as likely a girl as Julius had ever met with. Sheaccompanied him to Rome in 46 B. C., and remained there a couple ofyears. When Caesar was assassinated by a delegation of Roman tax-payerswho desired a change, Cleopatra went back and began to reign over Egyptagain. She also attracted the attention of Antony. He thought so much ofher that he would frequently stay away from a battle and deny himselfthe joys of being split open with a dull stab-knife in order to hangaround home and hold Cleopatra's hand, and, though she was a widowpractically, she was the Amelie Rives style of widow, and he said thatit had to be an all-fired good battle that could make him put on hisiron ulster and fight all day on the salary he was getting. She pizenedherself thirty years before Christ, at the age of thirty-nine years,rather than ride around Rome in a gingham dress as a captive ofAugustus. She died right in haying time, and Augustus said he'd rutherof lost the best horse in Rome. This is her needle. It was brought toNew York mostly by water, and looks well here in the park. She was saidto be as likely a queen as ever jerked a sceptre over Egypt or any otherplace. Everybody that saw her reign said that the country never had amagneticker queen."

  As we rode swiftly along, the slight, girlish figure of a middle-agedwoman might have been seen striving hurriedly to cross the driveway. Shescreamed and beckoned to a park policeman, who rushed leisurely in andcaught her by the arm, rescuing her from the cruel feet of our madchargers, and then led her to a seat. As we paused to ask the policemanif the lady had been injured, he came up to the side of the carriage andwhispered to me behind his hand: "That woman I have rescued betweenthirty and forty times this year, and it is only the first of July.Every pleasant day she comes here to be rescued. One day, when businesswas a little dull and we didn't have any teams on the drive, and timeseemed to hang heavy on her hands, she told me her sad history. Beforeshe was eighteen years of age she had been disappointed in love andprevented from marrying her heart's choice, owing to the fact that theidea of the union did not occur to him. He was not, in fact, a unionman. Time passed on, from time to time, glad spring, and bobolinks, andlight underwear succeeded stern winter, frost, and heavy flannels, andyet he cometh not, she sayed. No one had ever caught her in his greatstrong arms in a quick embrace that seemed to scrunch her whole being.Summer came and went. The dews on the upland succeeded the frost on thepumpkin. The grand ratification of the partridge ushered in the wail ofthe turtle dove and the brief plunk of the muskrat in the gloaming. Andyet no man had ever dast to come right out and pay attention to her orkeep company with her. She had an emotional nature that just seemed toget up on its hind feet and pant for recognition and love. She couldhave almost loved a well-to-do man who had, perhaps, sinned a few times,but even the tough and erring went elsewhere to repent. One day she cameto town to do some trading. She had priced seven dollars and fiftycents' worth of goods, and was just crossing Broadway to price somemore, when the gay equipage of a wealthy humorist, with silver chains onthe neck-yoke and foam-flecks acrost the bosom of the nighhoss, came plunging down the street.

  "The red nostrils of the spirited brutes were above her. Their hotbreath scorched the back of her neck and swayed the red-flannelpompon on her bonnet. Every one on Broadway held hisbreath, with the exception of a man on the front stoop of the CastorHouse, whose breath had got beyond his control. Every one was horrifiedand turned away with a shudder, which rattled the telegraph wires fortwo blocks.

  "Just then a strong, brave policeman rushed in and knocked down bothhorses and the driver, together with his salary. He caught the woman upas though she had been no more than a feather's weight. He bore her awayto the post-office pavement, where it is still the custom to carrypeople who are run over and mangled. He then sought to put her down,but, like a bad oyster, she would not be put down. She still clung abouthis neck, like the old party who got acquainted with Sinbad the Sailor,though, of course, in a different manner. It took quite a while to shakeher off. The next day she came back and was almost killed at the samecrossing. It went on that way until the policeman had his beat changedto another part of town. Finally, she came up here to get her summerrescuing done. I do it when it falls to my lot, but my heart is not inthe work. Sometimes the horrible thought comes over me that I may be toolate. Several times I have tried to be too late, but I haven't the heartto do it."

  He then walked to a sparrow that refused to keep off the grass andbrained it with his club.