A Guest at the Ludlow, and Other Stories

by Bill Nye

  HOW TO PICK OUT A BIRTHPLACE

  XXII

  Every American youth has been told repeatedly by his parents and histeachers that he must be a good boy and an exemplary young man in orderto become the president of the United States. There is nothing new inthis statement, and I do not print it because I regard it in the lightof a "scoop." But I desire to go a trifle further, and call theattention of the American youth to the fact that he must begin at a muchearlier date to prepare himself for the presidency than has beengenerally taught. He must not only acquire all the knowledge withinreach, and guard his moral character night and day through life, or atleast up to the time of his election, but he must be a self-made man,and he should also use the utmost care and discretion in the selectionof his birthplace.

  A boy may thoughtlessly select the wrong state, or even a foreigncountry, as the site for his birthplace, and then the most exemplarylife will not avail him. But hardest of all, perhaps, for one whoaspires to the highest office within the gift of the people, is theselection of a house in which to be born. For this reason I haveselected a few specimen birthplaces for the guidance of those who may beignorant of the points which should be possessed by a birthplace.

  Take, for instance, the residence of Andrew Jackson. No one has everretained a stronger hold upon the tendrils of the Democratic heart thanAndrew Jackson. His name appears more frequently to-day in papers forwhich he never subscribed than that of any other president who haspassed away.

  Andrew Jackson was a poor boy, whose father was a farm laborer and diedbefore Andrew's birth, thus leaving the boy perfectly free to choose thesite of his birthplace.

  He did not care much about books, but felt confident at the start thathe had chosen a good place to be born at, and therefore could not bedefeated in his race for the presidency. Here in this house A. Jacksonfirst saw the light, and here his excellency sent up his firstDemocratic whoop. Here, on the back stoop, was where he was sentsorrowing at night to wash his chapped feet with soft soap before hismother would allow him to go to bed. Here Andrew turned the grindstonein the shed, while a large, heavy neighbor got on and rode for an houror two. Here the future president sprouted potatoes in the dark andnoisome cellar, while other boys, who cared nothing for the presidency,drowned out woodchucks and sucked eggs in open defiance of the pulpitand press of the country.

  _Here Andrew turned the grindstone in the shed, while alarge, heavy neighbor got on and rode for an hour or two_ (Page 210)]

  And yet, what a quiet, peaceful, unostentatious home, with its littlewindows opening out upon the snow in winter and upon bare ground insummer. How peaceful it looks! Who would believe that up in the darkcorner of the gable end it harbors a large iron-gray hornets' nest withbrocaded hornets in it? And still it is so quiet that, on hot summerafternoons, while the bees are buzzing around the petunias and theregular breathing of the sandy-colored shoat in the back lot shows thatall nature is hushed and drugged into a deep and oppressive repose, theold hen, lulled into a sense of false security, walks into the "settingroom," eats the seeds out of several everlasting flowers, samples a fewvarnished acorns on an ornamental photograph frame in the corner, andthen goes out to the kitchen, where she steps into the dough that is setbehind the stove to raise.

  Here in this quiet home, far from the enervating pousse cafe and carteblanche, where he had pork rind tied on the outside of his neck for sorethroat, and where pepper, New Orleans molasses and vinegar, togetherwith other groceries calculated to discourage illness, were put inside,he laid the foundation of his future greatness.

  Later on, the fever of ambition came upon him, and he taught schoolwhere the big girls snickered at him and the big boys went so far awayat noon that they couldn't hear the bell and were glad of it, and cameback an hour late with water in both ears and crawfish in their pockets.

  After that he learned to be a saddler, fought in the Revolutionary War,afterward writing it up for the papers in a graphic way, showing how ithappened that most everybody was killed but himself.

  Here the reader is given an excellent view of the birthplace ofPresident Lincoln.

  The artist has very wisely left out of the picture several people whosought to hand themselves down to posterity by being photographed invarious careless attitudes in the foreground.

  In this house Mr. Lincoln determined to establish for himself abirthplace and to remain for eight years afterwards. In fancy, thereader can see little Abraham running about the humble cot, preceded byhis pale, straw-colored Kentucky dog, or perhaps standing in "thebranch," with the soothing mud squirting gently up between his dimpledtoes.

  Here a great heart first learned to beat in unison with all humanity.Late one night, after the janitor had retired, he pulled thelatch-string of this humble place and asked if the proprietor objectedto children. Learning that he did not, the little emancipator depositedon the desk a small parcel consisting of several rectangular cottongarments done up in a shawl-strap, and asked for a room with a bath.

  Our next illustration shows the birthplace of President Garfield. He wasborn plainly at Orange, Cuyahoga county, Ohio. Here he spent hischildhood in preparing for the presidency, lying on his stomach forhours by the light of a pine-knot, studying all about the tariff, andascertaining how many would remain if William had seven apples and gavethree to Henry and two to Jane. He soon afterward went to work on acanal as boatswain of a mule. It was here he learned that profanitycould be carried to excess. He very early found that by coupling themule to the boat by the use of a cistern pole, instead of coming intodirect contact with the accursed yet buoyant end of the animal, he couldbring with him a better record to the class-meeting than otherwise. Hethen taught school, and was beloved by all as a tutor. Many of hispupils grew up to be ornaments to society, and said they had never seentuting that could equal that of their old tutor.

  Mr. Garfield availed himself of the above birthplace on the 19th ofNovember, A. D. 1831. He then utilized it as a residence.

  Here we are given a fine view of the birthplace of President Cleveland.It is a plain structure, containing windows through which those who areinside may look out, while those who are on the outside may readily lookin.

  Under this roof the idea first came to Mr. Cleveland that some day hemight fill the presidential chair to overflowing. If the reader will goaround to the door of the shed on the other side of the house, he willsee little Grover just coming out and wiping his mouth with the back ofhis hand.

  On the door of the barn can be seen the following legend, scratched onits surface with a nail:

  "I druther be born lucky than blong to a nold Ristocratic fambly.

  S. G. C."

  Here we have an excellent view of Mr. Harrison's birthplace from themain road. It hardly seems possible that a man who now lives in a largehouse, with a spare room to it, gas in all parts of it, and wool carpetson the floor, should have once lived in such a plain structure as this.It shows that America is the place for the poor boy. Here he can rise toa great height by his own powers. Little did Bennie think at one timethat people would some day come from all quarters of the United Statesto see him and take him kindly by the hand and say that they were wellacquainted with his folks when they were poor.

  These various birthplaces prove to us what style is best calculated fora presidential candidate. They demonstrate that poverty is no drawback,and that frequently it is a good stimulant for the right kind of a boy.I once knew a poor boy whose clothes did not fit him very well when hewas little, and now that he is grown up it is the same way.

  That poor boy was myself. But I can not close this research withoutsaying that the boys alone can not claim the glory in America. The girlsare entitled to recognition.

  Permit me, therefore, to present the birthplace of Belva A. Lockwood. Ido not speak of it because I desire to treat the matter lightly, but tocall attention to little Belva's sagacity in selecting the same style ofbirthplace as that chosen by other
presidential candidates. She verytruly said in the course of a conversation with the writer: "My theoryas to the selection of a birthplace is, first be sure you are right andthen go ahead."

  We should learn from all the above that a humble origin does not preventa successful career. Had Abraham Lincoln been wealthy, he would havebeen taught, perhaps, a style of elocution and gesture that would havetaken first rate at a parlor entertainment, and yet he might never havemade his Gettysburg speech. While he was president he never looked athis own hard hands and knotted knuckles that he was not reminded of histoiling neighbors, whose honest sweat and loyal blood had made thismighty republic a source of glory and not of shame forever.

  So, in the future, whether it be a Grover, a Benjamin, or a Belva, maythe President of the United States be ever ready to remove the cottonfrom his ears at the first cry of the oppressed and deserving poor.