Delightfully Twisted Tales: The Future of Future Planning (Volume Nine)

by Nicky Drayden

  Like what kind of issues? Well, for one, if this flesh-based container happens to “escape” from our “storage facility,” and happens to strategically involve itself in various aspects of your life, well, we can’t rightly be held responsible for that, now can we? Yes, I didn’t think so.

  Unfortunately, our backup process is quite expensive, but many folks have been able to successfully take a loan from their 401ks to fund the process, or have taken out a home equity line of credit, or sold their cars and other valuable assets. Most often, all of the above. But think of your golden years, spent doing the things you’d always thought there was time to do... What’s that worth to you?

  Of course, this likely means you will need to work for several more decades to pay the loans off. You’re in no shape for that right now, but I sense a “miraculous recovery” in your near future, do I not? Perfect. I’ll get a nurse in here to do a blood draw and get started on the process.

  I’d love to stay and chat, but I’m afraid I’m already late for my other job, and I can’t afford to lose that one. The commissions here are excellent, but I’ve got bills to pay, debts to work off, and nothing but years of health in front of me. You know, if I’m lucky and stick to a modest budget, I’ll be able to retire for a second time when I’m a hundred and twenty three, and this time, I swear I’ll get the chance to enjoy it.

 

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  EARTH'S DESTRUCTION, A CROWDFUNDING CAMPAIGN

  BY NICKY DRAYDEN

  First Published by Daily Science Fiction, 2014

  Project: Earth’s Destruction

  Share via: Facebook | Twitter | Embed

  Backers: 34,453

  Pledged: $652,323,765

  Days to Go: 27

  $1000 minimum pledge

  Goal: 85 Billion US Dollars (Approx. 54.4 million Gragzoikian Dollars)

  This project will only be funded if at least $85,000,000,000 is pledged by Wednesday Nov 20, 11:51am EST.

  Greetings puny Earthlings! I am creating this crowdfunding project on behalf of Our Benevolent Overlord Gragrag. His suckerflesh is prickling in anticipation of leveling your cities and boiling your seas. It will be glorious, I can assure you! However, the journey from our planet has taken us many, many years, and along the course we have encountered several financial setbacks, and now we are experiencing a bit of a monetary shortfall. Taking over your planet will be much more expensive than we anticipated, but we can assure you that world domination can proceed smoothly if this project receives proper funding.

  So please give to Our Benevolent Overlord Gragrag’s campaign! If you are one of those who has squandered all of your money, sucked in by consumerism, hoping that your purchases will bring meaning to your insignificant lives--there is no hope for you. But if you are one who has saved and invested for your future, now is the time to cash out and reap the following rewards that the Great Tentacled One will bestow upon you for your generosity!

  Rewards:

  $1000 Pledge:  A thank you note from Our Benevolent Overlord Gragrag Himself, tattooed on your forehead using His very own ink.

  $5000 Pledge: A thank you note from Our Benevolent Overlord Gragrag, plus a guarantee that your life will be spared in the initial attack.

  $25,000 Pledge: All of the above, plus a t-shirt with “I survived the initial Gragzoikian attack and all I got was this t-shirt and an anal probe” printed on the front. 100% American cotton. Sizes XL and XXL only. (Sorry!)

  $50,000 Pledge: All of the above, plus a limited edition DVD of video footage of the attack, directed by Wes Anderson and scored by Hans Zimmer. (Limited: 45,034 out of 50,000 left)

  $100,000 Pledge: A trip to the Gragzoikian mothership and dinner with Our Benevolent Overlord Gragrag. (All travel expenses to be paid by you.)

  $1 Million Pledge: The above trip and dinner, with a guarantee that you will not be the main course.

  $5 Million Pledge: Watch the invasion live and from the comfort of your own pod aboard the Gragzoikian mothership. Adult beverages will be served. Tentacle massages will be available at a small hourly rate.

  Stretch Goals:

  If we raise $150 Billion, we will be able to forgo our original “Scorched Earth”  plan in favor of a more environmentally sensitive, species-targeted invasion, that will have no long-term effects on the Earth (with the exception of human eradication, of course). We will also be able to offer four hours of bonus DVD footage, including  “The Making Of Earth’s Destruction” and an extensive blooper reel.

  Risks and Challenges:

  Our Benevolent Overlord Gragrag has never led an actual planet-wide invasion Himself, but as an Overlord-in-Training, He assisted in three successful on-site takeovers and several via long-range death ray. He is well aware of the immense coordinated effort that goes into a project of this scope and the expected and unexpected expenses involved, but is hopeful that Earth’s Destruction will prove to be a spectacular success, as He is truly passionate about this project and loves the work He does.

  Please donate today!

 

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  NOTE TO THE READER:

  If you have enjoyed these stories and

  would like to see more of my work,

  please visit me at:

  https://www.nickydrayden.com

  ALSO AVAILABLE

  Delightfully Twisted Tales: Volume One – Close Encounters of the Worst Kind

  Delightfully Twisted Tales: Volume Two – Fire, Fangs and Brimstone

  Delightfully Twisted Tales: Volume Three – The Weirdos Next Door

  Delightfully Twisted Tales: Volume Four – Wisps, Spells and Faerie Tales

  Delightfully Twisted Tales: Volume Five – Love and Other Filthy Habits

  Delightfully Twisted Tales: Volume Six – Family Antimatters

  Delightfully Twisted Tales: Volume Seven – The Wide, Wide World of Weird

  Delightfully Twisted Tales: Volume Eight – The Worst of Both Worlds

  Delightfully Twisted Tales: Volume Nine – The Future of Future Planning

  and more soon to come!