A Soldier's Prayer--A Fresh-Start Family Romance

by Jenna Mindel

Glancing at the woodstove, she rubbed her arms. The fire had burned down to nothing. No use starting a new one, as she’d probably fall asleep on the couch if she had to wait up for the flames to die down before going to bed.

  She looked at the clock in the kitchen. It was only ten, so surely Cash would stay up for a little while yet.

  She heard giggles and the snap of a towel from the boys’ room, along with Cash’s voice teasing them.

  Maybe just a small fire.

  Opening the woodstove door, she stuffed the thinnest kindling inside until it caught from the meager coals inside. Once the flames flared to life, she threw in the smallest logs from the wood box and stared as the flames shimmied and grew brighter.

  “We’re ready,” Cash called out.

  “Be right there.” She closed and locked the woodstove door, reveling in the heat for a moment.

  Entering the boys’ room, she smiled. Ethan was curled up on the top bunk. Owen had the bottom. “You guys look pretty snug.”

  “Snug as two bugs.” Ethan grinned.

  “Let’s pray and then lights out.” Cash took Ethan’s hand and offered her his other one.

  Monica gladly took it, enjoying the feel of tough calluses on his palm. Cash had strong hands. He was a strong man. He didn’t shy away from his nephews’ grief or trying to help them through it. She reached for Owen’s hand, bowed her head and waited for Cash to pray.

  His words were simple, requesting a good night’s sleep for all of them and peace in the coming days.

  Peace.

  Monica could use a whole lot of that. She wasn’t at peace with her diagnosis, her treatment options or her deepening feelings for Cash. Everything seemed jumbled together and she couldn’t see how any of it would turn out good.

  “Amen,” Cash whispered.

  “Amen,” Ethan said.

  Owen merely nodded.

  “Good night.” Monica gave each boy a soft tap to the nose. “See you in the morning.”

  Cash followed her, leaving the door open only a crack. “Thanks.”

  “For what?”

  “For being you.” He passed her and headed for the living room. “You made up a fire. Nice.”

  It was blazing now, bringing a cheery glow to the dark room. The only other light shone from over the stove in the kitchen, where she’d clicked it on after they’d come in.

  She followed him even though she should say good-night and head for the loft.

  He opened the woodstove door and threw in another log, a bigger one. One that would take a while to burn down. “You know, that day I took the boys out for ice cream, I prayed for help. I needed it.”

  Monica slipped onto the couch, tucking her still-cold-and-bare feet underneath her. “This is a good thing you’re doing, bringing the boys here, talking to them honestly about their dad.”

  Cash closed the woodstove and sat down next to her. “It wasn’t but a few minutes after that prayer that I saw your car parked in the driveway. God answered me with you.”

  Her stomach flipped, but she kept her voice even, hoping Cash didn’t see what this was doing to her. Falling for those boys. Falling for him. “Glad I could help. They’re sweet.”

  “What if there’s more to it than that, more than just them? What if that downed tree was a way to keep you here?”

  Monica laughed. “Are you saying that I wasn’t supposed to leave?”

  “Maybe not yet. What’s going on with you, Monica? Maybe I can help you like you’ve helped me.”

  She stared into his earnest gray eyes, wishing he could help her, but there was nothing Cash could do. She cupped his cheek. “Thanks, but some things a person has to work through on their own.”

  He leaned into her palm and turned to place a brief kiss on the inside of her wrist. “What kinds of things?”

  Monica should pull her hand back, but Cash was making her head spin.

  He curled his other arm around her waist and drew her even closer.

  “Cash, we’re not kids anymore.” She braced her free hand against his chest, ready to push him back, but feeling the strong beats of his heart, she stalled.

  Would kissing him again after all these years be different or the same? It might be like coming home after a long absence, and that’s what worried her. Cash felt a whole lot like her one and only, but falling in love wouldn’t do either of them any good.

  “So?” His voice was dangerously low and sweet.

  “So?” She glared at him. Nothing had changed for them and yet everything had changed. “So, you don’t want any distractions.”

  “Maybe I’m rethinking that.”

  Monica’s heart skipped with hope.

  She shouldn’t get her hopes up, but she could barely breathe, let alone respond as she watched his dear face move closer.

  She closed her eyes even though she knew better. She didn’t stop him from settling his lips on hers even though she knew she should. Even though there could be no happy ending for them, she wanted this. What harm could there be in having just one more kiss to treasure, one more to savor?

  He kissed her softly, tentatively at first, holding back as if wrestling with his doubts.

  Monica wrestled with hers, too. She wanted this moment too much to let doubt steal a special memory from her. Throwing caution to the wind, she deepened the kiss.

  Cash tightened his hold and responded with an intensity that sent her heart racing. One kiss blurred into another and another. Each one better than the one before.

  And then suddenly, he pulled back.

  “Cash?” she whispered.

  He sat back and ran his hand through his hair. “Look, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”

  “Why—” Her voice, a mere whisper, broke. The rest of her words were stuck in her throat.

  He stood, looking tense and full of regret. “Good night, Monica.”

  She nodded. There was really nothing more to say.

  They had teetered close to a place that could ruin a good friendship and he’d pulled them back to safety.

  Only she didn’t feel so safe with her heart exposed. Sadness threatened to crush her because she wanted a life with Cash.

  But a life spent with Cash would be far from safe with him going into harm’s way. It was beyond unfair to saddle him with her health situation after he’d just lost his brother. She couldn’t send him back to his company worried about her, so she vowed not to tell him about the cancer.

  Not now.

  Maybe not ever.

  Chapter Ten

  The next morning, Cash lay in bed staring at the ceiling. The relationship between him and Monica might as well have been a hurricane that blew in from the Atlantic, destroying everything in its path. She’d cut a swath of longing to make a real home and family with her that would be hard to shake, even after he left.

  He’d been curious to see if a simple kiss would have the same impact as it did all those years ago. Not only had it been a bad move on his part, but he’d messed up big time by apologizing. One thing had remained the same—there was nothing simple about his feelings for her.

  Kissing Monica once might not have been wise, but kissing her again and again had been stupid. He’d never forget the look on her face after he’d abruptly pulled away from her. She’d appeared hurt and disappointed, and so tempting that he’d had to bolt fast. Saying he was sorry had only made matters worse.

  It had been a big fat crock, too. He wasn’t sorry for kissing her. He was sorry for not being the kind of man she deserved. The kind who’d always be around.

  He got up, hit the head and then made his bed in usual tight marine style. Padding out of his room, he froze when he saw Monica in the kitchen quietly making coffee. Her hair hung long and loose, and his fingers twitched to dive in and grab handfuls of the silky strands. She wore an oversize sweat
er that he guessed she’d pulled out of one of the closets. It was way too big to be hers.

  He finally made his presence known. “You’re up early.”

  She turned, startled. Her face flushed a pretty pink and then she quickly looked away, scooping ground coffee into a filter. “Morning.”

  Great. Just great. Things were awkward between them now. What else did he expect? He walked to the sliding glass door and looked out. The sun hadn’t yet risen, but the eastern sky was brightening and the ground showed patches of light frost. “It got cold overnight.”

  “Yes, it did.” Her voice sounded too soft.

  Cash closed his eyes and mentally kicked himself a hundred times over. He hoped the cold overnight temps didn’t slow down the tree service guys. “I’ll get a fire going.”

  “Would you like breakfast?”

  He headed for the woodstove without looking at her. “Not yet.”

  The coffee maker gurgled and hissed.

  He could smell the luscious brew and even that didn’t help dispel his regret. He knew better than to tell a woman he was sorry for kissing her. Especially this woman. He knew Monica well enough to understand she’d taken his act of self-restraint as something wrong with her.

  There was nothing wrong with her. She was perfect. He, on the other hand, had baggage that should stay packed. “Monica, about last night...”

  “Don’t.” She held up her hand as she slipped into a chair near the woodstove. “It’s okay. I get it.”

  Did she? “What do you get?”

  She glared at him. “You want me to spell it out?”

  “Yeah. I do.”

  She cocked a perfectly shaped eyebrow. “You don’t want an emotional encumbrance and I don’t want to be... I don’t want a military life.”

  She didn’t want to be the wife of a Raider. He couldn’t say that he blamed her. She grew up with a father who had retired from a lifelong career in the army and her oldest brother had been an army captain before he’d gotten out. She knew what to expect and what he’d expect of her—to buck up and take it when he left.

  He gave her a crooked grin and tried to lighten the moment. “So, you don’t want me.”

  Her eyes grew wide and then she laughed. “That’s right, Cash. I don’t want you.”

  He loved her laugh, even though her eyes told him the exact opposite. He’d be better off not looking into those brilliant blues of hers, so he focused on building a fire.

  When he finally heard the last hiss announcing that coffee was ready, he still didn’t stop snapping kindling even as Monica passed by him.

  He clenched his jaw as the scent of her swirled around him like one of those smoke fingers from a cartoon enticing him to move closer, only to get burned.

  Stuffing a couple small logs on top of the twigs, he struck a long match and lit the wood, waiting for it to catch. It wasn’t a long wait. The snap and crackle and smell of burning wood soothed, somewhat.

  “Here.” Monica handed him a mug of black coffee, then took a seat near the woodstove. This morning she wore socks. Slouchy looking things that pooled around her slender ankles.

  “Thanks.” He shut the woodstove door and stood, sipping his coffee. “It’s good.”

  “Thanks.”

  He sat on the couch and took another sip. He’d miss this. He’d miss her. More than he’d ever thought possible.

  They didn’t say anything more as they drank their coffee and stared at the flames through the thick glass door of the woodstove. Cash hoped the boys would soon get up, so they’d have some kind of buffer that might return them to normal.

  After last night, he wasn’t sure they’d ever return to normal. They’d crossed into perilous territory and there might be no going back.

  * * *

  Monica finished her coffee and looked up as a yawning Owen entered the family room. Ethan wasn’t far behind. “Morning, fellas.”

  “Morning.” Ethan threw himself on the couch.

  She grinned at them both, glad they were up. “I don’t know about you guys, but I’m hungry for breakfast.”

  “Me, too!” Ethan fist pumped the air.

  Owen reached for her as she headed for the kitchen.

  Monica bent down and hugged him. When she straightened, her gaze slammed into Cash, who was watching her.

  He gave her a nod and quickly looked away. Grabbing the poker, he made like he was busy stoking the fire.

  Why did she keep doing that? Looking for him and at him as if she couldn’t get enough of him? She couldn’t help that she’d fallen in love with Cash Miller over this weekend. She’d known him a long time, knew he was a man of integrity and strong faith. What she hadn’t known was how wonderful he was with his nephews and that she could trust him. Really trust him. He was a man she could lean on, that’s for sure.

  Could she trust him with her cancer news? She knew she could, but didn’t know if she should. It was beyond tempting to unload her fears, but she didn’t want to send him off with worries that might get in the way of his safe return back home. She gripped the side of the sink at the very idea of Cash getting hurt because of her.

  It was better to leave it alone. And leave the idea of them as a couple alone, too. It’d be too hard to make it work when they both faced uncertainty. Last night might have been amazing, but it was terrifying at the same time. She’d never experienced with anyone else what she’d felt with Cash.

  “What are you going to make?” Ethan slipped onto the stool on the other side of the island.

  Monica turned and smiled. “How about eggs and bacon and potatoes.”

  Ethan looked skeptical. “Potatoes?”

  Monica laughed. The boy was obviously thinking the mashed variety. “Fried, you know, like hash browns.”

  “Oh.”

  Potatoes were her go-to comfort food and Monica needed all the comfort she could get, especially when she didn’t know how long she’d be stuck here. If she could, she’d snag a side-by-side and drive it all the way home.

  After breakfast, of course.

  “Want some help?” Cash moved in.

  The kitchen was open concept, but the lane between the appliances and the island was tight. He’d get in her way. They might even bump into each other—“Sure.”

  Monica reached into the bottom crisper of the fridge and pulled out a small of bag of potatoes she’d brought. She plopped it in front of Cash. “Peel these.”

  He looked at her.

  “Please.” She smiled, not realizing how sharp she’d sounded.

  It wasn’t his fault she loved him. Okay, maybe it was, especially after last night. Monica would never forget the feel of his lips on hers—testing and tasting. Then there was the reverent way he’d threaded his fingers through her hair, grabbing hold of it as if trying its strength, only to then kiss the strands as if they were spun gold.

  Her stomach twisted. She’d lose her hair. She might lose even more. How would Cash take all that? Would he look at her the same way? Or would it be different? What if he was repulsed by her scarred body?

  What if she was?

  Tears burned at the corners of her eyes.

  She reached into the fridge again, grappling with her emotions, glad that Ethan and Owen were helping Cash. He’d found two peelers for them while he used a paring knife. The chore was perfect for keeping all three males busy, especially one male. She didn’t want Cash noticing her heightened sense of sorrow.

  She grabbed the eggs and a bowl and cracked them hard.

  Please, Lord...

  She didn’t know what to pray anymore. She just wanted to go home, meet with the doctors and get it all over and done with.

  She felt a hand cup her elbow and looked up.

  Cash.

  He gave her a long, searching look.

  She wanted to look away but c
ouldn’t. She’d miss his face, even whiskered. Maybe especially with the scraggly beard that made him look even more rugged. Holding her breath, she simply stared.

  “Bacon?”

  She furrowed her brow and breathed in. “Huh?”

  “Don’t you think we should get going on the bacon?”

  “Oh. Yeah.” Monica reached in the lower cupboard for a large frying pan.

  Cash handed her the package of bacon with a teasing gleam in his eyes. “Maybe I should take over.”

  Monica elbowed him aside. “Not a chance. Now get out of my way.”

  “Come on, boys, let’s watch the morning weather and plan our day.”

  Monica didn’t know how he did it, but he’d put her in a box and shelved her. Shelved them as in not now and maybe not ever. Smart guy. There was a good reason he’d remained single all this time. He could shut off his feelings like he turned off a light.

  She knew he cared about her and it was more than mere friendship. His agitated apology for kissing her hinted that maybe those feelings ran deep. She might be an idiot, but she wasn’t stupid. She just wished she had some of his skill in compartmentalizing everything and everyone.

  She peeked at him again, and he caught her.

  She quickly looked away and focused on laying strips of bacon in the hot pan. Hearing the sizzle and pop, she was only too happy to prepare a hearty breakfast. It might keep her mind occupied. After that, she had to check in with her assistant and let her know what was going on, and then there were more branches and limbs to clean up.

  All busy work that wouldn’t erase the fact that her heart was silently breaking.

  * * *

  After dinner, Cash considered the long stretch of another cool night ahead and cringed. What on earth were they going to do to pass the evening?

  The day had been fine as he and Monica had gone their separate ways. After the morning dishes were done, he took the boys for a walk in the woods to see more downed trees and storm damage. He wanted to give Monica a quiet space to get some work done. She’d said she needed to check in with clients.

  After a light lunch, they’d all pitched in to clear the rest of the branches in the yard and driveway. He’d used the chain saw on another small tree and stacked the wood. Finishing that, they came inside for an early dinner of plain hot dogs for the boys, while he and Monica had made elaborate chili dogs with fajita leftovers from the previous night. It was only five o’clock and they were done eating, with nothing but time and a long stretch of night ahead.