What Doesn't Kill You

by Iris Johansen

  “Well, now you do. And it’s causing chaos all around you.”

  “To disperse the chaos, we have only to remove Nardik. I guarantee that he’s not disclosed the details he found out from Gazaran’s wife. He’s not a fool, and he’s very ambitious.”

  “And it will be your secret again?” she asked bitterly.

  “Until I choose to share it.”

  “Not again, Hu Chang,” she said flatly.

  A smile lit his face. “You are concerned. I do not wish you to worry. We will compromise. Suppose I promise that I will let you choose the cases when I wish to share. Yes, that will please both of us.”

  “Why don’t you just—”

  “A compromise,” he said gently but firmly.

  And he was not going to budge. At least, she had won this much from him. And he had given her a surprising amount of power in the decision. All she had to do was say no. She nodded. “Though I wish you’d abandon this entire project, Hu Chang.”

  He leaned back in his chair, and his gaze shifted once more to the sunset. “I know what you wish. You’ve never hidden your feelings from me.” He chuckled. “Nor from anyone else. I notice that Gallo is having to accept that same stinging honesty. You clearly know each other well for such a short acquaintance.”

  “We’ve been through a good deal together in that short time.” She looked out at the sunset as she sipped the tea. “He’s very good. Maybe the best agent I’ve ever worked with. We think alike on a lot of things. I know he’s been antagonistic toward you, but he won’t let it interfere.”

  “You don’t have to explain him to me, Catherine. I can read him very well. I know who he is and what’s driving him. And the antagonism is partly due to the fact that he realizes that he senses that I know. Has he contacted you yet?”

  “He called me before I came down. Rory’s tour is taking longer than he thought. I’ll meet him in the garden just before dinner.”

  “Good. Then we have time to sit here together in peace. It’s been a long time since we were together.”

  “Not so long. Luke and I came to Hong Kong several weeks ago.”

  “But I was too busy studying and preparing the ground with your son to enjoy that reunion.”

  “Why would you want to ‘study’ him?” she asked curiously.

  “Because he belongs to you, and I must make him part of my life. If I had made that effort right after you gave birth to him, you might not have suffered so terribly those nine years after he was kidnapped. It would never have happened. I feel a certain guilt that I allowed myself to step back from you at that time.”

  She stared at him, stunned. He had never spoken of Luke or that time before this. “Don’t be ridiculous. You had no reason to have any guilt feelings. I’m the only one responsible for my son.”

  “I might have stopped it. I allowed my feelings to interfere and left you alone.”

  “I had my husband, Terry. I was not alone.”

  “If I was not there, you were alone. When you left the CIA and settled in Boston to have your child, I felt … displaced.”

  “What?”

  “I realize it was irrational. I was mortified that I could be subject to such emotions. I wanted you to have a full life, but I wanted to be part of that life.”

  She stared at him in bewilderment. “We kept in touch. I’d never let you go.”

  “It … was not enough. Our bond was strong. But I had to come to terms with it, so I stayed away and did not try to draw you back to me. It was a grave mistake.” He shook his head. “The child was taken.”

  “Hu Chang, your not being there had nothing to do with it.”

  He shook his head. “I must make sure that I am part of your son’s life so that I can keep him safe. I will not make that mistake again.”

  “Listen, my husband was shot by that butcher who took my son. If he couldn’t stop him from taking Luke, why would you think you could?”

  “Why, because I am extraordinary.” He waved his hand. “But we will not discuss this any longer. I answered you with truth because it is right that there be no secrets between us. And now you know that your son will remain under my protection, and that will bring you infinite solace.”

  “And will show that you have the biggest ego in the universe.” Yet in spite of her words, she couldn’t deny she did feel a sense of intense relief. Hu Chang was a formidable force, and she embraced the idea of Luke’s being surrounded by all the power and protection she could gather about him. “It’s not as if I can’t care for Luke myself.”

  “Catherine.”

  He knew her so well, and she owed him the honesty that was such a strong part of their relationship. “I thank you for your concern for my son,” she said jerkily. “It means a great deal to me.”

  He chuckled. “That was very difficult for you. I think you should lean back and rest after the ordeal.”

  “Not so difficult.” But it was good to lean back and relax as he suggested. “I’m not the fourteen-year-old girl you met all those years ago.”

  “Yes, you are. I still see flashes of her in the mature woman you’ve become. I cherish those flashes.”

  And she cherished the closeness, the total acceptance, the lack of loneliness that he always brought her. No one else had ever given those unique gifts. He was the most difficult man she had ever met, but those offerings made solving the constantly shifting puzzle of Hu Chang worthwhile.

  And for the moment, there was no conflict, no tightrope walking, no striving to keep even or ahead of him.

  They could sit here and be together and forget what might happen in the hours to come.

  * * *

  “YOU LOOK RELAXED,” GALLO SAID, as she walked down the garden path toward him. “Good God, even serene. I’ve never seen you like this. Are you sick?”

  “I’m fine.” And he looked absolutely stunning in the tuxedo that Chen Lu had evidently found for him, she thought. He was always high-impact, but the stark black and white contrasting against the delicate blossoms of the garden made him look all the more masculine. “I just took time to sit down with Hu Chang and watch the sun go down. I can be relaxed on occasion. It’s just with you the occasion never occurred.” She sat down on the stone bench by the fountain. “You’ll want to know what I found out from Hu Chang about the formula for his drug, Pondera. He discovered it as a side effect from another formula he was creating. It’s a poison that could not be detected by any means of forensic testing.”

  “No way. That’s hard to believe.”

  “Believe it. He decided that it had to be tested outside the lab and chose Ben Salan.”

  “Shit.” She could see he was thinking, going over what he remembered of the news stories. “No proof of foul play after all those hundreds of tests. He actually did it.”

  “He wouldn’t say he did it unless it was true. But there was a leak, and Nardik found out and decided it could be the premier weapon in his dirty arsenal. Now he wants it very badly.”

  “I think we have proof of that,” he said dryly. “Anything else?”

  She shook her head. “Nothing that would concern you.”

  “Personal stuff? Heaven forbid I interfere with that.”

  She ignored both the words and the faint edginess in his voice. “Well, are you satisfied that you know every hole and cranny of this place?”

  “Yes, there are at least five ways of exiting if it became necessary.” He paused. “And at least two that were capable of being a danger if anyone tried to get in. I had Rory assign extra guards to those areas.”

  “Good. I’m sure Chen Lu will be grateful for your expertise, too. She doesn’t impress me as someone who would care to be vulnerable in any situation.”

  “Rory seems very capable, and it’s clear he cares about her. That’s one of the prime requisites in a security chief.”

  “She called him her majordomo.”

  “Then he wears more than one hat. He was in the Army in Ireland with special duty fighting the
IRA before he took this job. Beneath that sunny smile and broad Irish accent, I bet he’s very competent in caring for Chen Lu.” He paused. “He thinks very highly of Hu Chang.”

  “What did he say?”

  “Not much. But the respect was there.”

  “Are you surprised? Everyone has respect for Hu Chang. I told you, he’s remarkable.”

  “Yeah, you told me.”

  She looked up at him and could feel his tension. “And you should believe me.” She was suddenly impatient. “If you can’t see him for what he is, then you’re a blind man.”

  “I’m not insulting your friend, Hu Chang.” His lips twisted. “I wouldn’t dare. He seems to hold everyone in a trance around here. He’s like a—” He broke off and drew a deep breath. “Forget that. I’m reacting to an overdose of the power of the mighty Hu Chang. I instinctively fight back.”

  She nodded. “You’re antagonistic.”

  “And defensive. He’s like fighting a ghost.”

  “Why fight him at all? He’s agreed to work with us now.”

  He was silent.

  “Why?”

  “He has too much influence with you. Do you want to know the truth? I think I’m jealous.”

  “I don’t believe it,” she said flatly. “You’re too confident to be jealous of anyone. And you have no reason to have feelings like that concerning me anyway.”

  “Absolutely. On both counts. It doesn’t make a damn bit of difference. I never thought I’d feel anything like this, and I don’t like it.”

  “Neither do I. Hu Chang is my friend, and I’ve known him for years. I’ve only known you for several weeks. Naturally, he can influence me. But he accepts it when I refuse to listen.”

  “Which I haven’t noticed occurring very frequently.” He added with frustration, “It’s as if he hypnotizes everyone around him. Hell, even I was tempted to believe that every word he said was wise as Solomon’s.”

  “You resisted that temptation very well,” she said dryly. “You couldn’t have been more skeptical.”

  “I was fighting a losing battle. I hadn’t figured out what I was going to do or what was happening. I reacted instinctively.” He gazed down into her eyes. “So when we were flying into Hong Kong, I had time to think, and I tried to put the pieces together.”

  She stiffened. “What pieces?”

  “First, I had to accept that Hu Chang has more influence on you than I would ever have thought. From casual things you mentioned, I thought he was just a good friend to you.”

  “For God’s sake, that’s what he is.”

  “No, he’s more than that. You have a fixation about him.” His lips tightened. “He’s like your alter ego. You love the bastard.”

  “Of course, I do,” she said fiercely. “He’s worth loving. And I’d be proud to be his alter ego. You have no idea how much we’ve gone through together.” Her eyes widened. “You think there’s something sexual, don’t you? You’re crazy. There’s nothing like that between us. Hell, Hu Chang says that maybe I was his daughter in another life. That’s almost as crazy as what you’re thinking, but it gives you an idea of how wrong you are.”

  “I didn’t say that I thought anything like that. You were the one who jumped the gun,” he said roughly. “I’m saying that you met him during a time when you were still impressionable, and you’ve put him on some kind of pedestal.”

  “That’s ridiculous.”

  “Is it? What about—” He stopped, hesitating. “I’m probably going to regret this.”

  “Don’t you dare stop,” she said through set teeth.

  “Oh, I wasn’t.” He smiled recklessly. “When have I ever stopped on the edge of a cliff? I’m like you in that, Catherine. I was just remembering some of those pieces I put together, things you’ve told me about your past. I was thinking about your husband, Terry. He was in his sixties when you married him, and you were still in your teens.”

  “So? That doesn’t mean anything. Venable turned me over to Terry to mentor me when I joined the CIA. He was a great agent and a wonderful man. We wanted the same things, a home, a child…”

  “Sex?”

  “Of course there was sex.”

  “But you mentioned only the practical things … the mature things.” He repeated. “Maturity, yes, that was the impression I received.”

  “The worthwhile goals,” she said. “It’s your own interpretation of my words. Now what the hell are you driving at?”

  “Maturity. Why would you choose a man who was decades older than you to marry? You’d had a hard life, but you weren’t looking for a cozy little cave and an ordinary family environment.”

  “You’re wrong. After I had Luke, I wanted him to have everything that was normal and good.”

  “But not before you had your son. Shall I tell you why you married your Terry?”

  “I’m sure you’re going to do it anyway.”

  “Because the only man with whom you’d had a rich and rewarding relationship was Hu Chang, who was older than you. You instinctively were drawn to a more mature man because you were hoping to repeat the experience.”

  “Bull. I never thought of Hu Chang’s age after the first day I met him. I don’t even know how old he is. I know Terry was older. At least, I think he was. Hu Chang’s always seemed … ageless to me.”

  “And how could a younger man compete with ageless when you were looking for a relationship? It brings to mind priceless treasures and weighty volumes that last through eternity.”

  “I did care about Terry.”

  “I don’t doubt it. And you care about Hu Chang.” His eyes were glittering in his taut face, and that recklessness was back in his expression. “And I’ve decided I don’t care about what you felt for either one.” His voice was thick, intense. “Because I can compete. I’m not ageless or some philosophic guru. I’m flesh and blood and young enough to make your head spin and your body want what I have to give you. And you will want me, Catherine.”

  She wanted him right now. She couldn’t look away from him. She should be angry. She had been angry only a moment before. She couldn’t believe what he had said to her. It wasn’t true. Or was it?

  But either way, it didn’t change the fact that her body was readying, her breasts swelling. Or that she wanted to stand up and step closer and rub against him. She wanted to inhale the spice-lemon scent of him. She was acutely aware of the hardness of his body, the muscles and tendons. She was suddenly aware of her own softness in contrast to that hardness.

  “You see?” His gaze was on her face, reading her thoughts. “I can compete, and I will. We’ve wanted this since the first time we came together. You can have your intimate little philosophic discussions with Hu Chang. I don’t give a damn. Because you’ll know when I’m looking at you, I’m thinking of everything I want to do with that gorgeous body. Every move that’s going to bring you pleasure, make you arch, and move against me. And when you come to my bed, I guarantee you’re not going to think of anyone but me.”

  She couldn’t breathe. She was burning hot. The muscles of her stomach were clenching helplessly. He had said that he could make her dizzy, and he was doing it. He wasn’t even touching her, and she felt as if she was opening, accepting.

  She had to get away from here. “I’ll think what I please.” She jumped to her feet. “Who the hell do you think you are, Gallo?”

  “Your lover.” He met her eyes. “You just haven’t recognized me yet. I just realized it myself. I probably would have taken more time if I hadn’t gotten so pissed at Hu Chang. I’ve never been jealous before.”

  “So you said all those stupid things about Terry and your weird theory about why I married him. You’re wrong, Gallo.”

  “Maybe.” He reached out and touched the skin in the hollow of her throat. “Think about it. Be honest with yourself as you’ve always been with me.”

  Her skin was hot, burning beneath that light touch. She could feel the pulse leap beneath his fingers.

  He
could feel it, too. She felt his body tense in response. “Do you know what that does to me?” He put his two thumbs in the hollow and gently rubbed back and forth. “There’s a rhythm to that beat. I want to make a rhythm, too…”

  If she didn’t step back, she’d move forward, go into his arms. If she went into his arms, they’d end up screwing like two frantic animals in the grasses of this beautiful garden.

  And Lord, how she wanted to do that.

  But you didn’t always do what you wanted. You didn’t act on impulse with a man who had this searing effect on you. She had never felt this intensely about anyone, and it was shaking her to her core. He had said she should think, but she wasn’t going to do it if he kept touching her.

  She stepped back, and said breathlessly, “I’m going to the veranda. I’m … sure it’s time for dinner.” She turned and started down the path. “Are you coming?”

  “Not at the moment. I’ll join you after I cool down a little.” Ruefully, he added, “It may take a while. Tell them to start dinner without me.”

  She glanced back at him then wished she hadn’t. “Whatever you say.” She jerked her eyes back to the arched door of the house. “I’m sure that Chen Lu will—”

  “Catherine.” He was shaking his head. “You don’t have to run away. It’s not going to be an attack. It will be a seduction. I just had to let you know that it had officially begun. I owed that to you.”

  “You don’t owe me anything. And we shouldn’t think of anything but Hu Chang and making sure he’s safe from Nardik.”

  He smiled. “Now that I’ve established my course of action, I’ll spare some thought to Hu Chang. I’ll even be civil to him. Run along to dinner, Catherine.”

  He was speaking to her as if she were a child, and only the moment before, the words he had been saying had been almost inflammatory. She welcomed the surge of irritation that was dissipating some of the heat he’d stirred. “I’ll walk, not run, and if you speak to me again like that, I’ll castrate you, Gallo.”

  He laughed. “I’ll watch my tongue. Neither one of us would like the results of that particular move.”