What Doesn't Kill You

by Iris Johansen

  “Late forties, early fifties. It’s hard to tell.”

  “She’s eighty-two.”

  “No way,” she said flatly.

  He nodded. “I realized that it’s hard to accept. But it’s true, Catherine. When she came to me to save her husband, she did not appear as she does now. She was full of vitality, but age had taken its toll.” He smiled. “But even as heartbroken as she was due to her Donal’s illness, I’d never seen anyone so vibrantly alive. While I treated her husband, I grew to care for both of them. They loved every second, every minute of life. It was truly remarkable.”

  “She said something about that to me.”

  “I don’t doubt it. I’m surprised she didn’t say more since she knew how close we are. Even though I’ve forbidden her to discuss Pondera, Chen Lu has to be closely monitored. Donal knew he was dying, but he didn’t want her to die with him. He wanted her to keep that love of life that was so much a part of her. He wanted her to go on. Before he died, he asked me to help him, help her.” He added simply, “So I did.”

  She asked carefully, “And just what did you do, Hu Chang?”

  “I’d completed the lab experiments on Pondera a few months before, and I’d been searching for a subject who would be a good test case. Chen Lu’s temperament and physical condition seemed ideal. After Donal Moriarty died, I gave Chen Lu a choice.”

  “What choice?”

  “To keep on living physically and mentally with keenness and vigor and almost certainly to have a renewal of stem cells to a great degree.” He shrugged. “Or to die because she’d lost the great love of her life. I would have accommodated her whichever she’d decided to do. It wasn’t as easy a choice as you would think, and I wouldn’t allow her to make that decision until I went over all the pros and cons of both choices. It took over six months until she chose Pondera.”

  She grabbed desperately at the two words that offered a glimmer of clarity in this bewildering fog. “Stem cells?”

  “But of course. What else are we talking about? Pay attention, Catherine.”

  “Be quiet. I have to understand this. Are you talking about a fountain of youth?”

  He gave her a look of disgust. “I don’t deal in legends. Stem cell research is medically sound. Although my application is a little unorthodox.”

  “Unorthodox,” she repeated weakly. “How long has Chen Lu been taking the drug?”

  “A little over four years. Chen Lu believes it’s been a great success. There’s been an astonishing amount of muscle regeneration. She’s very healthy, and her energy level is tremendously high.”

  “I noticed.”

  “I examine her every year and compare notes, but I’ve seen no ill effects.” He made a face. “Chen Lu disagrees. She says if her face and body looks so young, why couldn’t I get rid of that white hair.”

  “It’s beautiful…”

  “And if I added anything to the formula that would cause that particular change, it would send up a red flare. She mustn’t look too young. It would be difficult for her … and for me.”

  “And we wouldn’t want that.” She moistened her lips. “No fountain of youth. How long?”

  “I have no idea. It would depend on the physical condition of the person. That didn’t change on the plus side of the balance sheet.”

  “Guess.”

  “Chen Lu, at least another fifty or sixty years if I keep her on Pondera.” He paused. “A young, strong male with only the slightest cell deterioration.” He met her gaze. “You’ll have to be the one to guess. A long, long time. There aren’t any guidelines.”

  She closed her eyes. She had no breath. She felt as if she’d been socked in the stomach.

  “Shh.” Hu Chang was suddenly close to her, his hand on her cheek. “It’s going to be fine, Catherine.”

  “Is it?” She opened her eyes. “Let me get this straight. You haven’t given Luke this drug, have you?”

  He shook his head. “Only the choice. He’ll have the knowledge and the capability to re-create Pondera when he reaches his thirtieth birthday. I figured by that time he would have had the opportunity to work through any psychological problems and be mature enough to make a decision.” He smiled down into her eyes. “That’s almost twenty years for us to guide him in the way we want him to go. I can see no problem.”

  “Us?”

  “Do you think I would give a gift without making sure that he would not suffer from it? Right now, Luke is a shooting star, but we will make sure he turns into a sun. I left you alone before. I will not do it again.” He paused. “Unless you wish it.”

  She looked at him with frustration and extreme irritation. “That’s right, back me in a corner where I don’t know what in hell is going to happen with Luke, then you give me a choice.”

  He chuckled. “But is that not clever? How can you refuse me?”

  “I intend to make a valiant attempt.”

  “It will do no good. We were meant to be together. Don’t worry, I will make sure that you have whatever you wish. Sometimes it will be painful for me, but I realize that the only way to hold on is to let go … for a while.” He took her hand. “Come, we will go join Chen Lu and Luke on the veranda, and over dinner, you can take the time to think and become accustomed to the idea.”

  For a moment she didn’t move. Then she fell into step with him. “I think it will take longer than any dinner.”

  “Perhaps, but I’ve noticed you adjust beautifully to any situation. Admit it. Is this not a magnificent gift that I’ve given you? Luke lost years when he was in captivity, he can take them back now.”

  How could she deny the splendor even if fraught with risks and gigantic problems? But he’d had no right to do what he’d done without discussing it with her. Because he knew her so well, he’d realized that she would have trouble with even a hint of danger to Luke, and he’d breezed right by any possible objections. “It’s a damn two-headed coin.”

  “Lightning bolts and the gods of Mount Olympus. It’s not a bad combination. I believe I did very well with Pondera.” He waved at Luke, who had come to the balustrade of the veranda and was watching them approach. “A few glitches, but it definitely has potential to become a sun.”

  “What doesn’t kill you, makes you strong?”

  “Exactly. You can see why I couldn’t let it be destroyed.”

  “But you’re not going to go public with it?”

  “No, I’ve been dribbling out bits of my stem cell research to responsible organizations, but I can’t release Pondera. What you call a two-headed coin could become a two-headed dragon breathing fire and brimstone. It’s like trying to separate Siamese twins. One almost always dies or becomes much weaker. In the case of Pondera, it’s the poison that usually survives. I can strike the balance and get what I need, but I wouldn’t entrust it to anyone else.”

  She had a sudden thought. “Did you take it yourself?”

  “Not yet. I haven’t come to terms with the same decision I gave to Chen Lu. I find it easier to go the selfish route and give my gifts to the ones I wish to keep with me.”

  She stiffened, and her gaze flew to his face. “That was plural. I’m not going to be covered by that umbrella, Hu Chang. I make my own decisions. Back off.”

  “As you wish.”

  He was smiling.

  “Hu Chang.”

  “How do you know that I didn’t already give you the drug?” he asked softly. “I was with you in the hospital for many hours.”

  “Did you do it?”

  He was silent.

  “Answer me, Hu Chang.”

  “What is life without mystery?”

  “Real and worthwhile.”

  “I beg to differ. Perhaps we’ll discuss this at another time.” He started up the stone steps to the veranda. “I’ve brought her back to you, Luke. And I’m wounded but still able to function.”

  “Did you give her your present?” Luke asked. “Did she like it?”

  Hu Chang looked at Catherin
e. “Shall we ask her? Did you like your present, Catherine?”

  “I’m not certain.” The two-headed coin. Hu Chang’s gift was not without the potential for awesome headaches, even tragedy, as well as a treasure sought by man through the centuries. She gazed at Luke, who was standing there strong and full of life, his eyes bright and curious, ready to take on the next challenge, ready to take on the world. She had been like that when she was his age, she remembered. No challenge too big, no goal impossible to reach.

  And when had she become afraid to face those challenges, she suddenly thought impatiently. She’d just grab the treasure, fight off the dragons, and carve out a golden life for this son she loved more than life itself. “I’ve changed my mind. Yes, I am certain.” She smiled confidently as she took Luke’s hand and strolled with him toward the dinner table, where Chen Lu waited. “I like my gift very much and you’re going to like it, too, Luke. Hu Chang and I will see that you do.”

  * * *

  “GOOD NIGHT, CATHERINE.” LUKE YAWNED as he stopped at the head of the stairs. “I’ll see you at breakfast. Are you going to plant with me tomorrow?”

  “I wouldn’t miss it.”

  “Good.” She watched him turn and go down the hall to his room, then stop to look over his shoulder. “You’re not mad at Hu Chang any longer?”

  “Yes, I am. This time he did something that will take a little time for me to get over.”

  He frowned as he opened the door. “But you didn’t act mad at dinner. Why?”

  She shrugged. “Because with Hu Chang, there are always mixed feelings. You accept that if you want him to stay in your life.”

  “And you want him to stay?”

  “Yes, no, most of the time. Mixed feelings.” She paused. “But it always ends with yes, Luke. For me, it’s always yes.”

  He nodded gravely as the door closed behind him. “For me, too.”

  She smiled ruefully as she went down the hall to her own room.

  Hu Chang, you’ve got both of us, but don’t get too complacent. Neither one of us is going to let you trample over us and change our lives to suit you.

  Except he had done just that when he had given Luke that posthypnotic suggestion that could change all their lives in the future.

  But that was twenty years in the future, and it was difficult to be afraid of something that far away. All her life she had lived in the present, and her present with Luke was looking bright enough to blur everything else beyond tomorrow. Accept Chen Lu’s philosophy and enjoy every moment of the day.

  She went into her suite and forced herself to cross to the French doors and go out on the balcony. She had to erase that last horrible memory of gazing down at the burning garden and watching Nardik kill Rory Benedict.

  Rebirth, Chen Lu had said. There always has to be rebirth.

  The moonlight was silver-bright, and from here she could see the extent of that rebirth. Hundreds of trees and bushes and earth that had been turned and made ready for seed.

  Hu Chang.

  He was on the path nearest to the veranda and was staring out at the plantings.

  No doubt critiquing the work of the landscapers, she thought ruefully. He’d probably be out there at dawn telling them how they should have done it.

  He must have sensed her eyes on him because he suddenly turned and looked up at the balcony. His expression wasn’t what she had expected. It was sober, and there was a hint of pain. Was he finding this rebirth as sad as she?

  Then he smiled and bowed mockingly to her.

  Who knows what he was thinking? Just once she’d like to pierce that—

  “Catherine.”

  She stiffened in shock at the voice in the room behind her.

  Gallo.

  “I knocked, but I didn’t get an answer.” He was coming across the room toward her. “Not that I wouldn’t have come in anyway. I didn’t fly all those hours to stand waiting in that damn hall. I’m mad as hell, and I want answers.”

  She whirled and left the balcony to stand before him. “What are you doing here?”

  “I believe the term is showdown.” His hands grasped her shoulders. “You walk out of that hospital and don’t even leave me a message to tell me where you were going.”

  “I had something to do. I had to go get my son.”

  “So I heard from Hu Chang. But you couldn’t let me come with you? You couldn’t let me help?”

  “It wasn’t your business. Any debt you might have owed me you paid in full.”

  “Another reason why I’m here. The decks are clear. And you’re my business.” His hands were opening and closing on her shoulders in a motion that was purely sensual. “And you know damn well I’m right. What’s between us isn’t finished, and I’m not going to let you walk away until you tell me that you don’t want it, you don’t want me. But you’re not going to tell me from half a world away.” He pulled her close, and his lips were suddenly on her throat. Her heart leaped as his tongue touched the pulse in the hollow. “Tell me now, Catherine. Tell me how you want to walk away.”

  Walk? Her knees were so weak, she could hardly stand. The scent of him. The feel of him.

  His tongue was outlining the fullness of her lower lip. “Tell me.”

  “You know damn well that I don’t want to do anything but go to bed with you right now,” she said unevenly. “But my life is complicated, and it’s getting more complicated by the minute. You’re a … distraction.”

  “You bet I am.” His hands slid down to rub her breasts through the silk of the caftan. “And I’ve no objection to taking that role in your life for a while. I’ll work very hard, and before we’re through, I promise I’ll be perfect at it.”

  “You’re already pretty damn good.” Her breasts were becoming taut under the warmth of his palms. “But I don’t need … distractions.”

  “Yes, you do. You need this.” He slipped the caftan off one shoulder, and his lips pressed on the hollow. “You need me. Even Hu Chang said that you did.”

  “What?” She was starting to shake, and all she wanted was for him to stop talking and start moving. But he had said something to which she had to pay attention. Something that had struck a chord …

  Then it struck her.

  Hu Chang.

  “Dammit.” She pushed Gallo away and stepped back. “What the hell do you mean that Hu Chang said that I needed you?”

  “Shit.” His voice was thick with self-disgust. “Wrong thing to say. But it could have gone either way.”

  “What does Hu Chang have to do with your being here?” She was thinking back to what he’d said earlier when she’d been too shocked at his appearance to take notice. “You said he’d told you I’d gone after my son. You didn’t track him down, did you? He called you and told you where I was and why I was here.”

  “Yes; I’m not trying to hide anything from you, Catherine.” His smile was twisted. “It’s not as if Hu Chang and I are coconspirators. We’re definitely not that close. He called and filled me in on why you’d left the hospital and told me that there was a possibility that you might need me here.”

  “I don’t need you. I don’t need anyone.”

  “Not at the moment,” he said resignedly. “I blew it.” His expression suddenly hardened. “Or maybe I was set up by that wily bastard.”

  “Not you. I’m the one he’s trying to manipulate.”

  “I will make sure you have everything you wish. Sometimes it will be painful for me, but I realize that the only way to hold on is to let go … for a while.”

  “What?” Gallo’s eyes were narrowed on her face. “Explain.”

  “You’re a distraction? He doesn’t mind a distraction for me. Well, he may mind it, but it’s okay as long as it comes from him. He has to be in control.” Her eyes were glittering with anger. “He is not in control.”

  She turned and strode out onto the balcony.

  Hu Chang was standing where she had left him.

  Alone.

  Loneliness.
The bond that had held them together through the years. Loneliness and an affection that was stronger than the bond itself.

  Don’t remember those years. Hold on to the anger.

  She glared down at him. “Why the hell did you think you could act as my pimp, Hu Chang?”

  “I only offered you the opportunity. You were obviously beguiled by Gallo. I thought you might enjoy him.” He shrugged. “If I was wrong, send him away.”

  And that might be what he wanted her to do. With Hu Chang, it was difficult to tell what his purpose was at any given time.

  “No, I’m not going to send him away.” She gestured to Gallo, who had come out to stand beside her. “Because he’s more than the chess piece you want to make him. He’s one hell of a man, and I respect his mind and his courage as well as the fact that I want to go to bed with him. There’s a good chance I will enjoy him if he wants me. But it’s not because you want it to happen or don’t want it to happen. And it won’t be on your timetable. It will be because we want it. Do you understand?”

  He inclined his head. “Perfectly.”

  “Good.” She whirled and stalked back into the bedroom and slammed the door. “Did you hear him, Gallo? He admitted it. He’s outrageous.”

  “Oh, I heard him.” Gallo leaned back against the French doors. “And I didn’t like him trying to use me. If you didn’t love the son of a bitch so much, I’d probably kill him. But that would be cutting off my nose to spite my face.”

  “I may kill him myself. You have no idea what else he’s done.”

  “And you may or may not decide to tell me. So much of what’s between you stays between you.” He held up his hand as she started to speak. “And I’ve accepted that’s the way it’s going to be. I’m not interfering in your relationship, I’m going to build one of my own. All I want to know is if you meant what you told him out there.”

  She stared him in the eye. “I meant every word.” She went to him and slid her arms around his neck. “Every syllable.” She kissed him long, hard, and with passion. “Any questions?”

  “No.” He drew a deep breath, then stepped back. “I’ll see you in the morning. I’ve got to get out of here.”

  She frowned. “Why?”