Kathleen's Story

by Lurlene McDaniel

  “I didn’t ask him to feel sorry for Ben or me. I was just trying to show him that important people—hospital staff—trust me and think I can handle important stuff. No other volunteer has even been allowed on the pediatric cancer floor except me. Not even Raina.” She added the last part triumphantly, as if Raina were the measuring stick for trustworthiness.

  “This isn’t about trumping Raina, is it?”

  Holly flushed. “Of course not.”

  “But Kathleen’s dating that Carson guy and I’m dating Raina and Holly is feeling left behind. Am I right?”

  She wanted to slug him, but truthfully her brother had gone straight to the heart of the matter. It was bothering her that her two best friends had boyfriends and freedom and she had neither. “I hate you,” she said, without conviction. She slumped.

  Hunter laughed, slung his arm around her shoulders and squeezed. “Your real problem, little sister, is that you’re smart and skipped a grade and now you’re the youngest in your crowd.”

  “I’m fifteen,” she said defensively.

  “Think back. I was sixteen and a half before Mom and Dad let me date. It was just a miracle that Raina even gave me the time of day when I asked her out last year. She was the prettiest girl in the school.”

  “So what? What are you saying?”

  “Someone will come along at the right time for you too. Just be patient. And never stop doing good deeds. I respect the way you’re helping Ben.”

  “You do?” Holly wiped her eyes one more time.

  “Raina told me lots of kids have dropped out of the program already, but not you three.”

  “I like it at the hospital. I like helping. And I really do like Ben. I feel sorry for him, you know, all alone for his treatments. They can be pretty brutal.”

  “Just think about it, sis.” Hunter offered a lopsided grin. “There’s only ten years’ difference between you and Ben Keller. When you’re thirty, he’ll be twenty and neither of you will need parental permission to date or even to get married.”

  She shoved him hard. “This is serious!”

  “And marrying Ben isn’t?”

  She pounced on him, and they wrestled and tickled each other until they were both out of breath and his room was a shambles.

  Raina lay stretched out on a float, looking up at the star-studded sky. The water lapped lazily against the sides of the pool in her townhome complex, now deserted because of the late hour. Hunter treaded water beside her, holding on gently to the edge of the float. The sounds of his breathing and the soft splashing of water beneath his free hand lulled her into a warm sense of peace. “I feel like we’re the only two people in the world,” she said softly.

  The pool area was set back from the houses, with high shrubs on one side and the deserted clubhouse on the other. “What would you do if we were?” Hunter asked.

  “I’d swim naked in the moonlight,” she said.

  “And if you did that, we wouldn’t be the only two people in the world for long,” he joked.

  She flicked water on him playfully and turned to face him. “Did Holly get over her bad mood?”

  “We had a talk about it. I don’t think she figured that Dad would react to her little boyfriend prank the way he did.”

  “She was steaming when she got into the car the other day, after it happened. Nothing Kathleen or I could say calmed her down.”

  “She came crying to me too. I got her laughing again, though.”

  “She’s lucky she has a big brother to come to.” While they talked, Hunter toyed with Raina’s hair, trailing in the water above the top of the float in long, silky tendrils. “Are you sure you have to run off to that camp next month?” she asked. “I’m hardly over missing you from your last trip.” The summer was passing quickly and she was dreading his leaving again. Because of their different schedules, she didn’t see him nearly enough.

  “Yes, I have to go.”

  She was so close to him that she saw water droplets on his eyelashes. “Will you miss me?” she asked, touching his cheek. Moonbeams fractured the water’s surface around them and sparks flared off her heart for love of him.

  “I always miss you.” He could touch bottom now, so he stopped treading water and stood up.

  She slipped from the float and pushed it away, circled her arms around his neck, her legs around his body, wishing she could soak into his very skin. “Do you love me, Hunter?”

  “I love you,” he whispered.

  Raina’s insides felt white-hot and she half expected the water around them to boil. They kissed until she felt dizzy. It was Hunter who untangled her legs from his waist and pushed away. “A few more minutes like that and I won’t be able to stop myself.” His voice was husky and he shook his head, slinging water from his hair. The drops plopped around them like soft rain.

  She took deep breaths to slow the pounding of her pulse. “Sometimes I don’t want to stop,” she confessed, watching him move backward toward the steps.

  “Me either. But I want it to be right for us. I want our first time to be right. We’ll be each other’s firsts,” he said, grabbing her hands and pulling her toward the steps with him. “That’s worth waiting for, don’t you think?”

  She stiffened slightly, but he didn’t notice. “Yes,” she said, feeling hollow inside. “It’ll be worth it.”

  fifteen

  KATHLEEN WALKED ON eggshells around her mother for a week, doing penance for her July Fourth escapade. Her mother made no other comments about it, which Kathleen found frustrating. She had fallen out of favor with her mother and she couldn’t gauge when she would be forgiven. She felt that they were off balance, out of sync. Perhaps Raina’s way was better—yell at each other and get it over with once and for all. Dragging out punishment didn’t do her or her mother any good.

  To her surprise, Carson called her every night. She longed to be with him. He said he understood when she told him she needed to hang around her house a little while longer. Nor did he act impatient because she wouldn’t break her self-imposed exile. Yet when a week had passed, he showed up on her doorstep holding a pizza box and a carton of sodas. “How about me treating you and your mother to dinner tonight?” he said when Kathleen opened the front door.

  “Who’s here, Kathleen?” Mary Ellen rolled into the foyer. “Oh,” she said, seeing Carson. “Hello there.”

  “Carson Kiefer,” he said, introducing himself and offering one of his heart-stopping smiles. “I’m one of Kathleen’s friends from the hospital. I brought dinner. And a bag of movies from the video store. Interested?”

  Mary Ellen glanced from Kathleen to Carson. “You two can eat without me.”

  Carson shook his head. “No way. I brought the super king-size, so there’s plenty for the three of us. More than enough.”

  Mary Ellen hesitated and Kathleen held her breath, waiting for the answer. “Are you sure?” she asked.

  “Positive.”

  “Well… all right. I’d like to join you.”

  Buoyed by her mother’s receptiveness, Kathleen sprang into action. “I’ll make us a salad to go with it. Come on in.”

  He stepped into the foyer. “No need. I had the pizza place put all that girly stuff on this baby.”

  “Girly stuff?” Kathleen asked.

  “You know, green peppers, olives, mushrooms. Us guys like the other food group— sausage, pepperoni, ham—but I thought, ‘Hey, why not toss on some veggies for the women?’”

  Mary Ellen laughed. “Go make a salad, Kathleen. I’ll set the table. The pizza smells delicious.”

  In the kitchen, Kathleen grabbed salad fixings from the refrigerator and a large wooden bowl and began tearing up lettuce leaves. Her mother drifted to the table and set out placemats and plates. To Kathleen’s surprise, Carson set to work chopping celery and carrots. “I’ll do that,” she said.

  “What—you think I’ve never made a salad before? Why, I’m known as the Salad King at my house.”

  “But you’re a g
uest.”

  “I don’t want to be a guest,” he said. “I want to be one of the help.”

  In no time, the bowl was heaped with greens and diced vegetables, the pizza was sitting on the table and cola had been poured into tall ice-filled glasses. They sat down and helped themselves to the food. Carson kept up a stream of hospital stories that made them laugh, and Kathleen couldn’t help noticing that her mother was eating more than she had in days, which thrilled her. Her own appetite had improved too, and she felt grateful for Carson’s impromptu visit.

  When they were finished with the meal, Kathleen asked, “What movies did you bring?”

  “A bunch. There’s some mushy girl flicks, some action ones with cool car chases, and some mysteries—but not the kind with blood and stuff,” he added quickly. “Wasn’t sure what you’d like, so I just checked out ten.”

  “Ten!” Kathleen gaped at him, and he shrugged.

  “Let’s try one of the action ones,” Mary Ellen said. “I see enough of the mushy girl movies.”

  “Sounds good to me,” he said.

  Mary Ellen asked, “Do you like being a Pink Angel, Carson?”

  He looked pained. “Wish they’d call us something else. I don’t like pink and I’m no angel.” He grinned impishly and winked, making Mary Ellen laugh. “The program’s okay,” he added more seriously. “Got a whole lot better for me once I got together with Kathleen.”

  Kathleen flushed with pleasure. “In other words, Mom, he was so bored that I started to look good to him.”

  “Not true,” he countered. “She looked good to me from day one, but she avoided me like I had a serious virus.”

  He couldn’t have made Kathleen feel better. For whatever reason, Carson was going public with his affection for her and she loved hearing it.

  They went into the living room for the movie. Except for the sofa, there was one wingback chair that Kathleen thought highly uncomfortable. Mary Ellen’s nest in the corner of the sofa looked well worn and momentarily embarrassed Kathleen. Compared to Carson’s home, hers had to look shabby to him. “Mom’s got the sofa,” she whispered to Carson. “I’ll get some big pillows and we’ll hit the floor.”

  “Suits me,” he told her.

  Kathleen went to help her mother from her wheelchair to the sofa and was shocked when she struggled to her feet. “I can do this,” she said, and took the few steps to the sofa cushions. Carson had also advanced to help, but Mary Ellen waved him off. “My legs are weak, but I can still use them.”

  As her mother settled into the pillows and spread the blanket across her lap, it occurred to Kathleen that her mother didn’t want to appear helpless to Carson. She couldn’t figure why. Mary Ellen certainly allowed Kathleen to help her. In fact, Mary Ellen had days when she seemed virtually helpless and called on Kathleen continually for aid.

  They watched the movie, not that Kathleen followed the plot. It was enough to be sprawled out on the floor next to Carson. When it was over, Mary Ellen climbed back into her chair unaided and said good night.

  “Um—do you want me to come to your room with you?” Kathleen asked. She usually helped her mother get into bed.

  “I can manage,” her mother said cheerfully. “You and Carson watch another movie. Just check on me before you go to bed, all right? Carson, thank you for dinner tonight, and for your company.”

  “We’ll do it again.”

  Mystified by her mother’s rediscovered abilities, Kathleen watched her leave the room, listening to the whir of her electric chair as she headed down the hall. With a confused shake of her head, she asked Carson, “You want popcorn?”

  “Sure.”

  They went to the kitchen and Kathleen shoved a bag into the microwave.

  “You went quiet,” he said. “Something wrong?”

  She quickly smiled. “Nothing. It was just good to see Mom having a good time.”

  “Watching a movie on the VCR is a good time?” Carson looked baffled. “What does she usually do for fun?”

  “Not much.”

  “Any friends?”

  “A few, but she rarely leaves the house anymore.”

  “And so you stay with her all the time?”

  “I’m all she has.” Kathleen felt defensive. Her life and her obligations were too complicated to explain to a boy who had almost unlimited freedom as long as he stayed out of trouble.

  “What about your life?”

  Hadn’t her mother’s doctor asked the same thing a few weeks ago? “I’m fine with my life. There’s no lock on the door, you know. I come and go like you do at your house.” Except that they both knew this wasn’t entirely true.

  “What does she do all day when you’re in school or at the hospital?”

  “Reads. Watches TV. Oh, and she puts together scrapbooks. She used to work in an office, but not anymore.” She used to do a lot of other things, but the MS had slowly robbed her of her motor skills.

  “Doesn’t seem very time-consuming,” he observed.

  “It is for someone with MS,” she said testily.

  The microwave went off and Kathleen jerked out the bag of popcorn, then dropped it as hot steam from one end of the bag burned her. “Ouch!” She put her stinging finger into her mouth.

  He stooped and picked up the bag, put it on the counter, then pulled her close and held her. She struggled for a moment but stopped when he stroked her hair and kissed her forehead. “I’m sorry,” he said, without clarifying what he was sorry about.

  “You’re not feeling sorry for me, are you? Because I don’t feel sorry for me and neither should you.”

  He lifted her chin and looked into her eyes. “How can I feel sorry for anyone who defends herself like a cornered cat?”

  “So now I’m a hissing cat?”

  “I’d better shut up before I dig myself into a deeper hole.” He kissed her mouth. “Show me your room,” he said in her ear.

  “Why?”

  “I want to see Kathleen’s lair.”

  Her heart began to hammer. Her room was on the opposite side of the house from her mother’s. An intercom connected the two rooms in case Mary Ellen needed her in the night. “It’s just a room. And messy too.”

  “I don’t care how messy. I want to see your space so that I can picture you when I close my eyes at night.”

  She took him into her bedroom. “I’m going to repaint it,” she said once he’d closed the door behind them.

  “What color?”

  “Lime green, I think.”

  He went to her bed, and she was glad that she’d taken the time to make it that morning. He picked up her pillow and smoothed it with his hand. She experienced a fluttery feeling in her stomach because there was something intimate and sexy about his stroking her pillow. She imagined that he was touching her. “What do you think?” she asked.

  He pressed her pillow to his face, inhaling. “About what?”

  “The color, lime green. For the walls.”

  “I think you could choose any color and it would be perfect. You shouldn’t be afraid to experiment, you know. It might be fun.”

  His eyes looked smoky and dark. She’d never had a boy look at her like that before and she found it exciting, a little bit dangerous. She said, “You make it sound frivolous, like it doesn’t matter.”

  “It should always matter.”

  She wondered if they really were talking about paint colors anymore. “What if…I…don’t like it?”

  “Repaint.”

  “Seems like a lot of extra work. I’d like to get it right the first time.” She said it like a confession and felt the familiar color creep across her face. She had told him something very personal about herself, unsure whether he would catch on.

  “The first time,” he repeated. A flash of understanding crossed his face. “Yes. It should be right the first time.”

  They stared at each other, only inches apart. She felt vulnerable and exposed, scared too. Without saying the words, he had told her that he wanted t
o take her to bed. And she had told him she had not had sex before and that she wanted to wait until the time was right.

  He placed her pillow back on the bed. “I have an idea. Let’s pick out a bunch of colors and paint a swatch of each one on the wall. Then we’ll decide which one you like the best. It’s the only way to choose, you know. To see all the colors next to each other.”

  He was telling her he wouldn’t push her, that he would wait for her to decide what she wanted to have happen between them. “That will take some patience,” she said.

  “Patience is a good thing when you want to get it just right,” he said.

  She nodded and slipped into his arms and they stood that way, locked in an embrace, for a long, long time.

  sixteen

  KATHLEEN WAITED UNTIL she, Raina and Holly were alone in the elevator moving toward the volunteer assignment room before she casually mentioned that Carson had brought over pizza and movies the night before.

  “Is that why that slap-happy look is all over your face?” Raina asked.

  “Could be.”

  “And we rode all the way here talking about my boring life because you didn’t see fit to mention this in the car?” Holly asked.

  “Well, I didn’t want to monopolize the conversation.”

  Holly looked at Raina, who poked Kathleen in the shoulder forcefully with her forefinger. “Something happened between you two, didn’t it?”

  Kathleen stepped out of the elevator and into the hallway leading to the volunteer room. “Could be.”

  The others immediately flanked her. “Spill it,” Raina said.

  “My mother had dinner with us, but after she went to bed, he asked to see my bedroom. I let him check it out.”

  “The two of you were alone in your bedroom?” Holly’s eyes were saucer-wide. “What happened? Details. I want details.”

  “We talked,” Kathleen said with an innocent smile.

  “That’s it?” Raina asked.

  Holly hissed in exasperation. “Don’t you know I live through you vicariously? I look to your life to be exciting, because mine sure isn’t.” She threw Raina a glance. “And who wants to hear about her escapades with my brother—ugh!”