The Complete Plays

by Aristophanes

  BOEOTIAN. I also bring geese, hares, foxes, moles, hedgehogs, cats, lyres, martins, otters and eels from the Copaic lake.

  DICAEOPOLIS. Ah! my friend, you, who bring me the most delicious of fish, let me salute your eels.

  BOEOTIAN. Come, thou, the eldest of my fifty Copaic virgins, come and complete the joy of our host.

  DICAEOPOLIS. Oh! my well-beloved, thou object of my long regrets, thou art here at last then, thou, after whom the comic poets sigh, thou, who art dear to Morychus. Slaves, hither with the stove and the bellows. Look at this charming eel, that returns to us after six long years of absence. Salute it, my children; as for myself, I will supply coal to do honour to the stranger. Take it into my house; death itself could not separate me from her, if cooked with beet leaves.

  BOEOTIAN. And what will you give me in return?

  DICAEOPOLIS. It will pay for your market dues. And as to the rest, what do you wish to sell me?

  BOEOTIAN. Why, everything.

  DICAEOPOLIS. On what terms? For ready-money or in wares from these parts?

  BOEOTIAN. I would take some Athenian produce, that we have not got in

  Boeotia.

  DICAEOPOLIS. Phaleric anchovies, pottery?

  BOEOTIAN. Anchovies, pottery? But these we have. I want produce that is wanting with us and that is plentiful here.

  DICAEOPOLIS. Ah! I have the very thing; take away an Informer, packed up carefully as crockery-ware.

  BOEOTIAN. By the twin gods! I should earn big money, if I took one; I would exhibit him as an ape full of spite.

  DICAEOPOLIS. Hah! here we have Nicarchus, who comes to denounce you.

  BOEOTIAN. How small he is!

  DICAEOPOLIS. But in his case the whole is one mass of ill-nature.

  NICARCHUS. Whose are these goods?

  DICAEOPOLIS. Mine; they come from Boeotia, I call Zeus to witness.

  NICARCHUS. I denounce them as coming from an enemy’s country.

  BOEOTIAN. What! you declare war against birds?

  NICARCHUS. And I am going to denounce you too.

  BOEOTIAN. What harm have I done you?

  NICARCHUS. I will say it for the benefit of those that listen; you introduce lamp-wicks from an enemy’s country.

  DICAEOPOLIS. Then you go as far as denouncing a wick.

  NICARCHUS. It needs but one to set an arsenal afire.

  DICAEOPOLIS. A wick set an arsenal ablaze! But how, great gods?

  NICARCHUS. Should a Boeotian attach it to an insect’s wing, and, taking advantage of a violent north wind, throw it by means of a tube into the arsenal and the fire once get hold of the vessels, everything would soon be devoured by the flames.

  DICAEOPOLIS. Ah! wretch! an insect and a wick would devour everything. (He strikes him.)

  NICARCHUS (to the Chorus). You will bear witness, that he mishandles me.

  DICAEOPOLIS. Shut his mouth. Give him some hay; I am going to pack him up as a vase, that he may not get broken on the road.

  CHORUS. Pack up your goods carefully, friend; that the stranger may not break it when taking it away.

  DICAEOPOLIS. I shall take great care with it, for one would say he is cracked already; he rings with a false note, which the gods abhor.

  CHORUS. But what will be done with him?

  DICAEOPOLIS. This is a vase good for all purposes; it will be used as a vessel for holding all foul things, a mortar for pounding together law-suits, a lamp for spying upon accounts, and as a cup for the mixing up and poisoning of everything.

  CHORUS. None could ever trust a vessel for domestic use that has such a ring about it.

  DICAEOPOLIS. Oh! it is strong, my friend, and will never get broken, if care is taken to hang it head downwards.

  CHORUS. There! it is well packed now!

  BOEOTIAN. Marry, I will proceed to carry off my bundle.

  CHORUS. Farewell, worthiest of strangers, take this Informer, good for anything, and fling him where you like.

  DICAEOPOLIS. Bah! this rogue has given me enough trouble to pack! Here!

  Boeotian, pick up your pottery.

  BOEOTIAN. Stoop, Ismenias, that I may put it on your shoulder, and be very careful with it.

  DICAEOPOLIS. You carry nothing worth having; however, take it, for you will profit by your bargain; the Informers will bring you luck.

  A SERVANT OF LAMACHUS. Dicaeopolis!

  DICAEOPOLIS. What do want crying this gait?

  SERVANT. Lamachus wants to keep the Feast of Cups, and I come by his order to bid you one drachma for some thrushes and three more for a Copaic eel.

  DICAEOPOLIS. And who is this Lamachus, who demands an eel?

  SERVANT. ’Tis the terrible, indefatigable Lamachus, he, who is always brandishing his fearful Gorgon’s head and the three plumes which o’ershadow his helmet.

  DICAEOPOLIS. No, no, he will get nothing, even though he gave me his buckler. Let him eat salt fish, while he shakes his plumes, and, if he comes here making any din, I shall call the inspectors. As for myself, I shall take away all these goods; I go home on thrushes’ wings and blackbirds’ pinions.

  CHORUS. You see, citizens, you see the good fortune which this man owes to his prudence, to his profound wisdom. You see how, since he has concluded peace, he buys what is useful in the household and good to eat hot. All good things flow towards him unsought. Never will I welcome the god of war in my house; never shall he chant the ‘Harmodius’ at my table; he is a sot, who comes feasting with those who are overflowing with good things and brings all sorts of mischief at his heels. He overthrows, ruins, rips open; ’tis vain to make him a thousand offers, “be seated, pray, drink this cup, proffered in all friendship,” he burns our vine-stocks and brutally pours out the wine from our vineyards on the ground. This man, on the other hand, covers his table with a thousand dishes; proud of his good fortunes, he has had these feathers cast before his door to show us how he lives.

  DICAEOPOLIS. Oh! Peace! companion of fair Aphrodité and of the sweet Graces, how charming are your features and yet I never knew it! Would that Eros might join me to thee, Eros, crowned with roses as Zeuxis shows him to us! Perhaps I seem somewhat old to you, but I am yet able to make you a threefold offering; despite my age, I could plant a long row of vines for you; then beside these some tender cuttings from the fig; finally a young vine-stock, loaded with fruit and all round the field olive trees, which would furnish us with oil, wherewith to anoint us both at the New Moons.

  HERALD. List, ye people! As was the custom of your forebears, empty a full pitcher of wine at the call of the trumpet; he, who first sees the bottom, shall get a wine-skin as round and plump as Ctesiphon’s belly.

  DICAEOPOLIS. Women, children, have you not heard? Faith! do you not heed the herald? Quick! let the hares boil and roast merrily; keep them a-turning; withdraw them from the flame; prepare the chaplets; reach me the skewers that I may spit the thrushes.

  CHORUS. I envy you your wisdom and even more your good cheer.

  DICAEOPOLIS. What then will you say when you see the thrushes roasting?

  CHORUS. Ah! true indeed!

  DICAEOPOLIS. Slave! stir up the fire.

  CHORUS. See, how he knows his business, what a perfect cook! How well he understands the way to prepare a good dinner!

  A HUSBANDMAN. Ah! woe is me!

  DICAEOPOLIS. Heracles! What have we here?

  HUSBANDMAN. A most miserable man.

  DICAEOPOLIS. Keep your misery for yourself.

  HUSBANDMAN. Ah! friend! since you alone are enjoying peace, grant me a part of your truce, were it but five years.

  DICAEOPOLIS. What has happened to you?

  HUSBANDMAN. I am ruined; I have lost a pair of steers.

  DICAEOPOLIS. How?

  HUSBANDMAN. The Boeotians seized them at Phylé.

  DICAEOPOLIS. Ah! poor wretch! and yet you have not left off white?

  HUSBANDMAN. Their dung made my wealth.

  DICAEOPOLIS. What can I do in the matter?

  HUSBANDMA
N. Crying for my beasts has lost me my eyesight. Ah! if you care for poor Dercetes of Phylé, anoint mine eyes quickly with your balm of peace.

  DICAEOPOLIS. But, my poor fellow, I do not practise medicine.

  HUSBANDMAN. Come, I adjure you; perchance I shall recover my steers.

  DICAEOPOLIS. ’Tis impossible; away, go and whine to the disciples of

  Pittalus.

  HUSBANDMAN. Grant me but one drop of peace; pour it into this reedlet.

  DICAEOPOLIS. No, not a particle; go a-weeping elsewhere.

  HUSBANDMAN. Oh! oh! oh! my poor beasts!

  CHORUS. This man has discovered the sweetest enjoyment in peace; he will share it with none.

  DICAEOPOLIS. Pour honey over this tripe; set it before the fire to dry.

  CHORUS. What lofty tones he uses! Did you hear him?

  DICAEOPOLIS. Get the eels on the gridiron!

  CHORUS. You are killing me with hunger; your smoke is choking your neighbours, and you split our ears with your bawling.

  DICAEOPOLIS. Have this fried and let it be nicely browned.

  A BRIDESMAID. Dicaeopolis! Dicaeopolis!

  DICAEOPOLIS. Who are you?

  BRIDESMAID. A young bridegroom sends you these viands from the marriage feast.

  DICAEOPOLIS. Whoever he be, I thank him.

  BRIDESMAID. And in return, he prays you to pour a glass of peace into this vase, that he may not have to go to the front and may stay at home to do his duty to his young wife.

  DICAEOPOLIS. Take back, take back your viands; for a thousand drachmae I would not give a drop of peace; but who are you, pray?

  BRIDESMAID. I am the bridesmaid; she wants to say something to you from the bride privately.

  DICAEOPOLIS. Come, what do you wish to say? (The bridesmaid whispers in his ear.) Ah! what a ridiculous demand! The bride burns with longing to keep by her her husband’s weapon. Come! bring hither my truce; to her alone will I give some of it, for she is a woman, and, as such, should not suffer under the war. Here, friend, reach hither your vial. And as to the manner of applying this balm, tell the bride, when a levy of soldiers is made to rub some in bed on her husband, where most needed. There, slave, take away my truce! Now, quick hither with the wine-flagon, that I may fill up the drinking bowls!

  CHORUS. I see a man, striding along apace, with knitted brows; he seems to us the bearer of terrible tidings.

  HERALD. Oh! toils and battles! ’tis Lamachus!

  LAMACHUS. What noise resounds around my dwelling, where shines the glint of arms.

  HERALD. The Generals order you forthwith to take your battalions and your plumes, and, despite the snow, to go and guard our borders. They have learnt that a band of Boeotians intend taking advantage of the feast of Cups to invade our country.

  LAMACHUS. Ah! the Generals! they are numerous, but not good for much!

  It’s cruel, not to be able to enjoy the feast!

  DICAEOPOLIS. Oh! warlike host of Lamachus!

  LAMACHUS. Wretch! do you dare to jeer me?

  DICAEOPOLIS. Do you want to fight this four-winged Geryon?

  LAMACHUS. Oh! oh! what fearful tidings!

  DICAEOPOLIS. Ah! ah! I see another herald running up; what news does he bring me?

  HERALD. Dicaeopolis!

  DICAEOPOLIS. What is the matter?

  HERALD. Come quickly to the feast and bring your basket and your cup; ’tis the priest of Bacchus who invites you. But hasten, the guests have been waiting for you a long while. All is ready — couches, tables, cushions, chaplets, perfumes, dainties and courtesans to boot; biscuits, cakes, sesamé-bread, tarts, and — lovely dancing women, the sweetest charm of the festivity. But come with all haste.

  LAMACHUS. Oh! hostile gods!

  DICAEOPOLIS. This is not astounding; you have chosen this huge, great ugly Gorgon’s head for your patron. You, shut the door, and let someone get ready the meal.

  LAMACHUS. Slave! slave! my knapsack!

  DICAEOPOLIS. Slave! slave! a basket!

  LAMACHUS. Take salt and thyme, slave, and don’t forget the onions.

  DICAEOPOLIS. Get some fish for me; I cannot bear onions.

  LAMACHUS. Slave, wrap me up a little stale salt meat in a fig-leaf.

  DICAEOPOLIS. And for me some good greasy tripe in a fig-leaf; I will have it cooked here.

  LAMACHUS. Bring me the plumes for my helmet.

  DICAEOPOLIS. Bring me wild pigeons and thrushes.

  LAMACHUS. How white and beautiful are these ostrich feathers!

  DICAEOPOLIS. How fat and well browned is the flesh of this wood-pigeon!

  LAMACHUS. Bring me the case for my triple plume.

  DICAEOPOLIS. Pass me over that dish of hare.

  LAMACHUS. Oh! the moths have eaten the hair of my crest!

  DICAEOPOLIS. I shall always eat hare before dinner.

  LAMACHUS. Hi! friend! try not to scoff at my armour.

  DICAEOPOLIS. Hi! friend! will you kindly not stare at my thrushes.

  LAMACHUS. Hi! friend! will you kindly not address me.

  DICAEOPOLIS. I do not address you; I am scolding my slave. Shall we wager and submit the matter to Lamachus, which of the two is the best to eat, a locust or a thrush?

  LAMACHUS. Insolent hound!

  DICAEOPOLIS. He much prefers the locusts.

  LAMACHUS. Slave, unhook my spear and bring it to me.

  DICAEOPOLIS. Slave, slave, take the sausage from the fire and bring it to me.

  LAMACHUS. Come, let me draw my spear from its sheath. Hold it, slave, hold it tight.

  DICAEOPOLIS. And you, slave, grip, grip well hold of the skewer.

  LAMACHUS. Slave, the bracings for my shield.

  DICAEOPOLIS. Pull the loaves out of the oven and bring me these bracings of my stomach.

  LAMACHUS. My round buckler with the Gorgon’s head.

  DICAEOPOLIS. My round cheese-cake.

  LAMACHUS. What clumsy wit!

  DICAEOPOLIS. What delicious cheese-cake!

  LAMACHUS. Pour oil on the buckler. Hah! hah! I can see an old man who will be accused of cowardice.

  DICAEOPOLIS. Pour honey on the cake. Hah! hah! I can see an old man who makes Lamachus of the Gorgon’s head weep with rage.

  LAMACHUS. Slave, full war armour.

  DICAEOPOLIS. Slave, my beaker; that is my armour.

  LAMACHUS. With this I hold my ground with any foe.

  DICAEOPOLIS. And I with this with any tosspot.

  LAMACHUS. Fasten the strappings to the buckler; personally I shall carry the knapsack.

  DICAEOPOLIS. Pack the dinner well into the basket; personally I shall carry the cloak.

  LAMACHUS. Slave, take up the buckler and let’s be off. It is snowing! Ah! ’tis a question of facing the winter.

  DICAEOPOLIS. Take up the basket, ’tis a question of getting to the feast.

  CHORUS. We wish you both joy on your journeys, which differ so much. One goes to mount guard and freeze, while the other will drink, crowned with flowers, and then sleep with a young beauty, who will rub his tool for him.

  I say it freely; may Zeus confound Antimachus, the poet-historian, the son of Psacas! When Choregus at the Lenaea, alas! alas! he dismissed me dinnerless. May I see him devouring with his eyes a cuttle-fish, just served, well cooked, hot and properly salted; and the moment that he stretches his hand to help himself, may a dog seize it and run off with it. Such is my first wish. I also hope for him a misfortune at night. That returning all-fevered from horse practice, he may meet an Orestes, mad with drink, who breaks open his head; that wishing to seize a stone, he, in the dark, may pick up a fresh stool, hurl his missile, miss aim and hit Cratinus.

  SLAVE OF LAMACHUS. Slaves of Lamachus! Water, water in a little pot! Make it warm, get ready cloths, cerate, greasy wool and bandages for his ankle. In leaping a ditch, the master has hurt himself against a stake; he has dislocated and twisted his ankle, broken his head by falling on a stone, while his Gorgon shot far away from his buckler. His mighty braggadocio plume rolled
on the ground; at this sight he uttered these doleful words, “Radiant star, I gaze on thee for the last time; my eyes close to all light, I die.” Having said this, he falls into the water, gets out again, meets some runaways and pursues the robbers with his spear at their backsides. But here he comes, himself. Get the door open.

  LAMACHUS. Oh! heavens! oh! heavens! What cruel pain! I faint, I tremble! Alas! I die! the foe’s lance has struck me! But what would hurt me most would be for Dicaeopolis to see me wounded thus and laugh at my ill-fortune.

  DICAEOPOLIS (enters with two courtesans). Oh! my gods! what bosoms! Hard as a quince! Come, my treasures, give me voluptuous kisses! Glue your lips to mine. Haha! I was the first to empty my cup.

  LAMACHUS. Oh! cruel fate! how I suffer! accursed wounds!

  DICAEOPOLIS. Hah! hah! hail! Knight Lamachus! (Embraces Lamachus.)

  LAMACHUS. By the hostile gods! (Bites Dicaeopolis.)

  DICAEOPOLIS. Ah! great gods!

  LAMACHUS. Why do you embrace me?

  DICAEOPOLIS. And why do you bite me?

  LAMACHUS. ’Twas a cruel score I was paying back!

  DICAEOPOLIS. Scores are not evened at the feast of Cups!

  LAMACHUS. Oh! Paean, Paean!

  DICAEOPOLIS. But to-day is not the feast of Paean.

  LAMACHUS. Oh! support my leg, do; ah! hold it tenderly, my friends!

  DICAEOPOLIS. And you, my darlings, take hold of my tool both of you!

  LAMACHUS. This blow with the stone makes me dizzy; my sight grows dim.

  DICAEOPOLIS. For myself, I want to get to bed; I am bursting with lustfulness, I want to be fucking in the dark.

  LAMACHUS. Carry me to the surgeon Pittalus.

  DICAEOPOLIS. Take me to the judges. Where is the king of the feast? The wine-skin is mine!

  LAMACHUS. That spear has pierced my bones; what torture I endure!

  DICAEOPOLIS. You see this empty cup! I triumph! I triumph!

  CHORUS. Old man, I come at your bidding! You triumph! you triumph!

  DICAEOPOLIS. Again I have brimmed my cup with unmixed wine and drained it at a draught!

  CHORUS. You triumph then, brave champion; thine is the wine-skin!

  DICAEOPOLIS. Follow me, singing “Triumph! Triumph!”

  CHORUS. Aye! we will sing of thee, thee and thy sacred wine-skin, and we all, as we follow thee, will repeat in thine honour, “Triumph, Triumph!”